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Love's Labour is Flossing - Xoria - 08-31-2010
Love's Labour is Flossing
A TrageComedy of Modular Development in 6 Updates and 39 Weeks of Fractious Despair
(with a Prologue and bananas thrown in as bookends.)
(with a Prologue and bananas thrown in as bookends.)
Translated from the original Gibberish into the Common Tongue of the Empire by the 3 Holy Monks of Mendacity, transcribed by 5 Ladies of the Evening, and Proofread by a Chipmunk of Uncommon Diction & Attention Span.
Performing nightly at the Rasmus Tasmus Theatre, Planet Pittsburgh, until the Bankruptcy Court finishes deliberations.
All Proceeds from the Sale, Distribution, Reproduction, or Theft of this Text are bequeathed to the Forlorn Orphans of the Imperial Occupation, 5.265000 South Fluffle Boulevard, Commune Alpha, Planet Pittsburgh.Performing nightly at the Rasmus Tasmus Theatre, Planet Pittsburgh, until the Bankruptcy Court finishes deliberations.
Disclaimer : The Author Hereby Indemnifies Himself against all claims pertaining to a Lack of Offense Taken Consequential to Perusal of this Screed, Pertinent or Importunate, Stellar or Glandular, Notwithstanding. All such claims shall remain the sole property of their respective originators, and shall be regarded henceforth as a singular distinction of obtuseness, as found in the ablative, pluperfect, and plenipotentiary forms, as set forth by Imperial, Democratic, & Administrative Decrees, respectively. Library of Congress #8675309
[critic's note : the esteemed audience may wish to apprise itself of the latest in fashionable dictionaries for the remainder of the proceedings]
Cast of Primary Characters
Lords of the Realm
Messr. God : Himself
Messr. Hammer : Lead Balancer of conflicting Oppositional Positions denoted as Polar, Antipolar, BiPolar, and Otherwise Irascible
Messr. Black : Lead Price Fixer & Boondoggler, possessing a Cold Calculator manufactured by Fractious Instruments, model # K24-ABSJ24-J25/10 Enigma
Admins : Lead Hogwashers
Developers
Mdme. Whimsy : Always Opinionated, Often Absent, Hardly Knowledgeable, Never Logical
Mdme. Bleu : Once a force to be reckoned with among the Peers of the Realm, her declamations are now consigned to irrelevance by an ever-growing tendency to be louder than rational, shriller than erudite, and notoriously self-pitying.
Messr. Blur : Imbalancer in Chief. Always goes about humming to himself the hook of a song.
Messr. Hex : A ship modeller of inordinate talent, and sometime verbal flair
Messr. Square : Involved merely due to incessant ideas of marginal mercurialness. Motto :"Why be nice when incitement is so much fun?"
Notable Citizens of the Realm
The Saint : Widely Regarded as The Most Handsome, Fair, And Judicious Dude of the Realm, born into humble circumstances, adopted into the royal family precisely for his ubiquitousness.
The Prince (of Darkness) : A surrealist interpretation of a metaphorical apocalyptic instigator, or somesuch. Everyone knows his name, almost no one knows his domain.
Messr. Jabberwocky : Itself, in all its brillig, slithy goodness, a Guest Appeareror.
Messr. Zip : A stuffed chimp nevertheless capable of speech, Messr. Black's sidekick (or his familiar, as The Nemesis claims), purely the author's artifice.
The Peanut Gallery : [should be obvious]
The Chorus of Catcalls : [should be even more obvious]
the critic (literary, postcomposition) : Lead literary criticizer, unelected, unfailingly critical, unyieldingly oblivious, & unopposed.
The Nemesis : A vituperative malcontent, full of conspiracy, empty of substance, his verbal volume is inversely proportionate to his grasp of the facts
The Voice of Reason : Whoops, wrong theatre, you want the theatre two doors down to see his performance, however all ticket sales are final and nonrefundable.
The Masked Fool : Because every indecent tragecomedy needs one, The Fool has never been seen without a mask over his face, which changes daily.
End of Credits
Love's Labour is Flossing - Xoria - 08-31-2010
The Prologue
An Official Proclamation undertaken in lines of Literary Allusion (and a brief Similitude)[critic's note : This is the first of multitudinous literary diversions, for which the audience ought to constantly look behind them for, lest they sneak up and impose bunny ears upon you who read herein.]
Narrator : Thus Began the Discoursive Proclamation of Messr. God, as it fell from the Heavens upon the ears of the kingdom's citizens.
Whan that Aprill, with his shoures soote
The droghte of March hath perced to the roote
And bathed every veyne in swich licour,
Of which vertu engendred is the flour;
Whan Zephirus eek with his sweete breeth
Inspired hath in every holt and heeth
The tendre croppes, and the yonge sonne
Hath in the Ram his halfe cours yronne,
And smale foweles maken melodye,
(That slepen al the nyght with open eye)
So priketh hem Nature in hir corages
Thanne longen folk to goon on pilgrimages
Peanut Gallery : Get to the point!
Chorus of Catcalls : And in plainer Giberrish if you don't mind!
Messr. God : Ahem.
And wandering developers design new systems, & strange journeys,
Seek out far stars, renowned in many forums,
And specially from every ISP's end
Of West to East they wend
The holy blessed uber-pwnzr-enablers there to whore,
Which brought entertainment to them when they were bored.
The Masked Fool : [muttering] What the kitty devil is he going on about?...
Narrator : God hears the mutter through his holy omniscience.
Messr. God : Confound it! There is going to be a new mod version, and I'm looking for volunteers to contribute.
Peanut Gallery : Huzzah! Who mayest embark with thee?
Messr. God : Whosoever will, may come.
Peanut Gallery : Huzzah! Huzzah!
Narrator : The peanut gallery runs off to pack.
Chorus of Catcalls : Burn the Witch and nerf the powertraders!
Mdme. Whimsy : Don't forget the bombers.
Chorus of Catcalls : Nuke that monkey's planet also!
Narrator : Six days later the Peanut Gallery finishes packing and returns to discover that God and certain chosen citizens who had always kept their bags packed had departed on the day of the proclamation for a distant castle ringed by impregnable moats and fierce ballistas.
Peanut Gallery : Well don't that just beat all...
The Nemesis : Didn't I tell you about those-
Peanut Gallery : Shutup you unbearable oaf! We just weren't ready yet, that's all. We'll keep our bags packed though, so we shan't be left behind next time.
Narrator : The Peanut Gallery spots a flower, gets distracted by how pretty it is, and the baggage is stolen by members of the Nocturnal Order of Criminal Mischief.
Peanut Gallery : Woe is us! NOCM planted that flower there deliberately to entrap us and purloin our baggage. We demand the keys to the castle anyway!...Hello?...HALLO!...Is anybody LISTENING TO US!!!!
The Nemesis : [laughs to himself] I could have told you all that you were not sufficiently honorificabilitudinitatibus to go.
Peanut Gallery : LOL...Wut?
College of Scholars : Honorificabilitudinitatibus is the ablative plural of the medieval Latin word honorificabilitudinitas, which can be translated as "the state of being able to achieve honours".
Peanut Gallery : LOL...Wut? Who said that?
Narrator : The Peanut Gallery departs for their homes, but never make it due to all the fields of flowers along the way.
Narrator : When Next We Meet to Quaff our Literary Libations, the developers tackle gun balance, one gets bombed, and spam is in while stats are out.
Interlude
Love's Labour is Flossing - Xoria - 09-02-2010
Update 1, Week 1, Weapon Balance
"Bombs Away!"
Narrator : Messr. Hammer, Messr. Blur, Mdme. Whimsy, and Messr. Square meet in an online chat to discuss Life, Death, and the Guns that render the transition too swiftly."Bombs Away!"
Messr. Hammer : ...if we increase the refire by 25%, decrease the velocity by 10%, and increase the hull damage by 19% while decreasing shield damage by 11%, then they will be balanced against capships but not uber against fighters.
Messr. Blur : No it should be the other way around, good against fighters but crap against capships.
Messr. Hammer : We're talking about bombers here.
Messr. Blur : So what's your point?
Messr. Square : He has no point, just endless statistics.
Messr. Hammer : The statistics are the point. There is no other way to assess things properly.
Messr. Blur : I've never used a bomber, but I know for a fact they ought to be best against fighters. It's stupid for a fighter to take out a capship.
Messr. Hammer : What mod are you playing, anyway?
Messr. Blur : Who cares, they're all the same. Pewpew this, pewpew that, cry like a wet kitten when you get blown up.
Messr. Hammer : Oh for the love of...
Mdme. Whimsy : Transports need a buff. I'm tired of not being able to defend myself.
Messr. Hammer : Defend yourself against what?
Mdme. Whimsy : Everything! Four vhfs blew me up yesterday because I wouldn't pay them 500,000 credits, so I bountied them for 10 million each and now I want a transport buffing!
Messr. Hammer : Four vhfs -should- be able to destroy a transport.
Mdme. Whimsy : What kind of egomaniacal fighter whore are you??!!
Messr. Hammer : Four vhfs with razors can take out a capship, you know.
Mdme. Whimsy : But I'm not in a capship, I'm in a transport! I should be protected from this nonsense!
Messr. Hammer : What nonsense? Piracy?
Mdme. Whimsy : YES, AREN'T YOU LISTENING TO ANYTHING I'M SAYING?
Messr. Hammer : You can't expect to defeat a group of fighters in a transport. Hire escorts.
Mdme. Whimsy : You son of a b_
Narrator : Messr. Hammer ejects Mdme. Whimsy from the chat.
Messr. Blur : Why do we even have transports anyway, everybody should be using freighters to trade. Freighters need a shield, gun, and cargo buff to make them as good as transports.
Narrator : Messr. Hammer burys his face in his hands, then goes offline.
Interlude
Love's Labour is Flossing - Xoria - 09-06-2010
Update 2, Week 5 Trade Balance
"Be sure to wear a flower in your hair"
Narrator : The citizens of the kingdom are rambling around the countryside when one day they happen upon a cabin deep in the forest."Be sure to wear a flower in your hair"
Member of the Peanut Gallery : Whoa look, that cabin is on fire!
Another Member of the Peanut Gallery : Nah, that's just the chimney smoke. Someone must be home, let's spy on them!
Narrator : The citizens creep up to one of the windows and peer inside.
Peanut Gallery : Well look at that, it's a dude dressed in black wearing a pointy hat hunched over a table cluttered with gibberish filled papers.
Chorus of Catcalls : We have here the masters of the obvious.
Peanut Gallery : No you! Shut up!
Peanut Gallery : Oh look, he's gotten up and gone over to a blackboard.
Narrator : The citizens all scrunch their brows and think hard as the dude scribbles complicated algebraic formulas and arithmetic contraptions across the blackboard.
Peanut Gallery : I've got it! The dude in black is the invisible hand of economics!
Chorus of Catcalls : You're a pack of idiots.
Peanut Gallery : No you! Shut up!
Peanut Gallery : He's reconfigurificating the economy for the betterment of mankind!
Chorus of Catcalls : As if.
Peanut Gallery : No yo...hmmm, you may have a point there. What's he doing with flower prices?
Narrator : All turn back to the window and study closely, since flower sales are the main focus of commerce in the kingdom.
A Member of the Peanut Gallery : It looks like there are going to be twice as many weddings needing flowers next year.
Peanut Gallery : Huzzah!
Another Member of the Peanut Gallery : And all the weddings will be rich folk paying top credit for them too!
Peanut Gallery : Bravo!
One More Member of the Peanut Gallery : And look, different varieties of flowers for everybody to sell too!
Peanut Gallery : Encore! Encore!
Yet Another Member of the Peanut Gallery : But what's that part? It looks like we won't be able to sell flowers collected from the sidewalk cracks anymore...[whispers] We'll have to buy them from wholesale growers instead.
Chorus of Catcalls : Dundundun
Peanut Gallery : That pointy hatted black robed bastard! He's nerfing flowers!
Chorus of Catcalls : Toldyousotoldyousotoldyouso
Peanut Gallery : Shuuuuuttttt uuuuppppppp!
The Nemesis : Burn his cabin down around his pointy hat!
Peanut Gallery : LoL
Peanut Gallery : Oh wait, that's a great idea!
Narrator : The citizens quickly gather a stack of wood and lay it against the side of the cabin. They light the wood, but as soon as it catches fire, a whooshing sound is heard from the sky and a bucket of water pours forth from the heavens putting the fire out.
Peanut Gallery : LoL
Peanut Gallery : Oh wait, who did that?
Chorus of Catcalls : God's protecting the black hearted villain with magic!
Peanut Gallery : Down with God. We'll burn his house down too!
Narrator : All pause and look at each other pensively for 6 moments.
Peanut Gallery : Oh wait, no no no we didn't mean that, don't water bucket us too!
Narrator : All fall to their knees and pray fervently, casting sidelong glances at the sky in between incantations. Eventually they regain their courage.
Peanut Gallery : This is the end of LoLery. What can we do?
Peanut Gallery : Quick, everybody round up as many flowers as they can before the wholesale growers corner the market and we're all doomed!
Narrator : The citizens disperse and return home that night dragging cargo nets of flowers behind them.
Interlude
Love's Labour is Flossing - Xoria - 09-10-2010
Update 3, Week 9 Ship Balance
"Lolcaps and the Pilots who Love them"
Narrator : The day begins at a flower shop in the kingdom with a heated discussion about ships new and old. "Lolcaps and the Pilots who Love them"
Mdme. Bleu : The Lolcap is the one that pertains to me and the one I care about.
Peanut Gallery : The bounty hunter is a girl is a boy is a girl is a boy is a girl is a chimp!
Peanut Gallery : Nerf the monkey business!
Messr. Hex : Just because the rest of us don't howl and scratch our armpits doesn't mean it's not a legitimate option for someone else.
Peanut Gallery : But he killed me!
Messr. Hex : That's his role.
Peanut Gallery : But I want to live!
Messr. Hex : That's your option, but it's the chimp's option to kill you for cash.
Peanut Gallery : But I was just stepping out of the outhouse at 3 AM. That's no fair. I was distracted by the relieved feeling.
Messr. Blur : All nocturnal death options should be nerfed. Then we buff battleships.
Peanut Gallery : Yes! Buff battleships, but not against other ships, 'cause we use those.
Messr. Hammer : You can't buff battleships without buffing them against other ships.
Peanut Gallery : You wicked man! You just want to pwn everybody!
Messr. Hammer : It's just simple logic that...
Peanut Gallery : !WICKED!WICKED!WICKED!
Messr. Blur : Buff battleships, but also buff everything that kills battleships, except those that kill transports, which should get nerfed, and then redistribute turrets so freighters are better.
Messr. Hammer : Um, what?
Peanut Gallery : No idea what he said, but do eet nau!
Mdme. Bleu : Now back to the Lolcap, it needs a battleship shield, 3 class 10 gun slots for CODENAMES, and a master radio frequency that can order everyone around.
Peanut Gallery : WinwinwinIwantone!
Narrator : Everyone rushes out and buys a Lolcap.
Mdme. Bleu : Now wait just a minute here! I didn't intend to create the best, hottest looking, uberest ship in the kingdom just so the rest of you could enjoy it. It's mineminemine you all have to sell them back and get starfleas.
Peanut Gallery : Nuh uh.
Mdme. Bleu : NAU!
Peanut Gallery : Nuh uh.
Mdme. Bleu : I'm going to pitch a hissy fit!
Peanut Gallery : _____
Narrator : Mdme. Bleu's cheeks puff out, eyes turn red, smoke wafts from her ears, and her hind leg becomes spasmodic.
The Chorus of Catcalls : Hey, Blacky nerfed trading!
Narrator : Everyone turns from the spectacle of Mdme. Bleu's impending hissy fit to gaze in consternation at the rapidly rising prices posted in neon lights on the electonic billboard for the kingdom's stock exchange.
Peanut Gallery : Confound it, 2 are down and 60 are up, we're flat broke!
Narrator : And they all fainted dead away, except for Mdme. Bleu, who finished her hissy fit before an oblivious audience.
Interlude
Love's Labour is Flossing - Xoria - 09-14-2010
Update 4, Week 19 Gameplay balance
"A Literary Flair Favoring Flagrant Fairness For Nearly Everyone"
Narrator : Down in the valley, The Saint instructs the people on goodness and mercy."A Literary Flair Favoring Flagrant Fairness For Nearly Everyone"
The Saint : Now my children, you must be good to one another. No chasing unwieldy battleships with light fighters that can dodge all of the turret fire, no CDing your opponent's mines when he is trying to toss them at you, and never ever any spitting.
Peanut Gallery : But we want to blow stuff up!
The Saint : Now, now, that isn't very kind is it?
Peanut Gallery : By Jove, he's got something!
The Prince : I do not believe in Jove nor any other god. I believe only in the inherent wickedness and stupidity of man, and his imminent perfectibility if he will only do as I say.
Peanut Gallery : That's it! We shall all model ourselves on the conduct of the The Prince!
The Saint : No, no. Disregard what he does. Just follow what I say.
Peanut Gallery : Er, right! Do what The Saint says!
The Saint : To be Fair or not to be Fair, that is the question - Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune...
Narrator : The Prince is distracted from the Saint's ruminations by a movement in the bushes. He leaves the crowd to investigate.
The Prince : Eh, what's this then?
Messr. Jabberwocky : Woof.
The Prince : Aaaaiiiiieeeeeee!!!!!!
Peanut Gallery : Whowhatwherewhenohohohlololololaaaiiiiieeeeeee?!?!?!
Narrator : All peer at the creature for a closer examination.
Peanut Gallery : It's a furry, keeel eeet!
Messr. Jabberwocky : For 2 credits I'll dance. For 3, I'll sing and dance.
Peanut Gallery : Keeel eeet nau!
The Saint : Now, come, come. It's just trying to make a decent living like the rest of us.
Peanut Gallery : Keeel eeet then!
The Saint : We have no right to force our own parochial gameplay conventions upon the noobs, not even noobs with brillig, slithy fangs...and claws...and...hey those claws are sold in my shop and those fangs come from The Nemesis' shop. You can't combine fangs and claws from competing commercial enterprises! It's against the laws of nature and nature's God, whose chart we worship!
Peanut Gallery : Keeel keeel keeel! To the pit of despair with the abomination!
The Prince : ...Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them? That's it! I shall oppose thee and cast thee down to the pit of dissolution thou vilest of misadventurers!
Narrator : The Prince unsheathes his vorpal blade, kisses it, and slashes off the head of Messr. Jabberwocky, only to find that it was a costume worn by a child from a neighboring kingdom.
The Saint : Oh, the horror!
Peanut Gallery : Serves him right for running the embargo to combine those fangs and claws.
Narrator : The crowd disperses, and The Prince leaves arm in arm with The Saint from the Valley of Peons where he was remonstrating the masses, and ascends to the Celestial City for a conference. When next we meet to endure yet more intrepid utterings, a monkey steals into the Heavenly Abode through an open window for a casual eavesdroppery.
Interlude
Love's Labour is Flossing - Xoria - 09-18-2010
Update 5, Week 33
"The Devil in the Details"
Narrator : Messr. Zip climbs the trellis from the Valley of Peons up to the Celestial City, finds an open window, and alights upon the windowsill. He spots a platter of choice bananas sitting upon a table in the room, but is prevented from entering due to the presence of the Admins who have convened therein."The Devil in the Details"
An Admin : From where do you come?
Another Admin : From roaming about Sirius and puttering about the forums.
An Admin : What tidings do you bring?
Another Admin : Tales of a most troublesome and dangerous event!
An Admin : Speak quickly then, the race is about to start.
Yet Another Admin : To be honest, everything is trouble and danger nowadays.
Admins (in unison) : Too true, too true.
Yet Another Admin : To be honest, all of the rules need to be rewritten.
Narrator : Admins look at each other pensively.
[POOF!]
Admins : That's surprising! How did he just disappear like that?
Messr. Zip : [to himself] Such is the tendency when heedless thought begins to steer a course along the heading of hard work.
Admins : Did someone say something? Must have been the wind. Who left the window open? Well, who volunteers to rewrite them?
Narrator : And there was a silence in the Celestial City for about half an hour.
Admins : Right! Somebody will do it then. Next?
An Admin : The rabble is restless. One peon made too much cash selling magnifying glasses for flower gazing and the rest are jealous.
The Prince : Then we appoint some of the wicked idiots to govern the rest of the wicked idiots, and the wicked idiocy will cancel itself out and distribute marshmallows to everyone!
Admins : Huzzah! Adjourned.
Narrator : The Admins depart. Messr. Zip tiptoes into the room and swipes the bananas, returns to the window, and muses to himself before climbing back down to the Valley of Peons.
Messr. Zip : The devil lurks in the details, while the angels proclaim the glad tidings of Salvation from All Things Irritable. They do get the best bananas here though, so the climb was worth it.
Interlude
Love's Labour is Flossing - Xoria - 09-24-2010
Update 6, Week 39
"A Tempest in a Teacup"
Narrator : The curtain opens to reveal Messr. Black standing in front of the cast."A Tempest in a Teacup"
[critic's note : the following is plainly plagioritive.]
Messr. Black : Our revels now are ended. These our actors, as I foretold you, were all spirits and are melted into air, into thin air; and ' like the baseless fabric of this vision ' the cloud-capped towers, the gorgeous palaces, the solemn temples, the great game itself, yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve, and like this insubstantial pageant faded, leave not a tachyon behind. We are such stuff as dreams are made on, and our little life is rounded with a sleep.
Peanut Gallery : Sleep? Who's got time for sleep? There's 3 wars on!
Messr. Black : Henceforth, something shall be worth as much as anything, everything shall cost nothing, and nothing shall be worth anything.
The Masked Fool : Ahem.
Narrator : All turn to look at The Fool, who slowly reaches up to his mask, and removes it from his face.
All : [gasp]
Littlest Member of the Peanut Gallery : Why's he gotta a mirror for a face?
Narrator : All look at one another for several moments.
The Cast, in Unison : We have met the Fool, and he is us.
Narrator : All exit down into the bowels of the stage which is lit by red lights, except Messr. Zip who climbs the curtain at the side of the stage into the rigging.
Narrator : Enters The Announcer & 3 Scholars.
Announcer : This just in from our Stable Of Experts at the Royal Literary Observatory : the preceding exhibition is declared a fraud, and the manuscript deemed a forgery. No such document exists in any way attributable to the declared author, nor to any other author, living, dead, or in vivo anticipatory. This theatrical performance is therefore rendered non-existent and otherwise null and void. Besides which, it is deemed satire, and nobody digs satire anymore. I turn now to poll the College for their official opinions. Gentlemen, sound off.
Scholar One : I say!
Scholar Two : Right!
Scholar Three : Jolly Good Show!
Scholars in unison : Encore! Encore!
Narrator : There is hurried whispery conversation among The Scholars and The Announcer who gestures frantically.
Scholar One : Monstrous!
Scholar Two : Withering!
Scholar Three : Diabolical!
Scholars in Unison : Indigestible!
Messr. Zip from the rigging : [yawns loudly and starts throwing bananas at audience members while yelling] 314% of transdimensional ladies want you to floss daily!
Narrator : The announcer & scholars exit by stumbling off the front of the stage into the orchestra pit, where they are strangled by the violinists before being rescued by the celloists under a covering fire of bananas.
[Curtain Descends. Applause Erupts. Audience exits, bananas in hand.]
Love's Labour is Flossing - Xoria - 09-29-2010
Post Performance Pandemonium
[Holo-view of the outside of the Rasmus Tasmus Theatre after a performance]Announcer : We have a breaking news update from HSN. And now, Ladies and Sundry Gender-Confused Individuals, we take you to our boy on the street report with Jib Flibbidy, who is lisping his way through interviewing attendees of the latest hit show, Love's Labour is Flossing. What's the scene like out there Jib?
Jib Flibbidy : Pure pandemonium, Paul.
Jib Flibbidy : Just moments ago, an Outcast and a Corsair leaving the performance stumbled into each other, and a scuffle broke out. As you can see, from the camera shot between my legs, the two pirates are chest to chest in a shouting match. Let's listen in.
Corsair : No, tu!
Outcast : No, tu!
Corsair : El druggie!
Outcast : El cannibal!
Jib Flibbidy : Holy Toledo! The shouting has escalated to physical violence! The Outcast has the Corsair in a headlock and is trying to shove his cardi pipe down the Corsair's ear. The Corsair is biting and gnawing on the Outcast's shoulder. The Outcast grimaces in pain and concentration as he guides the pipe's tube down an ear canal. The Corsair is close to losing consciousness from biting so hard. And now the...but wait...men dressed in black are rushing out of the theatre. It's thespian security! No wait, behind a cordon of black clothed bodyguards steps forth the man in charge. It's...no, it can't be...OMG
Announcer : Jib, did you just say OMG?
Jib Flibbidy : OMG!
Jib Flibbidy : It's...[deep breath]...Jay Simon.
Jib Flibbidy : OMG!!!
Jib Flibbidy : The men in black have unholstered their weapons. They're taking aim, they're firing! The Outcast and Corsair are both hit! Now their bodies are disintegrating into a pile of ash. The ashes are commingling in a common pile on the steps of the theatre. I can't believe this is happening right in front of us! Finally, after centuries of conflict, Outcast and Corsair embrace each other! Only the theatre has such power Ladies and Sundry! ONLY THE THEATRE! IT'S A POST PERFORMANCE THEATRICAL MIRACLE!
Announcer : Jib, can you get an interview with Jay Simon?
Jib Flibbidy : OMG!
Jib Flibbidy : My hero!!
Jib Flibbidy : OMG!!!
Announcer : While Jib secures an interview with the eminent Mr. Jay Simon, please stay tuned for a brief message from one of our sponsors.
Love's Labour is Flossing - Xoria - 10-21-2010
Public Service Announcement
from the servants of the Celestial City
from the servants of the Celestial City
In order to stem the rising tide of indiscriminately mismatched apparel and armament combinations at our frequent masquerade balls, we, your servants of the Celestial City, have commissioned the following guidelines to assist all and sundry in the proper choice of costumes :
Claws purchased from the Saint may not be used in combination with fangs purchased from The Nemesis.
Scaly creatures may not utilize claws or fangs normally associated with furry creatures, unless said scaly creature is amphibious, or an evolutionary precursor of a furry, in which case the fangs or claws must possess two fewer sharp tips than the furry equivalent.
Furry creatures may not wear scales, nor scaly creatures wear fur, unless said creature is impersonating a Gallic Mermaid.
Furry creatures must at all times possess no more than two foreclaws and two hindclaws.
In no case may any creature, evolutionary precursor or otherwise, possess fangs and claws from both predator and prey classes, unless said creature is an omnivore, in which case the fangs and claws must possess one fewer sharp tip than the predator and prey equivalents.
Feathered creatures may not utilize fangs.
Furry creatures may not utilize beaks.
Scaly creatures may not utilize beaks or claws.
Swimming creatures with tentacles may utilize no more than one beak, but cannot combine a beak with fangs or claws.
Swimming creatures may not wear feathers, and may only wear fur if they respirate via gases rather than liquids.
Furry, feathered, and scaly creatures may under no circumstances utilize tentacles.
Any creature possessing more than four limbs, or tentacles, may be attacked on sight by all.
Odious creatures of any species are subject to summary execution per the jurisdiction of the nearest offended alpha male.
Any creature overheard pronouncing "nom" may be devoured by all.
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Exceptions to the guidelines may be granted under the following conditions :
Supplicants must submit a request consisting of exactly 66 words, explaining the details of their request, special circumstances warranting an exception, qualifications of the supplicant, and 3 character references from alpha males.
Supplications may be made only during the phase of the new moon.
Supplications will only be granted after a period of deliberation lasting no fewer than sixteen days.
All outstanding supplications which have not been granted by the first full moon after submission are to be considered denied, and must be resupplicated at the next new moon, or abandoned.
Supplications will not be accepted from any creature which has been previously executed or suspected of having been considered for execution.