December 18th, 825 - Planet Gran Canaria, Omega-49
It took a while for him to fall asleep again, so I just remained next to him, eventually leaning my head against his arm. I wanted him to be asleep when I would type the messages. What I simply couldn't get out of my head was what he told me before he finally fell asleep. "Blood really is the essence of life, Abs. I got shot and felt it leaving my body. It felt colder and colder with each second. In that moment, I didn't feel like my body was a biological machine. It felt like life and warmth were leaving me on this cold planet. I still feel cold."
He usually always was pragmatician, in a way, especially when he explained the functions of the human body. Maybe he really saw the body more of a biological machine than what other people simply see as one lump of flesh and blood and bones wrapped in skin. Maybe it was true, and he really saw the human body the same way I saw the human mind. An interesting duality, I thought. What bothered me, however, was what he said. He felt cold. Maybe I was just shocked from the event, fearing for his life despite knowing he was stabilized. But instead of using the opportunity to write the BIS and the SIS, I only typed a short message to the Apahanta, telling them where we are, requesting extraction to be prepared. Then I entered his little medical bed and lay down right next to him. It wasn't comfortable, as there wasn't much space for me, but it just worked out well enough. I lay down at his side, snuggled under his blanket, embraced him and tried to share my own warmth with him.
Hours passed. I myself fell asleep and only woke up when a nurse came in to check on Ezrael, changing the urine bag next to the bed. She didn't say anything about me being in his bed, but then again, it seemed like she was only doing a very quick check. It was loud on the corridors. Traffic.
At some point, he woke up and looked at me. He frowned. First I thought he wanted me to leave, until he voiced his thought. "Could you help me taking a piss?" he asked, and I couldn't help but smirk. "Having that thing around my tip really annoys me, especially with your tits rubbing against my arm,"
So I helped him, knowing he was too stubborn to get convinced to just play along. He was that kind of man who knew better. I watched him unplugging himself from the cables, not necessarily feeling good about it, but in the worst case, the nurses and doctors would just get back and stuff it all back in where it was. We slowly made our way to the first best bathroom, and I stood right behind him, slightly embracing him like that while looking away as he had leaned slightly forward, his whip spitting out the human champaign, aiming perfectly for the center. I was worried whether he wouldn't manage it but he did. He even cleaned the tip. Putting it back into his pants and flushing, I guided him to the sink, where he took the opportunity to take a tissue to wipe his upper body clean. Of course I helped him with that. He was pale, his hair slightly tousled. There was no comb, so I used the opportunity and took his fingers to carefully adjust it. Women probably envied him for his jet black thick hair. I liked it. And despite him having been sweaty, it still had the scent of his shampoo.
There was this moment of me looking into the mirror. I saw myself standing behind him, looking over his shoulder at us. He looked at me through the mirror. My arms were slung around his upper body since I wanted to stabilize him. It looked differently, though. Without him having said it, I was fairly certain he was thinking the same as I did. He just felt too weak. His breathing was intense. Standing on his feet was quite straining to him. I pecked his shoulder from behind, and as if it had been a finalizing ritual, we made our moves to head back to his medbed.
He lay down again, I sat at his side on the chair, wrapping him with his blanket. "Did you send a message to the Apahanta?" he asked me in his quiet, strained voice as he looked at the blood transfusion bag, probably thinking about plugging himself in again.
"Yes. Commander Aguilar will be ready whenever we want to leave," I replied.
"Not to be more of an idiot than necessary, but I believe I'm in better hands on the Apahanta, with Adrianna. She'll just inject some of her nanobots into my body and they will fix everything up in no time," he sounded. "Tell her to get us out of this shithole as soon as possible."
"Ouh, alright."
"I'm so sorry for you to have to go through this, Abs. I'd really have prefered a more romantical climax of our little vacation, instead of getting shot..." Shaking his head, he threw a guilty glance at me. Somewhat apologetic. However, it was mostly his loss.
"It was romantic, Ezrael," I said, smiling at him, scooting a bit closer with my little chair. "In ancient times, men left their homes to slay beasts and monsters, trying to impress the women they loved with their ability to defeat the dangers beyond the safe city walls. Of course, telltales romanticized this mostly, but in a romantic way, you defeated four people on your own without dying. I'm sorta impressed, Captain." I smirked at him, but he didn't seem to like what I said. His eyes were staring unfocused at the ceiling.
"I underestimated the situation and almost died. Even worse, I killed four people in self-defense. Three of them were already knocked out, but I went berserk when I got shot and killed them all. All four of them. Three headshots and one twisted neck. Things I learned to do during my training on Yaren, and later when Sherry trained me," he explained. Taking a deep breath, he continued. "I've killed six people that way. The first two people I killed during the take-over of the Apahanta. I tried so hard to desert and take the Apahanta with me without bloodshed, but there was this one guy who was suspicious of me from the very beginning. My team and I browsed the ship for people who didn't leave the ship during the faked scenario, and this guy shot me, missing me every time. I managed to stun him, wanted to disarm him, but then I had to realize he wasn't alone. His best friend was with him, a young, naive marine who shot me, almost hitting my head but instead hitting my shoulder with a plasma bolt that burned deeply into my flesh." He rang for air again. "He was stunned by his own success, seeing me, his Captain, screaming in pain as my nerves burned away. And then there was suddenly no more pain. I was in that state. The adrenaline rush. I went berserk, knocking the young marine out, disarming him, beating him into the floor. In the end, I stood above him, my boot finishing him off by cracking his neck. The other guy was still stunned, but I didn't want him to stay alive either. The rush was getting weaker, but before it had ceased fully, I had shot the stunned man multiple times out of anger."
I looked at Ezrael, having listened to what he told me. It was something very difficult for me to comprehend as I never made an experience like that. I never killed a human. He killed six in direct combat, and way more in space battles. "It is getting easier, Abs. Devaluating a human life, and the burden of being a murderer, regardless of the situation to cause the murder. I killed people, and it stopped nagging on me. I killed two people to steal my own battleship. Now I killed four people just because of them having tried to steal a lousy Light Fighter."
"You killed them because they wanted to kill you first," I told him. It was an important difference. He was giving them the chance. "They tried to start fight with the use of weapons. You ended the fight. Say what you want, but to me, that sounds heroic instead of demonicizing."
"There is nothing heroic about it. I killed people. I could have finished them without taking their lifes."
"Maybe," I sounded while my left hand moved under the blanket, and shortly after it he gave me a surprised look, realizing where my hand went and what it intended to do. "You could have died, and then you wouldn't have been able to do what we will do on our way back to the Apahanta. You can pity yourself for having failed your initial naive morales of 'killing people is always wrong' or you start being glad about you being such a badass guy for managing to kill four armed people and surviving three shot wounds." I couldn't help but grin, feeling incredibly awkward about doing what I did with my hand down there. "If you can't do that either, then let me help focusing on something different for a moment. Something that is said to make the male brain shut off, making them think with something else."
He remained silent, first probably not knowing what to think of it until he shook his head and gave me a charming smirk. I was glad that, despite having lost so much blood the day before, there was still enough for that. So I let my hand do what it did.
I'd like to say the weirdest moments of that Gran Canaria time was when I was in bed with Captain Vertiga, but there was one very awkward moment where I thought my cover was blown. I believe it was the second night in the hospital. The Captain was sleeping after I... motivated him to sleep. I put on my suit again, making a mental note to take the pill once we're back on the ship and since he slept, I wanted to use the opportunity to finally file that report to Weber. So I sat down on the chair next to the bed and took his still unlocked PDA and began typing. I wanted to include everything I found out. A quick sum-up of Vertiga's psychological profile, his motivations and goals for the Apahanta, his views on Bretonia and other factions, and of course, Sangria Reaver and her situation.
So I typed and typed during the night, and the Captain seemed to be sleeping rather deeply. I felt rather refreshed after what we did, after all it was the first time after multiple years. It was nice, despite him having been rather weak and pretty much immobile. I felt younger. Sometimes I just looked over to him, at his face. It was slightly facing me, his long black hair being slightly messy and hanging into his face. I saw his chest heaving in his rhythm. I really felt some conflict about me filing the report, but in the end, nothing of what I wrote down was to his disadvantage, at least not in the long run. Bretonia only trusted him so much. They could trust him more. I wanted to make sure the SIS would understand he wasn't protecting Sangria to support her as a criminal but merely because of his empathy for other people, regardless of their background. So I typed it down that way.
"Quite the roman you're typing," Ezrael sounded. A chill ran down my spine and I looked at him, instantly deleting the message. I was certain he wasn't able to see what I was typing from the angle, but still.
"Holy shit, could you not spook me out like that!" I yelled, exaggerating slightly to make it more sound like I wasn't hiding anything. He gave me the impression that it worked.
"What are you typing?" he asked me, only having his unscarred eye open to face me. The scarred eye was covered by his lovely hair.
"I was trying to file a report for Commander Aguilar about what exactly happened. It looks like I closed the message editor, though," I told him, faking a deflated mood. "But I guess that can wait until we are on the Apahanta."
"Yeah. By the way, let me check my inbox," he sounded, reaching for the PDA in my hands to take it from me. I was sure the message was deleted entirely, so everything was going to be alright. Still, I almost fucked up there.
When he was done, he locked his PDA and placed it on the nightstand, looking at me. "It's cold. Come back and warm me, please," he said and I did as he asked. My chance to file the report was gone. The PDA was locked...
We returned to the Apahanta before christmas, and things returned to normalcy, at least for me. The Captain was treated on the Apahanta by Dr. Carr and he quickly rejuvenated. I didn't get much time to talk with him from that point, and figured what we did on Gran Canaria was just a one-time thing. I was alright with that. It was nice to have had that. During the holidays, Vertiga's girlfriend, Maren von Westefeld and her adopted daughter Dinah stayed on the Apahanta and I got to meet the child, baking a cake with her. Funny little bretonian girl.
He was spending much time with Maren, and as long as they stayed, it looked like these two were an actual couple. Admittedly, I felt a bit jealous for her. When she was around, Vertiga had only eyes for her. Not even for Miss Hookier.
The new year started out extremely weird. The Apahanta was in Cambridge and half of the crew was on the planet to watch the fireworks. The Captain paid a good amount of money for an upgraded show and hell it was awesome to watch. Afterwards we returned to the ship and celebrated together. And then, while everyone else had a normal time, Sangria started to go nuts. The medical bay was visited quite often in these days, as she passed out multiple times, the Captain had heart problems and Silver and Spartan Reaver were on the Apahanta. It all resulted in Sangria losing her memory fully. Everything is gone. She turned into a empty human being, being able to speak and all that but not recalling anything of her past.
In the end, that was what the Reavers wanted. To provide a clean restart for Sangria. Silver wanted to take her to Nauru, where Sangria would be out of range for Vertiga as he doesn't want to set a foot on that planet since his NAP with the Core is rather fragile. He doesn't want their attention. However, there troublesome issue about Sangria was that there is that Mason Coleman guy who, according to the Captain, repeatedly abused Sangria's conditions to bang her and in the end make her believe their affair was an actual relationship. Big love drama between Sangria, Leon Isley, Mason Coleman and Vertiga. Right now, the Captain removed her neural net access, gave her a new room on the Apahanta, locked her old PDA away and gave her a new one and forbade every crew member to be more than friends with Sangria, or tell her about her past.
Vertiga is giving her a clean restart, without the Reavers or Coleman. And I'm not sure what to do about it, since she doesn't even know anything about her past anymore. Handing her to the SIS would be like putting a newborn child into a prison.
With Sangria's memories fully gone, the Captain and the Chief Engineer were spending most of their time with her. Once more I realized how straining it is for Ezrael to deal with her. From what I gathered, they don't manage to break the cycle. She forgets everything, tries to remember, asks questions, starts having doubts, becomes frustrated, causes trouble and eventually the cycle will start anew. Ezrael seems to be aware that there is nothing he can do but buy time for Dr. Carr to try and fix the issue, but nobody can tell how long it will take before she can actually fix it. Until then, Ezrael will simply not stop caring for her, while he made it obvious he doesn't want anyone to abuse her lack of memories to their advantage. I asked him what he would do should she start showing feelings for him again, as it is obvious she seems to enjoy his presence more than anyone else's.
Of course he gave me an elaborate response, covering all possible things he could do, all of them with a certain bad taste to them. Locking her away, stuffing her into a cryo pod, trying to reset her brain again, taking it as it comes, asking Miss von Westefeld to take care of her. In the end he said there was no good solution. It was a dilemma. Realizing there was no optimal way to treat her, he said he would at least make sure to not 'be a pig like Coleman'.
The other day, the topic shifted. This time it wasn't me trying to pull some information out of his nose during normal social interaction. This time he came to me in the middle of the night. Maybe it was pure coincidence that I was already awake when he rang the door bell. I lay in bed, playing Angry Pigs on my PDA, not feeling tired enough to sleep. Maybe he asked the ship whether I was awake or not, I don't know. Quickly jumping into my Apahanta suit, I moved to the door and looked at him in his black sweatpants and his grey T-shirt. He was probably in the same state of unrest as I was as he gave me the impression he actually wanted to sleep but simply couldn't. "I need to talk."
I didn't want him in my room, so I left it and he lead me to the hydroponics. The ship was in night mode, so the lighting was rather cozy in there, and our lovely apple tree shining slightly in the flood lights pointing at it. He walked to one of the loungers and dropped into it. Physically he was definitely in a better shape than two weeks ago. His body had recovered from the shot wounds and the massive blood loss. In fact, he was spending at least an hour in the gym per day, now that he can again. I took the lounger next to him, laying down as well. We looked up at the tree crown, where the juicy pink lady apples were reflecting some of the light.
"You know," he began, his voice weak but rather neutral, "I really tried to avoid making use of you for myself. But ever since I stopped recording logs or writing down stuff, I feel like I am lacking self-reflection." His words weren't really flattering.
I looked over to him a for a moment, then sighed and glanced up again. "I guess it's my time to shine now, then?"
"I really hate Auxesia, you know?" he began. "It's a back and forth between them and me. They accused Maren of being infected, we prove them wrong. They demanded a search of my ship, I played along and let them. They never found anything suspicious because there is nothing suspicious about me or the Apahanta. We just try to survive and maintain ship and crew. Having a good life despite living in space, you know."
I blinked at him, questioningly. "I take it you're talking about them for a reason."
He exhaled audibly, shaking his head. "That one tiny hacker girl asked whether I knew about Auxesian activity in Kusari, so I asked them, giving them some outdated information to make the question sound more innocent. I think I sold it well, but you know how it is with lies: It always takes another two to back them up. So I asked them about their kusarian activity, and they got curious about the question, and I said I was wondering whether we can provide some information from there for them. Basically, I proposed to extend our current job 'contract'" - his fingers and voice were signaling the quotation marks - "And they took it as a sign of interest to, well, extend our current job contract. The result is an invitation to them."
"And you're not sure whether you want to take it." I sat up in the lounger, shifting a little to face him better.
"I got shot and almost died. Kalliste Silver shot me as well. You know, I usually look at things from the why-would-they perspective and it worked out very well in 99% of all cases. Why would they do this and that while the consequences of this and that wouldn't really mean a good trade for them. I came to the Wraith and let them scan me, because I had nothing to hide. Leviathan shows up and tries to convince me, with plenty of subtle and not-so-subtle lines to cooperate with Auxesia. I refused. Their wars aren't mine, and I'm fine with only having so many enemies, right?"
His head turned towards me and he looked at me with his unscarred eye open, the other hidden behind his jet-black hair. "I even let them search my ship. Letting them have insight into the heart of the Apahanta. They could have taken it from me, they didn't do it though. Leviathan wanted to buy it from me, but I didn't want to give her away. Turns out this was a good decision. In their last mission, Auxesia said they wanted to talk about transparency. They always had the maximum of transparency they could get. My body, my ship. They saw the faces of my crew, they know we're frequently basing in Omicron Kappa. They know who we're friends with and who we fight, usually in self-defense."
"What is the core issue, Ezrael?" I asked him, as I didn't understand why he was making a fuss about it.
Once more he looked up at the tree crown. "I really hate it when environmental circumstances put me at a disadvantage. Most groups we deal with could use a easy-to-grab battleship like the Apahanta, and no matter how much I invest into security assets here on the ship, there are still people like Silver who just don't give a fuck and run around here with guns. You'd think I was cool with it, trusting her to not do anything weird with her weapons. In fact, I did. But it still annoys the fuck out of me to not have insisted on showing who has the say here on the ship, you know? I extend the olive branch and the people taking it rip my hand out."
It sounded to me like an ego problem. People were disrespecting his authority. To be fair, only the ones with an extremely big ego did so, which happens to have been Kalliste Silver and her companion. And the Auxesians simply have more power than him with just one battleship. He can handle these situations with sovereignty, but that doesn't mean he looks forward to them. Understandable. "What would be the possible benefits of taking the invitation, and what would be the possible negative consequences of not taking it?"
He remained quiet for a few moments, pondering about it. I knew that as he usually chew on his cheeks when he was thinking about something. Either that or he bit his lower lip, kneading it. "A possible increase in my standing with Auxesia. Maybe access to a bunch of their resoucres. Maybe some allies. Maybe some cash." He then looked at me again. "Possible consequences? Maybe more enemies, a higher bounty on the Apahanta or even my head, maybe they trick us and take over the Apahanta, maybe they sell me to our enemies, like the Lane Hackers. While I doubt I enjoy a high interest from Professor Provocateur Goro Yoshida, I assume that Lane Fucker can't let go of his ego problems and would love to punish me for not taking his invitation to a mania interrogation To be honest, the possible rammifications seem to be mostly not being worth it. That being said, I don't know what Auxesia wants from us and me and not taking the invitation might cause troubles that could be avoided by me not being a whiny bitch and just going there." Aware of the issues, he exhaled in annoyance.
"So what are you intending to do?" I asked him.
"I'll go there, try to endure that power ranger, maybe ask Raven for a creampie and then leave after having listened to their proposal." I gave him a questioning look about a certain part he just mentioned. "She baked little creampies. Nothing sexual about it, although she's pretty."
Rolling my eyes, I lay down in my lounger again. "If you don't want the meeting to be strongly in their favor, ask for it to happen on neutral ground. Cambridge for example. You could take me with you there, too," I proposed, not really wanting to deal with the Auxesians however seeing a good chance to gather intel for the SIS. That and a possible chance for sending a report to Weber.
"Not the worst idea, to be honest." He rolled on his side, facing me. "I would prefer you to stay on the ship, though. It's pretty hard to get a reliable counselor. If something goes wrong, the crew will need you to take care of them, and Sherry will need your help in leading the crew. Not that I believe things will escalate on bretonian ground. I guess Auxesia actually values their bretonian friends."
He closed his eyes, smirking at me. "Thanks."
"You're welcome, Captain." Facing each other, we remained like this in our loungers, and I realized he fell asleep where he was at some point. If I was honest to myself, I would have liked to stand up and move over to him to lay with him again. But I guess that train already left. What happened on Canaria was a one-time thing. It probably was better this way.
Whenever the Captain wasn't on the Apahanta, the general mood of the crew was affected by that, as if something crucial was missing. It was worse this time since the opinions on Auxesia were rather mixed. Some crew members didn't like the idea of the Captain submitting to their control, others were curious about what the Captain would be telling them once he returned. In fact, we weren't too far away from the Auxesian Citadel, remaining cloaked while being able to watch Elgin from the distance. Vertiga's orders were clear: Don't get close to Elgin.
They probably knew we were cloaked and somewhere out there, and they were probably just searching for our EM signature, so the ship kept moving, trying to not allow them any triangulation. It made me wonder how technologically advanced Auxesia was compared with the rest of Sirius. On par, at least. Vertiga said multiple times we shouldn't even remotely hint about the Apahanta currently being a flying lootcrate filled with scavenged technologies. Thanks to the improved cloaking systems, this was a bit easier.
It was night time, but I couldn't sleep. My bed was comfortable, I had enough pillows and blankets. The room temperature was alright. I couldn't put my finger on what caused the distress. It wasn't like I had eaten something bad or had my PDA next to the bed. No radiation, no light pollution. In the end, I rolled out of my bed, slipping into my Apahanta suit and pulling up to cover my lower body since I was only wearing a long black T-shirt and a slip. Wrapping the upper part of the suit around my waist, I quickly checked my hair in the mirror, then headed out. A little walk would help, right?
The corridors were empty and in night mode, shining with annoying blue light to keep anyone walking around at night awake. Maybe I hadn't thought this through all too well, eh, my dear diary? Don't judge me. I ended up at the canteen, intending to get a cup of tea. To my surprise, Miss Hookier was sitting at one of the tables, all alone. Infront of her was a tray filled with everything one needs to manufacture Hot Dogs - including a laser stick. "Oh, hello. Can't sleep?"
"It's difficult when the organic pillow you usually sleep on isn't around," the black haired young woman said, her voice slightly idle and sleepy while she was heating up one of the sausages with the laser stick. I went for the counter, where usually a bunch of drinks were waiting for crew members to fetch them. I took the thermos with the tea and a cup and took both over to the table, figuring it was alright to join Miss Hookier.
"Aren't there enough other bodies in the Captain's bed to abuse as pillow?" I asked her, since Ezrael had Noel, Miss Hookier and currently also Chief Engineer Isley and Sangria Reaver in his room, all sleeping in the same giant bed as if every night was a pyjama party.
The curacaoan woman held up her Wiener. It was steaming from the laser treatment, but Sombra wore her Apahanta suit, and the gloves were resisting the heat. "I'm not a weirdo to snuggle up on any person in range," she said and pointed her Wiener at me in defense. "Leon is taking full care of Rebecca and Noel was having as much trouble as I have when it comes to sleeping without Ez being around. In fact I just massaged him into sleep, and now I could use one as well. Instead I came down here to use the rare opportunity of the Captain not being around to eat some unhealthy greasy shit." She placed the Wiener in the Hot Dog bun, which was already slightly toasted by the laser stick when she had cut it open.
I first wanted to ask whether she was actually refering to the casual massaging when she said that, but I guess that wasn't appropriate to do. "Take something if you want something," she offered while facing her Hot Dog-in-progress as she squirted some mustard over the sausage. While I didn't really want to eat meat right now, I figured pilfering some of her pickles to dip them in mustard was alright, so I took the glass and opened it, taking the fork from Miss Hookier as I didn't think she would need it and impaled a pickle. Sombra squirted a bit of mustard onto the plate she had there and handed it over to me, so I could dip the pickle into it.
"You know, I find your relationship with Captain Vertiga rather intriguing. It looks to me like you're actually his first choice," I commented, having wanted to mention that for a while.
"But I'm not." She stopped for a moment, looking at her almost finished Hot Dog. Then she took a pickle and cut it into slices. "It is okay the way it is, though."
"I never understood that, to be honest. You're doing all this stuff for him, obviously you love him more than anyone else does and you look awesome, are funny and clever. Pardon me for asking, but what does his girlfriend have that you don't?"
She smirked as I complimented her while she decorated the Hot Dog with sliced pickle. "That's the question, isn't it?" she asked, probably rhetorically. For a moment, she eyed me and I noticed her smirk was turning more bittersweet. Then she looked down again, grabbing the ketch-up to squeeze it onto the pickle slices. "I guess I can't tell you the full dilemma about it. The last time I tried to explain it to a psychologist, she disappeared short time after it. I take that as a bad omen. That being said," she said and paused when the began to place some roasted onions ontop of her creation, "I do believe his relationship with Maren is similar to his bond to this ship, in a way. It's too late to bail out. Now he sits on a ship she helped him to secure, and in return, it is this ship that damages their relationship since he is bound to it. Either that or her impatient acting, adopting a child without Ezrael's consent. Maybe I'm lucky and their relationship will buckle at some point, but until then, he will only have eyes for her the moment she is present." I was surprised I didn't hear frustration in her voice as she said that. It sounded more as if she didn't consider the status quo not as weird.
I had finished my first pickle while she said all this, and I couldn't help but take a breath. The implications she made were food for thought. "What is your relationship with Miss von Westefeld?" I asked her.
She chuckled for a moment, looking at her product, carefully picking it up with both hands. "Her and I both had to accept that Ez isn't a man who is satisfied with having one girl. I accepted that very early, way before Maren, but eventually she did as well. So we learned to deal with each other, became friends and whenever the opportunity arises, we take care of Ez together. After all, all we want is to make him happy, right? At least that's what I want. I know she thinks I'm dumb, especially since I gave up my fertility for him. But I guess she isn't aware of how stupid her own actions are, and how much she hurts him with her actions." She bit into the Hot Dog. It was much to process, both the Hot Dog and what she just said.
"So it is more of a rivalry than friendship?" I asked, waiting for her to swallow the bite. I took a new pickle, dipping it into mustard.
"We're friends, but whenever it is about Ezrael, we're rivals. As I said, we learned to deal with each other, and it doesn't feel uncomfortable to have her around, but it is obvious that something will happen sooner or later anyway. She hurts him, stresses him out and doesn't give him the attention he needs. I don't think she respects him. She is jealous and does what she wants without consulting him, while he tries to adjust to her more and more." She took another bite.
"Also, did you just say you gave up your fertility for him?" I asked her, having only thought of that phrase right now.
"He doesn't like children. Or, well, the idea of having children. He doesn't want to be a father for a few reasons. When I fell in love with him years ago on Curacao, I let myself get sterilized, wanting to show him my devotion to him. Of course he had mixed feelings about it but refused to judge me for making that decision, as doing that when it was already too late wouldn't have done anything good. I know I made him feel guilty for it, but that wasn't my intention. But now, years later, we're both benefiting from it in the best way." She smiled at me, winking once before taking another bite of her Hot Dog.
"Do you regret it?" I asked her.
She chew slower for a moment, looking at the Hot Dog as she obviously tried to prepare her next sentence with the most adequate wording possible. I heard her gulping. "I will admit, the image of me having a daughter with him, settled down on Curacao in a bungalow right behind the beach in the small palma tree forests near Miramar is quite nice. I'd hold the baby in my arms while sitting on the porch in the shadow while the warm winds mix the scent of the exotic plants landside and the odor of the ocean right at our house, and Ezrael sits next to me, only wearing his surfer trunks, an arm wrapped around my back. We look down at our little baby napping, and he pecks my cheek." She sighed. "He'd teach her how to surf. She wouldn't be the typical pussy girl but a wild little rowdy. He'd also teach her how to beat up annoying people, and I could teach her fencing. She'd also have plenty of cool people taking care of her, including Leon and Noel and a few other people of the crew who'd settle down on Curacao as well."
She had a thing for vividly describing nice scenarios. "And whenever our daughter isn't around, he'd bang the brain out of me on every single piece of furniture we have." I take that back, despite me being able to vividly imagine it. "But that won't happen. I won't have a child with him. We won't be able to have a bungalow on Curacao anytime soon, and if we're unlucky, Curacao will never be our home again. He won't gift me with a daughter, and if he continues like this, getting shot and having heart problems over and over again, he'll die within the next ten years. But no matter what happens, I'll stay at his side, and should he really die, I'll be with him. Nobody can take that from me, not even Maren."
I was at a loss of words for a few moments, but luckily she realized it and smirked at me. "Sorry for sounding melodramatic, but I guess that's what night time does to you. Suddenly you question things you are usually alright with."
"I heard edgier things. That being said, Sirius has never been this chaotic, and I feel for you. I know the Captain is heavily affected by not only losing Curacao but also Canaria. Same goes for many other crew members. Things would look even worse if we wouldn't have gotten to enjoy the New Year's fireworks on Cambridge. The crew needs some time planetside every now and then," I told her. The effects of spacial isolation weren't very noticable on the Apahanta, but they were still a thing. System jumps were actually countering it very well, and the crew loved it when the ship was in Omega-2. The system was not nearly as nihilistic as any other area of Sirius.
I took another pickle, only to realize I enjoyed that more than I thought I would. Maybe orange juice instead of tea? I wondered whether watching her eating her Hot Dog was giving me strange ideas. She had finished her first Hot Dog and prepared a second one. After some deliberation, I decided I should give it a shot as well.
A few hours ago, there was a Red Alert scenario, and I've begun to understand a few things better. The Apahanta was deployed to assist in the defense of the exodus convoys from Gran Canaria to Pygar in Omicron Theta. Given Omicron Theta is just one jump away from the Corsair home system, Vertiga decided to show presence on the other end of the route, right at Gran Canaria. As far as I am aware, we neither got hired nor did we receive any monetary recompensation for the mission, but Vertiga seemed to be more interested in showing presence to possibly gain some diplomatic relations and support.
The first hours were pretty quiet. Just dozens of trading vessels and passanger liners transporting refugees from Canaria over the hessian territory into the Omicron frontier. We couldn't escort any ship outside of Omega-49 as we are forced to adhere to the Red Hessian territorial claims on Omega-47, forbidding us to enter the system. Omega-41 would have been too dangerous to us because of the fragment field and Omicron Gamma should be self-explanatory.
I sat next to Ezrael on the bridge when the sensors registered a nomad. The ship automatically switched from yellow alert to red alert, and everyone knew it was not a drill. We got visual contact, and while I never understood the difference between the multiple nomad variants, the Captain did. He stood up, visibly tensed up, walking closer to the main screen, leaning against the bridge stage's railing. "A Vagrant. It's neither Kapheira nor Polyhymnia. That means this is the third now..."
I wasn't quite sure what this was supposed to mean. I later looked up the names he mentioned, only to find out they were oceanids of ancient greek culture. Apparently that was the naming scheme for the Nomad Vagrants. That's how he called them. The Captain gave order to charge weapons but not target it yet, and opened comm frequencies to all ships in range, warning them about the nomad warform and ordering them to not engage it. All bypassing civilian ships were ordered to warn every ship inbound and outbound about the potential threat and to avoid it at all cost, and it seemed to have worked out that way.
For the following 45 minutes, Ezrael tried to communicate with the giant Vagrant, asking it why it was there. Apparently most people on the ship were able to... feel the responses. It was like an inner voice, yet foreign. Intrusive but not hostile. It was still uncomfortable. I believe this was the closest experience one could get to foreign mental voices as a symptom of paranoidic schitzophrenia.
Ezrael seemed confident about his approach, and from the context clues I could gather that he wasn't doing this for the first time. I observed the situation, admittedly taken by this unfamiliar experience. It was easier to feel the flow of the situation than to try to understand it in retrospect. The Vagrant was there to observe, and Ezrael tried to make it understand that the Apahanta was not keen on fighting it if it could be avoided. He tried to make it understand that not all humans are hostile to them. There was much interference as other bold people showed up to take a look at the Vagrant, approaching it just to realize it was reacting to them, pointing their weapons at anything that got close. Later an SIS agent showed up to observe the situation, and both SIS and Jerard VonCloud on the Kaldra gave the same orders as us before to all ships in the region: Stay away from the Nomad. Let Vertiga handle it.
At some point, something very weird happened, and there was a telepathic silence. I neither heard Daeira nor the echo of what Ezrael said to it. He however stumbled back into his commanding seat, slightly shaking, his node bleeding. I wanted to help him, but Sherry stopped me, signaling me to not touch him as he stared at the main screen as if he was looking into the eyes of this nomad. He looked stressed, his grip on the arm rests indicating how his muscles were tensed up. This continued for minutes, and all we did was watching him, while Sherry took over for the time being. He was still talking, but it was as if he was talkting to someone who was not in the room. He asked why they were showing him these pictures. He bent forward in his seat, heavily breathing, audibly suffering. It looked like he was taking a fetal position for a moment, until he suddenly spoke up.
"I know they do this to you! The Core does, so does the Order... and probably every single research group in the Omicrons!" he exclaimed, looking up at the nomad on the screen while shaking uncontrolled. And suddenly he relaxed, taking deep breaths in elation, sighing and swallowing. His muscles relaxed again and he leant back into his seat. Sherry moved over to him, handing him a tissue to get rid of the two trails of blood leading to his chin to dripple down on his Apahanta suit.
"I understand. But you need to understand that if you won't leave, they will come to hunt you down! And we can't stay back and watch you harming them." He paused for a moment. " If you wish to make what you name the darkness understand, you should leave now and stay in your realm!" What then happened made me question a few things. The Nomad ceased to glow, it turned around and headed for the Omega-47 jump hole. It left. The empathetic feeling had changed from agitation and arrogant hatred to understanding. Ezrael had managed to pacify a giant nomad warform that could have killed us all.
He looked visibly tired, holding his head most of the time as if to suppress a migraine. Asking the Kaldra whether they can handle the defense on their own, Sherry already gave order to enter jump drive coordinates. By the time VonCloud answered, the jump drive was charging. We jumped to Cortez, ending up in the periphery of the system.
Ezrael stood up, leaving the bridge without a word. I can only guess what he must have been through a few moments ago, Commander Aguilar took over, sitting down in his commanding seat, looking at me for a moment, releasing a sigh. "He'll be fine, don't worry."
"What did just happen, Commander?" I asked her, and she just turned her face to look at the main screen, Planet Curacao in the distance, the blue sun right behind it.
"He just saved every single soul in Omega-49, and most people won't ever know about it." she sounded.
I was worried about the Captain after the confrontation with Daeira. The day after it, he remained secluded from the crew. At some point, however, I thought it was my job to at least try and talk with him, so I asked the ship about where he is, just to make my way to the observation deck. It didn't really surprise me to see him there, standing at the window to look out, staring at his homeworld in the distance. Carefully I made my steps closer to him, stopping behind him. I noticed he wore his civilian clothing. Black leather jacket, white longshirt, slim black jeans. He must have showered recently as he scent of his shampoo was strong, but in a good way. Very fruity.
"Homesick?" I asked him quietly, holding my wrist behind my back. But he didn't respond. He just stared out of the window. I stepped closer after a few seconds and lay my hand on his shoulder. Something was wrong. "Captain?" He lowered his view for a moment, in a very melancholic way. Still no response. I stepped to his side, looking up at him. "Ez?"
There was something about the way he looked at me. I couldn't define it. It felt like his green-grey falcon's eyes were piercing me. It was intimidating for a moment, but I didn't want to submit to it. "Anything wrong, Ezrael?" I asked him. His mouth opened very slightly, his eyes trailing down from my eyes to my neck. Exhaling, I moved infront of him to hug him, being sure something was wrong. My arms slid under his jacket, slung around his torso. I buried my face in his neck. "Don't be like that, please."
I was worried. He never was that way before. I held him more tight, but he didn't react. A minute passed, then another. I heard and felt him breathing, and I knew he was looking at Curacao. Not at me. At some point, however, his arms moved around me. He held me. Like that we remained for what felt like five minutes, until I couldn't bear this anymore. I looked up at him and kissed his lips, figuring it would somewhat affect him. It had to! When the kiss broke, he looked down at me as if I just unsealed him again.
"I heard you tell people that being sad and worried is wasted time," I said, knowing for fact he told that to Noel whenever he was sad. He still didn't respond, at least not verbally. Given how strong I hugged him, I felt his heart beating, which was nice. Something more awkward was feeling his bloodflow shifting. Not too opposed to that, I figured that stress relief was something he needed right now, so I pushed him away from the window, against the bench. He sat down, I went on my knees and looked up at him, my left hand stroking his upper body under his longshirt, my right hand caressing his thigh. His look had changed. Less intrusive, more observing. Yet, he remained quiet. At least no words.
I guess I don't need to describe what I did for the next ten minutes until he pulled out and lifted me up, pushing me over to the window. My back against the thick glass, his hand at the zipper of my suit, pulling it down, uncovering me. He had a talent for making me feel younger again, and I clinged onto his upper body while our lower bodies met. He was rough, just rough enough to not hurt me. It was good. I liked it very much. Fifteen minutes later he was done with me and we sank right where we were to the ground. His moans were the only sounds leaving his mouth. I felt sweaty and dirty, and he probably as well, given he had done most of the physical work. Making a mental note to take the pill again, I enjoyed the moment as long as it lasted. At some point, I zipped up again while he merely remained where he was, leaning over his upper body to kiss him on his lips. "Do you feel better now?" I asked him, and his eyes were focused on mine again. No words. Sighing, I leaned over to his lower body, cleaning it the way he liked it and stuffed his meat back into his pants. Weird, come to think of it, but I did it.
"I'll go and take a shower now, Ez," I said. No response. Sighing again, slightly frustrated, I stood up and left slowly. He remained laying where he was, and I felt like if I hadn't covered him again, he have remained naked just like that.
I came back to look for him an hour later, and he still was at the observation deck. He sat on the bench, and Miss Hookier was with him, sitting next to him, cuddling against his side. Something was extremely off. Yet I left the two alone. He didn't come to dinner either, his and Miss Hookier's seats remaining vacant while everyone else was there.
In the following night, I had troubles sleeping. I had a weird feeling in my stomach, felt like throwing up. I didn't, though. Wearing my nighty I walked down to the canteen to get something against the nausea and a cup of tea. With the hot cup I moved up again, stopped at my room, looked over to his. I had this feeling of unrest, so I moved over to his door and used the panel, only to get welcomed by Noel who wore nothing but his shorts. The boy gave me a sleepy look, and I peeked into the room. Leon and Nancy were on the bed, sleeping. Sombra was there as well. Ezrael wasn't. "Where is the Captain?" I asked him, but he didn't know it either. So I was about to ask the Apahanta until I heard something from not too far away. I turned around, looking at the room on the opposite side, which was Commander Aguilar's room. Getting closer a few steps, I realized I heard moans from the inside.
I guess that answered my question. Exhaling audibly, I looked at Noel. "Good night, Noel." He nodded and the door closed. The next morning, Captain and Commander arrived together for breakfast. Everyone was behaving like nothing had happened. I didn't get to confront the Captain about it, but he wasn't in that weird mood anymore. He was laughing, and everyone was cheerful. Except for Commander Aguilar, but she simply never allowed herself to smile much infront of the crew.
Almost two months had passed since Ezrael got shot on Canaria. I can't help but think he took more mental damage than he would like to admit. To me, it felt like he lost a bit of his rather positive personality when he got shot. Or, when he killed those four people. I knew he killed people before, simple because he had to, and I know he is keeping track of every kill he did. It is not like he is problematic in that regard. He isn't violent. Not at all. In fact, it surprises me that all the power he has didn't corrupt him more than he is.
That being said, I still don't know how to feel about us having done it multiple times by now. The act itself felt incredibly good every single time, and even just making him happy felt good. There was nothing unhygienic about it, nothing disgusting. He was well built, smelled good, tasted good. I can understand why Miss Hookier and some other female crew members, and probably many women out there in Sirius, take such a liking in him. But I feel like I'm swallowing more and more of a forbidden fruit. And my body gives me signals of rejection. I'm afraid I'm suffering from guilt.
How can I continue to spy on him? My reports to the BIS are stacking as I am writing down new information every evening in my holotainment band. I don't think anyone is suspecting anything weird, given multiple people on the ship were using these bands. I really like him. I threw up this morning, not the first time this month. Can't really sleep well in some nights recently. Sometimes I just want to stand up and walk over to his room and lay with him, but I guess with so many people in his bed already, I wouldn't be welcome or feel comfortable myself.
I'm actually surprised how I seem to be suffering from psycho-somatic symptoms. Didn't go to Dr. Carr yet. Didn't want to tell her about... having fallen to his charme as well. I guess Adrianna really is one of the few people here that don't like him that much. I'd feel stupid to have her take a look at me. In the end, I already know it's psycho-somatic. I'm eating healthy, do sports, have enough social interactions, have enough rest. Maybe I should just tell the ship to lower the temperature in my room a bit. The curacaoan climate might be a bit too much for me on a permanent basis.
Meanwhile I joined Ezrael on the bridge two hours ago. He was all alone there, sitting on the lower stage at one of the consoles, relaxed in a chair with his feet on the console, a PDA in his lap, another in his hands while the main screen didn't show the Magellan system but instead some sort of application that was running numbers. I moved closer to him, pecking his forehead and then moved to sit down at another console, looking over to him. He didn't seem to prioritize giving me much attention back, as his eyes were glued to the PDA in his hand.
"What are you doing?" I asked him, gifting him with the most gentle smile I could fabricate, hoping he wouldn't give me the silent treatment again, like one week ago in the observation room.
It was a start. He looked up for a moment, then at the monitor, then at the PDA again. "Digging through some data," he sounded, seemingly trying to focus on his work again. I couldn't help but sigh about the lack of interest in me as partner for social interaction. I didn't do anything wrong, right?
"Tell me about it."
"It's some data I got from Core Captain Cassius Richard. Apahanta is processing the data, I look at the results."
"What's it about?" I asked him patiently, but he didn't respond, just rising a finger, signaling me to hold on. He was typing something. "Can't multitask, eh?"
"I'm trying to focus here." It was almost apathetic, the way he said that. I felt slightly disappointed. Things were weirdly dynamic between us since the thing on Canaria. Made me wonder whether he found me boring, now that he has had me multiple times.
"I'm worried about you, Captain."
I guess that gave me his full attention, as he closed his eyes for a moment, putting the PDA onto the other in his lap. His head turned towards me, his eyes staring at mine in a neutral way. I didn't know what that was supposed to mean. In retrospect, I believe my relationship with him was making it difficult for me to read his body language in an objective way. "I'm fine. Doing this kind of work is a good distraction."
"Distraction from what exactly?" I asked him.
He exhaled. I guess he realized he just took my bait. "Women. I'm losing my patience for Nancy. If I'm not focused and watch out on what I say 24/7 whenever she is around, I fuck it up and tell her accidentally something she wasn't supposed to hear. She's killing me slowly. Can you imagine that? For almost three years Maren and I have tried to fix her, to help her, but she can't break the cycle. I can't even get rid of her and give her into the hands of people who are more qualified to help her than I am. I look at her and realize I am annoyed by her for something she can't be blamed for. It's her nature to be curious and focused on sex." There we go, the dam broke. "I'm actively avoiding her right now because I know the next time I see her and give her the opportunity, she'll ask questions again. Meanwhile Mason asks about her, and I don't know what he will do when things don't proceed fast enough. He is an abusive opportunistic swine, useless and probably just rich or influental enough to cause troubles if he contacts the right people. I can't use that at all, you know that? I just don't see an end to this. The only way to get this shit out of the way is to make sure Dr. Carr's treatment on her fucking works. So she doesn't forget again, and maybe remembers that Leon is her boyfriend. Not that idiot."
I was about to say something, but he continued with his rant. "And in the meantime, Maren doesn't answer to any calls. Dinah neither. I even contacted her school because I'm slightly worried about Maren suddenly not talking with me anymore. And Dinah wasn't at school recently. And I can't talk with you about it. Why would I talk to you about the woman I love? That's exactly why I tried to not have anything with you, you know? How awkward is that?"
"I can handle that with professionalism, Captain. You can talk with me about whatever bothers you, and I will try my best to help you." He was right, though. I never understood what he loved about her. The distance? The way she adopted a child without his permission? Her lack of respect for what he does, for her and for his crew?
"No, not necessary." Given I knew already there was some secret about his relationship with Miss von Westefeld, I assumed it was influencing the current issue, which made him not want to talk about it. Nevertheless, he had to deal with me.
"You're probably worried for a good reason, Ezrael. From what I know, your instincts haven't fooled you often."
His reaction was noteworthy. He looked slightly away from me, with a hint of a smirk mixed with frustration on his face. Given what I just said, I felt uncomfortable about it. "You think she has a lover there?"
"No. To be honest, that would be my least worry."
"Then what is it that worries you?" I asked, trying to pull answers out of his nose.
However, he then looked at his PDA again. He was hiding something. "You're not trusting me, could that be?"
There was a slight grimace on his face. He was visibly stressed. "That's beyond your security clearance. I'd put you at risk if I told you anything about it."
"Then put me at risk, Ezrael! I can't help you if you don't tell me why you're suffering. I know there is something going on about this ship. Parts of the ship I can't access, parts of the database I can't access. Topics that people don't want to talk about with me. Do you know how it feels to be supposed to help the crew with their non-physical problems if they can't talk openly with me about it? What are you afraid of telling me? What's the worst that could happen? I can't leave the ship even if I wanted to, nor can I send any transmission without it you knowing the contents. I'm the most qualified person to help you and you have full control over me, but you don't trust me?"
He looked up at the monitor. I felt stupid about that outbreak, but for a moment, we didn't talk. We only looked up at the monitor. There was the map of Sirius, and it zoomed in at the Edge Nebula. Slightly behind it, where everything was darker than in the center of Sirius, a light became stronger. A dot. I then glanced over to Vertiga, who smirked at the sight of that dot. "Apahanta, please triple-check the calculations and verify everything."
"What is that?" I asked him, standing up as I wanted to look at his PDA.
"A possible Cultist Cache, ready for us to take it."
The crew began to notice how the dilemma about Nancy was nagging on Captain Vertiga. Some were worried about his change of behavior, as he was noticeably less happy and sometimes rather obviously depressed and frustrated. The unrest within him was no secret anymore. To the women around him, this also meant he was looking for distraction more and more often, and I was willing to give him that. To be perfectly honest, I felt sort of comfortable with how he started to prefer me more than others. I must have done something well.
Nevertheless, he was still rather quiet around me. It was fine that way. This time we lay in my room, dark blue light illuminating it just enough to make the silhouettes of our unclothed bodies visible. He lay on his back, looking up at the ceiling. He didn't give me the impression he was tired, moreso just trying to relax. I lay next to him, sideways, facing him while my hand caressed his upper body. The only sound audible was the rumble of the ship itself, which was something I grew attached to.
"What are you thinking about?" I asked him, feeling it was alright to have some small talk with him. There were no signs of him opposing it in that situation.
"Other women. Nothing you probably want to hear about right now," he sounded in a rather neutral tone. For a moment I looked down at his lower body, then up at his face again before answering.
"Doesn't seem you think of them in a way that would insult me," I gave him back with a smile.
"Maren still didn't reply. I'm actually worried about her. And I'm about to hand Nancy over to someone else, which is probably a big mistake," he said, and I couldn't help but show some noticeable interest in the latter.
"Hand her to someone else? Who?" I asked him, wondering about it, trying to think of who would be sort of a good choice to take care of her.
"I can't tell you. The less people know, the higher the chances are for her to remain undetected," he responded, and my hand moved down to his lower body, caressing him there.
"I still don't understand why you don't trust me. I've devoted two years to serving you, and I live on your ship and work for you since September last year already. It's half a year soon. Did I do something that would make you feel like you couldn't trust me?" Of course there was a giant reason for him to not do it, but there was no chance my cover was blown. Otherwise I would have been killed or sent back to Bretonia already.
"It's not about trust, but about control. Should anyone capture you at some point and ask you about Nancy, you'd be able to tell them. I want nobody else than myself to be able to answer that question."
My grip on him tightened. "Oh, nice, so if I get kidnapped and tortured to have people get the answer out of me, I wouldn't be able to give it to them, so they continue to torture me?" I asked him, mostly in jest while stroking him.
"It's almost as if I was asking my crew members to be loyal to me for a reason," he returned and grabbed my wrist, making me stop and let go of him. "Nancy means much to me. Probably more than she should, and probably more than most people on this ship would like it, especially Sombra, and Maren as well. Maybe even you. But I don't care. I invested almost three years into her, and millions of credits for her healthcare. I want this to work out. I want her to have a happy living despite all the limits she is forced to endure. I want her to live without getting abused by that pig Coleman.
I feel like the only way to ensure he doesn't take advantage of her is to imprison her on my ship, but she is obviously not getting happy here either. It's against her nature. So Adrianna came up with a solution, to give her into the hands of friends of her. That's why we're in Liberty right now, hiding cloaked behind this moon. Once I receive an answer from Adrianna's contacts, I'll bring Nancy away, and they hopefully take care of her. And I hope that little manipulative bastard doesn't find her. Otherwise I need to take care of him, once and for all."
He was obviously agitated, his grip on my wrist was making that very clear. He realized it and let go of me, and I climbed ontop of his body and looked down at him, brushing a strand of hair off his forehead. "You'd kill him?"
"I'm a billionaire and weapons dealer. I have enough money and contacts to hire people to do that for me. I have a friend in the LSF, the SIS owes me some favors, hell, I'm friends with the Montezuma Rogues, and if Silver finds out that pig is borderline-raping her, he'll never be safe again, no matter whether in Sirius or Gallia." He looked into my eyes as I lowered my head to peck his cheek. "It's such a bittersweet irony, don't you think? I'm owning a warship, capable of launching nuclear warheads at planets, powerful enough to destroy space stations and small fleets. We can move through Sirius and through Gallia without anyone noticing. We can jump from one of the sector to the other end in no time, and we're able to sustain ourselves for months and if necessary even years. I have carefully selected, reliable, skilled and loyal people around me, but even with all that money and power I can't solve these, on scale, small issues. It's frustrating."
I had turned around for a moment to grab the blanket and cover my back with it, then faced him again and lowered my body on his, burying him under me and the blanket. "Nancy isn't a small issue. You're trying to give her a new identity and hide the fact she is one of the most feared and hated terrorists of our age from billions of people. Just because you love her." I pecked his other cheek. "To be honest, if anyone was willing to invest as much time, money and nerves into my wellbeing as you did, I'd be both more thankful as well as, probably, fanatically in love with you, like Sombra is. To me, it looks like you're making yourself unhappy because of Nancy and every time you try to solve the issue, you get trapped deeper and deeper in your frustration. And the web of lies. There is no gain for you to keep this up, and chances are Nancy will never change positively. Chances are, all your effort will be for nothing."
He tried to push me off himself, but I clung onto him, both with my hand and with my lower body. "I know you don't like it, but you should focus on the people that want to be happy with you, not on those that will never be happy with you. She is nothing more than attracted to you, while you're surrounded by people who actually love you. Maren, Sombra, probably even Commander Aguilar. Hell, even I fell for your charme. You're literally inside me right now and you think of her instead. You're obsessed with her and don't realize how it ruins everything you enjoy so much for you."
It looked to me like he felt ashamed as he avoided my eyes. He turned his head to the side, looking away from me. "I liked our time on Canaria, Ezrael. I wonder whether you realize how you affect the people around you with your charme. What you feel for Nancy is probably the same Sombra, Maren, Sherry and I feel for you. It's probably just as frustrating for us to see you're having mostly eyes for her as for you to see she is only interested in getting the attention of other men instead of the attention of the one man who risked so much for her."
"You will get off me now, at once."
I got goosebumps from the way he commanded me. A chill ran down my spine. I was about to protest until he turned his head towards me and his gaze pierced mine. Insecure, I did as he commanded and moved closer to the wall, sitting there, covering myself with the blanket as he moved to sit up at the edge of the bed. He took the half-moist towel that had been below me earlier and used the dry parts to wipe his lower body. Then he bend forward to take his Apahanta suit, to put it on. "You should take the pill now before you forget about it."
It hurt that he said it that way. I know he didn't like relying on the woman to use contraceptives, but why bring it up right in that moment? I felt like he was putting me into my place, which was embarrassing as I played along, scooting over to my nightstand to do exactly what he suggested. He stood up, zipping his suit up with his back turned towards me. I felt awkward, especially for what I had said earlier to him. It wasn't a lie. he motioned for the door.
"Ezrael," I said, looking after him, just to see him stop without turning around. For a few seconds, I remained silent, before continuing. "I love you." After a few seconds, he continued to head for the door. "I don't want you to be mad at me again. It hurts!"
But he left without a word. I hadn't felt that embarrassed in a long time. I cried, and my psychosomatic distress caused me to vomit not much later again. I felt like a horrible mess. I later reflected the evening, trying to find out where my mistakes were, and where he was misbehaving. Only to come to the conclusion that I was an idiot.
My body is shaking uncontrollably. Something has changed. Something that will put me in a very difficult position. I learned about it yesterday in the evening when I had a check-in at the med-bay. The ship was still in Pennsylvania, in the very far outskirts of the system, remaining cloaked. Ezrael just brought Miss Sweetwater to Erie, where she will reside in a clinic until further notice. Had things not changed, I'd still have seen an advantage for Bretonia to have her in their hands, to make the Reavers fight for Bretonia as otherwise one of theirs would get harmed. Looking at what hell Ezrael had to endure because of Sangria, and how Silver apparently threatened him in case of him harming that bitch, I do believe that would have been a possible option for my house.
But things changed. A chain reaction. Bretonia is not only facing Gallia and the Corsairs, but also started a war with the Independent Miners Guild, and while I don't know what Bretonia's leadership thought when they started this war over one shipyard, they didn't seem to have expected things to explode the way they are doing right now. From how things look, Bretonia seems encircled and ensnared, losing more and more sympathy all over Sirius. More wars, less allies. I believe it is just a matter of time before it is over, and I am afraid the incompetent leadership won't be the ones suffering the consequences. I guess, should I be allowed to leave the Apahanta at some point in the future, I'll find Cambridge and New London either occupied or in ruins. Or both. Even with the changes here on the ship and in my very personal life, I believe I don't want to leave the Apahanta anymore. I believe I don't want to return to Bretonia. I think I belong here, and I think I need to make up for my mistakes.
We needed to talk. My relationship with the Captain was plagued by ambivalence, and I wanted this to end. I asked the ship about his location, and big surprise, he was at the observation deck as usual. He said he stopped creating personal logs as they could get used against him. I believe spending this much time at the observation deck is his way of reflecting things, internally.
I went there. When I arrived, I saw him and Noel. They had made it themselves comfortable infront of the panorama window on one lounger. Ezrael lay there, Noel on him in his arms. The young boy seemed to have dozed off. I knew the two had a very special relationship with another, like a big brother caring for his younger brother, but seeing them like this was always quite heartwarming. Made me wonder how they had ended up in that position. Noel had his head on Ezrael's chest, facing my direction with his eyes closed, his arms hanging down left and right from the lounger, while Ezrael's arms were wrapped around him to keep him in place. It was cute.
Approaching them, I made sure to make just enough noise to not surprise Ezrael but keep Noel undisturbed. "Do you mind it if I join for a while?" I asked the Captain, sitting down at the window after him nodding, leaning with my back against it to face him. "The crew seems to be dealing well enough with Rebecca's leave. Chief Engineer Isley seems to distract himself with the construction of these new turrets in the workshop. Who are these going to be sold to, by the way?"
"Nobody," my Captain responded quietly, his right hand stroking over the suited back of the young man lying on him. "Combat simulations have shown us a loadout combination that will improve our survivability in combat against any kind of conventional threat. We'll build these three new turrets, buy a few others at Livadia and what we don't use, we keep stored at the shipyard."
"Any intention to engage in a fight in the near future?" I asked him, but he shook his head.
"Purely for defensive purposes. That being said, once we do the jump into the unknown, we should be prepared for everything."
"So we stay out of the Omega conflict?" I asked, simply for clarification.
"We're allied with both Bretonia and the Zoners. We're not hostile to either of the currently involved contesting factions, except for the Corsairs. And we will only engage them if absolutely necessary. Should they attack us, they will regret it." Noel seemed to scoot a little bit, causing Ezrael to just hold him a bit more tighter to not have him fall off the lounger.
"Alright." For a while, I just sat there like that and both I and him kept silent. It was a slightly awkward silence, to be honest. I guess I shouldn't have told him that I love him. Brainstorming for a topic to talk about, it took me a while to find something to breach the silence. Just as I was about to open my mouth, however, he said something.
"It is weird, you know. Just after I brought Rebecca to Erie, Coleman sent me a message, asking about her." Ezrael stopped for a moment, taking in some air. I guess it was a bit more difficult with the weight of Noel's head on his chest. Although I heard him saying multiple times he is used to have other people's weight on his chest. Miss Hookier once said Miss von Westefeld usually uses him as a pillow and leaves a puddle of saliva on him each night since she salivates in sleep. "I am facing a dilemma here. I can't help but feel like I should not tell him anything about her. Simply not responding. Not telling her about her whereabouts, or simply telling him to fuck off and leave the poor girl alone. He caused nothing but trouble to her, manipulated her, took advantage of her. The one good thing he did was helping us rescuing her, and I don't get the feeling he did that for good sports but in his own interest. I'm deeply concerned about him causing even more harm to her the moment he steps back into her life."
"But?" I asked.
"My opinion on him is heavily biased against him. He took advantage of Maren when she thought I was dead. He took advantage of Nancy when Leon wasn't able to see her. I hate him, and it is vice versa. A sneaky little asshole. That being said, who am I to control Nanc- Rebecca for the rest of her life? It is eating up my resources, my nerves and time. Who knows, maybe Coleman is more cooperative now. After all, Silver let him live, and she will execute him faster than I could even if I wanted to in case of him doing any harm to Rebecca. That, and I gave him my word, meaning my credibility is at stake. I don't know how influental Coleman can be, but he is part of the Forlorn Hope and worked with the LSF. He is also in touch with mercs. I'm not afraid of him or the consequences of not keeping my words, but the possible consequences might make things more difficult than necessary."
"So the two contradicting points are Rebecca's wellbeing versus your credibility, which might impact the wellbeing of thirty people on this ship plus friends and family." I gave him a lopsided look.
"Makes me wonder whether you say that because you obviously have a hateboner Rebecca or whether you say that because it is a logical conclusion," the Captain said, and I couldn't stand his look at me for the moment, causing me to lower my glance.
"My opinion on her is based on how much of a burden she is to you. Some of the choices you made because of her were highly disadvantageous, and you frequently say that you care for your crew. Yet you risked keeping a known terrorist on your ship, endangering said crew with possible negative consequences. Imagine, for example, me suddenly no longer being welcome in Bretonia for supporting a terrorist? Given her reputation as Reaver, we could have gotten banned from all four houses because we offer her shelter. Aside from the egoistical reasons, there is also the fact that you are suffering because of her. I know you love her, but the stress you had to endure exposed yourself to problems and threats. Your heart, for example. You're not invincible, and no matter how much you work out and how buff you become and how healthy you eat, your heart is genetically weaker than a normal person's heart and stress will affect you easier."
"Shut up."
Silence. I had reached his vulnerable point again. He looked right past me out of the window at the Pennsylvania system. The silence lasted for multiple minutes, but I didn't want to leave. It would have meant to give in. The minutes were uncomfortable, though.
"I'll give him this one chance. If he fucks it up, he is a dead man." I started to hug my legs while sitting here, listening to him further. "Rebecca doesn't know it, but the robot I gifted her is programmed to keep an eye on her. It tracks her signals, just as her medical band does. As long as we're connected via neural net, Dr. Carr can check on her medical conditions and her location. So, if Coleman does anything wrong to her, hurt her, stress her out or take her away from the clinic, I will know. If she doesn't stay at the clinic, she can't receive her medical supplies. That would mean he would harm her that way, and that's really all information I need to give Silver to have her remove him permanently. I think that is the best compromise."
I kept sitting there, looking at him every now and then. Noel was slightly hugging Ezrael at this point, still napping. There was more silence.
"You know, I told you you wouldn't have the best job here, telling me things I don't want to hear. I didn't know we would have this so often," he sounded quietly.
"I'm an adult woman, Captain. I can handle it. You're not exactly the first person I had to tell uncomfortable things that sometimes were the truth." I gave him a soft smile.
"Good. Anything else?" he asked me.
I hesitated. Of course there was something I had to tell him. Something very, very important. But I didn't feel like it was the best timing to tell him about it. But then again, I had my doubts there would ever be a good timing for telling him about it. "I am pr-"
Just as I wanted to say it in the most blunt way I could have imagined, my voice was overtoned by an audio channel opened from the bridge. It was Commander Aguilar, summoning the Captain to the bridge with highest priority. She said something about a distress call they received from a ship called Titanic in Omicron Minor. Ezrael lifted Noel up and placed him on the lounger, and while Noel woke up from it and gave the Captain a questioning look, he only saw Ezrael running to the hallway, heading to the bridge. The young man then gave me the same questioning, tired look.
"You should get up. Things might get hot very soon." I told him, standing up myself. Short time later, we jumped directly into Omicron Minor.
The last two days were horrible, to me at least. The Apahanta jumped to Omicron Minor after having picked up a distress call from the CV-Titanic, a Bustard-class Vessel. His girlfriend, her daughter and some other girl were on it, apparently kidnapped. They didn't explain the background to me. Suspiciously, one of the three can't talk and the other two claim to not have had any idea why them and why it happened. I'd like to pretend I was trying to understand the entire story in order to help them as a counselor. Instead, however, my interest was peaked because of all the unanswered questions that made everything look extremely... conspirative. Ironically, it seems like I am the only person with conspirative thoughts about the entire story. The crew stands behind the Captain and doesn't question him, without really wanting to explain why. They mostly say it is a long story and them telling them would most likely be unadequate for the lack of knowing the entire background out of their head. So I learned that this was something big.
Given that nobody else was really willing to tell me the whole story, I figured it would be best to ask the protagonist of the story: Captain Vertiga. Knowing his habits, I knew where he would show up at some point. I wanted to stage the encounter as a random event. So I prepared myself and went for the observation deck, where the Captain goes to when he needs time to reflect. I was assuming he would need that time because of the recent events. Not only because of rescuing his girlfriend and her daughter from the Titanic, but also because... afterwards, the legendary RNC Schiller appeared in Minor, right after Ezrael escaped with his three ladies, just to moor with the Titanic. The Apahanta moved into the distance, cloaked and watched everything, eventually to have Captain Vertiga, from the sick bay, give order to uncloak and moor with the extremely obviously infested ship. He explicitly told the crew to vacate the area close to the airlocks, and said there was no need to establish any kind of security, claiming if they wanted to kill or infest anyone on the ship, they would succeed anyway, and that not provoking them was the better approach.
So he went there with his injured girlfriend, claiming there was something on the Titanic she needed to survive, and that the Schiller got it. No specifications. They entered the Schiller and returned after three hours back to the sick bay. The Captain ordered Dr. Carr to scan both Maren and himself, and while the Captain was unchanged, the scans of his girlfriend remained hidden from me. We jumped to Frankfurt, where he took the Attractive Rover to fetch his pets from Baden Baden in Stuttgart. The Apahanta remained hiddein in Frankfurt. He returned with a cute black cat with red-ish paws and the little dog Miss von Westefeld's daughter always carried around in the pocket of her oversized duster.
With a big amount of questions I sat down in the observation deck. Not on the bench, not on the lounger, not at the window but in the dark spot next to the window. I often sat there. Noel too. There were a few pillows that got changed every three days so they wouldn't start to smell. Making it myself more comfortable, I hid the blaster I brought with me behind my back in the pillows.
Unsurprisingly, he arrived three hours after dinner. That was his time. His pattern was mostly the same if there were no events. He entered the observation deck, visibly mind-absent. He wore his black leather jacket over his Apahanta suit, which was a thing he said he did because he felt like the Apahanta was considerably colder than Curacao. It didn't take long for the fruity scent his body was covered in reached my nose as he sat down on the bench, only then realizing he was not alone since my legs were reflecting the light of Omega-3's blue-white and the Walker Nebula's distant orange background lighting. "Don't you greet me anymore?" he asked me, and it was obvious I had slightly surprised him unintentionally.
"It looked like you had some intense thinking going on in the universe between your ears," I returned and smirked slightly at him.
"Well," he began, then sighed slightly, leaning back in the bench, spreading his thighs to stretch his legs for a moment. "I didn't get much rest since yesterday. Lots of things have happened, and it is weird to have Maren and her daughter and this mute girl on my ship. I don't know what to do about the latter."
I raised a finger to prevent him from proverbially talking like the waterfall he usually does. "Before you continue, I have to admit that I tried to find out how I can help you with all that. The problem is that I have no clue what actually happened. And why."
"Right? That's the core of the issue! It drives me nuts!" There was a bit of exaggeration in his voice. The reaction was obviously staged. The question was why he did that. The way he apologetically smirked at me made me think. "Sherry summed up what we know in the internal news. But even with her explaining the past, this doesn't answer much, doesn't it?" Staged.
"Could it be that Miss von Westefeld is infected?" I asked him bluntly.
For a moment, his mouth opened, then it closed within a second, then opened again. He frowned, shaking his head slightly. I wasn't sure whether he was staging that as well. It looked untypical for him, but so was my question. I didn't see his eyes, so I don't know whether he looked down when he responded. His head was slightly turned in my direction, though. "You mean because I was on the Schiller with her?" He dodged the question.
"Is she infected?" I asked again, giving him the look of a person that wanted to understand, not interrogate.
He hesitated, biting his cheek, looking out of the window. Bullseye.
"I'm not your enemy, Ezrael. I just wonder whether she is."
He didn't respond. Instead he looked out of the window, continuously biting his cheek. It looked like he was extremely stressed and I got the feeling the inner side of the cheek was bloody. He then stood up and my hand in the dark scooted slightly behind me, grabbing my gun. It was set to stun. I watched him walking closer to the window, then leaning against it with his back while he faced me. I believe he wanted to hide his face in the contrast. The light of the sun was bright and one was able to see the lint in the air, while everything in the shadows was very dark. "It is difficult, but she is not our enemy. But how did you find out?"
I gave him a flat look. To me, it was blatantly obvious. I knew there was something wrong with his relationship with her. "You continuously claim you love her, but you sleep with every single pretty woman that shows the slightest bit of interest in you." Shameless self-compliment. "You spend weeks away from her, you didn't leave her when she adopted a child against your will. For some reason you faked her death. She is with you for three years, which is probably the same amount of time of you having a NAP with the K'Hara nomads. The news said you went with her to the Vagrants in Omicron Lost, and it would make sense for her to be an ambassador in that regard. You were for three hours with her on a massive infested warship that is supposed to be a wreck. You don't love her but she is the guarantee the nomads leave the Apahanta alone. And every single older crew member seems to keep your secret with you. I'm certain that if I dig deep enough, I will have at least one of them confirm it, and I have the feeling your previous counselor dug too deep and didn't want to play along. My conversations with Miss Hookier were extremely dodgy, as if she had told her too much and wanted to avoid endangering me."
He continued to bite his cheek. "That is why you don't allow me to leave the ship. The six-month-rule, as you call it, where I am not allowed to leave the ship without you or Commander Aguilar with me. You want to make sure nobody can send unfortunate message out there. And I guess Commander Aguilar and you are looking at the contents of every single transmission in the outbox before sending it. Not that I'm surprised about that. The ship has hexangulating sensor systems to recreate anything that happened anywhere on the ship. Noel explained that to me."
I stopped. He sighed and made a step closer to me, and I pulled the gun out behind me, pointing at him, my finger at the trigger. I was shaking in fear. "Don't get any closer!" But he did, slowly coming closer. My hands were like stunned, the finger not pulling the trigger. He stood infront of me and then went on his knees, hovering above my legs, his legs left and right of mine. His exotic scent was dominating now. One hand stemmed against the wall behind me, the other was grabbing my gun. He didn't take it away from me, which he could have done easily. Instead he turned the safety off, switching from stun to kill, then leading the muzzle right against his chest, pressing it against it.
"I probably could tell you one story or another. In the end, I don't think you would believe me. I wouldn't know how to convince you. In fact, reflecting my own story, I'm not sure whether I'd trust myself. So I leave the choice to you. If you don't intend on trusting me, here is your chance to kill me. You'd probably make it to an escape pod before Commander Aguilar could react. She is sleeping now to prepare for the night." He gave me a firm but charming look. I was still shaking like crazy, his hand at the gun moved down to my hand, helping me holding the gun. "She is infected. It is exactly as you said, with the exception that I, against all odds, do love her. Her incubus has a psionic perception range of around two hundred meters, according to her, and we are less than fifty meters away from her. Her incubus is listening to every single word of mine and yours. She she was hostile, you would be dead already. Aneurism in your head, a rupture of your vital organs, a brain crush. The same way Aphrodite killed Stenn's daughter. Instantly, without any sign of violent contact from outside. However, the NAP I have with the K'Hara prevents her from harming you, even if you harm me. You could kill me and she wouldn't do anything. You could escape and tell everyone the Apahanta is dealing with the Nomads in some way," he said, not appearing angry or violent at all.
Had my bladder been filled, I probably would have pissed myself in fear. I was considering shooting him. I was considering letting him alive. It was obvious how conflicted I was. "I could say I'm not infected, Abs. But value do my words have to you now anyway," he later added, his head slowly approaching mine. I pressed the gun stronger against him, but his lips reached mine. For seconds, he kissed me, then released me. "I wouldn't want to die without a last kiss."
Seconds passed. Probably half a minute, most likely even more. He was patient, keeping up his charming smile. A minute passed, then I lowered the gun, set it back to stun and put it away. Tears were runnning down my cheeks. Then I couldn't hold it back anymore. He scooted closer and embraced me, my head at his shoulder. Not knowing anything better to do, I let my arms wrap around his back. He sat on my tighs, my sight entirely covered by his chest, his Apahanta suit and his leather jacket. I cried for a few minutes until I sort of stabilized myself, just us holding each other. "...What now?" I asked him quietly with my weak and slightly muffled voice.
"I will explain everything to you. I want you to understand why things are this way, and why this isn't bad for us. Keep the gun with you, if you want. I trust you, though, and I hope you trust me just as much as everyone else on this ship does. Many of them know. Sombra, Leon, Adrienna, Sherry and pretty much everyone who was on the Apahanta one year ago already." He pecked my forehead. "I'm not infected. Only Maren is. So you don't need to be worried about me kissing you, by the way." Weakened from crying and fear, I just sat there when he released me, looking at his chest with unfocused glance. "Thank you for not killing me, Abs. I thought you would do it..."
I would have killed him if my unborn child wasn't from him. The question I asked myself was more whether he would kill me if he found out about it. And time was running. I was in the third month and my belly began to bulge...