It is nice to know that you had a good talk with someone and both come out of it feeling a little bit better than they went in. I think I convinced Vertiga to stop belittling me at every twist and turn. Granted, I love being coddled, but that is no excuse to treat me like I could shatter if something were to poke me too roughly. The entire thing started yesterday when Vertiga thought it'd be a good idea to start an expedition into the Chester system without supervision. The bad thing about it really was that I couldn't even have done anything against that without outright revealing that I have been watching his every move.
But Lady Luck was apparently in a good mood, since Vertiga let on that he'd found a corridor to Cortez. Givent that information, I had plausible deniability when I said that I knew he had been in Chester, since I could just state that I've used this passage before, which I did. How foolish of him sashaying in alone. It would have been so easy for him to find his death there. Ugh, I should educate him a little. At least I could guilttrip him into accepting me as an equal, rather than an ornament. Apparently he also wants to visit Cortez over the course of the next week again — something about an old friend of his, apparently female, because of course she is. I somewhat have my reservations about giving a transport pilot that has already lost two ships our figurative last penny to buy a new transport and split her profits with us, but it's just as good a plan as any.
And of course, because once apparently isn't enough, he decided to visit Chester again today. At least this time I was there to lead him and that was his luck because upon exiting, we were ambushed by a posse of Mollies and a member of the Commune. I was able to convince the latter that we had no nefarious intent, because it was the truth, and I have to admit that, without this one, we might've died. I am unsure whether it is safe to contact them; I shouldn't take any risks. The fact that I have to leave for Direktor Koch at times is suspicious enough.
Still not too certain what to do. I managed to cajole him into coughing up a data chip that supposedly contains intel on any one covert BDM agent, yet it is encrypted and Koch demands we yield Nina Koch to him in exchange for the encryption key. That would probably be a very bad idea right now. She still has her uses and giving her out already might be detrimental. Koch would do anything for her. Nothing more needs to be said. I decided to visit him again this night. Knowing where he was, namely Baden Baden, that would be rather easy.
At least Vertiga reacted well to the logs that the Hoffnungsschimmer recorded of the encounter with the Commune pilot. That would have been very hard to explain if he had seen the little stunt at the start. Good thing that it was easy to cut out and I'm fairly certain not even Leon would be able to dig up the deleted data anymore. He's currently tending to Thallia who is in quarantine, I think? Something about having come into contact with strange inanimate biomatter. I just hope Vertiga doesn't treat her harshly because of it. Any drone could've just as easily have punched a hole into the Apahanta's hull.
He'll likely have questions upon returning, since it's very likely that he'll see Thallia's hands. Bloody hell, that really didn't take him long to figure out, did it? Okay, I am being too rash. He hasn't seen anything yet. Not a thing. Would he even care? I think he's more curious than suspicious at this point. Though I don't want to imagine what Thallia might do to his head if she were to touch him on accident. After all, she is such a curious bird. T-Bird. That would be her nickname and I'll pester her with it until she throws heavy objects at me and it will be the most glorious thing imaginable.
Seeing that there wasn't much I could do while these two were busy with each other, I waited until Vertiga returned and I may or may not have fallen asleep while doing so and almost missed the opportunity to leave. I just wish Koch had been more cooperative. The real tragedy about all of this really is that he could've already gotten what he wanted ages ago if he could just forget his misplaced sense of pride and do what is necessary instead of subjecting himself to torture. I really can't be blamed for this. At least I got the encryption key. Nina's birthday, really? It's times like these where I feel really dumb.
I returned to the Hoffnungsschimmer some four hours later. Luckily, Vertiga was still asleep, so the little present I had bought to make it seem like I had merely taken a stroll over Canaria was kind of superfluous, but at least it'd be a cute gesture once he woke up. Probably better this way, since I really didn't trust my voice at the time.
A nightmare, an absolute ***** nightmare. That's how I'd describe that dinner. I should've known that it would not be as simple as sitting down, shovelling food down one's throat and simply talking like adults trying to be civilized for once. There had been this sinking feeling in my gut the entire day. An omen? I am not a superstitious woman, but at times it feels like the universe likes throwing me some bones here and then just to later show me how little power I actually had. Ezrael seemed to have taken it badly. He tries to act it up, but I know the glint of madness when I see it.
Ugh, why'd this even happen? I can't help but feel like the entire thing had been doomed from the start, a complete and utterly blatant mistake and I could slap myself for it! A cool head, Maren. You need a cool head. I need to start from the beginning. Maybe if I can isolate where I made a misstep, I can go ahead and fix it. They say ignorance is bliss but I disagree. Ezrael would be the best example, I feel. I'll make it right again. I will. I just need to...
It all started innocently enough. I'd been preparing the dining room since it had still looked more like a storange room than somewhere one would eat. Looked rather nice actually, with tablecloth, nicely folded tissues and everything. Seeing that there actually wasn't more that I could do after I'd done that and put on some clothes that would fit better — as well as gloves, since I sure as hell wouldn't risk Noah invading my head again while he would shake my hand — and waited. He sent a comm, I gave him coordinates and the password to the mooring fixture, blah blah, that's not important, I feel.
Had his entrance been the mistake? He did seem rather distanced the entire time, tired as well. Apart from his terse tone, I noticed a distinct lack of warmth from him. That in itself wasn't too surprising given that he still suspects me, but why'd he treat Vertiga like that? Hadn't Noah said once that he would very much like to meet the man who had stabilized me? To be fair, though, Ezrael himself hasn't been a paragon of hearty welcome either. It just seemed like they were naturally inclined to be antagonistic towards each other and I doubt it was because of anything but Ezrael's dislike for Noah. I couldn't have known that Ezrael would take it so badly that Noah had once tried to talk me into committing suicide. Ugh, scratch that, of course I could have known that he would be protective. I couldn't have counteracted this.
Given all this, I am positive that the mistake must have been somewhere during the actual dinner. Both Noah and Ezrael simply couldn't find any common ground to start a discussion with each other. Granted, I shouldn't have been talking so carelessly about Auxesia once he mentioned that he had joined them. His response had shown that he had taken offense to that, though I am still unsure what exactly had triggered him. I also didn't get the time to figure it out as he shortly afterwards excused himself to visit the bathroom and I'm pretty sure he vomited. Was it because of the affection he'd seen Ezrael and me exchange? I'm pretty sure that it would seem pretty horrible to him provided he is convinced that I am infected.
Thallia, being the good doctor that she was, hurried after him to see if there was something she could do. I like her quite a bit. She's so willing to help just about anyone as long as she feels that her kindness is needed. I, however, couldn't really go after them, I felt. Noah seemed quite unstable to me at that point and I feared that he might do me harm if I were to approach him, though I didn't tell Ezrael, since I feared that he'd go to more drastic lengths to ensure my safety. I didn't want violence, but I wanted answers. With him, we went to look for them, since they'd been gone for about twenty minutes.
It really felt like one mistake after the next. I should've told him about Noah's ability to share experiences with a physical touch but I forgot! I bloody forgot! How could I have been that stupid? Adding insult to injury, Thallia was also showcasing her bloody hand that I personally have risked my neck in keeping a secret from Ezrael! Had everybody gone bloody mental?! Semmed pretty much like I had been the only sane person on the entire ship! Ugh! Of course Ezrael was pissed, of course! At this point, I had been too thrown off by things happening too quickly. That sinking feeling from the morning was back and it forced me to sit down as I tried to explain to him why I had kept Thallia's hand a secret. His eyes... Ezrael had always been more or less an open book for me. His eyes had been windows into his head and I could see all his doubts flashing before his mind.
Yes, that was when I realized I had lost.
It broke me seeing him like this. He still knelt down and embraced me. I love him, but I know that he knows. "No, I don't know anything. Keep it that way." was all he said before he headed out to get a break and it was worse than if he had screamed at me. I lost it and I was glad that Noah and Thallia had been busy.
They emerged an hour or so later, Noah seeming elated and Thallia seeming as if she had cried for days and was still about to break into tears any second now. Having spent the last half hour making myself presentable again, I didn't seem like the wreck I was when I told Noah that he should probably go now. I'd had enough. Ezrael chose that time to return to us, seemingly alright, but I could tell he was acting. We brought Noah to his ship together. I could tell that Ezrael was about to become violent the entire time, and so could Noah, I'm sure, but everything went over without a hitch.
The sinking feeling I'd felt the entire day... It had been fear. I'd never been more afraid in my life as Ezrael stood over me after Noah had left. For a time, I was sure he would kill me. Even after all this, he still loved me. I've never been particularly well in expressing the way I feel on paper but knowing that he was so devoted to me that he was willing to accept everything...
We returned to our room. I had procured a small present after I had been out and about to confront Koch, originally to soothe Ezrael's worries about me. Now, we both openend the small package to look at the framed picture of us watching that weird Kusarian b movie in the dining room during the sleepover. Nobody of us had reckoned with being photographed and thus our faces bore dopey expressions, the kind you had while laughing. It was the last thing I remembered before consciousness failed me.
The mood on the Corvo has been rather subdued over the last days. Vertiga seems to be coping rather well, given the circumstances. It is strange how volatile his mood can be at times. At first he seemed really desperate. The day after this bloody disaster of a visit had him almost break down in front of me. Poor guy. It must seem to him as if his Sweetheart was being replaced by another, or as if everything had been a lie. He held my hands — whether to restrain me or to hold me, I couldn't tell — and I managed to convince him to talk to it.
I can't help but feel that he wants to hold onto his enmity, but at least they talked. He didn't understand that he has nothing to fear. It was almost humorous, if the situation had been different, seeing him interrogate it, expecting to be some sort of pawn in a great game of chess, expecting malicious intent solely on the basis of "there must be". Why is it that people autoatically assume that they want to harm them, but if some random person wants to be their friends, they only think this person is a weirdo at worst? Ezrael seemed rather glad when it was over; I suppose he wouldn't befriend the situation any time soon, but that can wait. *****. He know knows that I had been dealing with Direktor Koch. I really would've preferred if Ezrael hadn't known, since he is prone to worrying about me. It would be so much easier if he wouldn't know what I did. Ugh, I just want him to be happy and let me do the dirty stuff! It brings tears to my eye how devoted he is. He still loves me...
The following days had been eerily normal, although I do still feel like Ezrael is trying his utmost to act and behave normally. I fell into some sort of trot and before I knew it, almost a week had passed. Apparently, Nancy had had her appointment with Thallia Thorn as well. Only through Ezrael did I get to know what was wrong with her, or rather, what could be done about it. It's... grisly, the choice Nancy faces.
It boils down to shortening her life for the chance of living a happy one — the one she currently has plus the oversleeping and pains, which would be needed to be treated seperately — or letting her brain heal and thereby allowing her memories that she doesn't want to remember to return on their own. Thallia had noted that it might be possible to mitigate the damage done by the first option with Cardamine, but of course Ezrael is categorically against it. How... selfish. This is intended as her medication, damnit! He's so convinced that there must be other options and that we just have to find them. Damnit! I want to believe him, but what is his word against that of an expert?
With those news hanging over all of us, it came as a blessing in disguise that Ezrael one day suddenly told me to get onto the Hoffnungsschimmer because he planned on meeting some members of the Canaan project or what ever they're called now. Names were Maria something and James El Hardy. Cute pair. Pretty sure they're an item, given how they acted towards each other. Ezrael was talking to them regarding the construction of some sort of communications array that could be deployed and would act as some sort of independent network. Maria explained the problem with this idea pretty quickly: It would be detectable by anyone who picked up the signals of it. There was no way to mask it and people could therefore manipulate it. The idea of not needing to rely on the Lane Hacker technology to communicate is a good on at its core, I guess. Ezrael constantly alludes to the problem at hand by making jokes about how they could be reading our sexting.
It was cute, really. Ezrael had no idea about physics and Leon wasn't there to explain things adequately. I wanted to cradle his head, pinch his cheek and tell him all about why what he wanted wasn't possible because of reality, but that train of thought was derailed and driven off a cliff rather quickly as he told me to eject some stuff from our cargo hold for them to pick up — they needed it for construction or something. I sorta spilled soda over the entire console, which wasn't all too good. Well, I guess I better play housewife, then, and wipe up that stuff before anyone notices that the entire thing is sticky. Nothing to see feel here! Move along, please!
Having been cheered up a little by this little gathering, Ezrael, Thallia and I decided that it was as good a time as any to do a little hiking on Gran Canaria. I may or may not have underestimated just how cold it actually was, but the way Thallia whinged at first was a bit unnecessary, given that I myself didn't feel too cold. Oh well, some of us are bigger pansies than others... Okay, that is sort of hypocritical coming from me, but still! It was a great opportunity to simply let things slide for a while and just enjoy a bit of scenery as friends. Thallia conveyed to me fairly early on that she wanted to have a word with me about Nancy, but I didn't pay it much heed at first, thinking that we could do that once we had decided to have a break or something. Why'd everbody need to remind me of that when I was trying to look at that cat that had followed us for hours now? Wow, that's a lot of thats.
If this trip has taught me anything, then it was that I desperately needed to work out a little. By the time I almost keeled over from all the walking, Thallia had been trailing a few minutes behind us already, so we waited for her. I admit that I was somewhat tired and so I wasn't thinking too straight when I asked Thallia what she wanted to talk to me about. Sorry, Thallia! Apparently she had really wanted to do this alone, but Ezrael wasn't too put off and just decided to, uhm, follow nature's call, so to speak. Once he was gone, Thallia admitted that that there would be more that one could do for Nancy, which is to say cybernetics. Alternatively, Nancy could borrow Sans Valeur, which would actually be quite handy at the moment, given how Ezrael seems to struggle with Auxesia at the moment.
He'd told me that they had found him a while ago in Omega-49 and he had asked them things that were rather treacherous. Damn, lying really is a form of art for some poeple, even if their lives depend on it! Or mine! It could very well be that I would need to deceive them in the future, but I need someone else to hold onto Sans Valeur for me until a time comes where I can take it back safely... Thallia and I had told him about both ideas on Canaria and he seemed to dislike both heavily, even making me swear that I'd not even bring it up to Nancy. Wh- why can't I simply tell him no when it matters?! I really hope that Thallia takes this into her own hands and tells Nancy about all her alternatives in my stead — she's obliged to as a doctor, after all.
Speaking of Nancy: Leon had screwed her into senselessness, we found out once we had returned. She seemed to have passed out during intercourse and lost her memory again, quite similar to that time when it was just Ezrael, Nancy and myself on the Corvo, only this time it was way worse. If Thallia hadn't tranquilized her, I was almost sure that she could've hurt herself or others. What did she say again? We were going to take her organs and sell them? ...Okay I don't have anything witty to say to that. I felt deplaced watching Thallia treat her and so Ezrael and I left them all alone. Leon probably needed a bit more privacy.
I had told Ezrael that I would show him the first time I'd met Thallia. His usual antsiness aside, he seemed to have enjoyed it, at least — what followed as well. I hope he now understands Thallia a bit better. Oh, and how it is being in a female body.
It is not like I'm trying to to cause drama, but I seem to attract it like a magnet. Ugh, all because Ezrael wanted to visit Delta again after the one and a half months he hasn't seen it. He proposed this out of nowhere, and I accepted it, not thinking much of it. After all, I myself like the system. Some good memories, some bad ones I connect with it — It was there that I met Ezrael the first time. Heh, I remember how dismissive I was, how pedantic. What did I demand of him? That he call me Sweetheart? Imagine my surprise when he actually did that, even if it was just in jest. The first Core puppet that I'd seen display any sort of humor or soul.
It was with this in mind that I believed it to be a good idea to give the place a short visit, maybe even Lost, as he and I saw each other the first time in person in that system. We had a somewhat bad feeling about going there, but decided to ignore it, not wanting to ruin the thing for Ezrael. Nancy was asleep suffering from her recent breakdown, the poor girl, on the Hoffnungsschimmer that Ezrael had decided to take along. I admit, I like simply flying through space with any of them, even Leon. The scenery as well as simply chit chatting has a nice, cathartic feeling to it.
Delta itself hadn't changed at all. Some Auxesians had already been there, as was Thallia and some other IRG bloke whose name I conveniently forgot. Eh, he wasn't important anyways besides the fact that he was talking to her. Ezrael himself was getting more and more tense the longer we stayed and it dawned on me that it had been a really bad idea coming here, though before we could leave, they uncloaked and started jabbing away at the Freeport. Leon took it rather badly. He's never seen them before and it was too much for him. I later learned that he had some sort of nervous breakdown himself and sent an open comm about this to anyone — even my console had beeped with this. It didn't help that he later eavesdropped on the conversation I and Ezrael had had. He shouldn't have cut off Leon's comm as abruptly as he did; no wonder he wanted to know what's up.
The entire thing hadn't put me in a good mood. Why was I even here? In the end, I would probably be the reason for one of them to come to harm. I wanted to leave then and there, but he didn't let me. He sounded so desperate. I couldn't do it and I swore I'd stay, even if I'd kill both of us in the end. He seemed fine with that.
Only real good thing that came from it was that Nancy, as I talked to her about it, seemed susceptible to the idea of being my foster mom for Valery in case I'd need it. She will be able to move again et cetera and I don't get leered at anymore. I'm not looking forward to it but I can't bear having her look at me like this while paralyzed. There was also the weird flight back from Delta. He seemed unhinged, in a way, Ezrael. It worried me, although I didn't say it and probably never should.
Some time ago, Ezrael told me that he intended to visit an old friend+ (because of course they were) on Curacao concerning a business relationship. I can't stress often enough that this girl has already lost not one, but two liners, but he still seemed convinced of the idea. Since we'd need to move to Curacao for that, we arbitrarily decided that we might just as well stay there for a week — I am still quite sure that he was just baiting all of us with this so we'd agree. Oh well, can't say I would mind, really; I just hope he won't drag me into a club, since I've never danced and don't really intend to. It would just be awkward and I'd need some heavy cajoling to be made involved in these sorts of shenanigans. Before we could do anything, though, we'd need to get there.
There was the rather unique problem of the Apahanta. He couldn't leave it like that, so we just kinda took it along. Using the cloaking devices of both the Hoffnungsschimmer and the Apahanta, we started through Dublin, then New London, where we made a small stop at Trafalgar to cool down the cloaking devices. Things were pretty relaxed up until that point; I hadn't really reckoned with there being anyone in our path, but, being the universe's favourite chewing toy, of course the Bretonian Police was there and picked up our cloaking signatures when we started over Southhampton, then Kensington to Manchester. The gate was blocked by two Outcasts, of all things, but it was too late for me to turn back and I jumped ahead, leaving Ezrael and the Apahanta with only a few minutes of cloaking time behind. At that point, my blood was pumping like mad. I hid some random ice cloud in Manchester while the policeman, who must've seen the gate activate for no discernable reason, went on a wild goose chase around the system. I should take this opportunity to say: ***** the police.
I really wondered whether Leon and Nancy noticed any of this. They were on the ship that I was haphazardly steering through an asteroid field because nobody else wanted to fly this thing. I waited for solid five minutes or so with my only distraction being my own heartbeat until Ezrael re-established contact and gave me coordinates on where to meet, which were surprisingly close. The cloak I had deactivated during that time, seeing as the asteroid field would give us enough protection.
Managing to slip past the policeman, who had taken up camp at a trade lane junction — and here I had thought he was actually trying — , we headed for Magellan, where we rested for a while to recharge the cloaking devices. Since the Freeport was under Navy control, Ezrael couldn't do it there, instead heading for some Lane Hacker hideout. Wonder what was up with that. Afterwards, it was a simple jump to Cortez and I felt almost sad that it was over. I knew we never were in any real danger, but it was still thrilling in the safe sort of way, know what I mean? I can't wait for the way back. Anyways, while I moored the Hoffnungsschimmer at Curacao, Ezrael went ahead and hid the Apahanta in some cloud in either Baffin or Cortez.
If the way here can be taken as an indicator, I'd say that we're all having some wild times ahead. First order of business would be a little catching up with Thallia. A little candle light dinner without the homosexual implications that would have, given that we're both female, of course.
Ezrael calls Curacao a paradise. To be fair, I would agree that it has some beauty to it, albeit artificial, which doesn't have to be a bad thing, but the overall mentality of people there makes my skin crawl. All in all, I don't feel well there, especially when I'm alone. I hate it when strangers look at me like that. Goddamnit, get lost already! Is it really necessary that I have to be accompanied by my fiance to get people to ***** off? Noah was right. Manners here really do originate from the gutter. I've been a little occupied lately, and so I don't quite recall all of what happened since the last entry, but I'll try to recount things in a sensible way. Hmm, what was first?
Ah, yeah, Sombra. We've met that strange cat lady that Ezrael had told me about and wanted to cajole into getting a job again. From what he told me, I had reckoned with meeting someone completely detached from reality, whose sole raison d'être is cats, but no, she seemed fine enough. It's a real shame that her cats didn't seem to like me though. She really did call them Ezrael, Leon and Mojo, and Leon-cat is a lazy girl. For some reason that strikes me as incredibly amusing. I was surprised at the cleanliness of her flat, really. Given that she herself seemed to have had two beers already when we arrived — and it was hardly noon — I'm somewhat ill at ease with her fitness, though. Oh well. At least I managed to dissuade her from making any unwated avances by marking my territory, as Ezrael had put it. Take that, skank! In public, even!
We left soon after that. Leon had taken Nancy to the beach and it was a real joy to see her being carried into the water. It seemed to have been quite a sight to see a seemingly paralyzed girl being carried like that, but it was heartwarming to see Nancy happy this way. We acquired a wheelchair for her afterwards, so even I can take her around, which I did the day after. I really missed spending some time with her, like we had during the time when Ezrael had been trapped on the Apahanta on Lividia. I still have a sunburn, but that's alright. She seems to be getting better, according to Leon, though. Thrashing around in her sleep and so on, even moving her fingers somewhat when awake. I'm glad.
I don't actually know what is more frustrating: Talking to Noah or simply listening to him at times. I met him twice by sheer chance in a relatively short period of time. The first when I met with Thallia to talk a bit about Nancy and other things, mostly chit chat, to be honest. I offered Noah to follow us in case he wanted to ascertain Thallia's safety from this oh so dangerous girl, but apparently, he had other things to do. Suits me just fine. If he wouldn't feel the need to continuously ***** at me the entire time. Seriously, though: Does he think that's cool? Does he think that makes him cutting edge or something? I'm trying really hard to be nice to him, but that bloody emo just acts like a child.
Out of frustration more so than anything else, I asked why he was so bitter, and he actually started telling me. Apparently, we share quite a bit in common, come to think of it. We both spent our younger days with books rather than friends, but other than me, he regrets that. With his parents dead, he committed some crime against the Libertonian government that had him flee. What he didn't tell me was that he has some ties with the Order, but given the context, I can hardly blame him. I couldn't rightly fit that piece into the story as well. Anyways: When we parted after an extensive talk that actually wasn't filled with insults and so on, I actually felt like he'd been over that, but no.
Two days or so later we met again, and he was the same passive aggressive twat as before. I really don't get this guy. I can only assume that something private has happened that made him a bit moody again, but why should I care about that, or why should I act as the release for his aggression? The only thing of real note of that encounter was that he asked me where I'd been the day before between 22 and 23 SMT. Well, yeah, I'd been looking for that Corsair whore who'd assaulted Leon, hoping I could at least disable her ship so she'd finally get the message and ***** off! But my anger got the better of me and this Corsair's screms weren't really quiet and attracted random people — Auxesians among them.
Noah has nothing that could link me to this, so I told him that I knew that Corsair, but little more. Ugh, next time I meet this guy, I'll tell him that he can make a 180 or at least keep his mouth shut if he doesn' have anything nice to say. I doubt that I'll be in the mood to subject myself to his nonsense once we left Curacao.
Okaaay, I found this thing again. Forgot where I'd put it for some reason — okay, I'd forgotten that I had this for some reason, rather. Weird. It's been like this for a while now. Thinking is strenuous and I should really stop it, but it just won't work ever since I puked our guest down Nancy's throat! The fever afterwards actually wasn't that bad compared to this strange nagging on my mind, since the former actually allowed me to just slip in and out of consciousness without much problem, although the bedsores really bugged me afterwards.
She's been taking care of me — Nancy, that is. I'm talking about Nancy. — although it wasn't too necessary, as it wasn't like some sort of reverse of roles where I was now paralyzed, although she certainly acted like it, so I obeyed. It wasn't too bad, really. Thallia was also most helpful in cooking up some concoction to fix me again. We spoke about something but I forgot again. Grr, why do I forget stuff the entire time now? Oh! That reminds me: Ezrael and Leon apparently decided to take a vacation in Omicron Lost. Well, thank you kindly for not being there when you're needed, you two.
Yay, pity party! Table for one, please!
I feel like I should know a bit more about what happened before that, but I can't dredge it up. Something something, Ishtar (it's really pretty), something, people, something, Thallia wanting to poke around Drake or being incarcerated by the LPI, not necessarily in that order. I should've asked her about that one, but then again, I would've probably forgotten that again shortly afterwards. Maybe I just need time, but I really can't focus right now. At least their absence has given me plenty of time to read. So much, in fact, that I finished two novels in two days. It's funny. For some reason I can remember pretty much everything about those novels, but I keep forgetting what people tell me verbally. I feel like back in school.
In a day or so, I think I can leave the Corvo again. Thallia told me that I should wait for... something to recover. I didn't really listen. Nancy proposed we could go planetside on Canaria for a while, which sounds c
Okay, I had to interrupt there for a while because my stomach thought it would be a good idea to eject my food in a wide arc into the porcelain goddess. I wish Nancy would've seen that, because this really was testimony to how athletic I can be when given the right incentive. Could make range-puking a sport as well, come to think of it. Bulimia today, gold medal tomorrow. Okay, that's just plain weird. The drawback sort of is that I kind of lost track of where I was. Uh, something about Canaria. If we're going there, I want to look for winter, though, because after Curacao, I really can't be bothered with even more hot climate. Oh well, I'm hungry again. Better go tend to that.
The fever is gone, which is bloody good. It really did feel like my brain fluid was evaporating, leaving the rest to sort of shrivel up. Not the best of experiences. At least it doesn't feel like I forget everything that people tell me right afterwards anymore, although now there's something way weirder going on. It started a day ago during breakfast. Ezrael had brought a cat onto the Corvo — the same one that we had met on Canaria a while back, it seems. We called him Mittens because his little paws have a different colour than the rest of his fur, making it seem like he's wearing, well, mittens, hence the name. I know, I know, not the most inventive name, but it does the job.
Anyway: Doing as cats do, it bit me quite heavily in the hand, actually drawing blood. At first, I didn't really realize why Ezrael and Nancy were staring at me like that, but then the latter said that I had a little something on my hand, and what do you know, I was bleeding. It wasn't a big wound or anything, but it did startle me that I didn't notice it unless someone explicitly told me that I had been hurt. Only afterwards did I feel it, which was the really unsettling part. Ezrael told me that I had picked up the habit of humming absentmindedly at times, which is another such case where I simply don't notice that I'm doing it. Maybe I should record myself to pick that up. Would that even do anything? Ugh, I feel so dumb. Was this how I felt before? Absolutely abysmal. It's a real blessing when there's something to do that I can set my mind to and not think about anything else.
Nancy has been a real sweetheart the entire time, even though I am still a bit bummed out that we didn't go to Canaria as she'd said, since she was worried about what had happened during that dinner. Besides being neuroleptic, I had apparently been really absent during the entire thing. Again, I didn't notice any of that. I understood them just fine and I am pretty sure I ate my breakfast. I can't for the life of me figure out what they are on about. Well, instead of moseying around Canaria, we spend the evening doing a puzzle of three thousand pieces. She was better at that than I had expected, to be honest, though it was a pleasant surprise, otherwise we would've taken much more than the day.
Since Ezrael expressed interest in charting the Kansas system since that one time we went there with Thallia and Enma, whom he's really curious about, I figured he would find the hidden gate at some point himself. Whatever, better I tell him than on accident. Tatsori was the one who showed me that way once, before she was killed, I mean. It wasn't like there was any danger besides the radiation, so I told Ezrael that there would be no danger behind that gate. He couldn't use it, since he was using his Montante — he really has to compensate with all those big ships — and so we just returned that day. What followed afterwards was, well, only natural. I'm glad I can make him happy. It only requires a bit of patience at times, after all.
So, the next day he pilfered Leon's Osprey and we headed back to Kansas. Curiously enough, this time we didn't meet anyone, though I can't really say I'm sad about that. If anything, I can say that I'm getting better and finding that sodding gate. Ezrael was apprehensive at first, but in a manner similar to a parent throwing their child into a swimming pool, I sort of forced his hand by jumping in first. It was hard to read him, but he seemed to at least appreciate the beauty of the place. We simply drifted, taking in the sights. There was nothing besides the radiation to be afraid of, so at least I was relaxed. Curious as he is, he asked me a lot of questions, most of which I didn't really know answers to, since A) I'm not omniscient and B) especially not right now. Even writing this is a pain, since it feels like constructing longer phrases takes me way longer than it should, but I'll be damned if I sound like a ***** lowlife here.
For a moment, I thought Ezrael would actually visit the Shrine, but he shied away. Can't really blame him, I guess. From the outside, it doesn't really look like it was meant for humans, after all. Whatever. After poking around the damaged lanes and those weird energy pillars that I actually hadn't known before, we left to New London through one of the artificial jump holes. He seemed to like that. It sort of just jolts you forwad a little and you're somewhere completely different. Really nifty.
Speaking about getting things to do: Enma wants me to get a Whale from somewhere that they could use to supply both Lichtenfelde and Altair. Sweet, whatever. Ezrael managed to get one of those things for Sombra — who is sorta doing slave labour for us right now and I love it — so it shouldn't be to difficult to get one of those again. Told Enma to throw money at me, since I ain't doing nothing before that's on my account. The topic itself I managed to bring up a while ago in Coronado, and he said he'd see what he could do. I'm pretty sure it would help if Enma would just accept his invitation for a simple dinner, since he's still antsy about her, but what do I know. She's likely busy and I think putting her in my debt like this could be beneficial in the long run.
Met Birdy in Coronado as well. Besides bee puns and wild conjecture about subjugating the entirety of Sirius using an army of drones, we didn't really talk about anything important. Apparently, she'd eaten some really nasty stuff and gotten some explosive diarrhea in return. Oh well, at least it was amusing for the little while we were there.
Nuremberg. I don't know what exactly made me do it, but I convinced Vertiga to accompany me to Munich. I wanted to see it again. My home. Or what is left of it at this point. In the recent days, I had thought a lot about what Noah had advised me to do, to go after my parents and restore contact. And so I tried. No response. When I was floating above it, then, I wanted to go down there and look for myself. At least my mother was there, surely. Vertiga stopped me. Forbade it. I had never been this close to simply ignoring him and doing it anyways, but I managed, feeling like I was trading in my parents for him. On our way back, he tried to talk me out of doing it, out of going there, and goddamnit, he managed! Why can't I say no? Not even when it comes to my own flesh and blood it seemed. Pathetic.
But alright, at least I had him, right? Making peace with what happened. I could live with not knowing what happened to them. Thallia contacted me the next day, wanting to check how I was doing. During the visit, she drew some blood to examine later, and, to get my head free of stuff, we went down to Canaria to take a little walk. Scenic, really. Thallia has a way of putting people at ease, whether due to her newfound work or not, I don't know, but she managed to make me forget all this stuff for a while. I had pilfered one of Ezrael's wine bottles, which I actually wanted to share with Nancy in a picknick originally, but since that doesn't seem to be happening any time soon, I just, well, sort of got Thallia drunk with it. I brought her back to Freeport 11 afterwards. Could've brought her to the Corvo, but I didn't want to make it seem like Thallia was having an alcohol problem, which she admittedly has, but... I just didn't want Ezrael to see her. Need to contact her at some point; shovel all the work related to the Schiller over to her. Can't be assed with this ***** anymore.
He awaited me at the airlock once I was back. It feels difficult to recall what exactly happened, but it sort of started with him having changed his mind about Nuremberg. He wanted to help me now, but in return, I would cease all work I was doing, as I had promised not to be Agent Unschuld anymore. Of course, I had broken that promise, out of necessity, as otherwise they would've investigated if I had just not responded from one day to the next. Stupid! Why can't he see that? He threatened to leave me, and in my panic, I accidentally dropped that I wanted to propose to him. I had spoken to Thallia about it, wanted her to help me get the rings and all. He just made his foursome jokes again and told me to 'have an open mind' for such things. Yeah, sure. As if I hadn't just said I wanted to dedicate my life to you.
Am I really that selfish to want loyalty from my partner? How can he claim to love me while leering at other women openly and telling me. I didn't understand it and it was driving me insane. During dinner, I had hoped to get some support from Nancy in that regard, but, me being an idiot, I had kind of forgotten that she was the same way. Sombra, Leon, Nancy, Ezrael. This seemed so important to them, but why? This isn't how a healthy human behaves, I always thought. I am pretty sure that I could build a solid case for arguing that such behaviour is indicative of an immense deficiency in the long-term ability to derive gratification from something like a monogamous relationship, but... I'm intellectualizing the while issue again. Okay, I should approach this differently. What does it say about us when I am the odd one out in this regard?
I didn't really know what to expect for that dinner with Enma. It was clear from the start that she was only doing for that Whale, yeah, but I would have thought that she would at least, you know, actually eat something. Needless to say, it was pretty awkward. First she didn't find the ship that she knew the name of on her own — something for which she would have only needed to check the list of taken ports, I might add — and then she had apparently also consumed alcohol already. Not the best of auspices for something, well, not fun, but cordial. At least everybody managed to keep it civil, I guess. Not like with Noah the last time. Bloody twat. Ezrael seems to be pretty sure that Enma is infected, but didn't seemingly mind her presence beyond the fact that she lied to him a few times. It was probably a good thing that the entire ordeal didn't last too long. I can't really say I like Enma, to be perfectly honest.
The way back from Tau-37, where we met for this, since it was as close to Maltese territory as we could get, was thankfully calm. Slipping past the few Royal Navy patrols cloaked was easy enough and once we were back, Ezrael and I had a little stroll on Canaria's surface. It was funny, really, how he seemed to be so afraid of a few insects there. I'm actually glad that there is something so banal that he's afraid of, since it makes him, well, a little less perfect, which isn't a bad thing. There's this thing he wants to do with Birdy, redeeming his reputation or something like that, and for that, he wants them to check us. I already told him that it would be a bad idea, but he seems to have already made up his mind. What am I supposed to do? I guess I'll just follow him and see what happens. He's so worried about me; even said that I'd be the one owning his belongings in case he dies, but I don't want his belongings. I hope this made him understand why I'll be there with him.
Oppressive as that was, the topic, we managed to continue for a while until Ezrael got too spooked by the insects and picked me up to run back to where he could be sure that nothing would crawl up his bum. No, seriously, this still amuses me right now; I've got the biggest, *****-eating grin on my face right now thinking about it. It's somehow cute how he has no problems flying into Iota while a simple spider can make his skin crawl. I should totally get a terrarium with all sorts of creepy crawlies and put it in our bedroom.
While I thought that things would finally be settled a little, I had completely forgotten Nancy. While we had been busy with Enma, she had spent three days on Canaria with Valery, apparently doing a lot of lewd things that I'd rather not think about in too great detail. Still, even Valery has less problems with these sorts of things, which actually irks me to no end. Why's this so damn difficult for me? He already told me a million times that it's not about love, and it only had been wrong once, so why can't I just accept this and move on, please? Ugh, back to the topic.
They came back around noon two days after we'd returned to '49, and it was sort of apparent that something had changed. Valery was still projecting the image of that freckled girl, which is fine, I guess, but Nancy was holding her hand the entire time and even pranked Ezrael. Like, he didn't yet know that Valery was projecting that image, and they made out somewhere when he passed, making him believe that Nancy had picked up some girl from the surface, which, come to think of it, might not have been the best idea, at least in my opinion, given the entire ordeal with Leon lately. Speaking of him, he still hasn't set a foot on the Corvo again after Nancy had refused him. Understandable, I feel, since he was little more than a distraction for Nancy to keep off of Ezrael, it seems to me, which is sad, of course. I don't think he deserved that treatment at all, and it should be something that Ezrael and he should talk about at some point, but it's not really my place to tell them what to do. They're adults.
I actually don't really know what went wrong so suddenly. The day after, Nancy and I spent some time in the gym, since I really should try and move a little more, not that I was fat, but I was going to be if I didn't, like, occupy myself. I really miss my work, but since Ezrael isn't really into that, I find myself with more time on my hands than I'd like. Maybe I should wantonly murder Nodtvibot, since that service robot with Nodtviet's voice really starts to irk me now. That way, at least I can cook... Uh, okay, I digressed again. A bit of time passed that day. I exhausted Ezrael a little, it seemed and he fell asleep just like that. Fine, so I went and wanted to fetch dinner like that, wanting to surprise him in bed, but Nancy just suddenly barged into the room, shouted at me and demanded I take back Valery, going so far as to punch herself as if that would help. In the end, she got tranquilized, and I brought her back into her room, where Valery left her. Not really knowing what to do, I put the latter in the bathtub after cleaning some of the blood away.
Nancy woke up a while later, telling me all sorts of stupid things about how she was going to ruin everything for us if she stayed, how she deserved to be in prison for what she'd done and that there was a memorial on Cambridge for the people she had murdered; she practically begged me to let her leave the ship, it almost seemed. Now, I was still angry that she had just barged into the kitchen and screamed at me like that, so I might have been a bit more terse than the situation warranted, but I couldn't talk through that thick skull and her preconceived ideas, so I left the room with Valery, and ran into Vertiga, who afterwards tried to talk to her as well, with no success. This sort of left us in a precarious situation. We couldn't really let her leave, since she was physically very sick and knew a lot about us that could be detrimental, whether she wanted to acknowledge that or not. The thing is: What were we supposed to do? Lock her up and feed her thrice a day? In the end, I proposed that, if she didn't want to be free, she could at least give her body to Valery and allow her to be, though she made a counter-proposal, and I hope it works.
Each time I tell myself to sit down more often to reflect, I end up breaking that promise, I noticed. The problem simply lies with things happening so quickly that there is little to no time to consider. I think I'll be able to properly convey why that was, dear future-me, although it's likely that I forgot one of two details here and there, and in that case, I really can't do much about it.
Looking back now, Nancy's breakdown seems to far in the past, although it was barely more than a few weeks, maybe? We didn't end up having Valery simply use Nancy's body, and I'm glad for that. Instead, Valery put Nancy to sleep, allowing her to live and act out her illusions without actually harming herself or others. In hindsight, it was pretty superfluous, since Nancy turned out to not actually follow up on her words in the end, from what Val told me, yet I guess it was best to be safe rather than sorry. For about three or four days, Nancy just slept. I really do wonder what she did in that dream, while at the same time, I'm not too sure if I want to dive that deep into her privacy. If there had been something that was of concern to either me or Ezrael, Val would've told us.
She woke up while we were gone, sadly. I had hoped that it wouldn't be this inconvenient, but there hadn't been much choice. As I mentioned before, Ezrael has been talking to Auxesia regarding the slander of his name, which he hoped he could rectify by visiting them and letting them perform medical tests to make them see for themselves that he wasn't infected. Of course, I tagged along, since I wouldn't just want to be left behind like that, and also because there was suspicion cast on me as well. Heh, the Lane Hackers had also offered Ezrael to interrogate him in exhange for some token stating that he's not infected, though he declined that, and I can only imagine the look of indignation on their faces when they found out Ezrael agreed to be interrogated and screened by Auxesia instead. Priceless. Still, back on topic: We moseyed on over to Inverness, where the Eidolon Wraith was currently stationed on that whatever-named planet slash gas giant-whatever next to that whack Junker shipyard-freeport. I realize I'm being really helpful with those descriptions, but I really didn't pay that much attention to the details of the trip. I had to admit that I was really bloody nervous going there, having literally no idea what to expect from it. For all I knew, they could just let us two disappear and Nancy would never know where we went.
What I didn't really expect were waffles. The Eidolon Wraith is one sleek ship, I have to admit. The insides of it didn't really seem to be Core in origin at all anymore, and I would know, since I visited a Mako a few times while it was still in Core service. Maybe they switched that around a bit in the time Raven pilfered it? Okay, eh, whatever, that was an unrelated tangent again. In the hanger of that ship, we were herded through some sort of scanner gate at the threshold into the ship. Some weirdo drones were there, squawking some lines about us being supposed to follow them, and yeah, that was sorta why we were there.
And goddamn, those turrets everywhere. Wasn't that Bullhead supposed to be only for them? Why did they need all those internal security measures that almost looked like they were afraid of a band of marauding Rogues boarding them. All in all it looked really sterile. No wonder Raven's a crackpot if she really lives in such an environment. Speaking of which, and waffles, those drones led us to some sort of conference room in which we met Raven and the Curator. Tangent again: Bloody hell, that guy's a douche (keep this in mind for later) wearing some sort of conceiling power-ranger armour that is actually quite ridiculous. During the entire thing, I really felt like we were just talking past each other. Ezrael wanted the two of them to simply take back what they had said about him, while the two of them seemed only interested in slamming him for being a pacifist and questioning his motivations. In the end, Ezrael asked Raven where Hunt was, and the Curator was sent to fetch him. Oh, and there were waffles on the table.
Some more bickering later, we were led into a room for ourselves, where Ezrael of course wanted to blow some steam, and I have to admit that the idea of Raven and Hunt watching us was appealing. Before we could get too far, that Curator power-ranger came and brought us into something they called Zeta Section? It was a med bay, at least. It came how it had to: Tests were negative. Yay. It was that Curator guy who did the tests, which were mostly performed automatically by, again, weirdo robots. I really don't know what the thought process of the guy in that moment was, but he then proceeded to try and extort Ezrael by threatening to withhold the results of the tests from him if he doesn't stop what he was doing and de facto joined their side ideologically in their fight with the Nomads. In that moment, I really didn't know what I could've said, because this had really made my piss boil.
He fainted. He actually fainted. They later said it was his heartrate having skyrocketed from the pressure that the Curator had put on him with this, and it was actually him, or rather Joshua Hunt — yes he put off that mask and it was him — who tended to him afterwards, leaving me along for an hour or so, during which Hunt and I got the chance to talk. He told me of his concern for Ezrael's stange behaviour. Why would a pacifist hold onto a battleship? Why had he been so reluctant as they had proposed to search it? To me, it almost sounded like he was suspecting there to be something wrong with the Apahanta rather than us two, or at least that Ezrael was under influence in another way than through an incubus, and I did my best to make it seem as if he was merely being possessive of that which he invested most of his savings into. After all, I think it's not that far-fetched. I really am bad at describing emotions, but take my word for it when I say that I was a bloody wreck the entire time Ezrael was out. Once he regained consciousness, Hunt slash the Curator seemed like a completely different man. Where he had tried to extort Ezrael before, he was now offering to try and clear his name just like that. It was almost eerie how he made a 180° turn and was suddenly being charitable.
Having gotten what we wanted in the end, we excused ourselves once we could and returned to the room they gave to us. Ezrael was in really bad shape from all of this, and I thought it best to simply go to bed. We were allowed to leave the next morning, which surprised me, though we didn't question it and made a run for it. Back on Canaria, we returned to the Hoffnungsschimmer hastily and Ezrael took it to Cayman to hide us there, being worried that Auxesia might have sent someone to trail us and find out about the Corvo. The entire time, they had always spoken about the Apahanta, which was completely fine, while leaving the Corvo completely unmentioned. They likely don't know of it, and it should stay this way. Nancy was glad that we were back, and after an extensive talk with her, I think we managed to convey the urgency of our situation to her. Since then, we're stuck in Cayman. Valery offered to try and take a look at our cloaking device. Maybe we can sneak around the Corvo without a care in the world.
Sombra came for a visit. Okay, that is not technically true. I met her and she wanted to visit. My Prosecutor is docked with the Corvo, so we can technically leave it at times, and I found her on her trips between Canaria and Freeport 11. I just didn't have the heart to tell her off, and given that I had promised Ezrael to try a threesome with us three, I guess there was also something to be gained. It sounds like I was looking forward to it, but I really wasn't. It didn't help that the first attempt ended with me bawling because the handcuffs she had used on me had triggered my neuropathy. Stupid. I really felt dumb in that moment. She and I went to Canaria afterwards, to make up for it, and afterwards, we tried again, still with disappointing results. At least I didn't cry this time, but I know they're both disappointed in me for being this wimpy. It'll be better next time. Sombra will probably leave the next day, though, and he said we'll take a week off for now. Some Oracle is going to visit us soon. Said it would be to help with his 'Core problem'. Now that I think of it, I didn't even ask what the problem was. I should probably do that at some point.