Twas a week before Christmas, and all through Kaiserslautern, not a creature was stirring, except for...
"Eggnog! Es delecious!"
---
Like many in Rheinland, the LWB inhabitants of Kaiserslautern depot welcomed the holidays as best they could, imitating the times had back on Stuttgart before Synth Foods unceremoniously took over. Christmas lights (made from spent shotgun shells) had been bought from Junkers, and a makeshift tree constructed from a hat rack and a number of Afro wigs spraypainted green and decorated with more Junker-made lights, and decorations from the various LWB members.
The Biergarten was a place of celebration and happiness at this time of year, despite all of the nastiness that the previous had brought. Udo himself was happily enjoying the various treats brought in by fellow LWB members. Hot chocolate, Candy Canes, and Spiked Eggnog (the latter of which, Udo never fully realized).
"How many more days until Christmas? Ich *hic* need to send mein list to die North Pole?" Udo said, quite tipsy and unsteady on his feet by now.
"Well, Udo..." Said Wenzel Ranis, the LWB's master bartender. "I'm sure Santa already knows what you want. But you see, he has to keep the location of the North Pole a secret, so Synth Foods or Liberty don't take over."
"OOOOOOOHHHHH! Das ist why nobody knows where es ist!" Udo answered, spinning around on his heel, nearly falling over. Fortunately, Wenzel caught him before he could hit his head and further damage his brain.
"Ja... Ja... anyways, es ist time for bed for you, ich think. Too much Eggnog. You know you shouldn't have Alchahol, Udo."
"Al...ca...hol? *hic*" Udo replied, drowsily, before yawning and half-falling asleep as Wenzel first lead, then proceeded to haul Udo back to his quarters. Sprawling him out on his bed and tucking him in.
"Tomarrow, Udo. We will habe some pies und go Christmas Carolink around New Berlin to raise money fur die Children of Stuttgart."
"Jaa...das...wr...l...*hic*" Udo attempted to reply, but passed out before any coherant reply could be made.
Wenzel simply turned off the light and closed the door, leaving Udo to sleep off his ill-decided drunkenness.
---
Hours Later
In the wee hours of the morning (litteraly, in Udo's case), when nearly everyone on Kaiserslautern was fast asleep, all seemed calm and quiet. Udo himself was out cold thanks to the alcohol, having extremely strange dreams as he slept soundly.
Inside Udo's mind, though. He was amicably floating down a river, seemingly in a desert. All of the trees decorated with melted clocks. Confused, Udo continued to swim downstream until he passed from the desert into a snow-covered landscape, with a single wooden cabin. The building was painted green and red, and decorated with lights.
Udo emerged from the river, apparently naked, and made his way curiously toward the shack, with a number of Reindeer grazing outside. Peeking into a window, Udo lit up at the sight. Christmas trees, toys, a fireplace, decorations, everything that symbolized the Christmas spirit. He came to realize this could only be one place...
"Die North Pole! Ich am here! Santaaaaaa!" he said, walking over to and knocking on the door.
"Well, come on in, Udo! Ho ho ho! We've been expecting you!" A voice from within replied Jollily.
Udo happily ran in, delighted to be here, surrounded by the aura of christmas cheer.
"Meeeery Christmas, Udo! Have a mug of hot cocoa and some cookies!" Santa, who was sitting facing a fireplace in a big swivel chair, his back to Udo, seemingly checking his list twice, replied, gesturing to a small table with christmas treats on it.
Udo happily ate the delicious cookies and sipped the hot cocoa. "Es ist gut to be here! Ich habe been searchink fur die North Pole fur ever!"
"Weeell, it seems you're in the right place! But why did you come all this way just to see me?" Santa replied, still not looking at Udo.
"Well, ich want to get some thinks fur Christmas!"
"What would you like, then?"
"Well, es ist nicht fur me. Ich really only want love und happiness fur die people of Stuttgart, und Synth Goods to go away, und... well.. a nice think fur Frau Eva!
Und... maybe an explosion proof Ship, Ja?"
"Ho Ho Ho! Udo... why do you think you should get all of those things?"
"Erm... was? Ich habe been a gut boy... zis year?" Udo asked, confused.
"No, Udo. My list here dosen't lie. It says you've been... naughty."
At that point, Santa swiveled his chair around. To Udo's horror, Santa was infact a skeleton, with flames for eyes, staring deep into Udo's soul with a Demonic gaze that terrified Udo to the core.
"GAH! WAS IST HAPPENINK!"
"You've been very Naughty Udo! Very VERY Naughty indeed. Especially to the women." Demon-Santa replied, removing his belt and using it as a whip to surround Udo, binding his arms and pulling him closer.
"Hallo dere, Ich habe Gingerbread cookies!" Came a voice from the Kitchen. A woman, Udo initally thought to be Mrs. Claus, came out. To Udo's further horror, Mrs. Claus was infact Scary Nurse Olga! And the tray of Gingerbread cookies were shaped like Syrenges.
"HO HO HO!" Santa screamed, in an inhuman, demonic voice.
"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH NEEEEEEEEEEEIN!!!!"
---
"Ack!" Udo yelled, as he was shaken awake from his dream. However, his horrors were not over him. A man grabbed him by the shoulders and sat him up.
"Mister Ackermann?"
"Nein! Don't rape me!"
As Udo's vision returned in the dim light, the Man's features became more apparent. While he appeared to be part Soldier, Part Businessman, but with an Etherial aura around him, Udo was too scared and confused to recognize him.
"No Udo, There's work to be done." The man released Udo, and began pacing around infront of his bed, hands behind his back.
"Udo. I am the Ghost of Christmas Past. And I have been sent here for a reason. A critically important one."
"Erm... you do nicht look like a Ghost..." Udo replied, still shaking under his covers.
"And you don't look like an Elf. So we're even." The Ghost replied, coldly.
"W...was do you want?" Udo asked desperately.
"This..." the Ghost picked up Udo's christmas list, which was sitting on his night table. "...you've been trying very hard to get this sent to Santa and the North Pole, correct?"
"Ja. Are you goink to mail it to Santa?"
"No, Udo. Santa is Dead." The Ghost replied, in a dark and cold tone.
"W...was?!" Udo replied, in shock at the statement.
"Him, Mrs Claus, the North Pole, the Elves, the Reindeer. All gone. As they have been for more then Eight Hundred years."
"So... dere... ist no christmas...?" Udo replied, as the statement set in. He began to tear up in sorrow. "Es was all a lie!?"
"No, Udo. The Christmas spirit is all Human generated. Santa or not, so long as people celebrate, it will still exist. Myself and the rest of us... who escaped the destruction of the North Pole and Earth... are merely servants to that spirit."
"So... where do die presents come from...?"
"I'm getting to that. With humanity spread all throughout the Stars, and Santa Claus dead, there's no way the old system would work. Flying Reindeer and Elves have their limitations... so we've had to improvise. The Planet known as 'Primus', has been colonized by a race of semi-sentient Robots. Nobody else knows this, but some of those Robots' purpose is to replace the Elves in Santa's workshop. Manufacturing toys for the Christmas season."
"Aha...?"
"Before the fall of the North Pole and Earth, Santa Claus had always kept a series of contingency plans in place. In the event of his death, a new Santa would be selected from the population to replace him. With the fall of the North Pole, and the Exodus to Sirius, we have kept to this Doctrane. With one modification. Each year, we select a single individual. Diffrent each time, to be the 'Santa' for that year. On christmas eve, he will deliver Presents as his predecessors did, to all the good children of Sirius."
"So... does zis mean... ich am die new Santa!?" Udo asked, confused, but partly excited.
"Now you get it, Kid. But there's a catch..."
"Oh?"
"Typically... the new Santa is selected months in advance. Often in September. This normally allows lead in time to check the list twice, coordinate the toy deliveries, prepare a sleigh, and get finances in order. Unfortunately, there's been an incident this year..."
"Was ist es?"
"You are the 'second' Santa to be selected this Year. The first one was Bretonian, and had been sent earlier to go to Kusari to speak with the Emperor and Ministers to co-ordinate Christmas deliveries there. Unfortunately, he was brutally murdered by one miss... Ame-no-Uzume. This created a crisis, so close to the holiday. We had to search for a new replacement as quickly as possible. And Udo... you are that replacement."
"Oh... den... was do ich do!?"
"Fortunately, your predecessor got most of the important work done, before his demise. However, you will have to check the list, and ready yourself and a suitable 'sleigh'. You will have to deliver presents to all corners of Sirius. All of the houses. Rheinland, Bretonia, Kusari, Liberty, and all points in between... in one night."
"Wait... LIBERTY!??!"
"Yes, Udo. Liberty. The Spirit of Christmas transcends all national borders and ideologies." The man replied, pulling something out of his pocket, and chucking it to Udo. It appeared to be an enchanted Santa-hat. Which Udo promptly put on.
"Wow... umm.... how do ich know what to do?"
The Ghost pulled a large Christmas present box, seemingly from behind his back out of nowhere, and set it on the foot of Udo's bed. "This contains the List, Santa outfit, and everything else you should need. Check it quickly... you have Eleven Days."
With that, the Ghost turned and walked away, beginning to disappear into an ethereal mist. Udo looked around in confusion, as what had been said sank in, Udo, hopelessly confused, passed out, and fell asleep for several more hours...
The sight of Udo walking the halls in a Santa outfit, checking a long roll of parchment, much of which was slung over his shoulder, and heading toward the Biergarten was of little concern to the rest of the LWB. Indeed, it was better then Udo wearing nothing, which he was (commonly) known to do.
"Hallo...err...Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas!" Udo announced as he entered the Bar.
"Ah, Udo! You're up early. Do you want some water? Maybe an Omlet? Ich have a special Omlet that gets rid of hangovers." Wenzel stated, in the process of cooking a stack of pancakes.
"Nein, just an egg on a muffin sandvich. Ich need to get to mein trainink..." Udo replied, barely taking his eyes off of the list.
"Training, Udo? This is new. Starting your new year's resolution early?" Wenzel asked.
"Nein, die Ghost of christmas past said that ich need to train so ich can deliver die Presents this year. Ich am die new Santa!"
"Ah, I see. Well das ist sehr gut for you! Just don't train near die airlocks or anything hazardous."
"Ich know better, ich still habe scary nightmares. Danke fur die sandvich." Udo replied, taking his breakfast and munching it as he walked along out of the biergarten and toward the hangar.
Udo, Santa or not, would never be able to deliver presents alone. He needed help, and there was only one person in the LWB who could truely 'halp'. Udo went into the Hangar, to search for the man in question.
"Herr Karl, can you come here? Ich need you to be an Elf."
***
Meanwhile
Far from Kaiserslautern, in the wastes of Bastille... a dark figure looked out of the station window over the Minefield, watching the occasional flash of light as a 'prisoner' would attempt at and fail at freedom.
After a while, the figure walked from the window to a communications console, and spoke. His target, an individual in the New York system. Someone legendary and powerful. In a cold, mechanistic tone, the figure spoke...
Satisfied with the Implications of this, the figure turned and resumed staring out into the Minefield...
"Herr Karl, can you come here? Ich need you to be an Elf." Udo asked.
Karl looked up from the book on Bretonian baked goods that he was reading when he heard the all too familiar tone of Udo's voice. "An elf?" he asked, puzzled by this latest development. "What kind of elf do you mean?"
With that he stood and walked over toward Udo. Seeing him dressed in the Santa suit, Karl grinned widely. "Oh, it's holiday time, ja? How come you get to be Santa?"
"Yeah!" Karl's wife Linda said, "Mein honey is getting to be quite a large jolly man himself!"
"In any case, I hope Nurse Olga doesn't try to steal the presents, ja?"
"Ja, but ich need to do trainink so ich can deliver die presents. Es says ich will habe to go down chimneys und be able to eat all of die cookies und drink milk without dyink." Udo said, reading the memo given to him by the Ghost.
"Also, es says somethink about 'carry dog treats'... was?
Also, ich cannot fit all of die presents into mein Eagle. Can ich use your Behemoth, Karl?"
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