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+--- Thread: Cum Igni et Tonitrui! (/showthread.php?tid=90153)
Cum Igni et Tonitrui! - Thunderer - 11-19-2012
It was a fine day on planet New London. It was raining, as always, but not as heavily as most times. Deep in his warm house, Charles Richard Hall, a direct descendant of John Montagu, the 4th Earl of Sandwich, by mothers line, was making a sandwich. He didn't know why, but he just adored it.
At the same moment, about 42 light years and 1792 kilometers away, there was a battle in Leeds system, between the Bretonian Armed Forces and the newly arrived Gallic Royal Navy. Guns were thundering on all sides, ships were hit by terrible projectiles which could tear significant parts of whole planets away, hulls were creaking and the Bretonians appeared to be winning. They won, but at a cost - one of the old Dunkirks had old weaponry, armor and systems, so she couldn't stand the continuous fire from cutting-edge Gallic guns. She was heavily damaged and she had to be tugged to Southampton for repairs. There were 30 injured and 4 dead, among which was the captain himself.
In his warm house on planet New London, Charles was still making a sandwich. Suddenly, he dropped it. It was due to the unexpected opening of the door, which were opened by his wife, Elisabeth. Her face was in tears.
Elisabeth: Darling! Darling!
Crying, she fell into his hug.
Charles: What is it?
Elisabeth: Oh, please, don't go! Don't go!
Charles: Where?
Elisabeth: Didn't you read it?
Charles: What?
Elisabeth: The letter!
Charles: My dear, what are you talking about?
Elisabeth: The letter on your desk! It's from the Armed Forces!
Charles: Did you open my letter?
Elisabeth! No! It was opened already! Read it!
Charles: Alright.
*A few moments later*
Reading the letter, Charles frowns.
Elisabeth: They said that they need a captain for some battleship.
Charles: It looks like I won't make sandwiches any more.
Elisabeth: Oh, please, don't listen to them! Our children need us!
Charles: Our children already have their own children. I must go, it is obligatory. The best way to defend my family would be the direct one. Sorry, my dear. I don't want some fool to defend my home instead of me.
Elisabeth: And George, your youngest brother?
Charles: He will manage! He's 42 years old, for God's sake! (short pause) I must do this. It is my obligation towards the realm.
Elisabeth: (breathes in and out, calming down) Will you come back?
Charles: Of course I will! I love you all, I will come to visit you whenever I'm in the system!
Elisabeth: Write us!
Charles: I will write you every day! Good by, my dearest!
Charles prepares two suitcases, one for his stuff, and the other one with enormous stock of tea and sandwich ingredients. He takes his family's picture and leaves. Elisabeth wipes off her tears and brings up a smile. She will have to repair that plumbing on her own.
In fifteen minutes and four seconds, Charles arrived at Southampton. He was amazed. In the Thunderer, how the Dunkirk was christened, almost every pipe was leaking. He wanted to go back, but he changed his mind when he found out there is a whole room dedicated to tea and sandwiches. At the same time, he gaped. His brain was too busy with the picture of him, fixing the plumbing trough the whole ship, and him again, drinking tea and making sandwiches in a room dedicated specifically for that.
Charles: Does this ship have a crew?
Arthur McGregor, the first officer: Aye-aye, captain! One of the foinest in Bretonia!
Charles: Then let them show their skills by fixing the plumbing.
Arthur: (confused)
Charles: (gives him a grave look)
Arthur: Aye-aye, captain!
Charles walks in the direction of his tea room, carrying one of his suitcases.
*A few days later*
Charles: Lads, the deadline is in only a few hours. How is it going?
Construction Supervisor: Almost all is done! I just don't know how to fix that watering systems in the greenhouse, but the lads will manage! I hope...
Charles: Better that they do. Alrighty, it'd be good if I made a sandwich, or two while you're fixing it, to kill my time. When will they deliver that tea, do you know?
Construction Supervisor: Sorry, captain. You must ask the storekeeper for that.
Charles: Alright.
*A few hours later*
As they were totally ignorant, Charles was presenting his new invention called "sandwich" to a crowd of anciently dressed people. He was about to discover why, when his alarm clock rang. He woke up and assumed the plumbing repairs were over. Just to pester the crew if they didn't finish it, he pushed the button which activated the unbearably cold water, which should water the plants in the greenhouse. No screaming was heard. Charles smiled, got up and put on his ceremonial suit.
Charles: Alright, chaps, hear me out! I hope you have finished the work, because admiral Sir Firmus Piett is going to visit and value the ship.
Arthur: All done, me captain!
Charles: Splendid! Just on time! (pauses a bit, like he wants to remember something) Oh, and someone turn that water off in the greenhouse, would you?
*A bit later*
Charles enters the command bridge, along with another man. That man is admiral Sir Firmus Piett, the commander of Salisbury fleet and then still the commander of Bretonian Royal Fleet. He is carrying his infamous notebook and writing on it with his terrible pen. Charles is trying to make him write nothing terrible. He puts off his hat.
Charles: A nice ship for such a humble captain like me, what do you think, Sir?
Piett: (writes)
Charles: She was heavily damaged, but these diligent men have done their best, and she is ready for another battle! We even fixed the plumbing!
Piett: (writes more)
Charles: I don't know if you know, Sir, but we also have a tea room, and we've just got a delivery of tea! Would you like to join?
Piett: I don't think you do realize, but while we are talking here, the Gallic invaders are knocking on our doorstep in Leeds. Perhaps you may be of assistance there?
Charles: Roger. (to his crew) Chaps, you've fixed the cooling systems, right? Better if you did! Let's see what she can do. On your positions! Engines to the maximum! Full steam to Leeds!
Charles puts his hat on and lifts his head.
Charles: With flame and thunder!
The Thunderer speeds up and disappears an a flash of light.
RE: Cum Igni et Tonitrui! - Thunderer - 11-20-2012
Arthur McGregor, the first officer, calmly comes on the bridge and walks towards Charles.
Arthur: Captain, we're going in a wrong direction.
Charles: Oh.
Arthur: No, really! We should be going t' Leeds jump goite, but we're going t' planet Dover!
Charles: Oh! Who the bloody hell is navigating us!?
Both of them hastily walk towards the navigation room. At the same time, Sir Piett writes something, making an evil grin.
Charles: You!?
George, his youngest brother: Me?
Charles: Yes, you! What the devi... What are you doing here?
George: I was invited, same as you. You did notice that letter was opened, right?
Charles: Yes...
George: I opened it. It was also directed to me, but that coffee stain made my name impossible to be read by your and your wife's old eyes.
Charles: Why didn't you tell us?
George: I didn't want to disturb you. Victoria* would be totally shocked, and you would know anyways. I took the letter and left a note in my bedroom that I have found a woman to marry. It would be enough for them. They're trying to find me a permanent one for all these 42 years. I just can't stand a long relationship.
Charles: (chuckles) I can understand you, brother! However, this is a dangerous place for you.
George: It is too late now, I'm afraid. There is no coming back. I have found a meaning for my life.
Charles: I can't let you...
George: (rises his voice) The Armed Forces have decided. There will be no deserters. I have only two choices - to be punished, or to fight for our home. Brother, neither you, nor I can do anything now.
Charles: (breaths is and out and lets a tear) Alright, my bro. (hugs George) Alright. (pats his back) At least you don't have to fix that plumbing! Anyways, why did you direct us towards Dover?
George: Oh. They have a good tea cook there. I hoped you would appreciate if we hired him.
Charles: (his lips shiver, but then he lets them go, making a wide smile) Of course! Wonderful!
The admiral enters the room to check what the devil is going on there, lifts his eyebrow in confusion, and then makes that evil grin again, while writing something down.
* Victoria - their youngest sister.
RE: Cum Igni et Tonitrui! - Thunderer - 11-23-2012
Leeds system, planet Leeds space.
Intense fire from enormous guns of Gallic and Bretonian ships is hitting the incandescent hulls of both sides, making them explode violently in huge, bright blasts.
In the Thunderer, which is approaching the battlefield, Charles is drinking tea.
Charles: It doesn't look attractive. (takes a sip)
Piett: It is your obligation to help our forces.
Charles: Bah, alright. Arthur!
Arthur: Aye, me captain?
Charles: Turn the auto pilot off and make me a sandwich, would you?
Arthur: Aye-aye, captain! (leaves)
Charles: (lays the half finished tea aside with no pleasure and lazily gets up from his seat, and then approaches the microphone) Chaps, you've got that your battle! On your positions! Keep the guns warm and your blood cold! (for himself) Apparently, Bretonia is going to rule again.
The Thunderer enters the engagement, evades a few shots, lands some hits and the tide of the battle quickly turns to the Bretonians. Guns roared, hulls are melt, and the area is lit by enormous explosions of Gallic ships, not any smaller.
In the Thunderer, greenhouse watering system turns on, spraying some unbearably cold water on everybody who was caught there, making them scream.
On the bridge, Arthur approaches Charles, carrying a plate with a sandwich.
Charles: Thank you! (takes the sandwich and sits)
Arthur: Ye'r welcome!
Charles: (bites the sandwich) Hm. (looks upwards) Hm. I feel like something is missing. (opens the sandwich) Pickles. You forgot the pickles.
*a few hours later*
Arthur: (approaches Charles) Captain!
Charles: Yes?
Arthur: Oi've got a letter from Sir Piett! 'T was taped t' yer teleport!
Charles: Odd. I didn't even notice he's not here. (takes the letter) Let me read it.
The Letter
Charles Richard Hall,
I am content with your performance, same as with the performance of the ship. Thus, I have decided to let you carry the banner of the Bretonian Royal Fleet, under the condition that you make sure our forces get the needed help on time.
Trusting the above is sufficiently clear
Sir Firmus Piett
Fleet Admiral of the Armed Forces
Sir Firmus Piett
Fleet Admiral of the Armed Forces
PS: I found your pickles delicious.
RE: Cum Igni et Tonitrui! - Thunderer - 11-29-2012
There was a great woe in the Thunderer. Lethargy and sorrow could be felt in the musty air. The crew was reluctantly crawling over the ship's stuffy corridors.
Charles wasn't drinking tea. The tea was gone.
So, he lazily directed the ship towards Curacao. Their tea was the best in whole Sirius, or one on them at worst.
Suddenly, an ion storm struck the area around the Thunderer. Along with a few bits of space junk and her waste, the ship was sucked into a totally different system.
Charles: (gets up and recovers from the unexpected acceleration) Oh, no, not again... (shakes off the dust from his suit) Coordinates, please!
George: We are in Bering system, Freeport 2 space, bro... captain.
Charles: Odd. (looks trough the window) But, I must admit it does look similar to what I studied about many years ago. Never mind. Let's go to Curacao.
The Thunderer has headed to Liberty and she was kindly, although not very professionally, escorted to Cortez. A huge, months worthy stock of tea was bought for a rather low price. And loads of sandwich ingredients, of course.
At the end, the ship has successfully reached Bretonia, without much damage.
The watering system in the greenhouse turned on again. Somebody screamed.
RE: Cum Igni et Tonitrui! - Thunderer - 12-19-2012
Many battles were fought in this period. Many were won, some, fortunately few, weren't. Charles has gotten some medals and also a hangover (bloody Council and their wine!). However, all that is neither important, nor interesting - until that great victory at planet Leeds!
Bretonian ships were set in their positions, according to a plan made by Charles and the captain of the Pestilence, a destroyer. Two Dunkirks were a bit below the planet, while one and a Council Rademption class battleship were a bit above. As expected, a huge Gallic invasion fleet has arrived. With them, a strong ion storm has also come.
Charles: Ah! Here they are, croaking like the two-headed toads of Leeds!
Arthur: Aye. Orders?
Charles: Standard. Make a sandwich.
And a sandwich was made. Not only of bread, salad, ham and sauce, but also of the Gallic units. They were totally crushed by the Bretonian lower loaf and the Council upper baguette. The Rademption was, unfortunately, lost. Bloody Gallic wine.
The Thunderer, however, didn't participate in making the sandwich of Gauls. The ion storm was too strong for her poor, already aging systems, so Arthur made only the one of bread, salad, ham, sauce and pickles. He has put them this time.
Regardless of his absence in making the less important sandwich, Charles was given a prize, which was probably caused by his sophisticated plan. If it wasn't that load of tea from Curacao, this was the greatest one he's ever got.
RE: Cum Igni et Tonitrui! - Thunderer - 12-19-2012
Charles' mouth were filled by a sandwich. They were widely opened, not only because the amount of what was in them, but also because he was stunned. Charles has gotten the whole Bretonian Royal Fleet under his command.
Charles (speaks with his mouth full): Ohgh. (chews the sandwich).
Arthur: And? What will ye do with it?
Charles: Hmpfh.
He was thinking. Will he head all the ships from Curacao, full of tea, to Bretonia, or they will march to planet New Paris full of human waste?
Suddenly, he's gotten an idea.
Charles (finally swallows the sandwich): I've got an idea!
Arthur: Aye?
Charles: Aye... I mean, yes. Firstly, we will build up a staggering number of forces. Secondly, we will equip them with the finest weapons we can get. Then, we will train all the crews to the level of elite. Afterwards, we will head to Curacao, fully load our enormous fleet with tea, and deliver it all to Bretonia. Finally, we will all get a full and smelly load of planet Leeds' human waste - now listen carefully - then we will march into Gallia, annihilate everything on our way, and reach New Paris! The brown cloud of doom is awaiting for you, Gauls! Muahaha.... Oh. Sorry if you had to listen to the last part.
Arthur (speechless for a few moments, he says): Aye... As ye say, me captain. Good plan....
Charles: Let's start realizing it.
Charles lends his plate to Arthur and takes his transmitter. An evil grin, reminding of the Piett's, appears on his lips.