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+--- Thread: Need some feedback please (/showthread.php?tid=21097)
Need some feedback please - rayne - 05-28-2009
I have re written my bio and story for my LSF character. I would like feedback on the format and layout also the stories themselves.
http://discoverygc.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=39069
Need some feedback please - Birdtalon - 05-28-2009
Really nice, well done.
Need some feedback please - rayne - 06-03-2009
not much feedback and a shameless plug
Need some feedback please - ryeguy146 - 06-03-2009
The first thing I've noticed is that the speech of other people in blue is difficult to read at best (at least with the default style sheet for the forum). I like the idea of differentiating "speakers" by text color, but the idea is difficult to pull off when people use different styles for the forum. For instance, I imagine that you use something with a black or dark background? Mine's blue.
There are no transitions between most of the stories and they seem related only because of Julia.
I see a few errors that I can point out if you wish, but other than that, it is a strong story. You seemed to want some actual feedback, so there it is. I enjoyed the story, but many of the entries seemed to have no rhyme or reason. For instance, how was your story furthered by "The Long Day" and "Surprise?"
I'll tell ya what, though, it was a lot of fun reading about an LSF agent that my Rogue has interacted with. And I really liked how you worked in "The Meeting." I hope you keep up your story, I've enjoyed your character since I first started playing here.
Need some feedback please - rayne - 06-03-2009
Thanks for the proper feedback, im editing the colours of the blue speak and yes im using the black forum style. How do you suggest i make transitions thats the only problem I have.
Need some feedback please - ryeguy146 - 06-03-2009
I'm not quite sure. It all depends on the time scale present, I suppose.
In my journals, I attempt to bring each to a bit of a closing point, or what I imagine is such. I won't hold mine up as an example because I'm not a perfect writer either; But I'll think about your situation more and see if I can't come up with a way to help you more.
For the time being, if you refer to events that occurred in previous entries, it would add a sense of continuity. As it stands, each entry feels like they, if expanded upon, could stand alone. What transitions would do is bring them closer together, make them fit like puzzle pieces. Self referencing puzzle pieces. So, that's what we're trying to think of then, for the transitions. The entries don't have to flow from one to the next, especially if the time scale that I mentioned is great, but they need something that ties them together.
For instance, you don't mention the name of the ex captain in your first post, but if you met him later in the story, that would be self referencing. Same with the officer in the second post. Perhaps meeting one/some of the survivors from the transport she saved from nomads later on in the story. Post number six, I really like that one. Revisit it. Dig up more information on the guy you inserted the tracking device in, explore is possible criminal connections. Maybe kidnap a family or two? Heh, that might be too Roguish for ya. Anyway, that's the idea. If I can come up with something better, I'll let ya know.
The new color scheme is perfect.
Being as this is the only feedback you've really had, I hope you don't take it too seriously. I did enjoy the story as it is quite a lot, and the suggestions that I have are very "nitpicking," if you take my meaning. Other members may disagree with me completely and say that it's perfect as is; Birdtalon for instance. What I'm saying, is take my suggestions with a grain of salt. I like my writing, but I like yours too, and I'm not the end all source of information on the English language.
Speaking of feedback... Insert shameless plug here for my characers' stories. They can be reached through my signature. Mostly Johannes; Dervin isn't nearly as fleshed out. Heh, with that out of the way, I say good day!
Need some feedback please - JMScomp - 06-04-2009
Greetings Rayne. First I'll say this is a good story, and can be a great one. Your entries have a lot of potential, they just need to be, as ryeguy146 said 'expanded upon'. Post # 3 is the perfect example. What you have is a general meeting between two officers, where basically nothing happens. If you were to have some events come of it it would be better. Post # 2 was good, but possibly could have had a few more words exchanged to add personality to the XO.
Post # 4 is very good, but the first one that has need of transition. The best way to do this, would be to explain, mention, or just hint at things that happened between entries. For instance, in post # 3 she was exploring the base and seeing sights while her ship was in for repair/calibration. So in post # 4, maybe mention how she was glad to be back in space again after being grounded, or something notable that she had seen, done, experienced, etc. How detailed you get is your choice, and it also depends on how far apart time-wise the entries are.
Post #5 is excellent, and the first sentence is the sort of transition I just explained. #6 is my favorite. Definitely a good story brewing there. As ryeguy146 suggested, you should revisit it.
I'll stop here since I'm not insulting your work, just offering constructive criticism (and I'm used to nitpicking everything). Your RP is very good, and your entries are too. As ryeguy146 said I did notice a few minor errors here and there, but they don't degrade your story any. Only those perfectionists out there would really notice.:P
Anyways, hope this helped, and if you're interested in my story you can find links in my signature. If you have any questions regarding story writing, feel free to contact me. I'm an editor for freelance writers.
Need some feedback please - Marburg - 06-04-2009
I like that the posts are short. It makes it easier to read, & it's better to have multiple short 'scenes' than a one single wall of text.
The multiple color thing is distracting though...Also, (& this may just be me & my sensibilities, but:) the description of your character should be within the story you write, not presented dossier-style up at the top.
When I read a story, I like to be immersed in the story itself, not in 'file' details.
IMHO, other than those two issues, I think you have a good idea to keep running with...don't ever try to second-guess the actual content, & just keep writing & just see what comes out of your head as you go along.
Need some feedback please - rayne - 06-04-2009
The first post was my old bio but that was many pages down on the bio page so i added it to the story and re did it all. I will do some more work on it to make it flow better. Also thanks for the feedback. also not sure how to make the meeting with the navy officer more interesting, its was added to just build up some story on what she was doing... Done a few minor edits of 2 3 and 4.
Need some feedback please - ryeguy146 - 06-04-2009
I'm not sure, but if you wanted to expand upon it (Navy officer), I could try to help. It's hard to say where you'd go with that though.
Worthwhile feedback is great. I remember in High School when the teacher would ask you to have your paper reviewed by three classmates. You'd end up with three slightly varying iterations of "good work." Worthless.
Back to the story. I didn't mind that the biography was included as the first post. It gave me a grasp on who Julia was in a simple easy to understand and short post. It would be interesting to learn about Julia in a story, but then, you'd loose the "short sweet" thing that Marburg likes. And it is certainly a good thing to have. I'm a bit long winded in my writing and almost no one is able to get through it. And I can't say that I blame them. So, you're going to have to go one or the other on that. I don't see much of a way to keep it short and simple while explaining her biography in a story.