I can't believe I'm fucking writing this, but, since being stuck in a bloody infirmary bed is pure shite. I cannot think of anything else to add to that bucket list I was writing, and I can't read anymore of Gav's journal without getting depressed because I'm missing the person I used to be, while I'm already missing Kris right now with how bloody boring it is here. Neither my fellow patients nor the nurses or doctors have a bloody sense of humour, granted I won't pretend I'm exactly a model patient here, but still it would be nice to just have a friendly face around, especially when that face is one as cute as Kris's.

Bloody hell. And this is why I never did decide to write one of these. Seriously if anyone ever read that... Eugh, I'll just have to make sure this thing is encrypted heavily, very heavy.

Fuck it, while I'm talking about, err, writing about Kris. I'm worried damn sick about him right now. There's been a lot going on these last two weeks alone. And the worst of it was confirmed. Kris is a key. Changes nothing for me to be frank, was going to fight anyway, but I guess now he doesn't have that option. Then there is the entire mess with Levan... god, don't even know what happened there but, Levan demanding payment? That's the biggest alarm bell of them all.

I know he said he needed time alone, which I do get, but... it feels like every time one of us leave him alone, especially if it's with Raven. Trouble comes along and manages to find him rather handily. Or he does something stupid 'cause he feels some need to prove himself or just can't let anyone in to help him and in it's enough to drive me up the fucking wall!

Huh, you know what, guess I'm seeing the appeal of this, felt nice getting that off my chest. And now that I'm thinking about it, a breakout might be in order. No, okay who am I kidding, it won't even be a breakout but still, maybe, I'll have to consider it tomorrow. The longer I'm stuck here the more tempting the idea of shooting Baz is, can't believe I'm out of action when Kris might just need me the most... great job me, should have punched first, or better yet shot first, Baz wasn't pulling his punches and I could have come off a lot worse. Suppose it doesn't matter now, pretty sure that matter is settled now, I wonder how much fun he's having in the infirmary on Nobeoka right now.

Speaking of shooting someone though, these damn nurses and doctors might be next if I don't get a smoke soon. Okay, no, that's bad, shouldn't be talking like that. But seriously, I CAN'T HAVE A CUNTING SMOKE! My one good way of coping in situations like this! And it isn't even an option 'cause of this bloody cracked rib. Load of bollocks.

Ah to hell with it, might as well try and get some sleep now. Maybe I'll try and get in touch with Kris as well, make sure he's doing okay. Then seeing how that goes, I'll think about "breaking out" of here.

Fuck me sideways; I wasn't expecting to pick this back up again so soon, but well, today was a right proper bloody clusterfuck, and that's saying something considering the life I've lived.

Talked to Kris, and I was already getting dressed when I heard that he was out in 23 with Raven and that there was a lot of bloody chatter going on. Then he mentioned the Nox, and so I wound up breaking out of- okay, no, they were ready to discharge me anyway, but still, the point is. The bloody moment I heard about the Nox, my arse was out of that bed, out of that bloody clinic, and headed straight to the hangar.

I was on my way to 23 when I ran into Caliban at Freeport 10, who was quite alive, if not exactly well. Then Kris showed up, and Raven was right there fucking behind him. And, of course, Raven had to have a bloody argument with Cal. Both of those wankers were trying to use Kris in their arguments against each other, while Kris, who was already doing shit, was getting worried about some of the shit Caliban was saying regarding Harbinger. Okay, I'm a little worried too, but still, that shite pissed me off.

Anyway turns out Kris's clinic is that Outpost in Pi, that the fucking Gammu AI and the Technocracy have a right to stick up their shared arse about. More on that comes later, but after leaving 37 we swung by Delta.

Which naturally meant a pit stop on fucking Freeport 11, Jason's second home, the way he goes on about this bloody kip. Delta blew up in a massive shit show. Core, Order, Corsairs, and Nomads, if I ever tell Jace about, he'll probably get a nostalgic fucking smile, the bloody maniac.

Anyway, after that, Hayes was around, and there was a lot of talk, nothing really notable. What was important is the fact it was around this point I noticed Kris was still carrying fucking Nox. That concerned me, and thank fuck it did.

When I talked to Kris about spacing the shit, well, yeah, it sounded like addiction was already taking hold. It was the closest we've ever come to having an actual argument, but he eventually spaced it. I was already worried when he began to run off, so I followed.

And it was a good thing I did. Because I fucking called it yesterday. Shit's getting to him. Just thinking about it is enough to bring me back to tears. Those bastards, Raven, Harbinger, Psyche, and all the rest. Do they even know what they have all robbed from him? I talked to Kris, and I think I finally hammered it through to him that he doesn't need to worry about me while I'm in all the way.

I wonder how he thinks he isn't worth helping in all this. How does he think so little of himself, for fucks sake? And then he feels ashamed about it all when he's been dealing with a weight that could crush even the hardest bastard from the Regiment. I know Oz couldn't take that weight, I doubt Ant could, and I know for a damn fact Lynchie would fold if he had that all dropped on him. Jace couldn't even hack out the entire bloody war!

And he thinks of himself as weak, ugh. That's the irritating thing; it's not that he's weak; it's that he's stubborn, prideful. Yeah, I wonder who that might sound like. Still, I told him what he told me, that he doesn't have to carry the weight alone.

Then this fucking gem of a soul. He gives me a packet of Sunbucks from his limited supply and even one for Hayes and White. Just cause they had to overhear some of it. Either way, I got him back to Secundus, and he's getting help now, thankfully. I really hope he's able to get better.

Not much in this sector terrifies me, but losing him? Honestly, it might hurt more than losing Kels and Gav. Then, when I thought Jason had abandoned me.

What worries me even more than I already am is I'm pretty sure Raven knew about the fucking Nox and what happened the other day. Yet it was just me who was fucking concerned about the Nox he still had!? What the fuck sort of circus are these idiots running?

It hurt having to get firm and strict with Kris about the Nox, but it seemed like Raven was just okay with bloody letting him keep poisoning himself! Maybe she thought it would make her and Harbinger's new key more docile and easier to control him. Not on my fucking watch. Not while I still draw breath, you cunts.

Oh, right, speaking of her, in the middle of all that, Raven decided to go into the Nomad worlds again and even dragged White along, some fucking new person or something; I don't know; she and Kris seemed to know her.

The weird part is I could have sworn she arrived at that furball in Delta with Hawkins from Section Eight. And even seemed to be on good terms with them.

Whatever, I'll have to reach out and find out what was so important to her that she found and said something about Elder, and I think she was trying to say an effective weapon. I don't know, maybe shout at her over the Nox mess; I'll confirm with Kris first that she knows about it, though. He's feeling horrible enough; I don't want to get him into trouble now to add to it, and I don't want to give those cunts more reasons to try and fuck with his head, either.

It's been four days. Four days, and already so much has happened that I can't even keep track of it all. But, the thing that gnaws at me the most?

WISP IS KIA.

Raven killed him. All because he tried to help Kris as the madness of Raven and Imogen took over.

I was such a cunt to him and then he goes and proves to just be more than a 'Bridger turned mindless drone.

RIP Wisp. I'm sorry I wasn't nicer to you, but I'm gonna' make damn sure you didn't die in vain. Cal already fragged Imogen, so that's one down and out for the count.

And to think I considered Imo' a friend once...

No time to stop and think. We're headed back into the lion's den. Gotta' make sure this doesn't go wrong otherwise Wisp died for nothing.

The hit's just keep on coming. Raven has clearly lost it, even took a shot at me. I held back for Kris's sake, but on the bright side, it seems Kris has finally realised just how far gone all this madness is.

Or maybe I'm the mad one? I realised I kind of brushed over Imogen's death kind of quickly but I also can't really bring myself to be mad at Cal or Wisp over it. Maybe I've just gotten bitter enough to the point that I'm expecting to be let down by friends. That I'm just too used to people I care about dying.

But, still, it wasn't like I was entirely close with her, and we didn't speak for years. I mean I know she said she was going on that trip and all ahead of time but I don't know anymore, still can't help feel like she wasn't around when I really could have used a friend.

Then that mess with Pysche and, maybe I should have tried pulling Imogen back from the brink but if she was willing to let them hurt Kris then maybe it was already too late, but I just don't know anymore. Maybe I'm just letting Raven's whole thing of being empty outside of Kris get to me.

I don't like the thought of that, the thought of winding up like her.

Fuck...

Maybe I'm just utterly bollocked anyway.

Must be, I'm on bloody Manhattan, I've seen more of this sector in the last six months than I have the rest of my entire life.

How did you get to this point, Becks?