This documents the final moments of the BAF auxillery flag officer, Vance Sinker.
(//WARNING; THE CONTENTS OF THIS THREAD ARE COMPLETELY MAD, ABO REALLY LOST THE PLOT THIS TIME)
Somewhere, at some point in time, before the point at which this was documented, a tiny shuttle launched from HMS-Dreadnought carries the flag officer, the executive officer, and the chauffeur. The chauffeur pilots the ship (that's why he's a chauffeur), whilst the other two drink tea as if no doom is coming there way at all. (But it is, and I'm sure you've realized by now. If not, go read something less intellectual and wonderfully articulated, e.g, the writing on a birthday cake.) Anyway...
"Ahh...This tea is nice...Don't you agree err...whoever you are..." The executive officer looks most displeased at Sinkers apparent forgetfulness,(and no, I don't remember his name either. I'll just refer to him as Brian for the stories sake.) "I do hope that the Admiral...Mr...something-richard-hall is it?...Doesn't find out about this. He was most displeased the last time we had tea without inviting him..." A huge bang is heard outside, and the shuttle shakes for a while. The blokes inside don't know it, but they've just been snagged by a pirate ship. The gentlemen determinedly clench their tea cups, and not a single drop is spilt.(Although the chauffeur drops his hat, and spends a few minutes grovelling in the cramped cockpit looking for it.) "I say...What a racket..." "Indeed" Suddenly, the room is filled with smoke, and with a huge explosion, the side of the shuttle is taken off. The gentlemen are unphased, and continue with their tea. But the chauffeur is sent flying. (about 4 inches, into the side of the cockpit.) "Oh bladdy 'ell I've really done it this time..."The chauffeur scrambles into the broom closet, which rather (un)conveniently, takes up most of the room in the cockpit. Meanwhile, in the main part of the shuttle, a dark figure emerges from the smoke. It is the infamous pirate, captain...Bertie. Bertie cackles maliciously, as he steps into the sight of what was a clean tea room, but now looks like a bomb site, with a tea table and two mad gents still enjoying a cup of tea."Aha, I've found you now mister Sinker. I'll sink ye now."Bertie cackles at his own joke, although it has gotten rather old and unoriginal. The two gents are still not paying any attention about 6 minutes of laughing later. So Bertie gets a bit mad. "OI! PAY ATTENTION WHEN YOU'RE ABOUT TO DIE" Sinker glances up from his tea."First of all, my good sir, there's a line to join if you wish to kill me...he nods in the direction of the back of the shuttle, where several tired looking assassins stand, patiently waiting to kill the gent."...And secondly, I'm trying to enjoy a civilized tea-drinking session here, if you'll excuse me..." Bertie looks at the line of sorry-looking assassins, who'd clearly been here for a while. They range from suspicious folk, to non-suspicious folk. (Indeed, Sinker had annoyed quite a lot of people during his career, including many of his allies in the BAF)."Aww come on lads, let's 'ave us this bounty..." The assassins look up from the ground, and all look a bit depressed. Bertie realizes somewhere in his small mind that maybe this killing will not be simple. But he's a pirate, and pirates like to kill things first, then think. Or just not think at all. So he unsheathes a pistol, and raises it at the Flag Officer.
The bullet falls several inches away from the Flag Officer, being blocked by his legendary Sabre. (Which is considered obsolete in the BAF, and he probably hasn't got permission to even own it.). Bertie gapes, then reloads, and fires at the executive officer.
Brian flies across the room, clutching his chest as a flow of vermillion pours out. He finally let's go of his tea cup and sits up, still bleeding heavily.
"I say sir, he shot me so he did." "Indeed mr Brian" "Clean through me organs sir." "Indeed" (Sinker is still unmoved, and continues with his tea, in-fact, he barely even pretends to notice his fallen colleague/friend) "I think this is the end of me career sir..." "Probably..." "Tell me family, I love 'em." "You don't have a family, Brian" "Oh Right. Well, could you at least avenge me sir?" "All in good time, Brian, all in good time..." And with that, Brian just fell over and died, without so much as a groan. "Brian, fetch me another tea would you?..."
...
"Can't get the staff these days can you...Get back up you lazy sod Brian..." "He looks dead to me you idiot." "Indeed he does. I'll have to report this to the admiral; my soldiers dying without my say. Honestly."
At this remark Bertie sighs, and goes to join the queue.
Several hours of mind-numbingly boring watching of the Flag Officer drinking tea later... "Alright, who's first for the assassination thing?"
A mad scramble occurs, clearly they just want to get this killing over and done with, but at the same time the same basic queue shape is kept, Sinker being known for OCD tendencies.
Captain Bertie steps up First.
"Alright lad, time to die..."
Captain Bertie falls down, struck clean through the brain by a stick of celery.
"Next..."
The next assassin looks about half as confident, and the laser that is fired from his shaking rifle ricochets harmlessly around the room. Well, not really. Most of the occupants of the room die, including Brian, who wasn't quite as dead as we first thought.
And with that, only one assassin was left.
"That was fast. Well, I guess I'll try to fight you, just to say I actually did something today...Sinkers sabre become a blurr, slicing around the room like...a big slicy fast blurr thing. It would've made Swiss cheese of the assassin, if Swiss cheese was existant in Sirius, and if it was sliced rather than with holes in it.
The last assassin falls to the floor, in many slices.
"Oh. How disappointing. I thought I'd at least be hurt today..."
And with that, Sinker doesn't die. Right up until the point where he does.
(The shuttle literally explodes due to pressure problems, as it falls into neat slices. Indeed. Sinker had sliced the ship itself. And a portion of time and space.)
(WARNING. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO EAT SLICES OF TIME AND SPACE. THEY LOOK AND TASTE APPETIZING, BUT THEIR CONSUMPTION IS EQUAL TO THE DESTRUCTION OF THE UNIVERSE. OR NEAR ABOUTS.)
Of course, even sinker cannot survive a pressure problem such as this. The entire vessel (and the attached pirate vessel) are instantly spread across the realms of the Junk field. Evidence of DNA has been found at the sight, but no actual evidence of evidence of DNA. The Chauffeur has yet to be found, but it is suspected he will enter the new-London atmosphere sometime in the near future.