Message to: All 1st Flax Employees and Stockholders
Comm ID: Waverly, CEO
I am happy to announce a resoundlinly good quarterly report, folks.
Business is bluming. Our krafty marketing has hit demand square in the midsection, leveling competion.
I am also announcing a dividend of 4.235 Million each to all employees and shareholders in 1st Flax, Church of Eris Enterprises, Laughing Goddess Bakeries, and Fields of Gold LLC. (Of course FoG LLC made absolutely no profit again this quarter due to our pricing structure.. but what a great employee discount, eh?)
Oh, I'm terrible with math. I'm rounding it off to a nice High 5! My treat.
Message to: Sirius General Comms
Comm ID: Pops Waverly
This is to notify anyone concerned that the Veranda Incognita gates have been locked, coded to retina scans, and fortified with 2 12 terawatt lasers.
Due to the severe wobble in the Chao detected by the FnordNet monitoring stations, we are restricting access to the plantation, effective immediately; and continuing until we can make some bloody guesses at what's going on.
If you are not known to me, or have not been specifically invited to the Veranda, prepare to be sliced and diced.
Mal, your crew has been vetted and coded. Transponder YTC-23 something, you make a mean barbecue. Vetted and coded. (Got a scan of your baby blues at the last weiner roast.)
Ambassador Gideon, please contact me upon your return for the necessary access codes.
Kingpin, your representative has also been vetted and coded. We will be keeping apprised by comms of progress on the "contract"
Sorry to do this, folk. Even my augmented Pineal is having difficulty wrapping itself around the current political situation in Bretonia. Until more is known, we are locked down.
"Hi! Just dropping in with the replacement thruster parts. Tell your wierd disembodied voice thingy, thanks from me. By the way, name's Kell, Al Kell. Think I forgot to mention it at the BBQ. And here's a box of beer as a thanks for the friendly welcome to the neighbourhood. Got to get back to the Cruiser before XM gets angry with the latest repair job and starts smashing things again. Oh, and feel free to drop by the place if you want to make use of the relaxing environment. Later!"
"Ahoy Mal, Kingpin here. My representative is off at his Yule-Tide party, but I was wondering; Does your plantation have juniper bushes? I've been searching for one ever since I heard of their existence. I feel... drawn to them.
Anyways, that 'Frog' Chappie, one of those Crazy Revolutionaries, asked me to bring you this... "
Whips out a Bottle of Genuine 'Johnnie Talker' Scotch
"Said something about some Scottish Guy, with a funny title. Those Scots, always making up words.
Anyhoo, I should be going, everyones celebrating Yule-Tide this rotation with loads of debauchery and indulgence, and I need to be there to profit from it."
"Ciao!" (Dodges a terrawatt laser on the way out)
"Oy! And can I get a retinal scan thingie going? I just got me coat singed!"
Jack Handey Wrote:I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
An echoing voice reverberates from a 40,000 watt loudspeaker system hanging to off the main gate:
"Mr Kingpin! Please present yourself at the main gate for retinal coding. Be sure to stare into the concave scanner input, not the convex laser aperture. We want to scan your eye, not melt it!"
Shortly, a dapper man in a mohair suitcoat, with a perfect still-smoking hole in the coattail returned cautiously up the path. He submitted to the requested scan; and then jumped as the gate began to swing open, to reveal Pops standing just inside the grounds.
"Mr Kingpin! Happy to make your acquaintance. I assume this is a pleasure call, from the gifts you bear. If it's regarding the business we discussed with Shamus last weekend, you're still a bit premature, as the principles have not entered final negotiations yet.
"Now as to "juniper bushes": They're actually a tree.. an evergreen.. and they don't grow around these parts. You'll have to go to higher elevations to find them, sir. I assume you're wanting them for some alcoholic distillations. I suggest you give up the search, and accept a case of Blue Sapphire instead. Why trouble yourself with all the interim steps, when we can get instant gratification. Please follow me up to the veranda, where I keep the ice and tonic ready to go."
"Have you met my new neighbor, Al Kell? Perhaps we should mosey down to his glade, and see if he'd care to join us for cocktails. I was getting a bit tired of the julips, anyway."
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