as always I understand your mixed up emotions upon my message, upon the situation and towards me.
Nor can I really be upset with you for swearing and unleashing your anger about this, about Sader, maybe even about me.
Aside from this, I have forecefully broken up the assignment for an emergency, taken all the holidays I have gathered since joining the Navy, and applied for them, as soon as I read your message. Unfortunately, since Liberty is at war, no holidays longer than two weeks can be granted at once, so it leaves the other holidays for other times.
However, about priorities...
I joined the Navy with the idea I could do much more to help Liberty. To help making this a safer place, where I can live, where my girlfriend and future wife, my future family can live in peace and safety. A place cleanse from terrorists, a place in peace with other nations, by force or diplomacy. As Freelancer I could only be hired to aid in helping Liberty, when authorities were around. It feels good to help, it feels important and just.
The bad side about this includes struggling with persistent foolish smugglers who think they can outsmart the law and never stop trying. The evergrowing numbers of criminals. The rising threat at Magellan that, for some reason seems to be quite an almost impossible task to deal with. The hours of boring patrol and boring paperwork. I didn't join the Navy to gain appreciation and hugs though. I joined to help changing things.
Nowadays I am struggling every day, wondering when I will find the time to actually spend time with you, fully aware that I can never make it up to you, for your patience and love you still give and have for me, eventhough I constantly get myself into trouble and stay anywhere but not close to you most of the times. It feels like I am losing hope and a part of myself into the negative sides of a soldier's life, that grow bigger, especially now that it affects my personal life so much more since I now have a girlfriend and a baby, which will soon turn into my real own family. At the same time I feel like losing you, for the very same reason, and seen on your point of view, with justifiably. Making me wonder, if risking my life every day is worth the chance I receive to probably change something that seems unchangeable. Honestly, I am torn apart into pieces for wanting to be with you, but feeling the damned sense of duty.
About Sader...he apologized. Which is nice but actually isn't really making up for the ***** he had done to us so far, but atleast he fully pressured on me taking the emergency leave.
Hell, I even told him I was considering resigning from the Liberty Navy, what of course made him try to convince me with argruments. Yet...no..things will not change any time soom as I am bound to a contract in service for Liberty, as long as the war with Gallia consists and all I can go for is the holidays I receive and leaves.. father's leaves, emergency leaves....
If I had only known that I'd find the love of my life anytime soon, I wouldn't have prolonged my contract... but back then I was destroyed and needed something to hold on...and the Navy was the only thing that gave me purpose.
Anyways, I am rightout shattered and terrified about the the last part of your previous message! There hasn't been a time I ever felt a cold chill along with serious concern like I had back then when my parents were murdered so far, until yesterday.
The doctor doesn't know exactly you say? I thought the medical technology was advanced enough to actually be able to show a clear state....however, I'm feeling sick just thinking about the possible bad outcome and I am feeling guilty for not being there to protect you and our baby...I really hope both of you are going to be well. Meeting you in my appartment, actually you are my top priority right now...
Now that a few days lie in between the last talk we had in your apartment and now, I had time to think about everything. It weren't the best days, I slept far less than usual, by now I'm completely overtired, and to top it what I found on my working desk all of a sudden was a pile of papers, all I had to read, understand, sign and redirect. I swear, one day paperwork is going to get me killed out of unbearable boredom.
Honestly, we turn round and round if we think about how much better our relationship could be, even though I do have admit the idea of you being bound to an employment contract for another year or even more does bug me. It's alright how it is so far, but I beg you, please look into it another time. There must be some way to circumvent the contract you've made with the Admiral. With the Admiral, he can screw himself, more I am not going to say about him.
I won't make you choose between your work and me, wouldn't make sense, especially since you can't choose freely anyways. If it wasn't due to the fact that you've been an incredible man, with so much trouble resting on your shoulders, and your forgiveness, I would be long gone. But that way ... I just can't. It would be worse of a betrayal than I've already done. And it's not what you deserve.
But as I said, let's forget about the worries, at least for a while. You said you are on holidays currently for the next weeks? Maybe we could arrange a little trip, a nice planet we could stay on for a few days. Enjoying ourselves, the weather, living our lives and not caring about tomorrow for a short while, for example Curacao. How does that sound to you?
Anyways, I want you to know that I love you, no matter the circumstances and no matter what is going to happen. Stay safe!
Waiting for your decision or actuallly for you to give me an answer was actually worse than spending my time with paperwork. Being kept in uncertainty about something so important by something so important like you, kept me actually worrying, pretty much unrelaxed. Glad to be delivered off these now!
Aside from this, it seems that Mr. Paperwork found a way of revenge for all the time Mrs. Paperwork cheated on him, with me, by cheating on her, with you. Guess that makes Mr. and Mrs. Paperwork even now!
Anyways...about our relationship.
I am glad you decided to run this way with me, and not in the opposite direction, it really makes me happy to know that!
Yes, we are running circles in the same lane, sometimes energized, sometimes moderately motivated, sometimes exhausted. It is the exhaustion that makes us wonder if we should give up, if it would ever turn better, or if it even became worse. That is the moment, when a rest is needed... from all the mess, all the tiresome parts, until we get energized again.
In the end of this run, as long as it might seem to be, there will be the price for patience and faith. I am willing to run the circles as long as it is needed, and take your hand to hold you with me, or even carry you on my back or in my arms as I run. As long as it takes, until the circle breaks and a way out is provided.
About Admiral Sader.
You don't like him, I get that. As well as I could have a better opinion about him. Not sure if he always has been an asshole, or since he became an Admiral. Jack wasn't different either, I think. However...it is not in his power to decide if my contract can be changed or canceled. He is only the Admiral responsible to command the fleet, but he is not the one in charge to decide upon contracts. The Republic of Liberty's Department of Defense is responsible for holding these contracts and it will hold on mine as long as I am able to serve, since contracts are prolonged or rather frozen during wartimes. All I can do is making sure to get enough spare time and days off for "resting and regenerating necessary properties and abilities" that might decrease during longer time of service.
Also I am glad you won't make me choose between you and my job. That would be devastating for me to be honest - also yes, even with the fact that it wasn't on me to change it anyways. Once again I'm glad you are a wonderful, lovely understanding woman and I wish, I wouldn't make you proof it again and again because of my job.
Thank you for you compliments and your bright opinion about me, for I sometimes don't think so well about myself. The trouble and responsiblity on my shoulders...yes that is very much real indeed. It gets worse the higher I step up into the ranks, but given that I haven't received a promotion for months now, I doubt it will likely happen soon anyways.
My forgivness is a part of my love for you. Aside from the fact that everyone deserves a second chance, it would hurt me more to make you pay for a mistake you already feeld guilty, bad and sorry about and already apologized in a very sweet way. Love is showing vulnerability, giving access to the deepest emotional layers and trusting the other person, the one you love, to not abuse this most intimate deep trust that is very exclusive and only for one person. I won't forget, but I will forgive and I trust you it won't ever happen again.
Now to the more delightful part about forgetting worries. Regardless of the uncertainity of your answer or decision, I already booked a two weeks stay on Curacao for you and me. I'd have quit it, if things turned out bad, because I wouldn't be able to enjoy holidays then, but luckily to my hopes, it turned out that you again show how lovely you are.
So I am already on Curacao, expecting you to come here, in a nice, comfy hut, surrounded by water, with a great view upon the dawn, the dusk and the time inbetween.
Cold drinks, alcoholic and not, exotic foods. Just relaxing, enjoying time together, yes that sounds wonderful!
See you there, love!
-John
PS.: Check the attachment. The key is sent to your device within this message and deleted else.
Aside from the lovely hours we spend at home, during the little spare time both of us have, of course!
Anyways, how are you?
How's our little gift doing?
How are Forlorn, your colleagues and friends doing?
I'd love to see you in space sometime soon again, if possible. Eventhough during my...well I hate to mention that term when talking to you...but yea, during my duty. I miss having you around me. I miss having you as my company. I miss talking to you, having you as my winglady on patrols.
Speaking of duties...it might just sound like "just another" apologize for not being around or available either, but no matter how many times, I really mean it. Things are getting worse on the front, and the Seperatists who betrayed the Liberty Navy under command of Adenauer and Knight show increasing activity within Liberty.
Also...thanks to this unwanted promotion on commanding the division of my fleet, paperwork is bombarding me like an artillerystrike, aside from taking care of new recruits. A whole lot to do...as always. I really look forward, when the mess finally decreases and my contract is over, to finally be able to spend more time with you!
You're so absolutely right, it feels like it's been eternity since we've last met in space - even though I can clearly remember it was just last Monday or Tuesday or so. Not quite sure what I prefer more, the time with you planetside in your apartment or in a restaurant, or the time when I see you in space accompanying you there. In the end, I think I would always go with option number one, but still, option number two is anything but worse. It just has some - apologies, let me call it downsides.
It doesn't bother me as much anymore as it has done before, though, and please don't take it as a sign of decreasing interest or anything. I'm trying to accept the circumstances with a certain kind of resignation lately, and it's working quite well. Do as you must, it's laudable that you are still doing your job with such enthusiam. That you have even more duty crap around your neck now doesn't really catch me by surprise. I just hope there will be at least some time left for the two of us to do fun stuff. It would be a pity. If necessary, tell your Admiral to get stuffed and take yourself the time you want.
Anyways, apologies for being stressful, at times. I don't mean to be.
I've been alright lately, finally I could recover from these horrible nightmares I had for a while, as I told you. I can still feel a slight sleep deprivation, but it's becoming less and less with every new day, so I'm sure it will be alright again soon. Thank the coffee for saving my life, seriously. Else I would be undead mummy longing for sleep already. You surely wouldn't want that, no? Had the opportunity to gather some days off, spending them in the Edge Worlds, mostly on the Freeport in Delta. Yes, I know it's a dangerous place and full of weirdos cutting each other's throat, but to me, it's actually kind of ... calming, so to say. The beauty of this place really gets me every single time.
As for our gift, it's actually ultra sweet, I really have to lug you with me once when going to the ultrasound, you can already see some minor movements of the baby. I tell you, one day it will become the toughest guy or gal I've probably ever seen, unbelievable. It's hard to put it in words how much I enjoy looking at the pictures the doctor took, it's all one never-ending "Awwwwww" for me.
My colleagues are all doing more or less well, we got a few more recruits lately, so I understand what you mean with saying you have to take care of yours. Even though they might be a little time consuming, I already started to like them all though, they are all very cool people.
I'm pretty sure everything is going to be alright - at one point. Love you, my dear.
I'm glad you're still enjoying my bed. I think it has getting used to you sleeping in it by now and probably would feel all neglected if you decided to sleep somewhere else!
Aside from this, I'd always prefer number one over number three, eventhough some space tag-team action is quite exciting, once in a while.
Don't you worry, I don't see it as a decreasing interest, it just got me worried a little, though these worries are already gone!
Being stressful, well I tend to deliver reasons or actually the fuel for that, and you react like fire on it. So we kind of fit together, don't you think?
As for my enthusiasm...it has pros and cons, but the numbers of cons actually overweight a little. That is "work" or rather profession. However, I feel it is a necessary profession. Defending Liberty has more meaning than patriotism and national interests. I don't want to sound overly dramatic, but since Liberty is in the core of the Sirius sector, it is the centre, the gateway to every bigger nation. Rheinland, Bretonia, Kusari, Gallia, the Corsair systems, the Maltese systems and so on... If Liberty gets too weak or even falls... the recent Nomad attacks will be only a teaser compared to the invasion we can expect. In order to prevent this, to protect you, our future, your friends, my colleagues and the innocent it is important for me to do this. Sounds like more responsiblity than it actually seemed to be, and yes, it actually is, but I am willing to accept it.
Of course not without the lovely time of fun and joy we have together. You are what I've been looking for and missing in my life. I only knew this responsiblity and duty and thought that was my life since the moment I joined the Liberty Navy, but since I met you, I actually enjoy life, and feel alive.
As for the nightmares you mentioned... when did they actually start? Did you encounter something terrible and horrorfying? Was it the dangerous incident that got you injured?
However, I am glad you are getting some sleep...waking up next to a mummy would be...very disturbing, eventhough I am sure you would be the most beautiful mummy ever. But we will leave that award for some time later. Way later.
Knowing that our little gift is all healthy and moving, really delightens my heart and I would sure love to join you in one of the ultrasound sessions to get a visual view!
:::ACCESS GRANTED:::
FINALIZING IDENTIFICATION PROCESS ... PLEASE WAIT ...
»»» Location: Luxury Liner Hawaii, Sigma-19
»»» Sender ID: Elena Voigt
»»» Recipient ID: John Armada
Hi John,
Well, I'm pretty sure you're going to wonder what the hell your girlfriend is doing in Sigma-19 all of a sudden without any forewarning, so let me make that clear first. Got invited by some friends of mine I made in Liberty lately, to join a little vacation trip through Sirius. You know, doing the usual sightseeing, having a look at a frosty Gran Canaria, a lovely Neutron Star in Omega-41 and so on and so forth. Our destination - obviously the Luxury Liner. We've been staying there for some days already, it's actually quite a nice place even though I'm definitely not infatuated with all this pomp and splendour. It's a location where we could go as well one day, enjoying some days off. To be honest though, despite my nice company, I'm already kinda regretting having taken these days off. Now however is really not the time to talk about this, I'll tell you more as soon as I see you from face to face again, it's a matter that should be discussed this way. Comm channels are known to be endangered to leaking, and as much as I'd hate our other content being leaked, this exact topic should stay under four eyes, no matter what.
Increasing nomad attacks? Would you mind specifying a little, please? Do you mean the chaos that has overcome New London lately, or something different? If there's any current fuss going on in Liberty concerning anything that contains nomads and their like, dear, I would like to be informed about that.
As with the nightmares - well. If you truly wish to hear it, I got into a little situation with a certain entity I shouldn't have ever gotten into a situation with. Risk of death and all this stuff associated with it. I've got over it by now, but it's the same as with the above. If you want to hear more about it, let's wait until we'll see us under four eyes again. Then we can talk.
I'll likely move back down to Liberty in a few days, though I'll have to make a pitstop at another place to get some other business done before I can hopefully lavish time on your company again. I'm missing you, John, very much in fact. Looking forward to you and a hug.
God damn right you are! What are you doing on a Luxury Liner.....WITHOUT me?
Jokes aside, I noticed the different structure of your message, just before I read the topic, which let me guess, that you were actually working.
A nice vacation through Sirius sounds actually lovely yes. I love Liberty, but sometimes I wish I could see more beside Liberty and Bretonia. Pretty sure it is not just a company's excursion, but rather a job you had, including a long journey through Sirius. Looking foward to hear details about your vacation and also the reasons of your regrets taking part in it!
Well, by increasing Nomads attacks I meant those which already happened, the jumphole in Liberty that lead to an uncharted system, spitting out Nomad ships, as well as the Nomads in Bretonia yes.
Even after two wars with Rheinland, several conflicts with the Corsairs and Outcasts, neverending criminal activity, tensed relations with Kusari and the new war with Gallia, even after the big Nomad War, Liberty always stood strong, stronger than all the other big houses. Bretonia is slowly running dry on ressources over the years fighting Gallia, Rheinland's economic system and power needs to recover, Kusari is yet in another civil war, Maltese are addicted crackheads fighting each other for the control, Corsairs only focus on robbing and Gallia only cares for itself, wasting it's ressources on revenge and greed.
While humankind is always busy destroying itself for greed, power, control and personal grudges, the Nomads grow stronger every day. God knows how many infected are already disguised, hiding in every corner of Sirius, within important organizations, corporations, secretly spying, working, sabotaging, waiting for an opportunity. Such an opportunity would be Liberty's ressources drained after a long war with Gallia and fighting off the endless numbers of criminals within. When there is nothing left to repair the damage in a certain amount of time, when ships and defense stations don't function anymore, and the graves of hundreds, if not thousands of pilots and crewsmen have been digged, what and who is left to fight? Then a great offensive of the Nomads, an invasion, another Nomadwar can be expected then, and it will again end up very very close for humankind.
Aside from this, there are no significant Nomad incidents in Liberty, don't worry dear. Harmony-Seperatists have shown increased activity in Liberty again, distributing propaganda over Liberty, full of lies and dubious information. They think the Liberty Navy Command is corrupted and compromised with infectees, going over corpses of the dutiful lower ranked Navy pilots who just wish to protect Liberty. Instead, the command of the Harmony is actually the one with shady, dubious intentions and reasons. Working with criminals and enemies of Liberty. Be careful whenever you see them around.
Asfor your nightmares and the reasons why you had these, while I seem to draw trouble to me like a magnet, you my dear seem to seek trouble. Anyways, yes I'd love to talk to you, face to face, in space our appartment, my love. I miss you alot as well, every day without you is less pleasant. You are definitely going to get that hug, and more.
:::ACCESS GRANTED:::
FINALIZING IDENTIFICATION PROCESS ... PLEASE WAIT ...
»»» Location: Luxury Liner Hawaii, Sigma-19
»»» Sender ID: Elena Voigt
»»» Recipient ID: John Armada
Hi John,
I surely wasn't working, luckily. It just happened to be the situation that I only got my Sabre to send comms currently, and it only has my "all dead business"-format implemented, so I had to fall back upon it. Actually though, possibly I'll continue using this one instead, even when I'm back home, just because ... I don't know, it looks cool, don't you think? Even though the red definitely is a contrast to the blue of my hair, but what will you do about it when it's your organization's colors? Exactly, nothing. But eh, ain't gonna complain now. But as I said, I wasn't working, luckily, after all it would be a pity if I did this during vacations, no? When I'm thinking about it, I actually had a ton of vacations lately. But ehm, well, does it sound weird when I say I don't really feel relaxed, not at all?
I suggest we don't talk about this whole crap more than necessary. Not that I don't love listening to your words, no, the topic is just a little ... problematic to me, to keep it simple. I'm gonna be honest with you, you've scared me right now, with this foreshadowing of a second Nomad invasion. Not the best story to read before going to bed, dear. You'll hear more when I'm on Manhattan again, but let's keep it this way: If the nomads should invade the Houses, I would be gone, somewhere very far off from all the crap, I swear - Cayman or wherever else, but far away from those things. That is, if I wasn't dead already then. But alright, I'm getting worked up about it again, let's not mention any of this until we're meeting from face to face again.
I guess you're right, though. I don't know why the hell, but it seems I subconsciously keep seeking for trouble everywhere I go. Or the trouble is seeking me, either way. The outcome is pretty the same if you ask me.
Really looking forward to seeing you again, the vacation should be over in a few days. If nothing gets in between - and believe me, I already used up my bad luck, so I doubt there will be any more offered to me -, we'll see each other soon in Liberty. Don't you dare doing any dumb stuff while I'm not there to have a look over you, alright?
Seems work keeps us both occupied, as my tries to contact you anywhere else but here were actually fruitless, and probably, with all the massive message entries via Liberty Forces channels have likely overwhelmed eventually your messages sent to me, as well.
Anyways. Actually I like the red that is represented by your company, also the rank titles, I have seen and heard so far. Red and blue are sure contrast colours, but can still be harmoning with each other sometimes. Why didn't you feel relaxed at all, during your vacation trip?
Aside from that, I am still sorry for frightening you a little with mentioning the possible consequences or the future progress of politics between humankind and other species. Definitely that wasn't what I wanted to accomplish here. Seeking safety, should this scenario ever happen, is sure the best thing you could do, and the best thing I would wish for you, and our child, while I would make sure, nothing would even get that close to threaten or even harm you.
Asfor the trouble seeking you, or the other way around, atleast you might now understand my magically magnetic aura of finding trouble, whereever I go. Probably in my case, it is because I am flying a Guardian with a Navy transponder, and in your case it might be the Forlorn's reputation.
Mentioning this, I met a guy commanding a Corvo named "The.Prometheus", who wanted me to work for him, and threatened to kill you and me, if I denied or told anyone about this. It got me a little baffled, and I admit, even worries, however, I haven''t seen nor heard anything of him lately.
I'm still waiting upon the mentioned "face-to-face" meeting with you, as well as my desire to see you still grows with every day, to a critical level, so to say. Hope to see you, talk to you, and hold you in my arms soon again!