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+--- Thread: Brakelatabasaasta Message Dump (/showthread.php?tid=2087)
Brakelatabasaasta Message Dump - Zukeenee - 04-26-2010
Comm ID: Brakelatabasaasta
Transmit to: Brakelatabasaasta
As I am aware, I recently had my wedding with Jenny-Govvy on Planet Manhattan. My masterful plan worked out amazingly well, and I've escaped!
But first, I'll need to backtrack and go over the things that happened in the days before the wedding. While I was so busy preparing the chapel for our ceremony, I didn't have time to write to myself! So, we'll start out with what happened on this one day where this thing happened...
~~~~~WAVY FLASHBACK LINES~~~~~
Once upon a time, there was a place called New York. And... lots of stuff happened there.
First, there was this guy in New York selling stuff. He sold me a shiny amulet and a shinier "Art" thing! But then a Hunterman came and was all like, "You can't have the art. Drop it or I shoot you. Grr." So, after some whining, I did. Otherwise, he would have hurt Bert!
Somehow, the art-thing got in the hands of Death, or something. There was a secret agent man, and he got the art. But then he got in a fight with a Ha-Ha person, who almost a'sploded him! When the Death-guy a'splodes, I thought to myself, I'll get my art back! But the Death-man ran away, and now I'll never see the art again. Best 350 fish I ever spent, and it's gone.
Then the person who sold me the art came back, and I was all like "Waaah! Complain complain complain!" But they wouldn't have any of it! The Rosey-person who sold me the art didn't know what I was talking about. Maybe he got hit on the head.
But I started talkin' about his rusty ship, and he got all mad, and then Newark was like "Oh, no, Rusty Rosey-man, you broke our mooring-mabob!" And they made him pay for repairs. But it was like... my... fault somehow, according to Rusty-Rose, but Newark didn't know that. I tried to blame it on DarkStar again. Apparently, Rusty-Rose doesn't believe in DarkStar. Then Rosey-guy was trying to catch me on his rusty hooks for the rest of our time together. Probably to hug me. But he sounded really mad...
I was able to get away from him after a while, though. Because I heard this interesting thing going on over the radio-talker somewhere else in New York... apparently, there was a competition going on!
LPI-Karl.Agathon[D]: I dont know who to cheer for... Kimble or Robinson...
Brakelatabasaasta: Kimble! Cheer for Kimble, my love!
[LN]-Christina.Robinson: Cheer for him and I rip your balls off!
Brakelatabasaasta: Christina! Cheer for Christina, for the safety of my balls!
[LN]-Christina.Robinson: Thats more like it...
Smeagle.: If your a man, a true man, you would have balls of steel. Therefor she could not rip them off.
Brakelatabasaasta: But I'm not a true man. I'm a Brakelatabasaasta!
Brakelatabasaasta: Kimble! Cheer for Kimble, my love!
[LN]-Christina.Robinson: Cheer for him and I rip your balls off!
Brakelatabasaasta: Christina! Cheer for Christina, for the safety of my balls!
[LN]-Christina.Robinson: Thats more like it...
Smeagle.: If your a man, a true man, you would have balls of steel. Therefor she could not rip them off.
Brakelatabasaasta: But I'm not a true man. I'm a Brakelatabasaasta!
I'm not actually sure what was going on. But the LPI-dudes and a LN-dudette were apparently busy with a lightshow. Or they were having marital issues. I dunno. I was lookin' for them to find out what was going on, but I never found them. It was around this time that I realized I had to get back to the chapel, anyway, to finish up with the preparations for the wedding.
So, without ever knowing why my balls may or may not have been ripped off, I returned to the ground-place and went back to watch the helping-people bring in the flowers. And we all know where it went from there...
Of course, now that the wedding's over, I'm not even in Liberty anymore. I'll have to explain that a bit later, but for now, I'll just wrap up this little entry here and be done with it. So... later!
Brakelatabasaasta Message Dump - Zukeenee - 04-28-2010
Comm ID: Brakelatabasaasta
Transmit to: Brakelatabasaasta
So here's the inside-ice-cream-scoop on what really happened after the wedding, minus all the artistic license (If you can call that art!).
I got out into space, frantically looking for some guy to take me away from it all, who was strong and handsome and able to lead me to the Colorado system. I had been up there a few times before, and that's where I met Thailand and Gap-man. In fact, Gap-man was the one who told me about Bert's condition, and that he'd turn into a rock if I didn't collect enough rock-blood before the next full moon!
Okay, well, he didn't say all of that. Or... any of that. But he implied it. Or... maybe I just wrongly inferred. But anyway, yeah. Now I have to keep the rock-blood inside Bert to keep him from turning. If it hadn't been for Gap-man, I'd have never known!
But that's a different story that already happened weeks ago. The point is that while I was up there, I found a nice place to live! A nice, abandoned, rock-house, not far from the Xeenamen rock-house. Two stories, three bedrooms, one-and-a-half bath... a big step up from my dumpster home on Manhattan! So I told myself, this is where I'll go. This is where I'll live and hide out after I abandon Jenny. It was a prime location, and all it cost was more rock-blood to be paid to the Xeenamen.
So now I needed to find a guy who could take me there again, so that I could safely make it to my hidey-hole without Jenny (or any of her flying monkeys) spotting me. Lucky for me, this guy spoke up...
Fark_Mcgeezax: Anyone looking for an escort? I have been in New York too long...
Brakelatabasaasta: I'm looking for an escort!
Brakelatabasaasta: Escort me!
Fark_Mcgeezax: Where are you?
Brakelatabasaasta: Escort Brakelatabasaasta!
Brakelatabasaasta: I'm at the big planet thing.
Brakelatabasaasta: I'm looking for an escort!
Brakelatabasaasta: Escort me!
Fark_Mcgeezax: Where are you?
Brakelatabasaasta: Escort Brakelatabasaasta!
Brakelatabasaasta: I'm at the big planet thing.
He came to the planet, and I went "There you are!" And he was like... yeah! I told him we had to move fast, because it probably wouldn't be long before Jenny figured out where I had gone. But first, in order to go to Colorado, I had to talk with the LPI-people again. Only they can authorize my inter-system travel. So I told the Farky-dude what we had to do, but he just sat there and talked bad about Bert!
Brakelatabasaasta: Now. Escort me to the LPI-people!
Brakelatabasaasta: First, I need to beg them for permission to leave New York.
Fark_Mcgeezax: What for? What kind of mission sends out people in that thing.
Brakelatabasaasta: Are you talkin' bad-talk about Bert?
Fark_Mcgeezax: Bert?
Brakelatabasaasta: Bert the Starblazer!
Brakelatabasaasta: He has a handsome mustache.
Brakelatabasaasta: See?!
Brakelatabasaasta: First, I need to beg them for permission to leave New York.
Fark_Mcgeezax: What for? What kind of mission sends out people in that thing.
Brakelatabasaasta: Are you talkin' bad-talk about Bert?
Fark_Mcgeezax: Bert?
Brakelatabasaasta: Bert the Starblazer!
Brakelatabasaasta: He has a handsome mustache.
Brakelatabasaasta: See?!
I showed him the 'stache. It's very important that all people recognize and respect Bert's 'stache.
Knowing we didn't have much time before Jenny would catch up, I urged him onward, regardless of his confusion. So we began our journey to find the Police-people! Along the way, I had to explain a few things to my unenlightened companion.
Brakelatabasaasta: Follow me, Escortman!
Fark_Mcgeezax: So why do you need permission to leave NY?
Brakelatabasaasta: 'Cuz they won't let me.
Fark_Mcgeezax: Says who?
Brakelatabasaasta: Says them! It's like a "House-arrest."
Fark_Mcgeezax: What did you do?
Brakelatabasaasta: I sang.
Fark_Mcgeezax: Thats a crime?
Brakelatabasaasta: Well, it was more like a whole lot o' stuff, that all goes under "disturbing the peace."
Fark_Mcgeezax: So why do you need permission to leave NY?
Brakelatabasaasta: 'Cuz they won't let me.
Fark_Mcgeezax: Says who?
Brakelatabasaasta: Says them! It's like a "House-arrest."
Fark_Mcgeezax: What did you do?
Brakelatabasaasta: I sang.
Fark_Mcgeezax: Thats a crime?
Brakelatabasaasta: Well, it was more like a whole lot o' stuff, that all goes under "disturbing the peace."
We came to the California Magic-Claw-Gate-Thing, but no sign of any LPI-guys. I shouted out for them.
Brakelatabasaasta: Nothin' here...
Brakelatabasaasta: LPI-men! Where are you?
Fark_Mcgeezax: So where we headin'? And why'd you need protection?
Brakelatabasaasta: I'm heading to my new home in Colorado! And I don't need protection. Nothing can beat Bert! I just want company.
Fark_Mcgeezax: Id like to see you last more than 5 seconds in a fight.
Brakelatabasaasta: I always last more than 5 seconds.
Brakelatabasaasta: The Starblazer is an unstoppable force!
Brakelatabasaasta: LPI-men! Show yourselves!
Brakelatabasaasta: Oh. They're all in Colorado now. What a coincidence!
Brakelatabasaasta: I need to go there the get their permission to go there!
Brakelatabasaasta: A most ingenious paradox...
Brakelatabasaasta: Harrumph.
Fark_Mcgeezax: How do you know that they're in Colorado?
Brakelatabasaasta: Bert told me.
Brakelatabasaasta: Bert was all like, "Hey man, you know they all went to Colorado, man."
Fark_Mcgeezax: How does Bert know that?
Brakelatabasaasta: I dunno. Ask him.
Fark_Mcgeezax: You ask him.
Brakelatabasaasta: Okay.
Brakelatabasaasta: He says, "Y'know, man, it's just like... all the fish in the world whisper to me, and I just tune in, man..."
Fark_Mcgeezax: Is that for real?
Brakelatabasaasta: Well, duh. Why would Bert lie?
Fark_Mcgeezax: Fish?
Brakelatabasaasta: Yeah! Fish!
Brakelatabasaasta: LPI-men! Where are you?
Fark_Mcgeezax: So where we headin'? And why'd you need protection?
Brakelatabasaasta: I'm heading to my new home in Colorado! And I don't need protection. Nothing can beat Bert! I just want company.
Fark_Mcgeezax: Id like to see you last more than 5 seconds in a fight.
Brakelatabasaasta: I always last more than 5 seconds.
Brakelatabasaasta: The Starblazer is an unstoppable force!
Brakelatabasaasta: LPI-men! Show yourselves!
Brakelatabasaasta: Oh. They're all in Colorado now. What a coincidence!
Brakelatabasaasta: I need to go there the get their permission to go there!
Brakelatabasaasta: A most ingenious paradox...
Brakelatabasaasta: Harrumph.
Fark_Mcgeezax: How do you know that they're in Colorado?
Brakelatabasaasta: Bert told me.
Brakelatabasaasta: Bert was all like, "Hey man, you know they all went to Colorado, man."
Fark_Mcgeezax: How does Bert know that?
Brakelatabasaasta: I dunno. Ask him.
Fark_Mcgeezax: You ask him.
Brakelatabasaasta: Okay.
Brakelatabasaasta: He says, "Y'know, man, it's just like... all the fish in the world whisper to me, and I just tune in, man..."
Fark_Mcgeezax: Is that for real?
Brakelatabasaasta: Well, duh. Why would Bert lie?
Fark_Mcgeezax: Fish?
Brakelatabasaasta: Yeah! Fish!
I was starting to get worried. Jenny was probably already out in the space-place looking for me, and I was still cruising the lanes with the Fark-dude, trying to figure out what to do next! But it was Fark-dude who suggested our next course of action. Unfortunately, I had to explain to him just why it wouldn't work...
Fark_Mcgeezax: Why dont we just get the hell out of here.
Fark_Mcgeezax: The LPI are too busy dealing with one gunboat.
Brakelatabasaasta: Well, where to, then?
Fark_Mcgeezax: Well, im the escort, shouldnt I be asking you?
Brakelatabasaasta: But I can't leave. I'll get shocked again...
Fark_Mcgeezax: Not if they dont catch you
Brakelatabasaasta: They don't have to. They put a thingamabob in the back of my neck. It knows when I go through a gate-thing.
Fark_Mcgeezax: You must have done something serious.
Brakelatabasaasta: They just like to be able to keep track of me, is all.
Brakelatabasaasta: It's like I'm an important celebrity!
Brakelatabasaasta: Or a deadly criminal. I dunno.
Fark_Mcgeezax: So if you have a chip in your neck, how does speaking to the police solve that?
Brakelatabasaasta: They can deactivate it for special occasions.
Fark_Mcgeezax: Cant you hit a wormhole and get out of here?
Fark_Mcgeezax: The LPI are too busy dealing with one gunboat.
Brakelatabasaasta: Well, where to, then?
Fark_Mcgeezax: Well, im the escort, shouldnt I be asking you?
Brakelatabasaasta: But I can't leave. I'll get shocked again...
Fark_Mcgeezax: Not if they dont catch you
Brakelatabasaasta: They don't have to. They put a thingamabob in the back of my neck. It knows when I go through a gate-thing.
Fark_Mcgeezax: You must have done something serious.
Brakelatabasaasta: They just like to be able to keep track of me, is all.
Brakelatabasaasta: It's like I'm an important celebrity!
Brakelatabasaasta: Or a deadly criminal. I dunno.
Fark_Mcgeezax: So if you have a chip in your neck, how does speaking to the police solve that?
Brakelatabasaasta: They can deactivate it for special occasions.
Fark_Mcgeezax: Cant you hit a wormhole and get out of here?
The Swirly-Light-Holes! Of course! They were different from the Magic-Claw-Gate-Things... they wouldn't be able to shock me! Suddenly, I came to a startling realization. Previously, I saw myself stuck in my New York playpen forever, with occasional trips to other nearby places if the LPI-guys said so. I'd always have to get their permission first, or else I'd get shocked and dragged back to New York.
Brakelatabasaasta: Holes... yes! The chip reacts to gates, but not holes!
Fark_Mcgeezax: Lucky for you I know most of em.
Fark_Mcgeezax: Lucky for you I know most of em.
But if I could bypass all of that by using the Swirly-Light-Holes... I would be free! I would be able to go anywhere. I didn't have to stop at the rock-house Colorado. I could travel the galaxy, bringing my Brakelatabasaasta-cheer to all the little boys and girls! And maybe even the genderless robots! I suddenly wanted go past Colorado, past Liberty, into the unknown... into Kusariland!
Brakelatabasaasta: I got an idea, then.
Brakelatabasaasta: We're going north. WAY north. Beyond Colorado!
Brakelatabasaasta: But we'll have to avoid the LPI-men in Colorado...
Fark_Mcgeezax: You know the way?
Brakelatabasaasta: So you! Farky-dude! Take me to the hole!
Brakelatabasaasta: 'Cuz... no. I don't know the way.
Fark_Mcgeezax: North huh, how north?
Brakelatabasaasta: To the Kusariland!
Brakelatabasaasta: To meet the Emperor!
Fark_Mcgeezax: Just like that....
Brakelatabasaasta: Just like that.
Brakelatabasaasta: I mean, it can't be that hard, right?
Fark_Mcgeezax: I think it will be quite hard.
Brakelatabasaasta: We're going north. WAY north. Beyond Colorado!
Brakelatabasaasta: But we'll have to avoid the LPI-men in Colorado...
Fark_Mcgeezax: You know the way?
Brakelatabasaasta: So you! Farky-dude! Take me to the hole!
Brakelatabasaasta: 'Cuz... no. I don't know the way.
Fark_Mcgeezax: North huh, how north?
Brakelatabasaasta: To the Kusariland!
Brakelatabasaasta: To meet the Emperor!
Fark_Mcgeezax: Just like that....
Brakelatabasaasta: Just like that.
Brakelatabasaasta: I mean, it can't be that hard, right?
Fark_Mcgeezax: I think it will be quite hard.
Though his lack of faith in my Emperor-meetingness-likelyness was disturbing, we had our plan! And just in time, too! It seemed some old friends had reappeared in system...
LPI-Sunbucks.001: Sunbucks is now open! We are in orbit of Manhattan.
LPI-Andy.Kingman[O]: Dispatch this is Officer 5-6 responding to red alert
Brakelatabasaasta: Oh! The LPI are here again. But they'd never let me go as far as Kusariland...
Brakelatabasaasta: We're still gonna have to sneak.
Brakelatabasaasta: So. Take me to the hole that goes... north!
LPI-Andy.Kingman[O]: Dispatch this is Officer 5-6 responding to red alert
Brakelatabasaasta: Oh! The LPI are here again. But they'd never let me go as far as Kusariland...
Brakelatabasaasta: We're still gonna have to sneak.
Brakelatabasaasta: So. Take me to the hole that goes... north!
There was still no sign of Jenny, so I had a good deal of confidence that my new plan would work out perfectly! Farkman and I flew and flew and flew... and there were a lot of pointy metal bits that kept hitting Bert and Bert kept going "Ow!" but we finally made it... to a colorlight hole! Farkman flew into it, and I followed... and we came out in Colorado-place!
Brakelatabasaasta: Now, once we get out of Liberty, we can use gates again. But until then... is there another hole that will take us north-er?
Fark_Mcgeezax: Yes. En route now.
Fark_Mcgeezax: Yes. En route now.
And we flew further... through rocks and rock-houses and space and stuff, and came to another colorlight hole! This time, when we went through, we came out into a dark scary place. In fact, I remembered the scary place from one of my earliest adventures, back when the LPI was less restrictive on my travel. I once followed a Winkyman through the darkness and nearly got eaten by the termites! But with Farkman as my guide, I made it out safely.
Brakelatabasaasta: Alright. Now! Onward! Up and up we go...
Fark_Mcgeezax: We are out of Liberty..
Brakelatabasaasta: Ah! We can go through gates now. Good job!
Fark_Mcgeezax: We are out of Liberty..
Brakelatabasaasta: Ah! We can go through gates now. Good job!
As we flew through a series of tubes, Farky-guy started asking more questions. So curious, this one!
Fark_Mcgeezax: Who gave you that name?
Brakelatabasaasta: Brakelatabasaasta? I did.
Fark_Mcgeezax: Does it mean anything?
Brakelatabasaasta: I dunno.
Brakelatabasaasta: My full name is "Brakelatabasaasta Feed Me"
Fark_Mcgeezax: Strange name.
Brakelatabasaasta: You're one to talk, Farkman.
Fark_Mcgeezax: Hey i named myself after my favourite cartoon alien!
Brakelatabasaasta: That's a silly way to name yourself! You should try naming yourself after a breakfast cereal.
Brakelatabasaasta: Brakelatabasaasta? I did.
Fark_Mcgeezax: Does it mean anything?
Brakelatabasaasta: I dunno.
Brakelatabasaasta: My full name is "Brakelatabasaasta Feed Me"
Fark_Mcgeezax: Strange name.
Brakelatabasaasta: You're one to talk, Farkman.
Fark_Mcgeezax: Hey i named myself after my favourite cartoon alien!
Brakelatabasaasta: That's a silly way to name yourself! You should try naming yourself after a breakfast cereal.
We went through a Magic-Shiny-Claw-Gate and everything turned purpley-pink...
Brakelatabasaasta: Ooh... is this Kusariland?
Fark_Mcgeezax: Almost.
Brakelatabasaasta: Wherever we are, it's pretty! Prettier than New York, anyway.
Fark_Mcgeezax: Well, technically we are already here. But this is on the outskirts.
Fark_Mcgeezax: This is nothing
Brakelatabasaasta: Ah. I see.
Fark_Mcgeezax: I have seen things you wouldnt believe.
Brakelatabasaasta: I believe a lot of things...
Fark_Mcgeezax: Almost.
Brakelatabasaasta: Wherever we are, it's pretty! Prettier than New York, anyway.
Fark_Mcgeezax: Well, technically we are already here. But this is on the outskirts.
Fark_Mcgeezax: This is nothing
Brakelatabasaasta: Ah. I see.
Fark_Mcgeezax: I have seen things you wouldnt believe.
Brakelatabasaasta: I believe a lot of things...
Then more tubes and whoosh-rings, more pretty sights, and another Magic-Shiny-Claw-Gate... and then blue!
Fark_Mcgeezax: Well, here we are.
Brakelatabasaasta: Ooh! This is Kusariland?
Brakelatabasaasta: Neat.
Brakelatabasaasta: It's all... blue.
Fark_Mcgeezax: Yes, though I doubt you will be able to see the Emperor today.
Brakelatabasaasta: Hm. Well, I can try.
Brakelatabasaasta: I bet this planet-lander-thing works the same as it does on Manhattan...
Fark_Mcgeezax: So being that I kinda smuggled you out of Liberty. There a payment for all of this?
Brakelatabasaasta: Oh! Payment. Yep, yep, lemme dig something up...
Brakelatabasaasta: Ooh! This is Kusariland?
Brakelatabasaasta: Neat.
Brakelatabasaasta: It's all... blue.
Fark_Mcgeezax: Yes, though I doubt you will be able to see the Emperor today.
Brakelatabasaasta: Hm. Well, I can try.
Brakelatabasaasta: I bet this planet-lander-thing works the same as it does on Manhattan...
Fark_Mcgeezax: So being that I kinda smuggled you out of Liberty. There a payment for all of this?
Brakelatabasaasta: Oh! Payment. Yep, yep, lemme dig something up...
I fished out some credits, and some stale bread, and one of those shiny jewelry things from the wedding, and gave them to the Farkman. It was all I had to give, but my gratitude for his services was... a lot... more. And stuff. Y'know.
Brakelatabasaasta: That's about what I got.
Fark_Mcgeezax: Nice amulet.
Brakelatabasaasta: Yup. I got it from some guy.
Brakelatabasaasta: He was a nice guy.
Fark_Mcgeezax: Well, is this where we depart?
Brakelatabasaasta: I guess so...
Fark_Mcgeezax: Good luck.
Brakelatabasaasta: Wellp... seeya around, mister Farkman.
Brakelatabasaasta: And thanks for the ride!
Fark_Mcgeezax: Yes, Brakelatabasaasta... yes! got it right!
Fark_Mcgeezax: Nice amulet.
Brakelatabasaasta: Yup. I got it from some guy.
Brakelatabasaasta: He was a nice guy.
Fark_Mcgeezax: Well, is this where we depart?
Brakelatabasaasta: I guess so...
Fark_Mcgeezax: Good luck.
Brakelatabasaasta: Wellp... seeya around, mister Farkman.
Brakelatabasaasta: And thanks for the ride!
Fark_Mcgeezax: Yes, Brakelatabasaasta... yes! got it right!
We parted ways, I landed on the big blue planet, and found a place for Bert to settle down for the time being. Rest up, Bert! Tomorrow's our big day. Tomorrow is when we really make our mark on Kusariland. Tomorrow we'll meet the Emperor himself and have a big meal together and om-nom-nom some of his royal pancakes and maybe we'll even be, like, heroes or something neat like that after we save the princess!
Anyway, things worked out pretty well. I escaped from Jenny, and all of Liberty, and I've taken my first steps toward freedom! But for tonight, it's late. And dark. And rainy. But I'm sure the rain will let up eventually, right? Well, I hope so.
I wonder what kind of dumpsters they have here...
![[Image: BrakelatabasaastaNewTokyo.png]](http://i160.photobucket.com/albums/t200/Zukeenee/BrakelatabasaastaNewTokyo.png)
Brakelatabasaasta Message Dump - Charo - 05-28-2010
Transmission incoming
From: The Barry man himself!
To: Brakelatabasaasta
Brake! You made me sad! You didn't mention me not at all! I gave you fish! I thought we were friends! Now I get to tell Jenny where you are because you were a big meanie to me! I hope your happy! *sniff*
Transmission....killed?
Brakelatabasaasta Message Dump - Zukeenee - 08-05-2010
Comm ID: Brakelatabasaasta
Transmit to: Brakelatabasaasta
I'm back! Returned from my amazing and amazingly un-documented trip all around Sirius! Bert and I are back to the Liberty place, in the New Yorky space. What was once our cage-home, is now just a home-home. No more cagey-ness involved! Except for... Jen-hunny. But I've only seen her once since I got back. Briefly. Hopefully I'll be able to keep a safe distance from her. Oh, Jenny... she still thinks we actually got married! But I went all "ABORT!" before we got to the marry-part, and everything went crazy... fish, man, that whole ceremony was a mess. Nothing went right, except for my escape. And even that was only temporary... well, I'm talky-talking too much about nonsensical sense-making nonsense. On to the fun!
I woke up this morning to find Bert ON FIRE again. So what do I do? Well, I was certainly a bit calmer about it this time. I respectfully requested aid from the good people of... that place. But little did I know I'd end up chatting with a Holy-fish-guy today!
Brakelatabasaasta: Excuse me, good sirs and female sirs of the New York system...
Brakelatabasaasta: Would one of you mind...
Brakelatabasaasta: Extinguishing my firey-bits?
Fish-N-Ships: Rothwell: Female sirs? What are you on, kid?
Brakelatabasaasta: OH FISH.
Brakelatabasaasta: It's a Fishman! Messenger from on high!
Fish-N-Ships: Rothwell: I'm no fisherman you idiot! I'm a Ship Parts salesman!
Fish-N-Ships: Rothwell: You high on the Orange stuff or summin'?
Brakelatabasaasta: Well you see, sir... or female sir... it's not quite so simple.
Brakelatabasaasta: Allow me to explain:
Brakelatabasaasta: I am a Brakelatabasaasta.
Brakelatabasaasta: And you are a Fishman.
Brakelatabasaasta: Therefore...
Brakelatabasaasta: FISH.
The Fishman seemed unaware of his own position in the Fishverse. I was going to explain to him just what made him the Fishly Fishmangod that he was, but then, a distraction!
Cindy_Snow: And I am a female sir.
Brakelatabasaasta: Hi hi, Female sir!
Cindy_Snow: Hi male sir.
Cindy Female Sir was all, "WhooOOOOoooah!" And I was all, "Ka-plooOOOOOooo?" And we danced the dance of Kings and Men while I softly cried and played my tiny trumpet. And the fires went out.
But it was over quickly.
Because the greatest, meanest, nastiest man in the whole wide 500-meter radius had appeared to ruin our day. He claimed to be a Pleesm'n, but I didn't believe him.
tie3: you sound like youre on drugs but youre not....
Cindy_Snow: No, male sir.
tie3: hmmmmmmm
tie3: call me sir
Brakelatabasaasta: Mmm... no. I'll call you Dan.
Cindy_Snow: Cal me Sir Cindy female.
Brakelatabasaasta: Yessir, Sir Cindy Female Female Sir!
tie3: you get charged a fdee for diserespecting me?
tie3: call me sir
Brakelatabasaasta: What was that, Dan? I couldn't hear you over the sound of how DAN you are.
Cindy_Snow: I'd hate to be Dan.
Brakelatabasaasta: I know, right?
tie3: call me sir or else....
Cindy_Snow: Or else Dan.
tie3: so youre silent?
Brakelatabasaasta: What, Dan? WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
Yeah. Dan sucked. No one liked Dan. He went all "I'm gonna leave now" And we were all "Fine, Dan, go away" but then he didn't! Man. What a fishstick.
Oh! And Fishgodman heard me yakkity-yakking, and got all fake-angry about it.
Fish-N-Ships: Rothwell: Do you want me to shoot you?
Brakelatabasaasta: Shoot? With the goodness and holiness of the Fishlord?
Brakelatabasaasta: Please!
Fish-N-Ships: Rothwell: Someone take him home. Sheesh.
Brakelatabasaasta: I dun wanna go to my Dumpsterhome yet!
Fish-N-Ships: Rothwell: Someone take him home or shoot him! Just shut it up!
tie3: im bored.....
Cindy_Snow: Shut it, Dan.
Dan kept going on about harrassment and was going all like "Stop calling me Dan!" And Cindy and I were all "But that's your name, Dan!" And he got madder and madder and exploded into a cloud of... well, no. He didn't explode. But that would have been cool. One can dream...
And then, calamity! Dan got so angry, he transformed into a pirate! He went all "Gimme money now!" It was quite a sight to unbehold. Explosions happened.
tie3: cindy give me 10k for harrsing an LP
Cindy_Snow: I'm not harassing you.
tie3: you keep on calling me dan i told you to stop
Brakelatabasaasta: Shut up, Dan.
Cindy_Snow: He's harassing me about harassment.
tie3: now hand it over.. or else
Cindy_Snow: But you're Dan.
Cindy_Snow: WHAT?
Death: Cindy_Snow was put out of action by tie3 (Gun).
Brakelatabasaasta: NOW WE SEE THE TRUE COLORS OF THE PLEESMEN!
Brakelatabasaasta: And that color... is blue!
Brakelatabasaasta: You bastard, Dan!
Cindy_Snow: What the Dan?
Brakelatabasaasta: Yeah, Dan! What the Dan?!
Cindy-person-sir went BOOM and Dan was the BOOM-causer! Words cannot express my anger over this. But a picture can!
![[Image: angrycustomer.jpg]](http://i160.photobucket.com/albums/t200/Zukeenee/angrycustomer.jpg)
Note: The fine gentleman in this picture is not Brakelatabasaasta.
Luckily, some real pleesm'n-type of guys came around before I could get any angrier.
LCBO|-Dan_Renolds: Something going down LNS?
LNS-BB16-Tumwater: Anna Lee: Who killed Cindy?
Brakelatabasaasta: Dan blew up Sir Female Cindy Female Female Sir!
Brakelatabasaasta: It was TERRIBLE!
And actally, a lot of other stuff happened then, all of it talky-talking. It was boring, with accusations and finger-calling and name-pointing... "He blew me up and took my cargo!" "She disrespected me by calling me Dan!" "You're a no-armed marsupial with soap-for-brains and a toothbrush stuck in your nose!" Finally, with my explanation-help, the Navyguys started to sort things out.
And then I realized something. Ther was a real Dan on the scene! Oh, the confusion he was faced with...
LNS-BB16-Tumwater: Anna Lee: Attention, Dan, distance yourself from Cindy, specifically two klicks.
LCBO|-Dan_Renolds: *Screatches his head* Im so confused here
Brakelatabasaasta: OH fish.
Brakelatabasaasta: There's a "real" Dan here!
Brakelatabasaasta: Real Dan, there's already a Dan here.
Brakelatabasaasta: So we'll call you... Ted.
Cindy_Snow: Can I be Marty?
Brakelatabasaasta: Sure.
Brakelatabasaasta: Marty, Ted, and... ugh. Dan.
With that sorted, it was back to business.
LCBO|-Dan_Renolds: Alright
LCBO|-Dan_Renolds: Some one tell me what the hell is going on here
Brakelatabasaasta: Mister Renolds, your name is now Ted.
Brakelatabasaasta: That's Understand-thing Nuber 1.
Brakelatabasaasta: And tie3 is Dan.
Cindy_Snow: That Mr. Police Man Dan Stole 4 units of my Light Arms, and raped me earlier, now he wants 10k.
tie3: itd was consficated
Cindy_Snow: I feel so dirty.
Cindy_Snow: *Cries*
tie3: CINDY STAY AWAWY OR ILL OPEN FIRE
LNS-BB16-Tumwater: Anna Lee: No you won't.
Cindy_Snow: You're supposed to be 2 klicks away from me.
Brakelatabasaasta: Marty speaks truths.
But a newcomer approaches! Will he be an asset? Or... a non-asset?!
Well, as it turns out, he just starts this whole mess of names and newnames and nonnames and pseudonames.
=LSF=Jason_Booth: What the hell is going on here?
Brakelatabasaasta: Jason! We don't already have a Real Jason... but you need a new name anyway!
Brakelatabasaasta: So... Jason is now... Anna.
Cindy_Snow: Then who is Anna?
LNS-BB16-Tumwater: Anna Lee: What.
LCBO|-Dan_Renolds: Cindy
Brakelatabasaasta: FISH! We ALREADY HAVE an ANNA!
Cindy_Snow: Oh, there we go.
Brakelatabasaasta: Anna, you're now Will.
Brakelatabasaasta: SO.
Brakelatabasaasta: tie3 = Dan. Cindy = Marty. Dan Renolds = Ted. Jason = Anna. Anna Lee = Will.
Brakelatabasaasta: We all clear?
.:j:.Corpulent.Corvus: But my name is Will.
Brakelatabasaasta: Wait...
Brakelatabasaasta: We have a WILL, TOO?
Brakelatabasaasta: Man! Will, your name is now... Toby!
Cindy_Snow: Or that'll work.
Fish-N-Ships: Rockwell: You all set now?
Brakelatabasaasta: tie3 is now Dan. Dan is now Ted. Cindy is now Marty. Jason is now Anna. Anna Lee is now Will. Will is now Toby. NOW we're clear.
But no, we weren't clear. It took A LOT more talking and boring chattering before we were "clear". The real-real Navyguys found out that Pleesman Dan did, indeed, splow up Marty/Cindy and steal her cargo. So when Pleesman Dan refused to return the space-boxes, Navyguys went all "Take it by force!" And started a lightshow! I yelled out my terrible battlecry:
Brakelatabasaasta: I'M HELPING I'M HELPING.
And I joined the show! Which... lasted a few minutes. Pleesman Dan was really jump-jumpy and Bert was all "I can't keep up!" So Pleesman Dan got away. The Real-real Navyguys went all "We're putting an arrest warrant on Dan" and left. Which just left Marty/Cindy.
Brakelatabasaasta: So. Did Female Sir Marty get his-her cargo back?
Cindy_Snow: No...
Brakelatabasaasta: Oh. I was hoping for a "yes", to which I could reply, "my work here is done", which would have been a good excuse to exit...
Brakelatabasaasta: But now I have to rethink my exit-strategy.
Brakelatabasaasta: Um.
Brakelatabasaasta: Yeah... bye!
Cindy_Snow: Bye!
And then I went back to my Dumpsterhome and had a big, tasty brunch with the Fishgodman. There were cinnamon buns and snails. It was lovely. THE END.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Comm ID: Brakelatabasaasta
Transmit to: That Barry Guy... Himself!
Oh hi. Um... what?
Brakelatabasaasta Message Dump - Zukeenee - 10-14-2010
Comm ID: Brakelatabasaasta
Transmit to: Brakelatabasaasta
My own home system only serves to disappoint me these days. I go up into spacey-place, try to talk with spacey-pilots, and the responses are all so depressing. Here are today's encounters.
So first thing I see when I launch from the planet is a big fat ALG-person in a big fat ALG-person Garbage-ship.
Brakelatabasaasta: Hmmmm...
Brakelatabasaasta: You smell funny.
Brakelatabasaasta: But not in a good way.
Kharon: then its u self...were in space remember?
Brakelatabasaasta: But...
Kharon: LOL!
Brakelatabasaasta: Just 'cause there's no air, that doesn't mean... oh, whatever. I stand by my previous statement.
Brakelatabasaasta: You smell.
I wasn't getting anything out of him. So I left, towards the place with the Bushes. On the Whoosh-ring-path, I saw another guy, and quickly un-whooshed to get a better look. But it was just a guy in a teeny grabby-ship with no other notable features.
Brakelatabasaasta: Ohh... I thought you'd be someone interesting.
Brakelatabasaasta: Guess not.
He stood there for a minute, silent, and then just got back into the Whoosh-ring without a word. I saw him again later, but just like before, he sped away from me without saying anything. Oh well. Some people are just shy, I guess.
Then I went back to the planet, and Garbagem'n Guy was still there, but so was some other guy in a Fish-Face Ship.
Brakelatabasaasta: Hello, Fish-Face.
Ace-STORM: ???
Ace-STORM: hi small and indefence ship
Brakelatabasaasta: Yup. Just as I was afraid. Zero intelligence here, too.
Brakelatabasaasta: Well, I'm discouraged. Back to the dumpsterhome.
Ace-STORM: i know how to shot you
Brakelatabasaasta: Yeah. I'm sure you do.
So I got back in the Planet-Lander-Mabob and went straight back to my dumpsterhome. No use hanging around these uninteresting idiots.
Where'd all the fun people go?
Brakelatabasaasta Message Dump - Zukeenee - 12-30-2010
Comm ID: Brakelatabasaasta
Transmit to: Brakelatabasaasta
Listen up, small ones! It's story time again. So sit down and listen while I finish pulling bits of plastic out of my ear-holes.
-----------------------
There will be a time of great greatness, the greatness of which shall be dwarfed only by its redness, because it will have a rash. In this time of red greatness, a guy will come along. On a beach. And on that beach there will be a tiny dude. And on that tiny dude will be a great, dark spire that will reach to the sky! It'll be like, 500 feet tall, at least. And the tiny dude will fall to his knees from the weight of the tall dark spire. Because it's going to be heavy.
So the other guy, the one who will have just come along, shall go up to the tiny dude. And to the tiny dude, he shall speak: "O, tiny dude that doth bear the great, red weight of thy spire, tell me the secrets of the answers!"
Yet, as many a moment will pass, the guy will recieve no answer from the tiny dude. Angered by the silence of the great redness, the guy shall kick the tiny dude in his stomach and move along the beach. And the tiny dude will probably fall and get crushed by the spire. In any case, he's gonna die.
And so, the guy will continue walking. In his travels, he will come upon a door. This door will stand freely on the beach, as it will not be set in any wall, and shall seem to lead nowhere. "A-ha!" the guy will exclaim. "This door will surely lead me to the secrets of the answers! It's just the sort of plot device that I need!" With pride in his heart, and jellybeans in his navel, the guy will push firmly on the door, which will swing open for him. A bright brightness shall erupt from the door's frame, and it will envelope the guy in its blinding light.
In a single step, the guy shall pass though the door-frame. And yet, he will find himself right back on the same beach. "How strange," the guy will wonder aloud. "I was at least expecting that thing to put me in some weird version of New York, like in Drawing of the Three." The guy will turn to take another look at the door, but it will have turned into a bright red fish. So there's the source of this Great Redness, the guy will think. Without another moment's consideration, the guy shall pick up the fish and eat it. Then he will fall asleep for a hundred years.
The guy's name will be Charles.
-----------------------
In other news, a man called Arthur is holding a book. Arthur stands in a black void of black voidness, far from any sources of greatness or redness. Arthur opens his book and begins to read aloud: "Kam tre'dovah kenen Moht?" He asks. At this moment, a helicopter appears and starts pouring an endless stream of orange juice on Arthurs head. The helicopter is not named Harold.
Arthur drops his book and signals to the helicopter with both hands. He tells the helicopter to leave, because it's cramping his considerable style. Not-Harold complies, leaving Arthur alone once again, in his black void that is neither great nor red.
After a moment of consideration, Arthur retrieves his book and reads another passage aloud: "Lenah biv kenen tenesh ehrthbantee meh keelentee." Immediately, a shaft of light illuminates a single spiral staircase. Arthur, knowing where the stairs will take him, begins his ascent. It will take Arthur several hours to reach his destination. Let's check back on him later.
-----------------------
MEANWHILE, in a big city somewhere, ROBOTS were happening! You see, the robots were like cops, and they were chasing some lawbreaker guy though the back alleys, and there was all sorts of action going on! Get this: There was this one part of the chase where the lawbreaker--whose name was Ted or something--hopped into one of those future transport tubes, and a robot followed him, and it was like a high-speed tube chase! And Ted started shooting at the robot while they were inside the tube, and the robot shot lasers and energy-disks, and there were all sorts of high-speed twists and turns... aw, man, you should have seen it! Ooh! And there was this one part where they were in a house of mirrors, and it was all spooky, like "Where's he coming from?" and "Which ones are real?" but it turns out they were all real, and the robots started attacking with their chainsaw-hands, but Ted had a sword, and it was all "Clang! Clang! Punch-kick-SHING!" And don't even get me started on the scene where Ted's fighting the robots while falling from a cliff! Dang, why weren't you watching when all this happened?
-----------------------
And so we reach the part of our story that talks about real things. Little things. Like taking money from machines. Sometimes we own the zeroes, and sometimes we own the ones. And on the rarest occasions, we find a ten dollar bill in our pocket.
But that's not here. It's there. And if it knows what's good for it, it will stay there. You see small ones, this is about something that falls into the category of Time. Time, which may primarily be considered a category only by those who use Venn diagrams for everything, is not there. It's here, and will continue to be even after Charles, Ted, and Arthur are not. Time will slow the Hand of Shadow, but it will slow all else as well.
At the other end of this spectrum--if such can be considered a spectrum--is Life. Life is there, ready to be used only by those who are destined to use it. Life is temporary, as the waters that surround it slowly erode its surface. And yet, once the greatest sacrifice is made, Life will choose another, and continue its journey toward a distant but shattered planet. It is perhaps the greatest of gifts, but it is easily the most dangerous, as well.
And standing alone, with none to offer it aid, is Creation. Unlike Life and Time, it is truly neither here nor there, as it was never given a Name. We only know it to exist, and we believe it to be greenish in nature, whereas Time is orange and Life is golden. Creation cannot outdo either Life or Time, and remains underappreciated. Yet the being that weilds Creation may be the last hope in restoring order to this universe.
And this leaves us here, in this strange alternate version of New York, as described in Drawing of the Three. Over there we can see Arthur emerging from the manhole, squinting in the sunlight, book still in hand. As he places his left foot on the curb to bring himself level with the street, a robot shoots him with several laser beams. Arthur turns into a pile of ash, and the Great Redness descends on this world. Perhaps, this time, some will be spared.
-----------------------
If you sought meaning in the above stories, then you and you alone are what is wrong with this world.
If you found meaning in the above statement, then you should probably stop taking things so seriously.
If you found nothing here at all, then I commend you.
Brakelatabasaasta Message Dump - Zukeenee - 01-08-2011
Comm ID: Brakelatabasaasta
Transmit to: Brakelatabasaasta
Ta-dah! Some stuff happened, and you're about to hear about it!
Started out normal, blah-blah-blah, Bert-flying and people-teasing. Got an offer from a guy.
Eric.Knox..: Hello
Eric.Knox..: would you like to make money?
Brakelatabasaasta: Are you my mother?
Eric.Knox..: do you want to make bucks or not?
Brakelatabasaasta: Can I make does instead?
Eric.Knox..: eh?
Brakelatabasaasta: Doe, a deer, a female deer, ray, a drop of golden sun...
Eric.Knox..: okay
Eric.Knox..: Nevermind then
That was around Manhattan-orbit place. Then I found a guy who was all like... flying! His name was Nemo. And I entered sneaky-stealthy mode and followed, like I always do. So I followed Nemo through the whoosh-rings to the Bushy place, and found an even more interesting guy! He was a Botanyman. So, I did what anyone would do.
Brakelatabasaasta: Ooh! A new target! Switching Inconspicuous Follow-Mode from Nemo to Botanyman!
Brakelatabasaasta: A-sneak-a sneak-a...
LNS-Nevada*Brightstar: bruce: Huhmmm.
S.S.Botany.Bay: Odd little bugger, aren't ya?
Brakelatabasaasta: Clearly he cannot be speaking to me. He cannot see me, because I am so STEALTHY.
LNS-Nevada*Brightstar: Bruce: Your vissible to my naked eye pilot.
Brakelatabasaasta: Shh-shh-shh! You'll blow my cover! My cover... which covers me from you...
S.S.Botany.Bay: You get many like this around here mister officer?
LNS-Nevada*Brightstar: Ther a very few ship i can't see on my scanner its specialyzed by *Ageira tech engineers.
Brakelatabasaasta: Well, you can't see me or Bert! That's for sure. Bert told me so, it must be true.
S.S.Botany.Bay: Seems like a smart bloke that Bert.
Brakelatabasaasta: A-yup. Bert and me go way back. We're good friends, and he's a good ship-guy.
S.S.Botany.Bay: I s'pose I'll just have to take your word for it.
Brakelatabasaasta: Or you can see for yourself! Because you CAN'T see me! So there's your proof.
Brakelatabasaasta: So so stealthy.
So Botanyman seemed interesting enough. The Navyguy left, anyway, but he seemed pretty stiff-straight, like most Navyguys. I continued to be stealthy, but then Botanyman mentioned moving somewhere else.
S.S.Botany.Bay: Fancy a trip to Manhattan? I think I might relax there.
Brakelatabasaasta: 'Kay 'kay!
S.S.Botany.Bay: And you can continue to be... stealthy.
Brakelatabasaasta: Yup-yup! But shh! Don't spoil it.
S.S.Botany.Bay: Heh, I'll try.
When we got back to Manhattan-space, though, there was like, no one there. So I didn't bother with my stealthiness so much. And I had a little chat with Botanyman.
S.S.Botany.Bay: Bloody Samura following me...
Brakelatabasaasta: Why come?
S.S.Botany.Bay: Maybe they're just jealous of my dashing vessel. *chuckles*
Brakelatabasaasta: Ah! Yes! Tha must be it! So what's its name? Is it a he or a she?
S.S.Botany.Bay: Who? The Samura? They're a whole bunch of he's and she's. And I don't think they fancy me too much.
Brakelatabasaasta: Nah, nah, your "dashing vessel"! You've already met my stealthy Bert. And yours...?
S.S.Botany.Bay: My name?
Brakelatabasaasta: Well, that works, too. But your ship! What's his or her name? I mean, I'm Brakelatabasaasta, and my ship is Bert.
Brakelatabasaasta: You're X, and your ship is Y.
S.S.Botany.Bay: Oh, well, my ship is the Botany Bay. Got the nice ol' steam ship prefix on her.
S.S.Botany.Bay: But a'course she runs on steam, haha.
Brakelatabasaasta: Really? So if Y=Botany Bay, what is X?
Brakelatabasaasta: Solve for X.
S.S.Botany.Bay: Oh. Well then X would be Rhoads. Robbie Rhoads.
Brakelatabasaasta: So. Now we have X, and we have Y. And with that, we can find the hypotenuse of the profit margins!
S.S.Botany.Bay: I hope we're all at right angles here. Hehe.
Brakelatabasaasta: Well, only one way to find out...
Brakelatabasaasta: No. Wait. That's wrong. There are THREE ways to find out.
Brakelatabasaasta: But one fell down the drain, and I can't hire a plumber.
Brakelatabasaasta: And the other requires me to be not-so-stealthy. Like I am now.
S.S.Botany.Bay: Heh luckily they don't make us do much maths flying ships.
Brakelatabasaasta: Math? I'm just trying to figure out how to make breakfast!
With the pieces in place, I knew I could make something happen here! The stars were alligned! All I had to do was figure out the question to the answer of today's Daily Double, and then I would be sure to earn the Leprechauns' respect! So we had to backtrack a bit, back to when science was first invented. I had to pick up and many sciences as I could and shove them in my pockets, then come back to the now-time and apply them to my bunyons!
S.S.Botany.Bay: Well, this thing couldn't do right angles if its rusted ol' hull depended on it.
Brakelatabasaasta: But now the real question is: What causes the rust? Is it these supposed "right angles"?
Brakelatabasaasta: Or is it ghosts?
Brakelatabasaasta: I'm leaning toward ghosts.
S.S.Botany.Bay: You might be onto something...
Brakelatabasaasta: Or perhaps, INto something.
Brakelatabasaasta: Much like a spirit possessing a person, place or thing.
Brakelatabasaasta: They can only do it for nouns and adverbs.
S.S.Botany.Bay: No adjectives huh?
Brakelatabasaasta: NEVER adjectives.
Brakelatabasaasta: So which is Botany Bay? A noun or an adverb?
S.S.Botany.Bay: Well, I think it's a noun.
Brakelatabasaasta: A-ha! Then we're on to something here.
S.S.Botany.Bay: Used to be an area on the ol' blue dot we all came from.
Brakelatabasaasta: And which area was that?
S.S.Botany.Bay: Well, I don't remember too well. I think I was taught I was from a place they called "the land down under".
Brakelatabasaasta: So. That means the ghosts have taken your nounship in an attempt to return it to this "Underworld" you speak of.
S.S.Botany.Bay: Hahaha perhaps.
Brakelatabasaasta: And in doing so, they rub themselve along your hull, creating the rust.
S.S.Botany.Bay: You're a cheeky one.
Brakelatabasaasta: Which, in turn, alerts the Samurai-types to your uncleanliness, and they come down on you with soap.
Brakelatabasaasta: Deadly soap.
S.S.Botany.Bay: I think you've figured it out.
Brakelatabasaasta: So there's your problem! To stop the silly Kusarimen, hire an exorcist!
S.S.Botany.Bay: I think you should write a paper on it.
Brakelatabasaasta:I already did. Tomorrow.
Problem solved, Botanyman saved, Leprechauns impressed.
With pride in my heart and holes in my shoes, I landed on Manhattan and went to my dumpster-home. There, I successfully cooked about five dozen omelettes and made a three-piece suit out of them. I'll wear it on special occasions, along with my big foam cowboy hat and mustache-nose-glasses.
It was a good day.
Brakelatabasaasta Message Dump - Zukeenee - 01-09-2011
Comm ID: Brakelatabasaasta
Transmit to: ALL
I-
I don't know.
I'm shaking. Trembling and shaking.
I'm afraid, people. I'm afraid for all of us. Those of you who have decided to tune in for the is broadcast, please, find a seat. Sit down, have a cup of hot mud, and relax. You're not going to like what you hear.
Folks, I've known about this for a long time. A long time, folks, I've seen this coming. If you look far enough back in this "dump" of "messages" that I keep as my personal journal, you'll see it plain as day. I knew that one day we'd have to face our worst fears head on and confront our greatest enemies. People said, "Oh, that Brakel-man, he's just CRAAAZY. He don't mean what he says." And you know what? They're right. Most of the time, they're probably right. Nothing that I say matters anymore. There are no words that I could possibly speak that hold more weight than these:
The Tree-People are here.
People, people, please, remain calm. We cannot allow the Tree-People of Omi-Sig-Mega-Tau-Eleventy-Eight to gain the upper hand here just because we cannot find it in ourselves to remain civil.
Now, after the initial panic, I imagine many of you will turn immediately to doubt. "Surely it's a lie!", you'll think. "Our defenses are impenetrable! The Tree-People of Omi-Sig-Mega-Tau-Eleventy-Eight would never make it to our front door in one piece!" Well, I though so, too. But I have FIRST-HAND proof that the Tree-People have made their way as far as Manhattan. And yet, you'll have to bear with me as I relay my story. I cannot provide photographic evidence, nor can I provide an official "log" of the exact events that took place tonight. Undoubtedly, the Tree-Person I met disabled my recording devices before I could even think to turn them on. Listen well, friends.
It began as any other night. Actually, it began with a Xeenuh-m'n. There was a Navyguy looking for him, and the Xeenuh-m'n gave his position as the Colorado Color-hole. However, I was sitting right next to the Xeenuh-m'n in Purpleland, the big cloud at the "south" end of the system. Despite my efforts to aid in confusing the Xeenuh-m'n's pursuer, the Xeenuh-m'n ordered me to leave him, and threatened to hurt me and Bert.
So we left. We left for Manhattan.
Upon arriving at Manhattan, I saw another ship. A normal-looking ship, with a pilot that called itself "Williow". I thought nothing odd about the ship or its pilot at the time. "Williow" offered me a peach, and I accpeted it. Eventually, another pilot came to the scene, this one called Tess. "Willow" began to speak of its "fruits", which it apparently "makes". And still, I was blind to this pilot's strangeness. When Tess and myself questioned "Willow" further, it explained to us just what it was. It explained in great detail just how its body was formed, leaves, flesh and all. It described itself as some crazy "science experiment." Clearly a lie, but to my shame, I bought it.
There it was: A Tree-Person of Omi-Sig-Mega-Tau-Eleventy-Eight, displaying itself directly in front of me, and I did nothing. I was oblivious. Tess and I even went on to describe our bodies in great detail, just as "Willow" had done for us. I told this newcomer everything about my physical self, from my Ground-Slappers right up to my Fishnoodle! I gave the enemy a perfect image of our species-type without even thinking.
Later, after Tess had left, I was alone with this "Willow." It asked me to come to its "garden" some time, to "Frolic in the trees" or some such nonsense. I asked about the garden, and as it descibed to me its home, it finally hit me: Oh my Fish. These are the Tree-People. AS IF IT HADN'T GIVEN ME ENOUGH HINTS ALREADY. With my words, and with Bert's fearsomeness, we were able to drive off this "Willow" for now. But this isn't the end, folks. We've only just begun.
Clearly, the Tree-People of Omi-Sig-Mega-Tau-Eleventy-Eight (from here on referred to as "Treeple") seem to possess some form of Psionic power. This Treeperson was able to scramble my thoughts so badly that I was unable to realize just what I was dealing with, even after the Treeperson exposed itself to me. And what I fear most right now... that "peach". I realize that I have never even seen a peach before. How do I know that this fruit it gave was actually a peach? Or even a fruit at all? It said that it produced this fruit on its own... so what dangers did I face when I ate it? What could it contain? Poison? Neuro-toxin? mind-control device? Dirty socks? I fear the worst...
People, I am sorry for my disjointed presentation here... I'm still quite shaken up from the experience, and I may not have crafted quite as interesting a read as I normally do, but this is serious business, people.
Some of you may remember the time when we found ourselves under attack by the Treeples' allies, the evil Rocks. And during that time, many brave souls came forward to defend our great Greatness... and many did not return from the battlefield. I know that in that time, we managed a narrow victory thanks to my ingenious plan. But against the Treeple? I have no plan. I have no answers. I have little hope.
Our greatest enemy has finally arrived, and we are not ready.
Fish help us all.
Brakelatabasaasta Message Dump - Zukeenee - 01-15-2011
Comm ID: Brakelatabasaasta
Transmit to: Brakelatabasaasta
Time for minor celebration, space-men! Today marks our first major victory over the Treeple of Omi-Sig-Mega-Tau Eleventy-Eight!
So I was flyin' around, lookin' to get some new pens for my pen-collection, when I heard some guy shout over the noise-box, sayin' all stuff like "You horrible tree! You shot me!" And stuff. Immediately, I forgot all about my pen-collection and swung into action! I searched high and low for the Tree-person, and near and far... and I found it in front of the "Bush" place! Coincidence? I think maybe.
We had a long back and forth discussion, where the Tree-person was all talking about things like "I'm gonna spread my seeds" and "Blah blah blah I eat babies n' stuff" and I stood there yelling "EEEEVIL" and "DEEEAAATH" at the Tree-person.
It talked about its "Garden" again, and said that it wasn't actually in Omi-Sig-Mega-Tau Eleventy Eight. Apparently, its home-garden-thing can move. This makes the Treeple a much greater threat! Imagine if they moved their garden to the New Yorky place and started throwing their plant-stuff everywhere? Oh, the Who-man-ity!
After much more yelling on my part, and threats of cuddling on the Tree-person's part, the Tree-person got into a whoosh-ring and left toward the planet! Fearing the worst, I took off after it, thinking it would spread its EVIL SPORES to the ground-side and mercilessly slaughter everyone on the Man-Hat! "EEEEVIL TREE-PERSON!" I said, "I've got my eye on you!" But then the Tree-person went all like "I like it when you look at me" and things got kinda creep-a-creep-a. So I stopped looking at it! But I still followed...
At the planet, we took another whoosh-ring, and then another, and then we flew into one of those shiny-metal-magic claws and ended up in a New Space! I was afraid that the Tree-person had somehow used its EEEVIL POWERS of dimensional-gates and teleported us both to the Omi-Sig-Mega-Tau Eleventy-Eight system, but my fears were soon... made not feary. I soon recognized the Space-Place as the Penns-- Pennzoi-- Pennahennasee... Um, the Pen-System. Which has lots of Pens. But I had no time to think of my collection here!
I followed the Tree-person through two more whoosh-rings, and we came to a stationplace called "Beth." The Tree-person docked with the station and came out a few seconds later, and gave me some stuff. It was all like, "Take this and eat it, for this is my body" or something, so I went all "FISH NO" and threw the stuff from Bert's belly as hard as I could! Then I used my green-makers to make it green by going all-a "pewpewpew."
So then the Tree-person went all "OW that hurt," but it wanted to give me more of the stuff! They were like, smelly leave or something. I dunno. But destroying them clearly hurt the Tree-person, so I was all for it! Except that when the Tree-person gave me more of the leafy-thingies, it told me that destroying them with space-lasers just made the seeds spread faster! It told me that in order to destroy it properly, I'd have to burn it! So I was like, "Fish yeah, then, gimme all of that stuff, so I can take it back to my dumpster home to burn and DESTROY YOU!" Well, I mean, destroy a part of it. Like I told the Tree-person, I'm not so daft to believe that destroying these small parts of the Treeple had any major effect on the whole. But hey! It's a start!
So here I am, back at my dumpster home, ready to dump all these smelly leaves in a bi and light it all on fire! And the Tree-person gave really good advice, too, like "make sure to breathe in the smoke" and "Remember to take deep breaths while burning that stuff" and things like that. So I will. I'll breathe in my victory with great victoriousness! That'll teach those Treeple. They CAN'T control me!
But for every major victory, there must be a loss. I'm sad to say that we lost yet another unsuspecting civilian-guy to the EVIL Treeple. He was called Duane, and his final moments before total Tree-person mind-control were documented on the System-Comms-Thing. You fought well, soldier-Duane. May you find peace and rainbows in the next reality.
And now it's time to get off and burn this stuff! See ya later... um... who am I transmitting to? Oh right. See ya later, then, "Brakelatabasaasta!" And keep an eye out for the EVIL Treeple!
Brakelatabasaasta Message Dump - Zukeenee - 01-17-2011
Comm ID: Brakelatabasaasta
Transmit to: Uhh... Brakelatabasaasta
Fish, man. That stuff's still burning. I mean, there's a lot of. There's a lot... of that stuff. A lot of it.
Huhhhh... Hm. Do I look-- do I look, like, dizzy to you? Because, I mean, I feel dizzy. I feel-- are you? Are you feeling dizzy? No? Yeah, me neither. I dunno. Have you ever, like, just looked up at the cieling and realized how short you are? I mean, it's like, here's you, on the floor, lookin' up at the cieling, and...
Um.
Yeah.
So I've been thinking, you know, about this whole Tree-people thing, and I've realized it. I've realized what it is. I got the solution-- I, like, it's so simple! I know that, we know that, the Tree-people are made of... uh, trees. Trees... and, leaves. So what are some trees? They're... um, some trees are rubber?
Fish man, I lost it. I had it, but then it... you know, like "Pffffffffft."
So I'm gonna lie down a bit, and... uh, no. I'm actually gonna get-- are you hungry? Because I'm like really hungry all of a sudden, and I'm gonna go get some...
Um.
...
Uhh...
Food.
Yeah. Until next time...