+- Discovery Gaming Community (https://discoverygc.com/forums)
+-- Forum: Role-Playing (https://discoverygc.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?fid=9)
+--- Forum: Stories and Biographies (https://discoverygc.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?fid=56)
+--- Thread: LPI field manual (/showthread.php?tid=7228)
Pages:
1
2
LPI field manual - Zapp - 03-25-2008
OOC NOTE! You are not allowed to post here unless...
1. You're in the LPI
2. You have gotten my permission to post a new chapter, or something else (like what I've done the last couple of posts)
Thank you, and have a nice day.
~ ~ ~
LPI Field Manual
By Matt Myers and various other LPI officers
Oi, so ya think ya got what it takes to be LPI? OK, mayhap a trained wombat have what it takes, but dat be beside da point. Dis here field manual be here to tell you what to do in da event o an emergency.
1. Put your tray table up
2. Put your seat back in the full upright position
3. In the event of a crash, your seat cushion doubles as a floatation device, so we can recycle it.
4. That lever to the right side of your seat? Its the eject lever. In the event of an emergency, IT IS YOUR BEST FRIEND
5. Your uniform is fireproof. Go ahead; try to light yourself on fire.
6. The girl scouts are your friends. They sell us cookies. Using the money from cookie sales, they have bought a flotilla of capital ships, and are currently the most battle hardened unit in all of Sirius
CHAPTER ONE
Nomads and Zone 21
[This section of the manual is considered classified by the LSF. It has been censored by the LSF]
Nomads are scary blue aliens. Zone 21 just dont look left going from Norfolk to Texas, and youll be fine.
CHAPTER TWO
Phantoms, MonStar, and any other terrorists
OK, this one is important. In the event of a terrorist attack on a system, direct all civilians to CALMLY EXIT THE SYSTEM. Then sit by the jump gate and huddle into the fetal position, crying for your mommy. If the LSF or Navy are not present, dial 1-800-Rent-A-Navy. If you are put into a holding pattern, do not be alarmed. This only means that its past the girl scouts I mean Rent-A-Navys bed time. Give it eight to ten hours.
LPI field manual - Zapp - 03-25-2008
CHAPTER THREE
LPI terminology
As you know, we at the LPI use an advanced system known to many as jargon, to others as gibberish. It is as follows:
Gopher = Xeno Come in packs of eagles with frikin laser beams. Do not engage with at least 3 extra generators charged
Bunny = Rogue The pirate equivalent to the LPI in terms of competence
Gerbil = Hacker Switch from regular computer to blender; they cant hack a blender!
Hamster = Outcast If on dose: evacuate civilians, call in the Navy, LSF and run. If overdosed: Help him to stand up and take to nearest police headquarters
Girl Scout = Elite fighting unit that we call in for backup (GSAL)
Ferret = Phantom RUN FASTER!
Donut = Donut
Fascism = Liberty
Aunt Jane = Nomad Put on the tinfoil hat to stop their brainwaves!
Aunt Jill = Keepers Pack your bags and transfer to the BPA
Billy Bob = Navy -- *song* IN THE NAVY you get shot a lot
Leopold = LSF I can kill you with my sock it very smelly
Donut warmers = Justice IIIs
Donut heaters = Vengeance Vs
Work = Nap
OK, this next section is for walky-talky communication in our special LPI code ONLY
ROFLCOPTER = Can you hear me?!
LOL = Wow, these guys are pretty stupid.
:)= I wanna go on a vacation to Curacao. Too bad the LPI doesnt get any vacation time, eh?
LMAO = Yes.
LMFAO = No.
LMAFO = Maybe.
ZOMG = PIRATE! EJECT EJECT!!!
OMG = PIRATE! EJECT ONCE!!!
TTYL = Nap time.
BRB = Break time.
BBL = Im gonna try and dock without the docking ring.
ZORZORZ! = I need some new bed sheets.
LEET = You must be some sort o retard
WTF = Go jump off a bridge
BBQ = Home-style super-yummy extra-delicious home-fries
ZOMGWTFBBQ = That pirate just jumped off a bridge to get the home-style-super-yummy-extra-delicious home fries!
LPI field manual - Zapp - 03-28-2008
Chapter Four
In case of a pirate attack
1. CALMLY evacuate the system.
2. Update your will.
3. Check to make sure your eject pod works
4. Call in the navy or LSF
5. If the LSF or navy arent there, let the pirates do what they want
6. Scarf down the donuts in your ship dont waste em!
7. When the pirates get in visual range, eject.
8. In the event you skipped #3, pray it works.
9. In the event you skipped #3, and in the event God was out golfing or is getting a laugh at your escape pods expense, scream for your mommy
10. In the event you skipped #3, and in the event God was out golfing or is getting a laugh at your escape pods expense, and in the event that your mommy didnt answer your scream, pull on an adult diaper
11. In the event you skipped #3, and in the event God was out golfing or is getting a laugh at your escape pods expense, and in the event that your mommy didnt answer your scream, and in the event that you are out of adult diapers, call in the girl scouts
12. In the event you skipped #3, and in the event God was out golfing or is getting a laugh at your escape pods expense, and in the event that your mommy didnt answer your scream, and in the event that you are out of adult diapers, and in the event that its the girl scouts naptime, and just so this chapter isnt an unending cycle of and in the event ofs, just give up at this point.
13. In the event you skipped #3, and in the event God was out golfing or is getting a laugh at your escape pods expense, and in the event that your mommy didnt answer your scream, and in the event that you are out of adult diapers, and in the event that its the girl scouts naptime, BUT if you dont want to give up and if you have Cesar as a wingman, just tell Cesar to turn on his cockpit video camera and transmit the footage to the pirates. I swear theyll run, cuz Cesar flies as nekked as the day he was born.
LPI field manual - Zapp - 03-29-2008
Chapter Five
Contraband
Contraband is bad. So is snuggling. In an effort to curb illegal snuggling, we have set up a list of items it is illegal to snuggle with. They are:
Cardamine
Artifacts
Counterfeit Software
Synth Mary-Jew-Wanna
Slaves
However, under article Boring sub-section I-dont-care, if the captain of the ship can prove he was not snuggling with the listed items, then he is free to go.
LPI field manual - Zapp - 04-01-2008
As you read the field manual (assuming you are an LPI recruit), you come across a scrap of paper stuck between two pages. On it, it reads:
Quote:Malta's Surgeon General would like to remind you that smoking Synth Pot can result in harmful side effects such as: Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, Emphysema, and May Complicate Pregnancy. Malta's Surgeon General would also like to remind you that smoking Cardamine can result in beneficial side effects, such as: Curing of Cancer, Longer Life, Higher Highs, Heightened State of Mind, and <strike>Being an addict to our drug</strike> Enhanced Intelligence.
On the back of the paper, you see the number for someone's comm-line. Mulling over whether you should try it, you decide ‘Oh, what the heck’. You punch it in and a dull ringing starts. After five rings, a woman with a throaty voice answered.
”Yes, Liberty Rogue hotline. Have you been feeling Roguish today?”
All you can do is stammer: ”Well…umm… err… that is…
”Marvelous. Now, how can I help ya darlin’? What’s your name?”
You supply your name.
”Well, that’s… wait, isn’t that the name of a coppah? Oh boy…
The phone hangs up. You shrug and keep reading the manual.
LPI field manual - Skorp - 04-01-2008
But, unfortunately, not every LPI officer seems to use the manual for "reading" ... :P
LPI field manual - Zapp - 04-09-2008
Well, that was odd. You flip the page and, instead of the volumes of knowledge you were expecting to find (you chuckle at the thought), you find a couple of pages full of sketches of naked women, as well as the words Cesar was here. How odd. You decide to ask Cesar why he would deface the manual so, but first you decide to examine the pages closer to see if you can read anything below the vulgar sketches, of course. Of course.
Some time later you seek out Cesar, and find him stuck in a doorway, snoring. Apparently he had been stuck for some time. You slap him upside the face until he wakes up.
Huh?! Wha? I swear I dont have the money! Oh, you. Whaddya want?
You pull out the manual, flip to the page, and ask why he did it.
Im innocent I tell you, INNOCENT! I was framed! It wasnt me! ATTICA!!!!!!
You slap him and he comes back to himself.
Wasnt me. Ask Matt.
So you go to find Matt, who is also incidentally stuck in a doorway snoring. You slap him upside the face a couple dozen times until he wakes up.
Whoever be slappin me be docked deir pay!
You point out that you arent paid at all and he shuts up. Then you pull out the manual and ask why he did it.
Oh, I did that so youd have somethin to look at when you be in yer escape pod. It gets a mite boring in there, being stuck in something thats smaller than you.
LPI field manual - Zapp - 04-09-2008
OK, seriously now. I let Skorp's post slide, but you are not allowed to post in here unless...
1. You're in the LPI
2. You have gotten my permission to post a new chapter, or something else (like what I've done the last couple of posts)
Thanks to the Admin team for deleting.
LPI field manual - Zapp - 04-11-2008
Chapter Five
Your work environment and you
The next page is a holo-video built into the book, displaying a panning camera across the LPI office space. People are busy working... or so it seems. Matt has a cattle prod in his hand, and is yelling "WORK HARDER! Da camera be rollin'!" Once he notices he's on the camera, he roughly turns it away. The officers are starting to sweat. The next page contains old fashioned words.
It is of paramount importance that you keep your work area in splendid condition. We at the LPI pride ourselves in being both clean (you look up from reading in the office and see donuts nailed to the wall) and hygienic (you look up to see one officer eating a donut off another officer’s armpit, which you can smell from your desk). Remember that, if your diabetes acts up and your blood sugar drops too low, you will be seen as weak in the eyes of others, and they will take advantage of you, like a herd of animals.
Also, you will find that we have state-of-the-art computer technology (all the computers look like they ripped them off the sleeper ship), and so we ask you to please treat it in a proper and dignified way (you see another officer trying to eat his computer monitor). Remember, your uniform is of upmost importance, so keep it clean and on your person at all times (you see Cesar on his way to his Patriot to do his rounds – buck nekked as the day he was born. You also see people dying when they look at him.)
LPI field manual - Zapp - 04-17-2008
Chapter Six
Firearm Procedures
Guns are a dangerous weapon, yet we are required by law to carry them. Now, now, don’t worry about a thing. Our state-of-the-art technology ensures that we don’t accidentally shoot ourselves, or god forbid, the ice cream man. It is simple. Open up your glove compartment in your Patriot. Dig through the emergency donut rations and you’ll find a huge bottle of super glue. First, take off the cap. Next, pour it down the barrel of the gun. Then, pour it all in the holster (that is, the thing that holds the gun). Take out the clip and pour the glue all up in there, then put the clip back in. You may have to beat on it hard to make it fit again, but do not be discouraged. Finally, holster the gun. You are now safe to enforce the law.
However, we are also armed with tazers. These are guns that give out electrical discharges to incapacitate people. They also have a tendency to hit our own officers, as we are such large targets. At last count, we are collectively bigger than the broadside of a barn – so people that can’t hit the broadside of a barn can hit the LPI. But take heart! There is a way to make your tazers safe too! First, take out the batteries. Then, pour super glue all over it. Much easier than safety-ing the gun.
HOWEVER, we are also armed with Mace, also known as pepper spray. Do not worry; this isn’t dangerous – unless you accidentally shoot yourself with it in your eyes. To stop this from happening, take a roll of duct tape and just put tape all around it until it is completely covered, especially the top part.
This concludes all you need to know about weapon safety. Remember, if there is any fighting that needs doing, call the Navy. They don’t receive this specialized training; therefore their guns aren’t indiscriminately safe for everyone. Just be sure to duck, and squeeze in your gut.