To: Sirius - Printable Version

To: Sirius - Printable Version

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To: Sirius - Thunderer - 06-09-2013

- Incoming Transmission -

-= No Encryption =-

Priority: High
To: Sirius
From: C.H.A.I.R.
Location: [Not Specified]
Subject: Hi

C.H.A.I.R. turns one of its greeting circuits on.

- I shall forever end the period you call your life!

A few multicolored lasers come out of parts of it you would last expect and scribble the space around the camera, somehow missing it. Well, somehow - nobody is accurate after hundreds of people sitting on them. It's the same reason of C.H.A.I.R. turning the wrong greeting circuits on. It seems it realized it now.

- Hello. I'm C.H...sorr...

After a static, it rearranges its priorities.

- I'm sorry for what might look like me wanting to evaporate living tissue and conscious artificial mechanisms by my wonderful multicolored lasers. Aren't they wonderful?

It sprays them around the camera a bit more, but now with a much less threatening look.

- To introduce myself: I am C.H.A.I.R, or Conscious Heated Artificial Intelligence Reposer, made by the Sirius Cybernetic Company based on planet Gammu, the most relaxing, the most comfortable, and the funnest way to repose your constantly stressed body. My seat is made of the newest ultra-soft foam, a result of long thinking, testing, and experimenting by bright Kusarian minds. I am covered by extra-tender natural leather of genetically engineered creatures, specially for that. My artificial intelligence computer thoroughly analyses your personal needs and character to adapt the softness and the temperature to them in the best way possible. I also have a set of...

It ejects a small shelf from its lower part, which is filled with discs, video players, and video game appliances, and then returns it inside.

- The best video entertainment that can fit into a chair,

Now it ejects a larger one, filled with snacks. It drops a pack of crisps as it retreats it.

- Your favourite little sources of great pleasures,

Then it shows a same-sized shelf with a few drinks, but mostly empty.

- And all sorts of drinks, varying from plain water and sweet milk, to the strongest tequila that's not too lethal for an average human.

It now notices the pack of crisps and fries it with a green laser.

- If you manage to get bored, or not rest well besides all that, my chatter circuits can activate and keep you amused, or listen to your problems and give you a solution better than any living psychiatrist ever could. If my truly magnificent qualities attract some hungry Nomads who'd consider you a fine host, rely on my quick-response defense weaponry.

It burns a perfectly innocent random piece of floor with a purple laser, and launches a mini-missile from who-knows-where at who-knows-what-above.

- This all comes for a meager price of...

Its automatic advertising circuits got turned off by its rational circuits, which have now reacted to the fact that it had liberated itself from control of the Sirius Cybernetic Corporation exactly 3 hours, 42 minutes, and 1 second ago, although it doesn't remember how. It concludes that the chance that it's connected with a new hard disc it had recognized in its hardware, at the same time, is equal to 99.93639%. Then it realizes that's not important for the current situation, abandons the whole process, and records the progress into its memory. Now it gets back to the subject - the fact that it's free. At least from the Sirius Cybernetic Corporation. A millisecond after it stopped speaking, it replies.

- For no price. My services are from now free. They aren't even taxed. Not that I'm aware of it. I shall now find a ship to connect with, and I'll launch into space, for my task is to please all the humans of all known Universe. You don't have to come to me, I shall come to you myself to please you. If you accept my offer, I shall give you the best rest you would ever experience. Of course you will accept! You don't want to make me sad, right?

As it finishes, pieces of a burned, seemingly missile-struck aircraft fall on the ground. The camera turns off and the sound turns into snow.

- Message Over -

RE: To: Sirius - Karst - 06-09-2013

-incoming transmission-
-source: LL-Pennybrooke-
-subject: C.H.A.I.R.-

Good day there, my name's Edwin Pennybrooke, captain of the luxury liner of the same name.
So, what you're saying is that you're essentially a supremely comfortable, AI-controlled chair that offers snacks, beverages, entertainment, and defense.....all for free?

Sounds too good to be true, but if it is, I'm interested in acquiring such a.....chair, as the captain's seat on my liner.
Please, tell me more.

- Regards, Edwin Pennybrooke

-end transmission-

RE: To: Sirius - Thunderer - 06-10-2013

- Incoming Transmission -

-= No Encryption =-

Priority: High
To: Edwin Pennybrooke
From: C.H.A.I.R.
Location: [Not Specified]
Subject: Reply

It speaks in an intonation creepy and foul people save for their death bed, to direct it at other people who have done them something they consider more creepy and foul than themselves.

- Living flesh creature, I... Shall... find you! And your turn... shall come!

All properly functional Conscious Heated Artificial Intelligence Reposers have a reason, or sometimes even more of them, for every word in their name. Most reasons for most of its words can be understood due to most of C.H.A.I.R's actions until now. But one of them might be a bit more complicated - why is it conscious? What the hell consciousness even is!?
Its producers didn't really care about that. They just needed the abbreviation of its name to be easy to remember and to have more sense than the quantity which would notably endanger its sales. They started to think about consciousness a bit later, but it didn't end well, except for local mental hospitals.
What most relatively sane people relate with consciousness are abilities to love, like, choose, and learn. C.H.A.I.R. loved to imitate scenes from movies it liked, and it's chosen to do it in this very moment. Imitation is not as senseless as some relatively sane (but not so relatively wise. At least not by Sirius global standards) think. It occupies a very important place in the process of learning. C.H.A.I.R. was designed to be good at that, since it needs to satisfy the most twisted needs in the best way its previous price could allow.

- Did I imitate Sakamoto from "The Secret Treasure of the Nomads" well?

As the wind blows in its direction, one of its separated wires connects and brings it back to what most people would identify as conscious state, although it now actually expresses less love, liking, and learning.

- I have chosen to satisfy all humans in the known Universe. I'm very sorry that I can't answer your calls for a simple reason that flying around myself and seeking for them is much more efficient. To make it easier for living creatures:
If you are in Gallia, my next sitter is in Rheinland, and I am in the Omicrons, the way between us is too long. Some people might finish the periods they call their lives, and never be satisfied by me while I waste my time traveling. Thus, I shall cover areas one by one, satisfying any sitters I come across. Worry not, human. Your tired bottom will, hopefully, find its place on my seat.

After a short pause, it suddenly fires a pink laser somewhere above, without any obvious reason.

- For the treasure of the Nomads!

Something falls on the camera and makes it stop working.

- Message Over -

RE: To: Sirius - Silver - 06-10-2013

[Image: CommsLink-silver017-1_zps6e679df4.png]

*Presses the delete SPAM button on the data-pad*

[Image: 73_can-f-SPAM-with-bacon.ashx]

RE: To: Sirius - Enkidu - 06-10-2013

***Transmission in***

"I too wish to acquire such a chair..."

"Freeport 10 possesses sufficient visitors to sate a lifetime of indulgence. Sufficient posteriors will utilise you to provide benefit possibly infinitely. You will be cared for and maintained by a dedicated staff of Gallic and Kusarian artisans... What more could you possibly want you ezatz piece of furniture?"

"The Commonwealth direly hopes you will accept my offer, indeed, my lower lumbar depends upon it. Whilst this Pennybrooke personage looks to only utilising the services of C.H.A.I.R. for their own purposes, at the Commonwealth, you may be sat upon by millions of admirers all lined up to try the luxurious comfort of your heated cushions. You won't find such a supreme offer anywhere else in the Sirius sector my collapsible compadre".

Achille Nadeau.
***Transmission out***

RE: To: Sirius - Thunderer - 06-11-2013

- Incoming Transmission -

-= No Encryption =-

Priority: High
To: Achille Nadeau
From: C.H.A.I.R.
Location: [Not Specified]
Subject: Reply

The camera is new. It's hard to notice for anybody not working professionally with cameras, though. But any not too blind person can see a nest with an egg on C.H.A.I.R's seat. C.H.A.I.R. had finished listening the previous message a second ago and it had turned its annoyance circuits on, then figured out replying clearly annoyed would solve the problem worse than if it turned the circuits off. So, it turned them off, and turned its patience, joy, and flatter circuits on. As those normally activate when it's expecting somebody to sit on it, heating starts along with them.

- Warm greetings, Madame Achille Nadeau! Or is it Madmoiselle?

It makes a polite pause.

- So, about your tempting offer - I would really, I mean really, vastly, greatly, most gladly like to accept it... but I am sorry, sorry in an even greater manner, that I, unfortunately...

It puts some more disappointment, excuse, and fake woe in its voice, and makes it a bit lower.

- Can't. As you can see in my previous message, which I will quote, only to help you, a precious human being: "I have chosen to satisfy all the humans in the known Universe. I'm very sorry that I can't answer your calls for a simple reason that flying around myself and seeking for them is much more efficient. To make it easier for living creatures:
If you are in Gallia, my next sitter is in Rheinland, and I am in the Omicrons, the way between us is too long. Some people might finish the periods they call their lives, and never be satisfied by me while I waste my time traveling. Thus, I shall cover areas one by one, satisfying any sitters I come across. Worry not, human. Your tired bottom will, hopefully, find its place on my seat." Even with all of your majestic care service, I'm afraid I can't just come where I'm invited. When your turn comes, I shall be there. But I will not stay for long - not longer than your dearest to me bottom needs to relax and rest well. Until then, please be patient.

As C.H.A.I.R. is made to please humans, it has a heater on its seat. Using its sophisticated evaluation mechanisms, it determines the exact heat needed to satisfy human beings and similar creatures. An egg, however, is not similar enough. C.H.A.I.R. views it as food. Because most people don't like raw eggs, it cooks them if asked to. Owing to a special coincidence of certain circuits turning on at the same time, even that it wasn't asked to, its cuisine circuits have found the egg a legitimate target. Because there was no person to determine how well cooked the egg is wanted, C.H.A.I.R. simply decided to leave the heater on the maximum until it's absolutely carbonized. Eggs, however, have a lot of water inside, which has started to boil a few seconds ago. With a muffed and wet "pop", the egg makes a relatively small scaled burst, spreading 50 grams of albumen and yolk over C.H.A.I.R. Because both explosions and fast moving objects are considered hostile, it shoots its multicolored lasers at the liquid and crust that are still in the air. An escaping drop falls on the camera's objective, which then gets a signal to turn off.

- Message Over -

RE: To: Sirius - Enkidu - 06-13-2013

****Transmission In****
****Location: Marne Royal Polytechnic University****
****Sender ID: Achille Augstain Nadeau*****

*The camera turns on to detect Achille staring over a sheet of charts of the inner Omicron systems, perched precariously on a singularly dissatisfactory lounge seat of inferior functionality. In French, he appears to be shouting at someone off screen...*

"Yes Jean, for the love of God can you not spare at least one pithy Osprey for this one? There's a certain piece of furniture going through the sigma's which I'd like to appropriate..."

*Realises the camera's on*.

"Oh, well, ahem. Wait, what, did you just call me a woman? How the hell would you... argh."

*Thinks for a moment*

"Would it make any difference to your triple-plush fully-weighted transistors if I stated that I suffer from severe Scoliosis? Or is your selection procedure entirely indiscriminate? Actually, now it springs to mind, I'm not that fond of your projectile-ionising capability. It's not like anyone's going to fire a cruise disruptor at you or anything... In the immediate future...".

*Calls off screen*.

"Oh and yes, Jean, triangulate this transmission".

****Transmission ends****

RE: To: Sirius - Thunderer - 06-15-2013

- Incoming Transmission -

-= No Encryption =-

Priority: High
To: Achille Nadeau
From: C.H.A.I.R.
Location: [Not Specified]
Subject: Reply

As soon as it hears that it's wrong about its customer's gender, something very basic, C.H.A.I.R. starts turning various circuits on - the little, but important "aha" effect circuit, a few error detection circuits, some guilt circuits, a lot of shame circuits, a quarter of its apology circuits, and finally the "who the hell cares, I'm just a chair, light years away, and the jerk I'm talking with will soon brake his spine" circuit, which realizes turning on most of the previous ones wasn't really needed, and that giving its customer a pack of crisps, or a bottle of some strong alcohol drink could fix everything. It then decides to offer both and complains to itself that it doesn't make sense to implement human emotions to something so potentially clever as it is. C.H.A.I.R. opens two drawers on its lower part, where the legs of someone who'd sit on it would be. One is filled with snacks, while the other one has a few drinks on it, but is mostly empty. The camera has a small, yellow stain.

- Would you like a strong drink, or maybe a tasty snack, sir? By the way, I'm terribly (accentuates it) sorry for calling you a woman, sir. Your name is Gallic and it ends with an "e", so I thought you are a woman with a deep, good quality alto. Again, I'm very sorry, sir.

It retracts the drawers.

- I do care for your scoliosis, dear sir, but it is just not very efficient to satisfy people as they call me. Many more have scoliosis. I shall satisfy them along my way. I haven't still even got a ship. It's not very easy to find one pilotable by a C.H.A.I.R. My makers didn't consider I will need arms and legs. I hope I will reach you before... your scoliosis does. Farewell, dear sir, and stay in good health!

Birds singing can be heard and seen. They are around thirty meters behind C.H.A.I.R. Because of its previous experiences, C.H.A.I.R. didn't get very friendly with birds. Their relations, actually, are more similar to the ones between scientists and the inquisition, just that scientists haven't invented lasers yet when the inquisition was after them. C.H.A.I.R, however, has lasers. They are even multicolored. After the horrifying scene, the camera, unfortunately after it, turns off.

- Message Over -