The Captain and the Wizard - Printable Version

Captain Pierre Lecock

Born on planet New Berlin, 801 A.S. under the name of Rudolf Dummkraut. His mother claimed he was conceived by a Rheinland Officer who had been infected by aliens and that during the intercourse she was “sexually violated by the alien tentacles”. Because of the story, she believed her son was destined for great deeds and would be a born wizard of incredible power. His mother firmly believing in this, young Rudolf was not attending school until the age of 8. When threatened to be deprived of parental rights by the authorities, Rudolf’s mother escaped Rheinland to live with the zoners on Freeport 5. Not having the means to exist, Rudolf’s mother engaged in underground prostitution where young Rudolf would learn a lot about how people interact. Rudolf still did not attend school but managed to learn to pilot a bit from her mother’s “clients” who taught him a bit to fly on simulators.

In 814 A.S. Rudolf’s mom moved to planet Sprague with her new boyfriend who worked there at excavations. There Rudolf would find his talent as a wizard - he started hearing voices in his head which were teaching him a lot of forbidden knowledge - from how to perform well in a homosexual relationship to why clowns are evil and the Queen of Bretonia, in reality, was a giant hamster dressed as a human. His talents were greatly amplified by the locally excavated pyramids of unknown origin. There young Rudolf with the approval of his mother created an arcane magi society that would work to advance the magical abilities of the members and to undercover the evil plot of hamsters working to undermine the influence of humanity in Sirius and to enslave them subsequently. The many secret meetings and rituals would usually involve orgies at the pyramids while wearing one sock and tinfoil hats to strengthen the connection to the universe’s arcane strings of power.

This continued until 817 and the beginning of the war with Gallia. Rudolf and his arcane order members moved to Leeds to assist the Gauls in toppling the evil Bretonian hamster regime. Rudolf firmly believed that Bretonian soldiers in reality were evil hamsters wearing human exoskeletons and so he was greatly impressed at how effectively the Gauls were exterminating the Bretonians. He also wanted to become an exterminator of the Bretonians and thus he called his squad of loyal followers “X-Hamster”, meaning “Exterminators of Hamsters”. He believed women should not be distracting his followers from the Arcane Order, so all members were loyal gay in a polyamorous relationship with each other to strengthen the bonds of fraternity. Having worked with the Gauls, Rudolf became so impressed with the Royal Forces that he changed his name to Pierre Lecock. This is where his story of a Gaul begins.

Using his arcane powers of incredible scale, Pierre predicted the glassing of Leeds and moved to New London on a small “Clydesdale” that he expropriated from a local shop keeper who, as Pierre supposed, also was an evil hamster. He tried to assist the Gauls in finally defeating the evil hamster regime. However, during the fight, it became obvious, that Bretonian hamsters have the upper hand and thus Lecock had to retreat. Yet again his ingenuity and sorcerous powers assisted him: during the retreat his “X-Hamster” squad stumbled across a heavily damaged in the New London defence Libertonian “Atlantis” carrier. The team was hastily leaving the ship and Pierre took the opportunity to seize control of the ship by subduing and evicting the Libertonian hamster collaborators. Proudly renamed “Omelette.de.Fromage” in the beautiful Gallic language, Pierre wanted to commence the glassing of New London to impress his Gallic friends but had to retreat with the rest of the Gauls.

The future was grim for Pierre. Even his incredible powers of a wizard, amplified by a tinfoil hat and a small pyramid could not allow him to predict what would come: peace. He could not believe that the bravest of all people in Sirius, the Gauls, would back away from fighting the Bretonians. He secretly went depressed to Sprague to meditate in solitude in one of the pyramids and there he had a revelation: it was a trick! The evil Hamsters who controlled Queen of Bretonia were very cunning and subverted the Gallic Council who toppled the Kingdom of Gallia to install the evil Gallic Hamster-regime of the Confederacy. He could not fight them directly, so he decided it was time to fight them from inside. Because of this, he had an apology orgy with the local BAF officers who made them a royal privateer to protect the Crown. in reality, Lecock wanted to achieve trust from the BAF to subvert Bretonia from the inside and overthrow the Queen of Bretonia and reveal the evil hamster plot. Now, the X-hamster team became the crew of the “Omelette-de-Fromage” carrier which would still proudly bear the Gallic name in honour of the brave Gallic people who fell victims to the schemes of evil Hamsters who infected all the Confederate Gallia Leadership. Only the Enclave remained true to its mission and was now fighting against both the Breonian and Gallic hamsters.

When the Enclave finally fell in 827 A.S. due to merging with the rest of Gallia, Pierre knew - they also were subdued by the hamsters. Kusari, who attacked the Gauls must have suspected that Gallia was secretly ruled by the rodent-masters, but they failed and now probably were also controlled by the hamsters. There was no choice - he, Pierre Lecock, aboard the proud carrier “Omelette de Fromage” had himself to depart for Gallia to liberate it from the Hamsters and later all of Sirius. The “X-Hamster” squad was a crew of talented people, all wizards, all gay, and all united by brotherly love. Pierre noticed that the Maquis condemned their ex-council allies and now were fighting against the Gallic union and the Empire of Kusari. They still must be humans who knew of the secret hamster plot in Gallia. They still were on friendly terms with Bretonia, so probably they did not suspect where the evil hamster plot began. So Pierre departed to the Maquis with an important mission to tell them about the hamster plot in Bretonia and that the Maquis were the remaining heroic Gauls that were fighting the Hamster oppression. However, if the Maquis do not recognize the threat of Bretonian hamsters, then they probably are just another decoy of the evil hamsters meant to sow chaos in Sirius and pretend to be humans. Will Pierre succeed, or will the X-Hamster squad again meet the phantom menace of the evil rodents? Time will tell.

note: because never going to school, Pierre cannot read.