I would check for typoes though, and also here´s following feedback :
1) the colour makes it hard to read, at least for me.
2) "wall of text" . Try experimenting a little to change appearance. Indexing or using chapters ect.
3) hardest thing of all ( I mostely bust it ) : in a plot you have to ceep suspension mounting and constant. You built up some nice tension explaining how Jaeger came to the Hackers and how he felt, but them it´s like 3 sentences :
did this, collected stuff and left...
Hm... MOAR ?
I agree, nice plot you have there. This character will be interesting to encounter ingame.
Apart from the small fixes above, there's just one thing i noticed that you may want to reconsider:
Jaeger's sister gets killed by "(mostly Lane Hackers)" so he joins the Lane Hackers??
I like the idea that he blames Ageira, but perhaps change this to "(mostly Xenos)" because it doesn't make sense that Jaeger would join his sister's murderers.
My idea was that he didn't know that the Hackers killed her, and when he found out he sold the Hackers out.
Thanks allot for feedback, i will try to fix those things and start making some inGame RP now.
Thanks guys
(11-15-2014, 06:48 AM)FynnMcScrap Wrote: Nice story, good plot.
I would check for typoes though, and also here´s following feedback :
1) the colour makes it hard to read, at least for me.
2) "wall of text" . Try experimenting a little to change appearance. Indexing or using chapters ect.
copy/paste and quote to show you what I meant with #chapters and #indent as an excemple :
Quote :
Name:Alan Jaeger Year of birth:790 A.S Place of Birth:Planet Denver Graduation:Denver technological University Employeements:Ageira Technologies Citizen Data: Believed to be a highly dangerous criminal (on current investigation by the Liberty Police department)
*****The rest of this file is classified and needs finger print recognition to continue*****
*****Scaning*****
*****Match found*****
Alan Jaeger was born in Planet Denver in a big city, son of two ageira employees, along with his twin sister.
Alan gave along with his sister very well from child allways playing with her,helping her and protecting her when she was bullied. But besides that Alan was a trouble maker, since his second year at school he was allways miss behaving at school, getting into fights with other kids, throwing rocks he would pick up on the street at windows whenever his teachers would tell him to be quiet, what made his parents worry allot about his mental state.
One day when he was at 8th grade in school he broke one of his collegues' noise. So the next day his mother got him a psychiatrist to see what was wrong with him, and the psychiatrist said he had a rare trauma that makes people anger very easly, sometimes even putting the person on the other side on some very bad conditions...
After 3long years of taking some pills and going to the psychiatrist, Alan's anger was finaly "normal".
Between the age 15 to 18 Alan's parents were allways telling him and his sister how good and profitable the life as an Ageira employee to try and convince them to follow their steps. So when they both turned 18years old they joined a university (well known for teaching dificult and incredible technological skills to their students) at Planet Denver.
Then when they were both 23 they finished their time at the university and some part time studying they did at a Flight Academy they became workers at Ageira Technologies.
One day his sister wen't on an escort mission protecting some Bisons on her Roc to hand over some supplys at Alberta system. But while crossing Ontário system, they got caught by a group of criminals (mostly Lane Hackers), from wich only 3 light fighter pilots escaped. When Alan heard his sister died , he snaped, started blaming Ageira Industries and everyone related to it, making some huge chaos with the media at Denver.
Some days later, after his sister's funeral he was approached by a man claiming that he could help him getting revenge on Ageira Industries, and that he and his partners known has Patriots would help him, and soo blinded by the thought of revenge he took the offer joining them in their small group of Lane Hackers.
After 4years Alan had already learned much with his new collegues and had commited many crimes againts Ageira Industries and some other companys, mostly by installing virus into the ship's software,engines,comunications and soo on to then "ask" for a donation to the Patriots.
During an operation in the year 821 A.S Alan went to capture some Ageira pilots being escorted by a Liberty Police officer. After embushing one of them in Colorado System that was a bit behind the others , but that pilot was one of the survivors of the battle where his sister died... when the Ageira employee noticed who the hacker was he told him who pulled the trigger, the captain of a ship known has Arsenal Gear , one of his group's biggest member. Furious with both the Ageira and the Patriots he almost killed the pilot and told him where the Patriots next operation would be and how it would happen, then he vanished into an asteroid field.
Some hours later Alan took the money he had in a bank account, tried to erase his traces and ran from Liberty, to make sure his partners wouldn't torture him or kill him for telling information regarding an operation againts "The Big Three".
Alan was last seen by a junker flying around some independent systems in a vessel codenamed The.End
/quote 1 end
Yust to show you how much an added line can change the pictiure of a text.
At least in my opinion it makes the text easier to read because it shows you where thematic or timeline breaks are. So you can avoid the "wall of text" effect a little.
Now another small edit to show you some changes :
quote 2 :
Name:Alan Jaeger Year of birth:790 A.S Place of Birth:Planet Denver Graduation:Denver technological University Employeements:Ageira Technologies Citizen Data: Believed to be a highly dangerous criminal (on current investigation by the Liberty Police department)
*****The rest of this file is classified and needs finger print recognition to continue*****
*****Scaning*****
*****Match found*****
Alan Jaeger was born in Planet Denver in a big city, son of two ageira employees, along with his twin sister.Alan gave along with his sister very well from child allways playing with her,helping her and protecting her when she was bullied. But besides that Alan was a trouble maker, since his second year at school he was allways miss behaving at school, getting into fights with other kids, throwing rocks he would pick up on the street at windows whenever his teachers would tell him to be quiet, what made his parents worry allot about his mental state.
One day when he was at 8th grade in school he broke one of his collegues' noise. So the next day his mother got him a psychiatrist to see what was wrong with him, and the psychiatrist said he had a rare trauma that makes people anger very easly, sometimes even putting the person on the other side on some very bad conditions... ( for effects perhaps add some spoiler with a medic file or a police file report here as excemple )
After 3long years of taking some pills and going to the psychiatrist, Alan's anger was finaly "normal".
( perhaps a short timeline history add here ... like AS 815 , Liberty house, system : New York ( sce )
Between the age 15 to 18 Alan's parents were allways telling him and his sister how good and profitable the life as an Ageira employee to try and convince them to follow their steps. So when they both turned 18years old they joined a university (well known for teaching dificult and incredible technological skills to their students) at Planet Denver.Then when they were both 23 they finished their time at the university and some part time studying they did at a Flight Academy they became workers at Ageira Technologies.
One day his sister wen't on an escort mission protecting some Bisons on her Roc to hand over some supplys at Alberta system. But while crossing Ontário system, they got caught by a group of criminals (mostly Lane Hackers), from wich only 3 light fighter pilots escaped. When Alan heard his sister died , he snaped, started blaming Ageira Industries and everyone related to it, making some huge chaos with the media at Denver.
Some days later, after his sister's funeral he was approached by a man claiming that he could help him getting revenge on Ageira Industries, and that he and his partners known has Patriots would help him, and soo blinded by the thought of revenge he took the offer joining them in their small group of Lane Hackers.
After 4years Alan had already learned much with his new collegues and had commited many crimes againts Ageira Industries and some other companys, mostly by installing virus into the ship's software,engines,comunications and soo on to then "ask" for a donation to the Patriots.
... perhaps another timeline history info ? or a spoiler with a Hacker / Xeno report or a police file ?
During an operation in the year 821 A.S Alan went to capture some Ageira pilots being escorted by a Liberty Police officer. After embushing one of them in Colorado System that was a bit behind the others , but that pilot was one of the survivors of the battle where his sister died... when the Ageira employee noticed who the hacker was he told him who pulled the trigger, the captain of a ship known has Arsenal Gear , one of his group's biggest member. Furious with both the Ageira and the Patriots he almost killed the pilot and told him where the Patriots next operation would be and how it would happen, then he vanished into an asteroid field.
Some hours later Alan took the money he had in a bank account, tried to erase his traces and ran from Liberty, to make sure his partners wouldn't torture him or kill him for telling information regarding an operation againts "The Big Three".
Alan was last seen by a junker flying around some independent systems in a vessel codenamed The.End