A few days, I have been in the Royal Navy for a few days now, I must say, despite it being a fight full of violence, I feel good, good about being worth something, I managed to become someone, someone my parents would be proud of, I always aimed to be proud of myself and not being dependent on what others think and I managed it, sort of. Mi is worried, I cannot say that it isn't justified, c'est dangerouse out here... but she knows, she is a Chrysanthemum, she might think I am not as tough, given the way I am around her, that makes sense, I don't show off what I can do if I don't have to, I live two lives, just like in the past, one is my life in the Royal Navy as a soldier and my other life is... simply me, the young and happy Florence she loves so much, I love her for the way she treated me, the way she accepted me, I could never have imagined that. I still don't know much about things outside of Gallia, Mi should teach me about Kusari.
mais...
I am a bit worried about myself, my actions are considered wonderful by the Marechale, because I did so well in the first days, I might be in a leading position soon and then I have to be serious about it, I need to change completely if I go into service, I am too... soft, maybe, it's not a bad thing but it might make me look weaker, although I doubt it, I think a lot of men in the Royal Navy adore me already, which is a bit weird, others ignore me completely, it is impressive how dedicated some are to the Navy, very impressive. Anyways, I will go back to life now,
a lot of work to do in the end, au revoir, mon journal!
A few days, I have been in the Royal Navy for a few days now, I must say, despite it being a fight full of violence, I feel good, good about being worth something, I managed to become someone, someone my parents would be proud of, I always aimed to be proud of myself and not being dependent on what others think and I managed it, sort of. Mi is worried, I cannot say that it isn't justified, c'est dangerouse out here... but she knows, she is a Chrysanthemum, she might think I am not as tough, given the way I am around her, that makes sense, I don't show off what I can do if I don't have to, I live two lives, just like in the past, one is my life in the Royal Navy as a soldier and my other life is... simply me, the young and happy Florence she loves so much, I love her for the way she treated me, the way she accepted me, I could never have imagined that. I still don't know much about things outside of Gallia, Mi should teach me about Kusari.
mais...
I am a bit worried about myself, my actions are considered wonderful by the Marechale, because I did so well in the first days, I might be in a leading position soon and then I have to be serious about it, I need to change completely if I go into service, I am too... soft, maybe, it's not a bad thing but it might make me look weaker, although I doubt it, I think a lot of men in the Royal Navy adore me already, which is a bit weird, others ignore me completely, it is impressive how dedicated some are to the Navy, very impressive. Anyways, I will go back to life now,
a lot of work to do in the end, au revoir, mon journal!
the work is going great, I am getting a lot of things to do and I am doing them really well apparently, it is always a nice thing to see that things like promotions keep you motivated to go on and keep working. Every day I am at the front, though, that's where the picture becomes darker, sadly, I wonder how long, though, the Royal Navy does a good job in pushing the Bretonians back. My voluntary community service is going great as well, I heard, that the recent food and water deliveries were brought to orphanages by the poor people as well, a sign of kindness, even the poor people care for the enfants. I am now even transporting important goods around, sure, in a little Aurochs, I probably cannot do as much as a shipping corporation, but they are busy with their own work.
Soon, I should meet with Mi again, I miss my little kusarian woman, we had a fun time together although it didn't even last that long, I am very surprised by her affection, at the start she seemed to me like she only wanted the one thing. She turned out to be really, really, loveable, though, I am so glad about that. I wonder how much she sees of what I am doing, if she was in Leeds last time, who knows what else she can see. Ouch, now my hand hurts from all the fighting, adieu!
the work is going great, I am getting a lot of things to do and I am doing them really well apparently, it is always a nice thing to see that things like promotions keep you motivated to go on and keep working. Every day I am at the front, though, that's where the picture becomes darker, sadly, I wonder how long, though, the Royal Navy does a good job in pushing the Bretonians back. My voluntary community service is going great as well, I heard, that the recent food and water deliveries were brought to orphanages by the poor people as well, a sign of kindness, even the poor people care for the enfants. I am now even transporting important goods around, sure, in a little Aurochs, I probably cannot do as much as a shipping corporation, but they are busy with their own work.
Soon, I should meet with Mi again, I miss my little kusarian woman, we had a fun time together although it didn't even last that long, I am very surprised by her affection, at the start she seemed to me like she only wanted the one thing. She turned out to be really, really, loveable, though, I am so glad about that. I wonder how much she sees of what I am doing, if she was in Leeds last time, who knows what else she can see. Ouch, now my hand hurts from all the fighting, adieu!
another promotion, my service is getting better and better, the high command permitted me to command two new vessels, a gunboat and a cruiser, it really is an honor, I feel like there might be a future of more successes not too far away. I think now that I have done a lot of work it is time to spend some time with Mi again, I miss her, eversince she had to split our ways in Magellan, she wanted to come to Île-de-France but I guess she either didn't manage it or didn't try yet. With the approval of the request to trade within Kusari, I am able to see her, maybe, although I better don't abuse this for personal use, I need to strictly split private and work-life.
I keep forgetting that I even am together with a Chrysanthemum, the crown would see this as a horrible act of treachery, I guess but I must say: I really don't care about it, love is love and it comes in all shapes and forms, it should not be restricted to people of the same affiliation or nationality. The Gallic people are extremely close-minded, not that I can judge us for that, isolation for hundreds of years, it makes you become nationalistic, I am not a part of this, although I really favor our culture, the Sirians just seem so... rough and uncultured. Luckily, the Kusarians can be considered the most cultural enriched people after us, they keep their traditions and show proudly who and what they are, the others, however, seem to be just happy to shoot or whatever. Now time to freshen up and then go to sleep, adieu.
another promotion, my service is getting better and better, the high command permitted me to command two new vessels, a gunboat and a cruiser, it really is an honor, I feel like there might be a future of more successes not too far away. I think now that I have done a lot of work it is time to spend some time with Mi again, I miss her, eversince she had to split our ways in Magellan, she wanted to come to Île-de-France but I guess she either didn't manage it or didn't try yet. With the approval of the request to trade within Kusari, I am able to see her, maybe, although I better don't abuse this for personal use, I need to strictly split private and work-life.
I keep forgetting that I even am together with a Chrysanthemum, the crown would see this as a horrible act of treachery, I guess but I must say: I really don't care about it, love is love and it comes in all shapes and forms, it should not be restricted to people of the same affiliation or nationality. The Gallic people are extremely close-minded, not that I can judge us for that, isolation for hundreds of years, it makes you become nationalistic, I am not a part of this, although I really favor our culture, the Sirians just seem so... rough and uncultured. Luckily, the Kusarians can be considered the most cultural enriched people after us, they keep their traditions and show proudly who and what they are, the others, however, seem to be just happy to shoot or whatever. Now time to freshen up and then go to sleep, adieu.
I made Mi worried. Again. For the Roi's sake, why do I keep doing this? It is such a horrible gut feeling to have. It was just that I saw these two Brigands hanging around in Tau-29, Mi said that they were making a deal, she even warned me about risking too much, but I was so hot-headed and jumped in, even when a Privateer gunboat came and shot me. I felt so stupid afterward, I didn't get hurt but she must have felt horrible not being able to help I am sure... I almost couldn't get any sleep all night long because of this, it calmed me down a little, that she contacted me, though, that was nice from her. I should be more careful next time, or I might bring her in danger as well and this would be even more horrible, I couldn't forgive myself forever, I already have to value what we have so much, simply because it is possible in the first place, I mean, it is the greatest luck I have ever had, isn't it? Not really worth risking too much...
Today was a bit better, though, I even met the same GC gunboat in Tau-29, piloted by this woman named Aimi, a friend of Mi. I wish Mi would have been there so I could have talked to her, but apparently, she was asleep. Aimi seemed pretty annoyed by my presence alone, probably because she had to roll her eyes because of my stupid actions. I could very well imagine she doesn't even like me, Mi surely got into trouble for being together with me already, that causes problems, a lot of them. I don't have these problems, the Royal Navy doesn't know anything about this relationship and I hope they never will, unless it is guaranteed nothing will happen, but how realistic is that? We're talking about Gallia after all... Love shouldn't be kept by borders and factions, two people can always love, it is not important what they fight for, only the love counts, I really believe in this, Mi and I couldn't be more different, we still love each other, because we look over our differences and unite in our feelings towards each other.
I made Mi worried. Again. For the Roi's sake, why do I keep doing this? It is such a horrible gut feeling to have. It was just that I saw these two Brigands hanging around in Tau-29, Mi said that they were making a deal, she even warned me about risking too much, but I was so hot-headed and jumped in, even when a Privateer gunboat came and shot me. I felt so stupid afterward, I didn't get hurt but she must have felt horrible not being able to help I am sure... I almost couldn't get any sleep all night long because of this, it calmed me down a little, that she contacted me, though, that was nice from her. I should be more careful next time, or I might bring her in danger as well and this would be even more horrible, I couldn't forgive myself forever, I already have to value what we have so much, simply because it is possible in the first place, I mean, it is the greatest luck I have ever had, isn't it? Not really worth risking too much...
Today was a bit better, though, I even met the same GC gunboat in Tau-29, piloted by this woman named Aimi, a friend of Mi. I wish Mi would have been there so I could have talked to her, but apparently, she was asleep. Aimi seemed pretty annoyed by my presence alone, probably because she had to roll her eyes because of my stupid actions. I could very well imagine she doesn't even like me, Mi surely got into trouble for being together with me already, that causes problems, a lot of them. I don't have these problems, the Royal Navy doesn't know anything about this relationship and I hope they never will, unless it is guaranteed nothing will happen, but how realistic is that? We're talking about Gallia after all... Love shouldn't be kept by borders and factions, two people can always love, it is not important what they fight for, only the love counts, I really believe in this, Mi and I couldn't be more different, we still love each other, because we look over our differences and unite in our feelings towards each other.
That thing about Mi, it is pretty much solved again, but there is a little other problem... it is a girl... a girl that Mi thought of adopting. Her name is something like Karasu if I remember correctly. And... to be fair, she's horrible, she is the definition of a failure, she is addicted to Alcohol and Cardamine, but she is only like 17 years old! Mi seems to know that, we were talking on a Freeport, where I met her the first time and ugh... you can imagine how it went. I mean, I wasn't the best girl either back then, I also lived on the street but this girl... she is a whole other level but at the same time, I feel kind of sorry for her. I don't want to tell Mi that I don't like her because you can't really say that this is true, it's just that I fear this will ruin our relationship. I simply tried to be nice and she is all disrespectful, the girl, not Mi. And the way Mi looked at me when we sat there, I doubt she really expected Karasu to behave like this, she even seemed kind of annoyed. It must also be the fact that I am gallic, Karasu made fun of me, not that I mind, but she definitely has something against us but if I think about it... that has become normal. She probably just made a scene, her own little way of throwing Tantrums around, I can't fully blame her, maybe she was just as surprised as I was, being thrown into another person's life is not the easiest thing to get along with. She might have done it to give MI a little lesson, that's why I had to chuckle sometimes, most of the time, though I really had to keep myself together.
Work is going great, more and more successes all the time, recently it got me to meet an interesting person name Kyou Haruko, she is from Kusari, obviously and wants to visit Gallia with me, although she hasn't contacted me about that yet, I think I should do it now before both of us forget it. I am really looking forward to this, after all, it brings me back home again, I miss Gallia sometimes, being at the front in the dirty and smokey Agincourt is not that nice and neither is Magellan. I could accept New London but we're not that far yet. I would show her Île de France, Picardy, Orleanais, and all the other systems, with me at her side, she won't be disrespected there for being a foreigner, I am sure. She seems like a really nice person, admiring our technology and art, well, the Lynx I flew, that's what she admired, the way it was built. I really have to agree with her on that, the Lynx and Gallia's ships overall are just beautiful, I am sure she will like it there. The anti-Gallia propaganda hasn't reached her mind yet it seems, even when we talked about the war, it went kind of good with her since Kusari wasn't involved but she said that wouldn't bother her too much anyway because she is a Freelancer and not like a police officer. I think I would have to tell Mi about it before, if I am honest, I don't know if she would even like that but I know she does a lot of things with other women as well so why shouldn't I? I need to get out of all this, this war, this shooting, oui, it is my job and oui, I chose to do it by myself, but it is just draining and tiring. Some side-activity will surely not harm, the contrary, rather. Mi will be fine with it, as compensation I will visit her again and we will have some sweet time...
That thing about Mi, it is pretty much solved again, but there is a little other problem... it is a girl... a girl that Mi thought of adopting. Her name is something like Karasu if I remember correctly. And... to be fair, she's horrible, she is the definition of a failure, she is addicted to Alcohol and Cardamine, but she is only like 17 years old! Mi seems to know that, we were talking on a Freeport, where I met her the first time and ugh... you can imagine how it went. I mean, I wasn't the best girl either back then, I also lived on the street but this girl... she is a whole other level but at the same time, I feel kind of sorry for her. I don't want to tell Mi that I don't like her because you can't really say that this is true, it's just that I fear this will ruin our relationship. I simply tried to be nice and she is all disrespectful, the girl, not Mi. And the way Mi looked at me when we sat there, I doubt she really expected Karasu to behave like this, she even seemed kind of annoyed. It must also be the fact that I am gallic, Karasu made fun of me, not that I mind, but she definitely has something against us but if I think about it... that has become normal. She probably just made a scene, her own little way of throwing Tantrums around, I can't fully blame her, maybe she was just as surprised as I was, being thrown into another person's life is not the easiest thing to get along with. She might have done it to give MI a little lesson, that's why I had to chuckle sometimes, most of the time, though I really had to keep myself together.
Work is going great, more and more successes all the time, recently it got me to meet an interesting person name Kyou Haruko, she is from Kusari, obviously and wants to visit Gallia with me, although she hasn't contacted me about that yet, I think I should do it now before both of us forget it. I am really looking forward to this, after all, it brings me back home again, I miss Gallia sometimes, being at the front in the dirty and smokey Agincourt is not that nice and neither is Magellan. I could accept New London but we're not that far yet. I would show her Île de France, Picardy, Orleanais, and all the other systems, with me at her side, she won't be disrespected there for being a foreigner, I am sure. She seems like a really nice person, admiring our technology and art, well, the Lynx I flew, that's what she admired, the way it was built. I really have to agree with her on that, the Lynx and Gallia's ships overall are just beautiful, I am sure she will like it there. The anti-Gallia propaganda hasn't reached her mind yet it seems, even when we talked about the war, it went kind of good with her since Kusari wasn't involved but she said that wouldn't bother her too much anyway because she is a Freelancer and not like a police officer. I think I would have to tell Mi about it before, if I am honest, I don't know if she would even like that but I know she does a lot of things with other women as well so why shouldn't I? I need to get out of all this, this war, this shooting, oui, it is my job and oui, I chose to do it by myself, but it is just draining and tiring. Some side-activity will surely not harm, the contrary, rather. Mi will be fine with it, as compensation I will visit her again and we will have some sweet time...
the trip was beautiful, just as I thought it would be. I am currently on New Paris, you know, at home, my real home, not only Gallia, not only Île-de-France but in my home. Every time I step through that door, it feels like I haven't been her for months. But sadly, this won't hold for too long, I have to go back to the front way too soon, I could be her forever. It doesn't bother me, that I have to fight, but it is just so good to be home and the feel when you have to leave it again, horrible. Kyou is such a nice person, I think I just got another friend, as soon as I am done writing this, I will contact her again as soon as possible. We started in Rishiri, flew through every system I could show her, not the areas and systems that need special clearance. I actually didn't show her Provence, although I don't know if it would actually be prohibited for her to see it. But due to it only being accessible by a jumphole, I guess I made the right choice. She was really interested in everything, I was able to explain to her a few things about stations, planets, the Council, the Maquis, the Unione Corse and the Brigands were no topic, though. Well, if she wanted, she could ask about that the next time. The trip was really relaxed, no stress at all or anything. We were in a good mood. At some point, when we were talking about how beautiful everything in Gallia is, I felt like I was doing propaganda. This was not the case, though, I was honest, I am one of the few people who realize how aggressive Gallia is, gallics, that is.
For someone who is not from Gallia, all this peace and all the silence would probably make them crazy. While being able to relax is wonderful, a bit of action is always needed, something that you feel like you can live for. Maybe this is why I joined the Royal Navy even, I might just have wanted to escape the silence while still being able to get back to it once in a while. I wonder how Kyou's life is, if it is dangerous or exciting, I didn't really get to know what she does yet. I honestly don't even really know how Mi's life is, I guess since she is a Chrysanthemum, it is not much different from mine even. Yet, I don't know how it is outside of all what she does, same goes for Kyou. Maybe Kyou should really become a racer, she made a ton of money when she won this weird Kepler race, in which I didn't want to participate and bought a big luxury liner from it. I could do that too, even, I will buy a Lucullus liner soon, I think. But she must have had a great feeling of success, I kind of miss that, sure, being promoted and keeping up the job is wonderful but then again, it is only work related, and nothing I am doing for fun. I shouldn't be so negative, though, I had a great day and now I will lay back and relax a bit, before that, I have to contact her, though. Adieu!
the trip was beautiful, just as I thought it would be. I am currently on New Paris, you know, at home, my real home, not only Gallia, not only Île-de-France but in my home. Every time I step through that door, it feels like I haven't been her for months. But sadly, this won't hold for too long, I have to go back to the front way too soon, I could be her forever. It doesn't bother me, that I have to fight, but it is just so good to be home and the feel when you have to leave it again, horrible. Kyou is such a nice person, I think I just got another friend, as soon as I am done writing this, I will contact her again as soon as possible. We started in Rishiri, flew through every system I could show her, not the areas and systems that need special clearance. I actually didn't show her Provence, although I don't know if it would actually be prohibited for her to see it. But due to it only being accessible by a jumphole, I guess I made the right choice. She was really interested in everything, I was able to explain to her a few things about stations, planets, the Council, the Maquis, the Unione Corse and the Brigands were no topic, though. Well, if she wanted, she could ask about that the next time. The trip was really relaxed, no stress at all or anything. We were in a good mood. At some point, when we were talking about how beautiful everything in Gallia is, I felt like I was doing propaganda. This was not the case, though, I was honest, I am one of the few people who realize how aggressive Gallia is, gallics, that is.
For someone who is not from Gallia, all this peace and all the silence would probably make them crazy. While being able to relax is wonderful, a bit of action is always needed, something that you feel like you can live for. Maybe this is why I joined the Royal Navy even, I might just have wanted to escape the silence while still being able to get back to it once in a while. I wonder how Kyou's life is, if it is dangerous or exciting, I didn't really get to know what she does yet. I honestly don't even really know how Mi's life is, I guess since she is a Chrysanthemum, it is not much different from mine even. Yet, I don't know how it is outside of all what she does, same goes for Kyou. Maybe Kyou should really become a racer, she made a ton of money when she won this weird Kepler race, in which I didn't want to participate and bought a big luxury liner from it. I could do that too, even, I will buy a Lucullus liner soon, I think. But she must have had a great feeling of success, I kind of miss that, sure, being promoted and keeping up the job is wonderful but then again, it is only work related, and nothing I am doing for fun. I shouldn't be so negative, though, I had a great day and now I will lay back and relax a bit, before that, I have to contact her, though. Adieu!
I have thought a little bit... I'm currently sitting here on my desk with my head leaned in my left hand. I cannot have positive thoughts about the war anymore, not even solely about the war itself, also the "victory". Whenever I stare into the lost battlegrounds and into the eyes of the soldiers that we have standing in hundreds next to each other, I feel weird. I thought that reading a bit more about other sides as well might be a good idea, but then the feel of a traitor runs through my spine, what a disgusting feeling... it feels like something is scratching you there all the time and tries to make you suffer for whatever reason. Am I a traitor if I try to understand my enemies? Or if I doubt what I do? I don't think it is the first time since I've ever thought "Is that worth it?" But now it somehow presses against my skull, I suppress it, and it comes again, I suppress it harder, but the more I try, the heavier it returns. I am being mindless on patrols, my hands are numb when I shoot and my heart is not satisfied... when I win. Oui, war is nothing that will ever stop flooding our minds and actions, it has always been like this but now, for the first time, I think I am on the bad side. I've never been a denier of what the crown does and orders, yet, I was always obedient and did as my superiors wanted, often and well enough that I could become a superior myself. I am honestly afraid of a promotion, I am currently at an edge of actions, I have thought about quitting and just moving to Mi. My patriotic sense hasn't left me, though, I love my home, I love Gallia but the more I fight for it... the more I despise myself... Maybe this is just a stupid phase of my life, just like when I was living on the streets, that eventually ended, and everything became normal again, merci, Dieu. I cannot look at the image of Roi Charles with a smile anymore, or the emblem of Gallia in my rooms. Am I becoming an enemy of myself? One side of me tells me to quit and do anything but this, the other one tells me to not listen to what the other voice says and just keep on fighting and doing what I chose to do. Then... there is this quiet voice... it tells me to fight, it tells me to love my home and the people, it tells me to stand for many things I do stand for now, but it simply tells me to that as a revolutionary. Of course, I shook my head at the thought of it but I somehow couldn't forget it. I... am not the right person for such things... I was taught to hate those who oppose the Crown and even us taught to love those we protect even if it means fighting our own people. I never liked to fight the gallic people, oui, even those who are against us, like the Maquis, the Brigands and especially the Council. Those are being portrayed as the enemies of our home, the snake in our backyard and the horrible people that we need to crush. Is that true? I thought, now I am at this point, where I would like to find out. How do I do this? The documents about the Council are horribly rigged against them, you don't need to be for or against the Crown to see that. The Maquis, though... I mean, they are terrorists, no matter how you want to describe it, I think the Council are the only people where I hate to activate my weapons against. I'm afraid of asking them... but I'm also afraid of not doing it... what if they don't believe me if I say that I am just asking a few questions. I might be going crazy with such thoughts... writing them down is actually making me giggle a little, what am I even thinking?? Is that really me? Or did the war change me that much? If I wasn't with the crown... I could be together with Mi more often... I could see her beautiful face. I have more or less told her once that the work, or well, Gallia stands above her, but I figured that this was the stupidest thing I have ever said in my life. Gallia means a lot to me, but she means more, I could never leave her for it.
Death, suffering and all the dilemmas I, the princess think I am in, are not only here, the same things happen everywhere. I am not special, I am not even the first or only one to think what I currently think. I wouldn't be the first one to be called a traitor because of a change of mind, I wouldn't be the first one to die because of that. Who knows? Maybe I will write down all the deep and dark traitorous thoughts that have carved themselves into my mind and then just close the diary, dig it out in a few days and then laugh at the nonsense I wrote down here. Or... I dig it up and wonder, why the hell my ass is not moving yet and finally listening to my heart. Isn't that even what we're supposed to do? Listening to our hearts? What if our hearts tell us to "betray" our homelands by joining the other side? Is that even betraying? Doesn't the Council fight for freedom? For peace and equality between the sirian nations and us? Aren't we just fighting because we want to remain closed down, away from the other humans which we only perceive as aliens? Honestly, if I speak it out like this, the case would seem clear, but it is way more complicated. Sure, on the paper it would basically be that, but what about those soldiers here, that just wish to fulfill a purpose? Like me? I never came here to kill, at least, I hope I didn't, I am not even aware of what I wrote in my application anymore, if I listen to myself here now, though, it must have been a lot of lies. I will die on the spot if I keep up this mindset, though, troubling myself with theories all day long but doing something is such a thing... I think I will just do that now. I will ask about the Council and I will ask nobody but the leader of the Council himself.
I have thought a little bit... I'm currently sitting here on my desk with my head leaned in my left hand. I cannot have positive thoughts about the war anymore, not even solely about the war itself, also the "victory". Whenever I stare into the lost battlegrounds and into the eyes of the soldiers that we have standing in hundreds next to each other, I feel weird. I thought that reading a bit more about other sides as well might be a good idea, but then the feel of a traitor runs through my spine, what a disgusting feeling... it feels like something is scratching you there all the time and tries to make you suffer for whatever reason. Am I a traitor if I try to understand my enemies? Or if I doubt what I do? I don't think it is the first time since I've ever thought "Is that worth it?" But now it somehow presses against my skull, I suppress it, and it comes again, I suppress it harder, but the more I try, the heavier it returns. I am being mindless on patrols, my hands are numb when I shoot and my heart is not satisfied... when I win. Oui, war is nothing that will ever stop flooding our minds and actions, it has always been like this but now, for the first time, I think I am on the bad side. I've never been a denier of what the crown does and orders, yet, I was always obedient and did as my superiors wanted, often and well enough that I could become a superior myself. I am honestly afraid of a promotion, I am currently at an edge of actions, I have thought about quitting and just moving to Mi. My patriotic sense hasn't left me, though, I love my home, I love Gallia but the more I fight for it... the more I despise myself... Maybe this is just a stupid phase of my life, just like when I was living on the streets, that eventually ended, and everything became normal again, merci, Dieu. I cannot look at the image of Roi Charles with a smile anymore, or the emblem of Gallia in my rooms. Am I becoming an enemy of myself? One side of me tells me to quit and do anything but this, the other one tells me to not listen to what the other voice says and just keep on fighting and doing what I chose to do. Then... there is this quiet voice... it tells me to fight, it tells me to love my home and the people, it tells me to stand for many things I do stand for now, but it simply tells me to that as a revolutionary. Of course, I shook my head at the thought of it but I somehow couldn't forget it. I... am not the right person for such things... I was taught to hate those who oppose the Crown and even us taught to love those we protect even if it means fighting our own people. I never liked to fight the gallic people, oui, even those who are against us, like the Maquis, the Brigands and especially the Council. Those are being portrayed as the enemies of our home, the snake in our backyard and the horrible people that we need to crush. Is that true? I thought, now I am at this point, where I would like to find out. How do I do this? The documents about the Council are horribly rigged against them, you don't need to be for or against the Crown to see that. The Maquis, though... I mean, they are terrorists, no matter how you want to describe it, I think the Council are the only people where I hate to activate my weapons against. I'm afraid of asking them... but I'm also afraid of not doing it... what if they don't believe me if I say that I am just asking a few questions. I might be going crazy with such thoughts... writing them down is actually making me giggle a little, what am I even thinking?? Is that really me? Or did the war change me that much? If I wasn't with the crown... I could be together with Mi more often... I could see her beautiful face. I have more or less told her once that the work, or well, Gallia stands above her, but I figured that this was the stupidest thing I have ever said in my life. Gallia means a lot to me, but she means more, I could never leave her for it.
Death, suffering and all the dilemmas I, the princess think I am in, are not only here, the same things happen everywhere. I am not special, I am not even the first or only one to think what I currently think. I wouldn't be the first one to be called a traitor because of a change of mind, I wouldn't be the first one to die because of that. Who knows? Maybe I will write down all the deep and dark traitorous thoughts that have carved themselves into my mind and then just close the diary, dig it out in a few days and then laugh at the nonsense I wrote down here. Or... I dig it up and wonder, why the hell my ass is not moving yet and finally listening to my heart. Isn't that even what we're supposed to do? Listening to our hearts? What if our hearts tell us to "betray" our homelands by joining the other side? Is that even betraying? Doesn't the Council fight for freedom? For peace and equality between the sirian nations and us? Aren't we just fighting because we want to remain closed down, away from the other humans which we only perceive as aliens? Honestly, if I speak it out like this, the case would seem clear, but it is way more complicated. Sure, on the paper it would basically be that, but what about those soldiers here, that just wish to fulfill a purpose? Like me? I never came here to kill, at least, I hope I didn't, I am not even aware of what I wrote in my application anymore, if I listen to myself here now, though, it must have been a lot of lies. I will die on the spot if I keep up this mindset, though, troubling myself with theories all day long but doing something is such a thing... I think I will just do that now. I will ask about the Council and I will ask nobody but the leader of the Council himself. [/indent]