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Hello everyone, so i decided to write my most active chars bios around over time as they build their background for 1 year or so.

Active Characters

Michael Richard - Ex-Crayter Military Fleet Admiral, Origin: Crayter, Status: Reintegrated into Crayter Military, part of Atreides Family. Refer to Agent Omega archive for CIS conditioning period.

Rebirth of the Crayterian
Richard, after all the extensive battles and as a consequence of his scars and injuries, using extensive amounts of cybernetics, in this story, he seeks ways to drop cybernetics for alternative methods as much as he can with Crayter people's help.

The Very Long Bio

IMG CR LH talks
Participated as part of Crayter delegation party.

United We Stand
Richard represents Crayter Republic in Tau Alliance meeting.

Farewell to Claire Chandler
Just a comm

Awakening the Beast
The never finished Minato Harbor repair story.

Pressing the firing button
Richard meets with certain high ranked commanders to discuss future strikes against Gallia

Project OLYMPIA
A Project that aimed to bring Crayter's Generation 3 Flagship, the Olympia, over the standards by acquiring and installing experimental tech.

Dark Day
Michael Richard commits actions regarded as treason by CIS and gets arrested by CIS.

Price of Betrayal
Michael Richard is being indoctrinated, conditioned and brainwashed to be an asset to CIS and pay for his betrayal with an utterly painful process.

Sean Dumont - Gallic Royal Navy Captain, Origin: Gallia

Sean's Bio

John Holdan - Ex-Council Fighter Pilot, Origin: Liberty, Status: Reappeared at Taus

Steve Longstar - Legacy of Orillion Cell Major, Origin: Liberty

Steve's Bio

Zack Xander - Crayter Military Fleet Admiral. Origin: Crayter, Status: Unknown - Presumed Dead
(Zack Xander was included in Olympia's canonization request and as such, he is under developer control)

Cassius Richard - The Core Secondary Fleet Captain, Origin: Crayter, Status: MIA

Bio of Cassius

Logs and happenings of Cassius
A collection of both logs and stories of Cassius Richard.

Hans Scwazager - RHA Second Fleet Captain, Origin: Rheinland, Status: Alive

Bio of Hans

Ruppretch Bodenheimermann - Unioner Syndcliga Gefreiter, Origin: Unioner (Bering), Status: Alive

Bio of Ruppretch

Victoria Katherine Richards - Bretonia Royal Fleet Captain, Origin: Bretonia, Leeds

Bio of Victoria


Of course general feedback about my RP s are welcome
Bump, char links will be put tomorrow and i really appreciate some general feedback here, seriously, too quiet.
Character links has been added for Michael Richard
Quote:[19:27:31] Shooty: https://discoverygc.com/forums/showthrea...pid1926697
[19:27:38] Shooty: awaiting some srs feedback here
[19:27:45] Shooty: muh ARRPEEE feedback
[19:27:49] Panzer: really?
[19:27:56] Panzer: dude.
[19:27:59] Felipe Scheuermann: Sad
[19:28:06] Felipe Scheuermann: Shooter got infected
[19:28:08] Panzer: you're linking your personal feedback thread
[19:28:11] Felipe Scheuermann: Hans?
[19:28:11] Panzer: where I can see it
[19:28:13] Panzer: today.
[19:28:16] Panzer: of all days.
[19:28:22] Felipe Scheuermann: Zhe flammenwerfer
[19:28:26] Felipe Scheuermann: nach schnell
[19:28:28] Panzer: welp, you asked for it.

Kebab'd
[Image: hZGXtfk.jpg]
7/10 needs more hot chicks who would totally sleep with me.

Otherwise, your stuff is good, I particularly enjoyed the shenanigans with the Lane Hackers.
i have only one female char that is being secretary of Fleet Admiral
I'm sorry if this is a bit harsh, but I feel criticism is the only way to improve. That's what feedback is for ! So please don't be mad at me Smile

I think your grammar and punctuation need A LOT of work. Sometimes you deliver these giant walls of texts with hardly a comma to give the reader time to breathe. Or sometimes you limit your text to tiny sentences linked by full stops that don't really need to be there. Understanding you is more complicated than it should be, sometimes even verbs are missing.
I know the core of RP is to make up a story, interesting characters, interactions and whatnot. That's the essence, the fun part. But bad syntax really takes a lot away from the pleasure of reading, and on the level sometimes exhibited by your posts, I'd say it even becomes confusing and hard to follow sometimes.

I won't criticise for the sake of it however, so I'll give you a piece of advice I was taught a long time ago, in khâgne (French undergrad course focused on humanities, a tough school but a very rewarding one) : whether you're trying to write a complex, multithreaded essay or a simple story about yourself, there is one rule, three words : precise, concise, well-built. To go deeper : you must strive to make your writing crisp, communicative, and well structured, with ideas behind each part of your text. Ideally, I should be able to pick apart any of your sentences, and you should be able to explain to me why it's there and what purpose it accomplishes. In writing, more often than not, I've found that less is more. A traditional mistake that writers, old and new, make, is try their hand at sophisticated, elaborate sentence structures when they know little of style, rhythm, pacing, or syntax. Trying to look cool or smooth usually gets you a very inelegant and hard to read prose. Anyone who wishes to git gud at writing needs to start thus : simple, efficient, coherent and easy to read. Those should be your pillars, upon which all your stories rest.

Finally, an example I picked from one of your stories.
"Michael Richard, finally took a short break from most of the military matters as conflicts driven smaller-sized. managed to visit the estate christened to his name for his deeds, rising from the grounds of New Corinth. He had a hovercar readied for him at the parking slots of the estate. "

Why is there a comma after "Michael Richard" ? Why do you need to pause there ?
"As conflicts driven small-sized" ? I think I get the gist of it, but that sentence goes nowhere. Either your tense is wrong, or there's something missing.
"managed to visit the estate" : there is no subject, no capital M. Is this the beginning of your sentence ? Who is it talking about ?
Estate : twice in two lines. Surely that word has a ***** ton of synonyms you could pick to add richness and variety to your sentence.

A mere example, but those, I think, are the vectors you need to work on if you are serious about getting to the next step on your RP. I'd also recommend a "show, don't tell" approach to your writing. Your first paragraph about Richard is very heavy to read, as well : "He did this. He did that. He had to do this. He went to see this and that". There's not much meat on the bones here, just a list of things happening to your character. Make it livelier ! Connect those goddamn sentences. However ! Following that ! Additionally ! Despite ! There are so many ways to connect the dots. Otherwise, your story looks like a shopping list, with your character's actions and thoughts as items on said list. That is very unexciting to read.

I have taken the liberty of editing a passage from that same story to give you the full idea of what I advise you to work on. This is what you wrote :
"He made a medallion of sorts out of the Battle of Tau-44 medal he had insistedly given by the other members of Admirality even if he did not want it at first place. He considered his scars from a direct Secondary Battery fire to the bridge of Phobos was enough for him."

This is what I'd write - not perfect (no such thing), but in my opinion, easier to go through, simpler and without losing the meaning I think you meant to convey.
"He had crafted a medallion of sorts out of the medal he had begrudgingly received from the Admiralty board, following the battle of Tau-44. The scars he got from that scrap while on the bridge of the Phobos were souvenir enough".

There - I hope it helps you a little. Please don't feel discouraged or whatnot. These are humble tips from one amateur writer to another Smile
DO BG RP FOOL!!!
, thank you for pointing out mistakes and giving advices, that was what type of feedback i was looking as one mostly. Very appreciated.

yes i will do it dont worry Smile
bumperino
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