Captain Alexander Daniels, is now wanted by Melissa and I believe this new Velvet wing. I'm unsure what to feel about this, according to others that I trust he is now infected. Melissa says that a infection can be cured but I feel in some ways she is deliberately lying to me to save me from further suffering if Daniels dies. I'm unsure of where to go or progress from here, Daniels was the one who introduced me to Daeira and the brief joy I got from speaking to her. He is a rogue entity surviving on the fringes of space and for awhile, I thought I had found someone I could confide in. I admit my own attractions towards him but now, they are gone replaced with suffering thoughts that I must let go of to live.
This is the way of the universe now it seems, I'm not confident in a peaceful result with Daniels. It may be callous and in some sense, unsympathetic of me to say that if he is infected then his death would be a release. I have long held the belief that being infected effectively kills the self of a being, you are no longer who you were when you were reborn. You are something different, something connected to a mindshare of the violent nature of Nomads. Still, my heart is too caring not to be fully unsympathetic and I find myself worrying to often about him.
This is nothing compared to the suffering going on in Omega-3, vast ships of Bretonia and the Crayter republic firing at each-other and a defenceless station. I wish I could fix it, but trying to change it would only lead to more suffering. My thoughts must e skilled, controlled and in a sense diplomatic. As a Zoner I must care about what happens to edgeworld stations but as a Buddhist I must remain neutral. I do not know who to support, part of me says Bretonia but also a part of me says the IMG. I don't know what side to support, the expansionist empire of Bretonia or the independence movement of the IMG and it's allies.
I don't know when it will end, I must concentrate on my own plans for the future. The Temple at Pygar is nearly complete and beyond that, perhaps becoming or seeing about becoming a administrator of Freeport 9. These plans are perhaps too big for me, and admittedly I have no idea of who runs Freeport 9 but we shall see.
I may be important to great thinkers to examine the world, to explain and despise it. But I think it is only important to love the world, not to despise it.
Diana spoke to me once more, she was in New York. Her conversation with me only confirmed my worries for her, she believes wholeheartedly in the superiority of the Nomads. I could not will it within myself to break that belief that she has, even if I truly know it to be false. For her it is everything, her life, her feelings, her emotions and her core. To her, the Nomads are there for salvation not destruction and to her they shall spare her for her worship. I am a fool, I am suffering in not telling her the ultimate truth because it would bring her so much suffering in turn.
Can these worshippers be converted, can infected be cured and can we forgive each other for the crimes done in the same of a aggressive species bent on our own destruction. I am a fool, I am suffering in not telling others of Daniels' conversations with me, of his supposed innocence and I cannot believe him. I was in love!, it blinded me and I'm unsure of where to take these feelings within me. I never told him, I never gave in to that desire and for that I am suffering. I need love, I need happiness and I need to concentrate on those I have rather then those I may lose due to myself and my belief.
So many have left, I was surprised to see John once more but even he I can feel slipping into a quest with these voided of his. I can see that he may pass on, his energy reforming into another form. I am a fool, I am suffering due to worrying of other friends and their own suffering. We all experience suffering, sometimes we lose what we care about, we are seperated from those we love, our bodies fail us as we get older, we feel helpless or hurt. Dukkha guides me in these times, I am suffering in the impermanence of things, friendships, lives, conversations and trust. There is no easy way out for me, I have to accept this life.
I have to continue being myself, being true, being happy. I need to do more.
Every time one notes an object well it gives rise to delight. As a result of this, practice becomes enjoyable
Yesterday was a good day, yesterday I avoided violence and saved lives. I am pleased that this happened, but not proud that would be unbecoming of me. Helping another is one of the strongest tenants of my Buddhist life. I met a young girl of 17, Nataly and I helped her go from the uncertainty of LIberty to the freedom of the Omicron-Theta. I gave her enough credits to survive on the Freeport and shelter at my temple. This has brought me good Karma, this has helped me through the brief depression that I have felt since hearing of Daniels. Perhaps in time Nataly shall become a Buddhist and teacher like I am now.
Before that day, I did do violence. I held a gun in my hands and I threatened harm to a man's genitals. I did it to save another, I chose the best of two options, walking away or helping. I even brought out the small martial arts that I do indeed know and practice for meditation purposes and self-defense just in case. Violence is always a option with me, I am no fool. He was not hit that hard I only aimed to disable him. The woman I was with was, Franzsiska a legionnaire. She left behind a mysterious blank piece of paper, I'm unsure if it had something on it and I need someone with more scientific knowledge to inspect it. The last I saw her she was getting arrested by LSF, who then gave chase to me.
I was shot at by LSF for helping her, managing to hide within the Nebula in Kansas. I admit my heart is beating at thinking of that event, my former smuggler days came back to me briefly before I pushed them out of my mind. It has been a few exciting days for me, brief violence, good karma but also my heart is still there for others. I can only hope that Nataly does not befall the same fate as many of my friends seem to do now.
Back to trading now, the long hours give me thought.
A pause gives you breathing space so listen to the whispers of the real you waiting to happen.
Nataly is settling in well, as much as she can from being a homeless starving pirate to a Buddhist monastery. I thought she would leave within the first day, it is something I expected her to happen being a runaway. She remained and we had a beautiful conversation, could this be another to break my heart or perhaps save it. Mindfullness is ever present, we are not broken things to be mended anymore. Do I dare to believe that? That I can move on from the pains of losing my loves and open myself to that influence once more. I struggled, then I had a breakthrough, then I now struggle harder. I went back easy and full of energy. I laughed. I cried. I felt like a very heavy weight had been lifted from my back. I felt like life didn’t have to be so damn hard anymore.
I learned to recognize the real me. I learned that if I’m not choosing my experiences, my actions, and my feelings, Karma will choose for me. I learned that it’s not necessary to listen to, analyse, or try to change Karma. All I need to do is recognize when it is Karma talking and not me. And not believe it. And not act on it. I am of course ignorant, Aland fell despite the resistance from Lokria and John. I'm unsure how this happened, it seemed unlikely to me but I am no military expert. I have also learned that Freeport 11's administrator is on leave, 11...the place of violence and Velvets now. I am considering running for a administrator position but I have no idea of how to proceed in such a endeavour.
Now, I must be happy, prepare myself for the greatest battle ahead: Dinner with a date. I admit I am very nervous, goodness it seems like when I first met Myung all those years ago. I shall enjoy myself and I shall enjoy others company. We shall see what happens with this.
If the hurt comes so will the happiness. Be patient.
So much has happened within the last week. A whirlwind of emotions to fight oneself over, other Buddhists would perhaps give up hope in themselves and others but I am stronger than that. There was a confrontation I had, with a Molly of which I was certain of my energy passing on. The situation was indeed tense and precarious but I believe my politeness and peaceful attitudes preventing my demise. Sometimes I want to cry silently to myself, shelter myself away from others and suffering. It's a notion that comes and goes, like waves on a great ocean of depression.
I have dropped my nomination for Freeport 11 administrator, it took me some time to finally commit to this. It seemed obvious at the time that I was the best suited individual, but that was my pride and soul getting in the way of the hard truths. I am not strong enough to handle the comings and goings within Delta. Life can sometimes feel unbearably serious, overwhelming, and urgent. Like it’s just one fire to put out after another. Melissa convinced me to support her nomination instead and looking back on it she has the military mind for the task. I am a peaceful soul, she wished to protect me from the stresses of that life.
I have felt my mind is not balanced recently, my relationship with Nataly has taken a strange and worrying turn. I am concerned for her and if she is continued to be hunted, or me. I was a target for a potential poisoning. A poisoning that was intended for me, I have little enemies and those who knew me in my past have not hunted me down. I'm unsure of who would hate me, Diana? She seems too innocent to try to hurt me and I would notice her immediately. Perhaps some agent of the Mollies but I left that conversation with good intentions, except I do have their device still. Franziska perhaps, I forgot about that mystery in handling Nataly and her needs. I don't know where to turn, I should press on in investigating as best as I can.
This is how all of us grow by doing. By allowing ourselves to be where we are until we learn to get beyond it. By learning from every struggle and setback. No one can jump from zero to a hundred. No one can wake up an expert on something new. I simply have to go through the process. I can use all my energy asking questions, doubting myself and judging myself. Or I can move forward, one tiny, imperfect step at a time. if I could, I’d spend forever floating in the mindstream of sparkling ideas instead of hopping my way through an obstacle course of problems, often feeling blinded.
Who is hospitable and friendly,
Liberal and unselfish,
A guide, an instructor, a leader,
Such a one to honor may attain.
Joyous occasions, Melissa Jones is now official the Administrator of Freeport 11 and I bore witness to the mechanisms that made it so. My once important strive to become Administrator is replaced by a certain proudness of Melissa becoming it instead. I am quite happy in these times, I was among heroes of neutrality and I do believe the very famous Doc Holiday was there. I am very interested in what the future holds for my fellow Zoners and I hope that peace can be achieved with the Omicron factions at least as close as possible. I now know what it means to be a Zoner I believe to have an unwavering neutral understanding of all parties involved.
Certainly my personal experiences with hardship, finding spirituality within Buddhism and the pain that I have felt in space made me an unfit role for Freeport 11 Admin. I'm unsure of what to do now, I'm not too sure if I should think of what to strive for now. I should be content with my temple, helping those that come in with spiritual questions and assisting in the constructions of Pygar. Long ago I thought that one should not try to change the universe, it only leads to suffering but now I have saw an action that I do wholly believe to be an action that will bring less suffering.
In other news, I met John again along with his mysterious Voided. He explained that they are ascended humans, news of which I took in great curiosity and a new renowned sense of my belief. Humans, ascended from another plane, if true then all I have known about enlightenment and rebirthing into Nirvana to obtain Buddhahood is true. I had my doubts of my religion, the constant fighting, the constant suffering and those who targeted me brought me no end of unrelated insecurity of my religion. I am now reborn, with a new sense of helping, if only John knew how much he has changed me, either on purpose or inadvertently. It seems so long ago but it has only been a few months since I set out from Junyo, happiness in my heart and determination within me. Now, I bared witness to a momentous occasion for Sirius as a whole. I can only hope that I continue to be this happy for my fellow beings.
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
Hm, was my last diary entry that long ago? Goodness, how busy I have been.
I am constantly reminded of my early adventures within this Verse and lately I was reminded even more. A new Freelancer has arrived within space, her name is Anna and she pilots a ship called the Red Cherry. I admit that same brings some more obtuse thoughts within my head and that is probably the intention. I followed her for some time, she has a passion for revenge against the Rogues for they killed her parents. I too had this passion for revenge once, that fiery soul that burns so bright and fast. Revenge seems to offer relief, and we are tempted to believe it will help us but this attitude is not wholesome. There is a Buddhist precept not to “harbour ill will.” But the unconscious shall bring ill will up. your subconscious knows that it has been wounded and legitimately wants to be healed. Loving-kindness can help, it has helped with me. I was once very afraid and in a word of pain from my experiences on Junyo.
Like a distressed child i appreciated these comforts. The true way to disperse ill will is to see directly into its empty nature. My teacher, taught me that when we breathe out, we can let go of ill-will pure mind. At the next inhale we start-anew with clear, pure mind. Over time like with me, it shall disappear all together. This is the nature of beginner's mind, but I feel my Buddhist leanings shall be lost on this new Freelancer. Nevertheless I intend to watch her, see how she goes in the wide world and perhaps in future make a donation to her.
I other news, I suppose I am now single once more. I have not seen Natalie for some time and, her absence does concern me. I finally completed the trading tasks for Melissa and was payed quite well. I used some of these credits in furthering development on Pygar, but yet I feel a sense of personal betrayal from myself. I have assisted in allowing Velvet to build a offensive ship. Against the Nomads for now but, that may change with the rapid changing of allegiances within the Edge Worlds. It was not so long ago that Zoners were seeking to take revenge against Bretonia for their imperialistic expansion into the Omegas. Perhaps I am overly concerned, Melissa has helped me much and her gang of Velveteers are very skilled. I only hope they realise about the odd, Crimson ships that desire blood. Very peculiar and, worrying. For now, I go on hoping to have interesting conversations and furthering peace in the Edge.
The beggar walked on from house to house watching the sense doors, well restrained, alert and mindful. Soon his bowl was full.
Joyous occasions all around, a celebration is soon in order I believe. My long held wish of affecting more of the goings on in the Omicrons may soon come to pass. I admit my jubilations must be contained to have my mind be balanced for what is to come. When i was just a comfort woman on Shikoku, I never imagined my life leading up to this moment. I only wish that my daughter was still here to see me, how proud she would of been. Family, it comes back to me now and then but I do miss my daughter Hye-Hwa, there are many days when I pray for her. I can only hope she has been reborn with good Karma in this wide universe.
I believe I am ready to become administrator, I admit I am a little nervous of the whole ordeal and still overwhelmed that I am actually doing this. I must concentrate on what matters to be a Zoner administrator, the neutrality, the non-violence and the respect. The brotherhood are lead by a very eccentric individual and speaking with him will surely be a experience and a test for my commitment. As for the other ones within Theta, the Apostates shall indeed be a challenge. I cannot truly support either side, I must now let my left-wing leanings aside for now in order to facility the need for neutrality. I can only hope that I shall be able to continue peace within Theta and encourage it elsewhere perhaps. Some say I am foolish to have these peaceful leanings, but I feel they are a strength.
Don’t run away from things that are unpleasant in order to embrace things that are pleasant. Put your hands in the earth. Face the difficulties and grow new happiness.
So much has happened that I could not find time to make a diary entry until now. It has been two weeks of excitement, sadness, happiness and above all else mindfulness. I am now Probational Administrator of Freeport 9, a position that comes with many perks and many duties. I now preside over a very important trading station in the Omicrons, next to Freeport 11 and in a region of space contested by two groups. I have yet to meet them officially, I have heard many things of both. Corsairs in the Brotherhood are unpredictable and drug-addled, lead by a leader who has quite the infamy. Custodi are more regal and sometimes dangerous, I have not met many but I have heard stories.
Recently my leadership was tested with a corporate group, Synth Foods. They appear to have breached the NFZ by building one of their own bases in orbit of Pygar. Admittedly this did not seem much of a problem for me as they are transporting desperate migrants from Gran Canaria. However in thinking on it, those desperate huddled masses in woeful accommodations on the ships they brought does fill my mind with bad images. So I have officially joined in on protesting their use of large transports to bring the migrants to Pygar and this seemed to be a reasonable request.
Then after meditation, I see a report from a Velvet that they have breached the NFZ with jumping away in bustards. Not only is this a breach of rule 4 but it is also a breach of a new rule of jumping away within the NFZ. This is simply a outrage, and I hope it will not go unanswered. It took some time for me to meditate and calm my emotions going forward. I must be the best that I can be for this role. A neutral rock in a sea of different opinions.
Hatred does not cease through hatred but through love alone they cease.
I met someone who represents Aṅgulimāla to me, a man so committed to sewing hatred, evil and indeed murder for his own joy and well-being. He had no remorse, I looked into his eyes and saw a storm of emotions that culminate in this evil shape. I was not scared, I stood my ground and I stared death directly in the eye and told him to kill me but he did not, his blade did not cut across my throat and I did not move on to the next path. Perhaps in my fearless, I scared him someone who would not back down, would not fight simply someone who was there, a being giving nothing but kindness back to his hatred. My love for him, my spiritual love is the same as any other who come to me for guidance. A yearning, a wishing of to convert this man from one of war and murder to one of peace and redemption.
Can he truly be redeemed? Aṅgulimāla was, or so the legend says. The Buddha taught that the fire of anger can burn up everything we have done to bring happiness. This man said and did unskilful and unmindful things. But his actions arise from his own suffering. He may just be seeking some relief, hoping to survive in this dangerous universe. He is suffering, perhaps he needs my help, not my anger. I have accepted the way things are, I am able to love everything and everybody. What this man has, it is a spiritual illness. His heart is tormented by that pain.
Enlightenment is just another name for boundless love but should I devote my time and energy to repairing what may be irreparable, to someone who may not listen and simply cast off my body as he has done to many others? These are questions that flood my mind, the evil in men and the evil back in the Houses that I left behind. I went on a journey with one who believes in Amaterasu. She carried the message of love, compassion, forgiveness, tolerance, contentment, and discipline. It is a wonderful thing to have variety, It is an expression of individuality. The variety of the different Sirius religious philosophies is a very useful and beautiful thing to me, they give me great wisdom to meditate on. In these coming days, I must be tremendous, limitless and content with the way things are.
I cannot change the universe, this only leads to suffering and I have no more room in my heart for hate.