Whirlwind of a week. Many changes to navigate, other people, me, the sector. Second chance on the landing pad, so I'll take it as it is. Grateful for Rebecca. Continues to complicate with Kris, Levan... only one everyone trusts is me. Trying to balance them all, both senses of the word. Current approach an improvement over before. So far.
Opened up to Becky. She asked. Always the listener me, rarely the heard. Felt odd at first. I'm known to ramble if I start. Perhaps why I choose to listen. Didn't matter. My point made it across. Reason why I took so many risks. Didn't want to hear it myself, but I knew. After Skagen, decided no more running. Lost composure, but she was there to lean on. I did. Then lost discipline. Flashes, instinct, and something unexpected. A flow of understanding. The two of us heard so clearly.
She loosened up, free, just for a moment. The weight was gone. Trusted me, needed no mask. Almost never seen her like that. Concerning. What did I do? Was never so easy to reach without Her. Am I on a pedestal? A lot to live up to. Convinced me not to live for the past, what I owed. Need to build the present. Will experiment further with capabilities. Own senses are necessary at least, no intervening medium. Feels like I become someone else. Someone in-tune. Hurts, often. Cities especially, too loud. Still, I don't regret this. I choose not to.
Need facilities to collate real data. On me, on others. Gryphon should have some. Brad's eager to have me aboard - same for me. Missed my colleagues. In fact, thinking about SNOWBLIND. Gestalt's dalliance into historical pseudoscience. Demystifying the impossible, a shot in the dark. Wonder if I still have read-access?
Working for Mister Hart in the meantime. Earns my place, makes a home. Won't let someone else make it for me. Well-connected for a shipyard official. Sharp. Feels like he sees through me. I look back. Appraising sort of man. Enterprising. Not ill-natured, I think. Might be wrong. Noora picked an intelligent man. Left the Coalition she said, came here. Some political shakeup, personal. I didn't pry. She's in good hands now, barring more Corsairs. Still guilty about that.
Orrin needs satellite data. Provided some cryptokeys. Wants them inserted in various sat computers, need to EVA. Prefers I am not seen. Oddly cloak-and-dagger. That and meeting shipyard reps at Newport, Livadia, others.
It's a start. Can make something of it. Have to, before all gets out of control again. Will be ready when it does.
Set out to cross items off the list. Trusted in the Dandelion and its armor. Safeguarded my mother, and now me. Better family than we turned out to be to each other. Still, hearts can be opened - maybe it can be different. Survival comes first. Praying they have, too.
K'hara activity rising across the Edge Worlds, especially Theta. Inauspicious timing, Delta and Kappa my destinations. What's sparked this? Something's motivating the Mindshare. No longer content to bide time? Circumstances've changed, but I'm not sure how. So distant...
Pains me, but know better now than to go digging so soon. Travail likely ending in a demise a mite more permanent. That is if I am lucky.
Passing through Omega-11, discovered diamonds aboard an adrift DHC miner. Valuable on Freeport 11, I figured. Trip through Theta didn't draw any envious eyes, human or otherwise. Relaxing conversation with an NCC captain named Owens. Cleared some misconceptions about the faith, very much welcome. Impersonators on Canaria bear ill-intent - organized crime? Or perhaps more to it than it seems. Suppose it's unimportant for now. Waved me off of suspected Wild presence in-system. Dutiful man.
Arrived on the Freeport without incident. Deep Omicrons, swimming with tension, floods the very space I move through. Distracting. I remember we used to say the air felt different here, slimmest idea of how right we were. And when the room is quiet... a faint melody, haunting and discordant. Hushed tones that leave one unsure if they were imagined.
I remember a Crest F.M. pick. "Knock Me Down". Redirects attention, and it's a great rhythm. Best not to stay long, and as it happens, had little reason to. Was concerned how to subvert on-board satellite security to plant Orrin's line shunt. A moot point - no satellite. Old comm-sat near the Freeport was dismantled I think. Bad news for him. Relief for me.
Searched the spot where it was, to make sure. Scanners picked up inconsistent readings from a supposedly collapsed jump hole. Intriguing, wanted to get close, but antimatter passed across my bow. Turned around on the spot after that. Will be keeping that little experience to myself. At least sold the diamonds, and heard rumors about an Omicron Pi system now phase aligned nearby. Active artifacts lay within. Tempting but perilous.
Doubled back and stopped in Kappa on the way. Second time ever seeing Livadia. The shipyard contacts confirmed the quantities of parts orders needed for the coming year. Also confirmed that 41 and Theta are the focal points of alien activity based on recent sightings, Kappa remains quiet. Save for the Core conquest of Gammu of course - but old news. Not for me. Went to lay eyes on their massive citadel from orbit, swarming with Core looters now. Deeply pitiable. I hope for '34 and Feedback, but likely in vain.
Returned just fine. This time, thankfully. Found a nice spot to stargaze on my return, too. He should like that.
It's the fourth night. The fourth night I've burst awake in a sweat, nerves quaking down my back.
It's because of Her.
Levan showed me, but in all honesty I couldn't believe him. Rebecca said the same.
But there's no denying it now.
We saw Her with our own eyes. I felt the brush against our perception. Restrained, afraid... terrified. There is no mistaking who and what it was. Or what She was doing.
Waiting. For me.
That had never felt so wrong. I felt wrong.
Why would I waver now? Why would I lay eyes on that form and feel like I'd given insult by holding back?
Why would I think I was the one that was lost?
That damned yearning. Pulling me back. Through the murky memories, the blurred shapes and impossible dreams, the carefree laughter without lungs. A want for joy. Wasn't coming from Her. It was coming from me.
And I met it with all the cold resolve I had. And it hurt.
Juro commed me today, just checking in. Trying to figure out where to stick me now that Rayleigh has resigned. The whole Wiesbaden affair. She was furious about what happened to Tanley. During the call, though, Juro brought up that journaling is a good way for pilots to put meaning to their experiences in space.
So, I'd remembered that I actually have a log for that and on short review, no, no, flailing in this corner of my PDA helped nobody, least of all me. No wonder I stopped.
I mean, I do get it. The introspective affect of journaling does help people untangle their thoughts, it's true, but I achieve this with my own exercises. Honestly, if I've combusted and you're in here looking for value for posterity - aren't I humble? - look to my body of work and not in my notes, please.
Hrmm...
Wish I was successful in passing some techniques on to Becky. Less necessary for her functioning, but probably ameliorative. Wonder if she journals wh-
Urgh. I'm still journaling right now. Why?
It's you I blame, JJ. Look what you've done to me.
Okay, okay. I'll note something substantial just to lend this a little finality. Hm...
The CSC has been good to me. Getting back into a routine and integrating on Canaria have set my priorities straight. The role of a survey pilot is, em, I won't say "peaceful", not on Canaria. I already broke that illusion, since I don't get when to keep my nose out of dangerous business. I think "low profile" is suitable, but the work I do matters at least a little to the planet's future, and that is more than I could ask for in the state I was in.
Things would be different without Levan... I'd better thank him again, it's been too long.
The Shrine has been good to me, too. I've made only a couple quiet visits, except for what happened most recently. This Baffinite amulet still astounds me. How does it mirror that signal even now? Related to properties of the Baffin Geode? I've got a hunch as to the obvious associations here, but... I still need someone sharp on material analysis. Someone I can trust with this.
Short list, but I need to see how its physical makeup factors in. The other half of it depends on me, doesn't it?
That's exciting, if a bit daunting, but I guess I've already begun. There's a resonance in it to center myself on that wasn't there before, like a single chime to the Shrine's orchestra. That's core to my meditation now, and with what it's allowed me to experience, likely for the better. I wonder if more amulets will react the same way if I take them there? I'll give it a shot.
Despite that, still struggling to parse everything that happened before I left Erie. Echoes of sounds, shapes, cutting dreams, and dull pains. Used to cripple me. Now, mostly clear memories, a few simple truths. Don't know I managed, pretending to be okay around the others. Suppose I'm well-practiced after the occupation. If there was still an opportunity to-
... no, they were right on Bethlehem. Our borrowed time had run empty. That's the cruel reality.
With all that lays in the past, regardless, it doesn't control me anymore. It's part defense mechanism and part... "life goes on", I guess? In all honesty, I feel more secure now than I have in five years. Odd to say that after so many run-ins with pirates here, but it's always having a gun facing my direction that seems to engender perspective shifts in me.
That's a habit I'd better change, I'm not made for it! Excellent for campfire tales with the other pilots, though. This I cannot deny!
Becky departed to try to sort herself out on the road; I still worry. Alex warned me well enough, but to stop her wouldn't have been right. I believe she's running towards a solution for herself this time, not away from it. That is up to her. Kris, on the other hand, can't keep himself clear of anyone trying to force dependency on him. Ever lacking a spacer's savvy. He is still in one piece after his recent trouble... more or less. Desperate as usual, but with his upcoming plans, maybe he'll remember I exist, without needing me for something. Hope he can stay low.
At least Zack is still aboard to talk my ear off. He puts out a lot of bluster, but he's shockingly intelligent. Real ego about it. Engineers, right?
Rayleigh quitting for Cambridge means I've got no flight leader. We'll see what Juro decides to do with me. Maybe I'll lead Wing 9? It's been years since I led anything, but someone has to fulfill the role. Thankfully nobody I've met in the Walker remembers me for my last attempt. Not yet, anyway. The most infamy I've earned is by sharing a name with "the boy in the OSC promotions". I just smile and nod, honestly.
Until then, I'll expend my leave one way or another.
That... will be all for now, I suppose. Again for if you're peeking, do try not to speculate too much. Do a favor for the next friend you see. That's a better use of our shared mortality, don't you think?
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