Psychotherapy

[Manticore]

July 12, 820 AS

The wind was blowing a summer squall in from the coast, and sheets of rain buffeted James Lambert as he shuffled up the steps of the brown office building at Fort Bragg. Once inside, he paused briefly and attempted to smooth some of the water off his uniform before making his way upstairs. Lambert wore service dress blues today - as he did every time he had to visit this place – and his uniform was distinguished by the telltale fades of recently-removed rank stripes on his sleeves and collar.

He pushed open the heavy oak door, nodded when the receptionist waved him through, and stepped into Commander Draper’s office. The office had a warm yet distinguished feel to it, with high mahogany paneling, walls painted in a deep blue, and richly detailed paintings decorating the walls. Draper stood from behind his desk, gesturing for Lambert to take a seat in one of the plush chairs on the other side of the office.

The Commander settled into the chair across from Lambert, frowning as usual. “You had to wear those again, didn’t you?” he said with a sigh.

Lambert nodded, remaining rigid even in the comfortable chair.

Draper shot him a sharp look, then said, “You know, I do have a mess dress uniform. Perhaps I’ll wear it next time we’re scheduled to meet. That way we’ll both look ridiculous.”

He eyed Lambert for a long moment, waiting for a response. When none was offered, he sighed again and reached for the notepad he kept on the small table next to his chair. “Very well, let’s begin. Have you had any strange dreams recently?”

Lambert paused. “No, sir.”

Draper glared at him again. “We don’t have to play this game again, Ensign. This isn’t about the Navy, or the chain of command. It’s about you and me. So please, call me ‘Jeffrey’, or ‘Doctor’, or hell, even ‘Doc’. Anything but ‘sir’ or ‘Commander’ will do. Understood?”

Another long pause, as Lambert gazed sullenly at the commander. “Yes, doctor.”

Draper frowned again, but realized it was the best he would get out of the difficult man sitting before him. “So, no dreams? Not one that you can remember?”

“No.”

“Okay…” he paused and scribbled something on his notepad. “Have you heard from Pita?”

Lambert’s eyes narrowed and he glared at Draper in the same way he did every time the commander brought up that name. “No.”

“I see. And have you seen any combat since we last spoke?”

“Yes. Twice.”

“Oh? Please tell me about those experiences.”

“Killed some idiot Hacker camping a lane in New York. Easy kill. Didn’t even have armor.”

Draper scribbled some more. “Uh-huh. And the other?”

“Small Outcast fleet. Cornered them at a jumphole with a couple wings of bombers. Lost a couple men, but we got ‘em all.”

“How did it make you feel?”

“How did what make me feel?”

“Being in combat again. Killing those men. Any of it, really.”

“I didn’t feel anything. I was just doing my job again. If anything I felt happy killing those bastards.”

Draper nodded. “Uh-huh. And how do you feel about being back in the Navy?”

“I don’t understand the question.”

The commander sighed. “Your job. How do you feel about it?”

“I’m angry.”

“Why are you angry?”

Lambert’s eyes lit up, and he leaned forward. “Because I went through years of struggle to become an officer in this fleet and then I threw it all away for nothing. Because I can’t forget how I abandoned a little girl when it mattered the most. Because now she’s gone and I’m the shame of the Navy, taking orders from a bunch of jumped-up children…”

Draper pressed again, as if he realized this might be his only opportunity to delve deeper. “Why did you leave Liberty in the first place?”

“Damn it, I was scared. Okay? The… girl had left me to look for that blasted Rogue and I thought she was gone forever. I was scared and I panicked.”

He paused for a moment. “And, well… I’ve always been able to run away from things like that before. So that’s what I did. I ran. Like the coward I am.”

Draper pursed his lips, obviously choosing his next words carefully. “James, did you run because you were afraid, or because you thought you had failed?”

Lambert froze. “I… well…” he paused, his voice much quieter now. “I guess I had thought I’d failed Pita. Failed another child… I just couldn’t bear that.”

“That’s not fear, Mr. Lambert. It doesn’t make you a coward.”

“I’m not sure…” Lambert said, the indecision evident in his voice.

“Why did you leave Liberty without notifying anyone? You could’ve avoided most of this,” gesturing at the removed rank insignia, “if you’d just requested some time away. Nobody would’ve faulted you for that.”

“I… had a transmission prepared for Hale. Wrote the whole damn thing out the night I left, with a request to be transferred to reserves and an indefinite leave of absence. But I never sent it.”

“Why not?”

“Because I wasn’t planning on ever coming back.”

Draper nodded, writing a few more notes on his pad. “What were you planning to do? Drink yourself to death?”

“Something along those lines.”

“What made you change your mind?”

Lambert sighed, leaning back and closing his eyes briefly. “Tanya came and dragged me out of there, for starters…”

“Yes, with the Wayfarer?”

“Right. After that, I realized I couldn’t really just wander aimlessly again. I needed to go somewhere I could really… direct myself at a meaningful goal. And there was only one place I’d ever felt that way…”

“The Navy.”

“Right again.”

“So, what’s your plan now, James?”

Lambert opened his eyes and then, surprisingly, cracked a small smile. “I reckon I’ll just keep working as much as I can. Being busy is good for me, I think.”

“I think that’s a good plan.”

“Yeah. Well, thank you, Doctor. I actually… feel better. Never thought I’d actually hear myself admit that to you.”

Draper smiled. “Glad to help, Mr. Lambert. See you next week.”

---

[Manticore]

July 19, 820 AS

In stark contrast to the previous week’s meeting, it was a bright, beautiful day on the coast. Lambert wore his service khakis in respect to the commander’s wishes. It was only after their last session that he’d realized how petty and childish his insistence on overdressing had been.

He was ushered back into Draper’s office without delay, and took the seat across from the commander once again. He felt oddly relaxed today, whereas during all their previous meetings he’d been nervous and tense. Draper smiled and nodded, noticing Lambert’s new demeanor.

“You look good today, James. How has this week been?”

“Quite good, actually. Best week I’ve had since getting back in the service, I think.”

“Why don’t you tell me about it?” Draper said, reaching for his notepad.

“Well, I barely did any time in the cockpit, mostly doing some refresher training and finishing up some of the paperwork I’d been putting off.”

“How was that?” Draper asked.

“You know, it was a nice change of pace. Less pressure, and I even had a bit of downtime.”

“Did you go back to Denver?”

“Denver? No… I stayed on base for the most part.” Lambert frowned, obviously thinking.

“Do you have any intention of going back to your house?”

Lambert paused, then shrugged. “I guess I’ll have to go back at some point, but it just… won’t be the same without…”

“Yes, but it’s still yours, James. Even if it’s empty.”

“I don’t think I could live there anymore. Not by myself.”

“You don’t have to live there again if you don’t want to. But you need to go back, at least to settle things for yourself. Sell the place if that’s what you want to do, but you need resolution. Things like that will quietly eat away at you for a long time if you let them.”

Lambert sighed. “Okay… I’ll go. It won’t be easy but I’ll do it.”

“Good man,” Draper fixed Lambert with a sharp look, “And I’ll be looking forward to hearing about it next time I see you.”

Lambert nodded, understanding that he’d be held accountable.

“What about your cardamine? Have you found a new source for that?”

“No… but I’m nearly through my current supply.”

“And you haven’t heard from your old supplier? That Kusari woman you’d dealt with before?”

“Akaisha? No, she hasn’t been sighted in Liberty for months now. And I don’t particularly feel like being forced to take the street version of the drug.”

“Then what are you going to do?”

“Well, there’s no way in hell I’m dealing directly with the Outcasts or Junkers. And I can’t exactly put up an advertisement on the ‘net…”

“Well, I’m afraid you can’t expect the Navy’s help either. So, what are your options?”

“I suppose I’m going to have to put out feelers with a few reasonable unlawful people I’ve run across. I suppose trying Akaisha one last time wouldn’t hurt either.”

“Good. Like it or not, you need the drug now. Best not play with fire any more than you already have to.”

Lambert sighed, then nodded.

“So, anything else to share with me?” Draper asked.

“Well, I got a little bit of good news this week at least. They’re considering giving me back the Mesa Verde, my old Bison. In a sense, at least.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. I’d be the XO, and it would be commanded by some Lieutenant named Falkland. Never heard of the guy but he’s a fairly recent transfer to the primary fleet.”

“I think that would be an excellent idea. Having a chance to ease back into a leadership role will be good for you. I’d imagine if you do well, you’d be CO again pretty quickly.”

“I can hope. It will be good to spend some time among the marines again, too.”

Draper nodded. “I think that’s enough for today, James. See you next week.”

---

[Manticore]

July 26, 820 AS

Lambert settled into his chair across from the commander. It had been a difficult week, but he was beginning to feel a faint hope that things might actually turn out better this time around.

Draper smiled at him. “So, Mr. Lambert. How was the week? Any news regarding your cardamine needs?”

Lambert suppressed the urge to sigh, having known this would be one of the first topics to come up. “Unfortunately, no. The Kusari woman did not get back to me – I’m beginning to worry something may have happened to her. And my other feelers have yet to return any useful leads.”

Draper gave him an intent look. “So how long do you think you have, exactly?”

Lambert looked away, thinking. “If I stretch things, I can probably get two weeks. No more than that, though.”

Draper nodded solemnly. “Make sure you get that resolved however necessary. Understood?”

Lambert’s spine straightened by reflex. “Yes, si- uh, Doctor.”

“Good. What else happened this week?”

“Well, actually… I ran into Chloe in New York.”

Draper looked confused for a moment. “Who is she?”

Lambert looked away for a long moment. “Chloe is a highly-ranked member of the Unione Corse, from Gallia. She was the one there that night… the night the alien attacked us. The next morning Pita left, and I went to look for her.”

The psychologist nodded, gesturing for Lambert to continue.

“And… well… this was the first time I’d seen her since.” He bit off a bitter addendum.

“How was your talk with her?”

“She was friendly, but cold. I don’t think she trusts me anymore… hell, I sure wouldn’t were I in her shoes. She told me she’d been reassigned, and would be headed back home soon.”

“How do you feel about that?”

“Honestly? A little relieved. I’m not sure if there was anything there with her, but if there was… I’ve long since spoiled it. Might as well just focus on the things that’ll be here in Liberty.”

Draper smiled. “Excellent, Mr. Lambert. It’s good that you’re looking forward again. Don’t close yourself off to Chloe, but yes, you should stay focused on what you can control.”

Lambert nodded, allowing himself to smile a little bit too. “As for the house… I went back.”

“And?”

“I think I’m going to have to sell the place. The ghosts there are just too… too real for me right now. But I’m glad I went back, even if just to settle things with myself.”

“Excellent, Mr. Lambert. I knew you’d make the right decision in that regard.” The commander scribbled some notes on his pad.

Lambert nodded, a solemn look on his face. “As for the Mesa Verde, I report for duty there later this afternoon, actually. Apparently the entire unit has been reassembled, and the Skipper wants to do a few exercises in Virginia.”

Draper nodded, writing more. “And how do you feel about serving as executive officer?”

Lambert shrugged. “It’ll give me something to do at least. Hell, maybe the Skipper will let me accompany the marines on some of their operations. That might be a nice change of pace.”

“I noticed in your file that you were an expert-rated sharpshooter with your pistol. Have you done any training with marine kit?”

“Not any formal training, but I’ve been involved with some shipboard combat since joining the Navy. Especially on Buffalo and with that operation in Humboldt.”

Draper nodded, knowing Lambert was referencing the op where he’d rescued Pita. “One last thing. Any dreams or nightmares this week?”

Lambert hesitated, thinking. “Actually, no. For the last two weeks I’ve been sleeping like a baby. Guess those meds you gave me finally decided to kick in. It’s been… nice.”

Draper beamed. “Fantastic. I was hoping the drugs would kick in sooner, but I’m glad they’re doing the job now.”

He paused, giving the man in the chair opposite him a long, searching look. “Well, Mr. Lambert, your progress these last few weeks has been remarkable. I intend to update High Command to that effect, and perhaps I’ll even throw in a recommendation that you should be reinstated.”

He smiled.

“Lambert looked surprised. “That is… uh… thank you, Doctor. I appreciate your candor.”

The doctor nodded. “Do us proud, Mr. Lambert. We’ll continue meeting so I can check up on your progress, but let’s stretch them out to every two weeks. Acceptable?”

Lambert nodded, and couldn’t help but smile.

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