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+---- Thread: [Ask] My Characters - Shooter (/showthread.php?tid=147121)
[Ask] My Characters - Shooter - TheShooter36 - 01-16-2017
I am renovating this page as it got pretty old. Meanwhile I yoink the idea Shinju brought as well.
Active Characters:
Michael Richard Atreides:
Crayter-born Michael Richard was a Commodore, then Admiral and finally Fleet Admiral of Crayter. Michael became a symbol of Crayter for a time and was a war hero, until his ideals and Crayter's methods conflicted. Charged with highest order of treason, Michael's punishment was being a servant to darker facets of Crayter.
Brainwashed by Crayter Intelligence, he served as an asset without identity, codenamed Agent Omega. He broke the brainwashing over time, his brief defection to IMG after Aland Crisis did not end well. Only due to the adoption into Atreides family, he was not charged with treason once more.
Rasim Naramov (//bio soon):
Rasim is one of the "sleepership generation" within Crayter. Born just before the First Exodus, he sees both Omegas and Taus as his home. For him, Crayter sector is a fairy tale he could not catch. Grown among fellow "Colonials" and Guildsmen, he sees the sour relations between the Republic and Guild as a petty squabble. As a man that only knew hardship and hatred against Outcasts, he believes the Republic and Guild is one united community in essence.
Steve Longstar:
Born among Junkers, Steve raised in the verge of poverty. When he found out about existence of The Order, he took his chance and made it to Omicrons. Years later, he joined the "Hellhound" Reaction Unit, also known as O'Rhu, used Thabit Station as a base of operations until the unit's disbandment. With Thabit's fell to disrepair, he has become part of Secondary Fleet once more, until Legacy of Orillion cell became active. He was promoted to Major and then Colonel, eventually given the command of Bretonia operations. After the cell fell into a state inactivity, Longstar once again started to carry the O'Rhu banner, although this time in more symbolic means.
Rose-Marie Dumont:
Hailing from a decorated military family, she dedicated her entire life in service of crown and the Royal Navy. Rose-Marie mostly served aboard capital ships of Royal Navy and fought side by side with prestigious captains in Leeds and New London. With the King's exile and Enclave's formation, she was promoted to the rank of Contre-Amiral within Enclave Defense Authority.
Sean Dumont:
Brother of Rose-Marie, unlike his sister he has found his purpose within fightercraft and did sorties in the name of Royal Navy. However when the order of glassing of Leeds was given, he found out he was more merciful than his sister and eventually found himself in Marine Nationale.
RE: Shooter's Feedback Thread - TheShooter36 - 09-08-2017
Bump, char links will be put tomorrow and i really appreciate some general feedback here, seriously, too quiet.
RE: Shooter's Feedback Thread - TheShooter36 - 09-11-2017
Character links has been added for Michael Richard
RE: Shooter's Feedback Thread - Panzer - 09-11-2017
Quote:[19:27:31] Shooty: https://discoverygc.com/forums/showthread.php?tid=147121&pid=1926697#pid1926697
[19:27:38] Shooty: awaiting some srs feedback here
[19:27:45] Shooty: muh ARRPEEE feedback
[19:27:49] Panzer: really?
[19:27:56] Panzer: dude.
[19:27:59] Felipe Scheuermann:
[19:28:06] Felipe Scheuermann: Shooter got infected
[19:28:08] Panzer: you're linking your personal feedback thread
[19:28:11] Felipe Scheuermann: Hans?
[19:28:11] Panzer: where I can see it
[19:28:13] Panzer: today.
[19:28:16] Panzer: of all days.
[19:28:22] Felipe Scheuermann: Zhe flammenwerfer
[19:28:26] Felipe Scheuermann: nach schnell
[19:28:28] Panzer: welp, you asked for it.
Kebab'd
![[Image: hZGXtfk.jpg]](http://i.imgur.com/hZGXtfk.jpg)
RE: Shooter's Feedback Thread - E X O D I T E - 09-11-2017
7/10 needs more hot chicks who would totally sleep with me.
Otherwise, your stuff is good, I particularly enjoyed the shenanigans with the Lane Hackers.
RE: Shooter's Feedback Thread - TheShooter36 - 09-11-2017
i have only one female char that is being secretary of Fleet Admiral
RE: Shooter's Feedback Thread - Lanakov - 09-11-2017
I'm sorry if this is a bit harsh, but I feel criticism is the only way to improve. That's what feedback is for ! So please don't be mad at me
I think your grammar and punctuation need A LOT of work. Sometimes you deliver these giant walls of texts with hardly a comma to give the reader time to breathe. Or sometimes you limit your text to tiny sentences linked by full stops that don't really need to be there. Understanding you is more complicated than it should be, sometimes even verbs are missing.
I know the core of RP is to make up a story, interesting characters, interactions and whatnot. That's the essence, the fun part. But bad syntax really takes a lot away from the pleasure of reading, and on the level sometimes exhibited by your posts, I'd say it even becomes confusing and hard to follow sometimes.
I won't criticise for the sake of it however, so I'll give you a piece of advice I was taught a long time ago, in khâgne (French undergrad course focused on humanities, a tough school but a very rewarding one) : whether you're trying to write a complex, multithreaded essay or a simple story about yourself, there is one rule, three words : precise, concise, well-built. To go deeper : you must strive to make your writing crisp, communicative, and well structured, with ideas behind each part of your text. Ideally, I should be able to pick apart any of your sentences, and you should be able to explain to me why it's there and what purpose it accomplishes. In writing, more often than not, I've found that less is more. A traditional mistake that writers, old and new, make, is try their hand at sophisticated, elaborate sentence structures when they know little of style, rhythm, pacing, or syntax. Trying to look cool or smooth usually gets you a very inelegant and hard to read prose. Anyone who wishes to git gud at writing needs to start thus : simple, efficient, coherent and easy to read. Those should be your pillars, upon which all your stories rest.
Finally, an example I picked from one of your stories.
"Michael Richard, finally took a short break from most of the military matters as conflicts driven smaller-sized. managed to visit the estate christened to his name for his deeds, rising from the grounds of New Corinth. He had a hovercar readied for him at the parking slots of the estate. "
Why is there a comma after "Michael Richard" ? Why do you need to pause there ?
"As conflicts driven small-sized" ? I think I get the gist of it, but that sentence goes nowhere. Either your tense is wrong, or there's something missing.
"managed to visit the estate" : there is no subject, no capital M. Is this the beginning of your sentence ? Who is it talking about ?
Estate : twice in two lines. Surely that word has a ***** ton of synonyms you could pick to add richness and variety to your sentence.
A mere example, but those, I think, are the vectors you need to work on if you are serious about getting to the next step on your RP. I'd also recommend a "show, don't tell" approach to your writing. Your first paragraph about Richard is very heavy to read, as well : "He did this. He did that. He had to do this. He went to see this and that". There's not much meat on the bones here, just a list of things happening to your character. Make it livelier ! Connect those goddamn sentences. However ! Following that ! Additionally ! Despite ! There are so many ways to connect the dots. Otherwise, your story looks like a shopping list, with your character's actions and thoughts as items on said list. That is very unexciting to read.
I have taken the liberty of editing a passage from that same story to give you the full idea of what I advise you to work on. This is what you wrote :
"He made a medallion of sorts out of the Battle of Tau-44 medal he had insistedly given by the other members of Admirality even if he did not want it at first place. He considered his scars from a direct Secondary Battery fire to the bridge of Phobos was enough for him."
This is what I'd write - not perfect (no such thing), but in my opinion, easier to go through, simpler and without losing the meaning I think you meant to convey.
"He had crafted a medallion of sorts out of the medal he had begrudgingly received from the Admiralty board, following the battle of Tau-44. The scars he got from that scrap while on the bridge of the Phobos were souvenir enough".
There - I hope it helps you a little. Please don't feel discouraged or whatnot. These are humble tips from one amateur writer to another
RE: Shooter's Feedback Thread - thisDerius - 09-11-2017
DO BG RP FOOL!!!
RE: Shooter's Feedback Thread - TheShooter36 - 09-11-2017
@Lanakov, thank you for pointing out mistakes and giving advices, that was what type of feedback i was looking as one mostly. Very appreciated.
@thisDerius yes i will do it dont worry
RE: Shooter's Feedback Thread - TheShooter36 - 01-24-2018
bumperino