Nivek is here with her, but she feels completely and utterly alone.
'He's hiding it', Jaina thinks to herself, but she can see- No. She can feel that he's afraid of her.
After everything that happened today, She can't blame him.
If only she'd have allowed Sarah to die in the cab last year when she was supposed to, things would be so different now.
She doesn't know how to fix this.
------
Nivek is riding the train back to the spaceport.
Jaina is with him, but after everything that happened today, he's afraid of her.
He's hiding it, and doesn't know what to do next.
If only he hadn't watched a psycho murder a pregnant woman in the coffee shop just a couple hours after being told about her, things would be different now.
He's considering cutting his losses and leaving her, but he feels completely and utterly conflicted.
'Today', Nivek thinks to himself, 'is a horrible day'.
"I've lost it." Nivek mumbled quietly. "I've gone completely insane."
In his mind, he asked himself: 'What other explanation could there possibly be?'
He replayed the day over and over again in his mind, and none of it makes any logical sense.
'She tells me a story about a woman that almost burns to death in a traffic accident, and a year to the day, that same woman still burns to death?'
'Her weird deal about getting me to pick numbers and running all over the arts district? 66, 3, 7?'
'She drags me onto a train from platform 66, we ride 3 stops, and wait 7 minutes in a coffee shop for a friend of hers who then, just so happens to walk in the door??'
'No. F**k that. I'm being played. It's all some elaborate long con or something.'
His heart jumps into the internal monologue and issues a challenge to his logic:
To what end? You were the one that spotted the white rabbit. You were the one to drag her into the coffee shop. You were the one who picked the numbers.
Logic was forced to admit that since it was a murder-suicide, a long con was most definitely a longshot.
His heart continued: Remember how it felt? Everything was perfect the moment you walked in the door with her...How do we explain that?
Logic started to say something, but backed down.
'What about the night I met her?' Nivek asked himself. 'She did say she was going to kill me last.'
That's the moment you fell in love with her though. His heart said.
Besides, you know she was joking. Logic agreed.
'Maybe deep down I want to die, and just took it as a joke?' Nivek hypothesized.
Nope. Logic has a point, said Nivek's survival instinct. I can promise you that we don't want to die...not even a little.
Without another word, Survival Instinct went back down to where it came from & continued to keep a very suspicious eye on Jaina.
You can't leave her. his heart volunteered. Until the day you actually die, you'll never forgive yourself if you do.
Logic chimed back in: Y'know, if she loves us back as Heart believes, then she can let us go for a little while to figure things out, yeah?
We can live with that! Survival Instinct yelled up from deep within the psyche.
'Looks like it's two vs. one.' Nivek said to himself.
Heart flipped the finger on both hands, and stomped off to go chill out.
When Jaina stepped off the train with Nivek at Spaceport Station, and he told her that he needed time away to think, he seemed so cold about it. So heartless.
Since the instant he flinched at her touch earlier, she felt like she was sinking.
Since that moment, she thought they would work it out. She imagined that today might become their first fight. She hoped that he would accept her when she told him everything.
She fantasized about the make up sex, and dreamed of when everything goes back to normal...The way it was only yesterday.
She didn't expect this.
He just simply walked away...and not towards the terminal where their home together is docked.
Jaina went to see a movie at the spaceport multiplex. She's not sure which one she picked, nor does she care. She's not paying attention to it anyway. All she wants to do right now is kill time.
That, and just curl up and hide in the dark.
------
Nivek went into one of the gift shops inside the spaceport. He's not sure what he wants to buy, but he likes to think he'll know it when he sees it. Part of him wants to go back to Jaina and admit he acted rashly, but he's not paying attention to that part right now.
The part of him he is listening to just wants to find a random transport and hide himself somewhere up in the black.
------
Jaina leaves the spaceport and walks the streets at random. She doesn't pay attention to where she's going, but hears a hot dog vendor off in the distance hawking his crap.
It took her a moment to realize she's been retracing her steps. In a moment of nostalgia, she buys one off the vendor and takes a bite.
After a few chews, it was exactly like she thought it would be.
She spits the nasty glob into a dustbin by the wall, and tosses the the rest away.
She feels the urge to buy another one. She doesn't question why, she just does it. She experiences another wave of loneliness sweep over her, so she buys two. One for her, and one for Nivek.
She knows it's a waste of money, but asks the vendor to toss them in a bag, to go.
Carrying it with her as she moved on somehow made her feel a little better.
------
Nivek picks a transport at random, and leaves the spaceport. He didn't pay attention to where it was headed, and arrives at Newark Station. He hasn't eaten in hours, so he finds his way to the food court.
He feels the urge to buy a hot dog. He hates hot dogs, but he's hungry and doesn't question it. After he finishes, he buys two more to take with him on his next flight, and asks the vendor to toss them in a bag.
He picks another transport randomly, and as he walks through the tunnel to get on board the ship, he feels another wave of regret and loneliness wash over him.
He imagines that he's saving one of the dogs he's carrying for Jaina, and in a small way, it somehow helps him feel a little better.
Feeling a touch masochistic, Jaina walks about a mile, and finds herself standing across the street from a diner, in the same spot she stood a year ago.
There's not a single thing out of the ordinary. No evidence of the damage that happened here. No reminders of the two people who died here.
Life goes on.
Jaina crosses the street and stands on the sidewalk where the taxi crashed. There was nothing here. No feeling of certainty, and no sense of inevitability. There was someone here though.
Through the large window, was a small child of maybe five, sitting at a booth eating night-time pancakes across from his mother. She didn't even notice him until he tapped on the glass.
He waved at her with a bright smile, and she waved back at him with the best smile she could muster.
Encouraged, the little five year old pushed his face into the glass, puffed out his cheeks, and exhaled a big, slobbery blowfish.
That made Jaina truly smile. To show her gratitude, she knelt down to his level, put her face to the glass, and puffed out a slobbery blowfish of her own.
She completely made that child's day, and she walked on.
------
When Jaina got to the alley, she had to stop.
"Please, no." she whispered at the feeling when it came over her. "Please not now."
She stepped into the dark alley and found a man sitting behind the diner, hidden from the street by shadows and dumpsters.
This is where she needed to be.
The man reeked of booze and piss, but she took a seat beside him, and they shared the silence together.
With tears staining his face, and without turning his head to acknowledge her arrival, he simply said:
They continued sitting on the ground against the wall in the alley as another minute passed in their paired silence, broken only by the growl of the man's stomach.
Voicelessly, she pulled out one of the hot dogs from her to-go bag and gave it to him, and unwrapped the other for herself. Her dislike of the food didn't matter. He deserved to share his final meal with someone.
Afterwards, another few wordless minutes passed before he professed to her: "I remember you."
This rattled Jaina, but she kept her poker face.
She turned her neck to face him and after a couple of beats, she realized that she recognized him as well. He was the taxi driver.
Playing it straight, she said, "I remember you too."
She spent the next hour with him as he talked about his life since the crash.
She listened to his confessional of the deep remorse for the deaths he caused, the depression he spiraled into, the family he drove away, and the death he felt he deserves.
Eventually, after wiping the tears from his eyes, he asked her, "You're here to take me then?"
"Honestly," she replied, "that's entirely up to you...but yes."
"You can still change your mind," she continued, "It's not too late. If you want, I can help you."
"I appreciate the offer, but no thank you." he said with a quiet tone of finality.
Jaina's heart was completely crushed as those words rang deafeningly through her mind, but she just can't take any more pain today and continued to hide it.
She stood up, knelt to look him in the eye, and asked him: "Any last requests?"
Without hesitation he said, "Yes."
"Please don't let me die alone."
She held his face in her hands to complete the circuit, kissed him on the forehead, and told him:
"I won't let you die alone."
She turned her back when he pulled out the knife and asked her not to watch.
When he slid the blade up his veins, it made no sound.
She stood close by as she promised, and watched over him for the rest of his life.
He didn't plan on it, but when the transport Nivek booked passage on landed on Los Angeles, he decided to disembark. He's never been on surface before, but Jaina talked about it alot in the past few weeks. They made plans to road trip here together soon, but as they say, 'sh*t happens'
Maybe it was masochism, but for whatever reason, he booked a flight across the globe to her hometown.
When he landed, he grabbed public transport to her neighborhood. When he arrived there, he took a seat at the bus stop and took a few minutes to wonder if coming was a bad idea.
While he debated his options, an old man with long, bright grey hair approached him and asked, "Hey man, you got a cigarette?"
Nivek didn't answer. He was staring at the picture of a bunny rabbit printed on the mans shirt, and was feeling some intense De'ja Vu.
"Hey guy, my eyes are up here." The old man interrupted. "You got a cigarette or not?"
"Nah. I don't smoke." he said, and the old man muttered his disappointment and walked away.
Nivek shot up, went after him and yelled, "Wait! I wanna ask you something!"
"When I said I didn't smoke, what did you say?"
"What does it matter?" the old man replied.
"C'mon man, just tell me. Please."
The old man gave him a skeptical look, and finally quoted himself:
"I said, Oh well. It was worth a roll of the dice."
Nivek had an epiphany. He shook the old man's hand, and jogged the short way back to the bus stop.
The old man continued back on his way and grumbled, "Moron!" over his shoulder as it started to rain.
------
He pulled the pair of dice that he bought at random back at a gift shop on Manhattan, and shook them in his hand as he came up with the rules he would follow:
'Everytime I come to a turn, if I roll one through six, I go left. If I roll seven through twelve, I go right.
'If I roll a double six, I follow the white rabbit.'
------
Twenty minutes, five rights, four lefts, and two white rabbits later, Nivek finds himself in a pub.
An hour later, he's drunk at the bar, feeling sorry...not for himself...just sorry.
A guy orders a beer and takes a seat next to him.
A minute after that, the guy says into his beer, " In spite all of it's flaws, the Universe is a perfect machine."
Nivek turns his head to the guy with an inebriated, squnity-eyed 'don't bug me' look.
The guy raises his hands with an innocent surrender gesture and says, "This is a locals bar and we don't normally get outsiders in here...I'm just trying to be friendly to the tourist, that's all."
"Fair 'nuff." Nivek says before upending his 6th lager.
"So, what's her name?"
"Excuse Me?" Nivek responds combatively.
"Her name. In my experience, when I see people drink like you do, it's usually over a girl." the guy responds in his defense.
Jaoquin paid for his drink and f**ked off as per request, and returned to the table he came from.
As Nivek thinks down into his empty glass, a woman takes a seat next to him and orders a glass of red wine.
She turns towards him and asks, "What are you drinking?"
"Nothing." he says without looking up.
"Probably a good thing at this point." she responded, as the took her glass from the bartender and returned to the table she came from.
A minute later, a woman takes a seat next to him and orders herself a glass of white, and a plate of appetizers.
"What are you thinking?" she asked.
"Nothing." he told the blonde woman just as he did the readhead previously.
"I don't believe that for a second." she offered in retort.
"No offense," Nivek said to her as he lifted his head to look her in the eye, "but I just want to be left alone."
The woman went on, ignoring his answer: "I'm going to order you a coffee, and I invite you to join my friends and I over there at our table...It's entirely your choice, but sometimes, I think it's worth it to take a chance and roll the dice."
She paid for her drink and returned to the table she came from as her parting words rang in Niveks' mind.
Nivek took the woman's advice and reached into his pocket. When he rolled a double six on the bar, he followed his third white rabbit.
As he took the seat that was waiting for him, the blonde woman welcomed him with a warm smile, and made introductions.
"I'm Keighley Mackenzie, that's Alia Daeva, and you've already met Joaquin."
Nivek shook each of their hands in turn, returning the courtesy.
As he drank his coffee and shared in their plate of finger foods, Nivek was pleasantly surprised at how quickly they helped his mood improve. They were charming, disarming, and each one of them seemed genuinely interested in what he had to say, instead of simply waiting for their turn to speak.
He found it easy to like them.
The time passed quickly, and when the pub owner announced last call, Joaquin steered the conversation.
"Where are you staying while in town?"
Nivek was embarrassed to admit that he hasn't planned that far ahead, and was worried, because the bulk of his funds were spent getting here, and he didn't have anywhere to go.
Alia rested a reassuring hand on his shoulder, and let him know that they could help him if he asked for it.
Keighley expanded to explain that they all work together in a shop across the street, and each of them have apartments up on the floor above it.
Nivek felt the sting of pride and graciously declined their charity.
"We're not offering charity." Joaquin said to him. "You are more than welcome to crash on any one of our couches tonight that you choose, but nothing is ever free, and it will cost you."
"How much?" Nivek inquired, still embarrassed, despite Alia and Keighley's encouragement.
"When I approached you at the bar earlier tonight," Joaquin went on, "I asked you a question."
"What is her name?" He asked Nivek for the second time tonight.
His embarrassment was replaced by a fair bit of defensiveness as he replied, "Why do you want to know?"