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From: Arturo Fernando Konstantin de Malinovsky y Ruiz, Head of Security, Williams-Mordhauser Distributing
To: The Shogun of the Blood Dragons, may your shame be not over-great.
CC: Hogosha, Golden Chrysanthemums, Kusari public communications

For your attention,
a matter of great import
given in haiku.

A child of some kind
(Let us call her "ojou-chan")
has brought you much shame.

Are they boy or girl?
they do not seem very sure,
may need some counseling.

They pretend also
to be one of your daimyo
but that can't be true.

BDs crave honour,
they stand steadfast in battle
against heavy odds.

Not this imposter,
Who bullied unarmed merchants
but fled against guns.

Against two gunships
with crews that were untested,
they brought a dreadnought.

Yet even with this,
they failed to stand and battle,
they lost nerve and ran.

Instead they made boast
of a "big-titted girlfriend"
who they *swear* is real.

This "ojou-chan"
Then abandoned New Tokyo
to our puny guns.

With such heinous acts,
they do besmirch your honour
before all Sirius.

We hope you make haste,
and chastise this imposter
who makes mock of you.

Or else Blood Dragons
would be forever disgraced
by such cowardice.

-Arturo Fernando Konstantin de Malinovsky y Ruiz, Head of Security, Williams-Mordhauser Distributing

***Unofficial Communique, Williams-Mordhauser Distributing***
***Sender Identified: General Secretary Caroline Convair***

Addendum
[Image: Iq4ejno.jpg]

Believe me, this was as much fun to write as it was to read.

Signed,
-Caroline S. Convair, General Secretary, Williams-Mordhauser Distributing

The Blood Dragons

"Those without fear are not brave; those who have no fear, are fools destined to die learning the truth."
The Blood Dragon Shogunate

You assault the Hayabusa with two gunships and speak of honor?

You insult a Daimyo, a man who has earned the title he bears and the command he holds?

And you call a Dragon "nonexistant" despite having discussed with her not an hour ago on things you cannot comprehend, nor will ever be able to grasp without us dumbing it down to the kindergarden level you inhabit.

Our honor remains inviolate. The Fusou arrived to safeguard the Hayabusa and the Dragon Sister that commanded her. And when that was done, it chose to not give chase to little more then flies, ones who fled the moment Fusou's main cannons roared in animosity. He, run from such pathetic vessels? No, Madoka-san chose to show mercy, and stay a heavy hand of destruction. No...you see, Malinovsky-san, he stood steadfast as you ran with your tail between your legs. Then he left, his responsibility of defending Hayabusa, complete.

You insult Madoka, but in truth you must be maladjusted. For you, Malinovsky-san, so unsure of your masculinity, a boy who can wear a kimono and still be sure of his manhood must be threatening. it is quite sad you are so terrified that his gentle voice and soft features make you quake, unsure of your masculinity, your sexuality, that you must lash out like a child unsure of what he wants. It is saddening you resort to aspersing haiku, instead of exploring the sexuality you so fear is warped at the mere words of Daimyo Miyafuji. It is a terrifying path, the one of self discovery, but maybe you shall find your answer in the arms of a man of equal despicable stature and hygiene as yourself.

And you, Convair-san - my apologies, Neppu-Chan, you, who are so unsure of his gender and fear you might be in love with women, that you must lash out and question his gender...it is quite troubling, your fear of self exploration. Maybe you and Malinovsky-san can spend your time reviewing yourselves and what you believe. But what saddens me is you, who is so offended that Madoka can dress and wear a skirt, a kimono, even jeans better than you ever will, resort to such childish culmniations. You cannot match your outfits and weep that a mere boy has more better comprehension of fashion than you, that instead of asking for help dressing, and not the outdated fashion catalogues you must peruse when waiting for the libertine ignorami to manage to count past three syllables. My, you should talk to your mother if you are so desperate. Tell me, did you need to use the NeurelNet to actually get past the fourth syllable, or do you just derogate and deride. But your words are like the seed head of dandelions - one breeze and you are nothing. You are floundering in the wind, against a great wind, a wind that shall descend upon you like a typhoon.

Enjoy the fun of your haikus. When the Dragons descend, all we shall leave is ash and sorrow. You have slapped a dragon that disregarded you.

Now you shall understand why you do not wake a sleeping dragon.

And if these words make no sense to your elementary minds, I shall dumb my words down to your low, low level.

Malinovsky-san, stop being scared for your manhood, if you think you are gay then say so and take being rejected by Madoka like a man.

Neppu-chan, stop being offended that Madoka can dress better than you in girl's clothing, and stop being so self-conscious that even us Kusarians have bigger boobs than you. Oh, and that he is far more powerful than you when he puts on a skirt. Not that you could even put on a skirt without a tutorial.

And if we ever see you again, mercy is looking the other way.

And the only therapist we need is the one to get us over the PTSD from reading such a terrible haiku.

Otsukaresama desu

Shogun Natsumi Hideyoshi

Recorded Audio, Williams-Mordhauser Corporate Headquarters - July 26th, AS 823, 0030 Hours.

HOWARD WILLIAMS (CEO): "Get a load of this: 'No, Madoka-san chose to show mercy, and stay a heavy hand of destruction.' Funny, their 'mercy-staying' sure looked a lot like running to me."
ARTURO MALINOVSKY (HEAD OF SECURITY): "I gotta say, boss: they sure seem obsessed with putting us to their standards of 'honour', when they're not refusing to follow it themselves."
CAROLINE CONVAIR: (GEN. SEC.): "'Honour'? You mean cowardice and petty extortion? They might as well be the Liberty Navy."
FINN MORDHAUSER (CFO): "Ooh! Looks like the shogun's reply hit a nerve there, *neppu-chan*."

[LAUGHTER]

CC: "Don't be absurd, Mr. Mordhauser; "offended that Madoka can dress and wear a skirt, a kimono, even jeans better than you ever will", what am I? Sixteen? Is that supposed to be an insult? Personally, I think it's rather telling that the best this child could do was insult my fashion sense. Clearly they couldn't find anything more substantive than that."

[MOMENT OF SILENCE]

CC: "And what the f**k does 'Neppu-chan' mean anyways? I'm not even sure that's grammatically correct."
FM: "Wow, I hate to say this, but you're sounding as insecure as they are."
HW: "Speaking of insecure, get a load of this: "For you, Malinovsky-san, so unsure of your masculinity, a boy who can wear a kimono and still be sure of his manhood must be threatening. it is quite sad you are so terrified that his gentle voice and soft features make you quake, unsure of your masculinity, your sexuality, that you must lash out like a child unsure of what he wants" - Arturo, you're still gay right?
AM: "Pansexual, boss. Like Donnie, but with standards."
HW: "Oh? So what about it? Daydreaming about falling asleep in Ojou-chan's steady arms?"

[LAUGHTER]

AM: "What am I? A Catholic priest?"
HW: "So that's a no?"
AM: "Boss, Clan Malinovsky's been guilty of many, many things over the centuries: murder, rape, grand larceny, petty larceny: but paedophilia ain't one of them."
CC: "Personally, I think he's projecting."
HW: "What's that supposed to mean?"
AM: "It's when you assign your own subconscious desires to other people."

[MOMENT OF SILENCE]

AM: "What? I read."
HW: "So you're saying this shogun's some kinda... kiddy-fiddler?"
FM: "Well, if they've inherited all the rest of the pre-space samurai's traditions... Have you ever heard of this thing called 'shudo', Howard?"
HW: "Do I really want to?"
FM: "No. No, you really don't."

[AWKWARD SILENCE]

FM: "Wait, there's more."
HW: "You wha- actually?"
CC: "Let's see 'Enjoy the fun of your haikus. When the Dragons descend, all we shall leave is ash and sorrow. You have slapped a dragon that disregarded you.' Oh my, that is precious."
AM: "These are the same idiota who couldn't even hold a system one jump away from them against two gunships, right?"
FM: "Personally, I'd like to see them try. I'd give them ten minutes in the Sinestre Field before they mistake a rock for a cruiser, and decide to 'show mercy' all the way back to Chugoku with their tails between their legs."
CC: "It ends with some kind of incomprehensible gobbledygook and 'the only therapist we need is the one to get us over the PTSD from reading such a terrible haiku.'"
HW: "Huh, would you look at that."
AM: "What?"
HW: "They'll even break and run from terrible poetry."

[EXTENDED LAUGHTER]

AM: "My poetry is not terrible."

Transmission Lost

//((Sorry, not my best work. It is a bit late - ))

Lord Hisano Kimura, Ambassador of the Blood Dragons.

The Blood Dragon Shogunate

My Shogun, I apologize to intrude upon your conversation, but I must, to put down this dumb firefight. It appears that attempting to converse with a power hungry company has led to nothing but petty argument. You sound like a bunch of drunken imbeciles. We caught your trader fair and square, transporting contraband illegal to both us and the Kusari Naval Forces. Be wary that does not mean we work together, as it seems, with your attitude and stupidity, you would believe that. We carry a similar system of laws and government, but I would expect a bunch of foreigners to never understand such a thing as honor and morals. You dare to call us mere extortionists, when you come into the heart of Kusari, filled to the brim with illegal goods. Then when I come upon your gunships, you demand more than I previously asked for towards your trader. This is obvious hypocrisy.

The way you bark, it is like the call of an irritated little puppy who got his dinner taken away. And the way you fight, well, let's say, it was...less than average. It took you halfway across New Tokyo to take a gunship's shield down. And then the crew of your 'Thunderchild' fell asleep and gave me the chance of passing through the trade lane then to the jump gate. Then when a bigger ship of ours comes charging, you run, again, much like little puppies, but this time, instead of your tails wagging, your tails are the ones under your hides. I find it funny you dared to commit yourselves to contraband trading at all with the 'skills' you own. A real smuggler would always carry a powerful escort on the ready. I say that because it seems you require the advice.

It is fully safe to say that your 'corporation' is nothing but a sapling as of now, and your petals have barely grown. You would not last one moment when it comes to fighting the powerhouse known as Samura. They would swallow you whole like a fresh skewer of yakitori served with a bottle of sake on a nice evening. The Blood Dragons have fought this evil for centuries, and you? To claim that the Blood Dragons are nothing but little wyrmlings, is to spit in the face of the leader of a house. That is truly outright stubborn and obstinate.

I apologize to cut this short, but...Your petty insults and arguments will not be tolerated. It appears you are nothing but an infant company that seems to aspire to be no higher than Samuran scum, and corrupt corporate executives and officials. You have the audacity to insult the Shogun, of all people. One cannot be more simpleminded than this. You may consider this communications channel closed, Williams-Mordhauser Distributing. The Blood Dragons hereby declare you enemies of the state and are to be shot on sight. From now on, please refrain from contacting us again, as you will not get one response. And if you meet us in space...the only response you will be receiving is the scorching fire of the Blood Dragons. Sayonara.

-Signed, Lord Hisano Kimura, Ambassador of the Blood Dragons.

Recorded Audio, Williams-Mordhauser Corporate Headquarters - July 26th, AS 823, 0530 Hours.

CAROLINE CONVAIR (GEN. SEC.): "This is a terrible idea"
HOWARD WILLIAMS (CEO): "This is a brilliant idea."
FINN MORDHAUSER (CFO): "'-but petty argument. You sound like a bunch of drunken imbeciles-'. Childish insult with pretensions to verbosity: Howard, drink."
HW: "Oh boy."
ARTURO MALINOVSKY (HEAD OF SECURITY): "Is he gonna be okay after all this, I see a lot of really pretentious insults in there."
FM: "Don't worry, he'll be fine. '-Be wary that does not mean we work together, as it seems, with your attitude and stupidity, you would believe that.'"
HW: "Don't the Japanese have a term for this sort of thing? Sun-berry or something."
CC: "The term is 'tsundere', Mr. Williams. I believe it's rather common in Kusari media."
FM: "Great: cribbing lines from third-rate children's cartoons. Ms. Corvair, drink."
CC: "You people will be the death of me."
FM: "'a bunch of foreigners to never understand such a thing as honor and morals-' Who's got 'pig-headed xenophobia' on the chart."
HW: "You do, Mordhauser."
FM: "Well, bottoms up."
AM: "My turn to take a look at this trainwreck: 'You dare to call us mere extortionists-' did we ever 'dare' to call them 'mere extortionists'?"
HW: "You know, I don't think we ever did. I reckon the extortionist community would be shocked and appalled to be compared to such people."
AM: "'it is like the call of an irritated little puppy who got his dinner taken away.-' Mr, Williams: drink."
HW: "Well, I suppose this is one way to get rid of the bad scotch."
FM: "What are you saving the good scotch for?"
HW: "A message from someone important. The Hogosha seem alright. I bet they'd actually stand and fight too."
AM: alright, lesse: 'you run, again, much like little puppies, but this time, instead of your tails wagging, your tails are the ones under your hides-' funny, I distinctly recall that we were in possession of New Tokyo at the end of the day, and they weren't."
FM: "That counts as revision of history to suit their needs."
AM: "That's mine, isn't it."
HW: "Yup."
AM: "I'm surprised they didn't try to spin their gunship begging for help from an Unarmed GMG hauler before their battleship showed up."
HW: "Kid, there's some things no amount of bulls**t can hide."
[MALINOVSKY SUDDENLY BREAKS DOWN IN UNCONTROLLABLE LAUGHTER]
CC: "What is it, Malinovsky?"
AW: "Get a load of this idiot: 'A real smuggler would always carry a powerful escort on the ready.' do these two-bit windbags even know what smuggling is?"
[MORE LAUGHTER, THIS CONTINUES FOR SEVERAL MINUTES]
HW: "Moving on: 'your 'corporation' is nothing but a sapling as of now, and your petals have barely grown-' that's... actually pretty poetic, right there.
FM: "Eh, Arturo could probably do better."
AM: "Aww, tha-"
FM: "Not much better though."
HW: "'The Blood Dragons have fought this evil for centuries-' why do decrepit powers on the way out always harp on about their history?"
CC: "Possibly because once you take away money, zeal, influence, power, and competence, tradition is all you have left."
HW: "Hmm... 'It appears you are nothing but an infant company that seems to aspire to be no higher than Samuran scum, and corrupt corporate executives and officials-' are they..."
FM: "Are they sucking up to us?"
AM: "No idea, but I bet these 'Samuran scum' don't dress themselves up in some kind of childlike parody of the most decadent and morbund period of pre-space Japan because they think katana are the coolest thing ever."
[AWKWARD SILENCE]
AM: "What, I told you guys already! I read things!"
FM: "Is there any more?"
CC: "Mostly just empty threats."
FM: "How many empty threats?"
CC: "A paragraph's worth."
AM: "F**k."
FM: "What?"
AM: "We're supposed to finish a drink for each grandiose threat they issue to compensate for the fact that they're a pathetic huddle of reactionaries who have almost no ability to project power beyond their own headquarters system."
CC: "Who's listed as having to do that?"
AM: "Uhm, all of us."
FW: "Oh no."
CC: "Oh no."
HW: "Oh yeah!"

Lord Hisano Kimura, Ambassador of the Blood Dragons.

The Blood Dragon Shogunate

"As previously stated, Williams-Mordhauser Distributing, this communication channel will now be closed and secured as you are now enemies. The Blood Dragons are tired of your pointless spiel. Please save it for a faction more interested in your business, and know that you are not welcome in Kusari. Whether you are brave enough to try and smuggle through Kusari anyways...is your choice. From now on, we will not be in contact with you. Enjoy the last sip of the drink, because if you're counting my insults, that won't be enough to finish it."

-Signed, Lord Kimura Hisano, Ambassador of the Blood Dragons.

*She gives a menacing wink with a smirk before the screen fades to static, sound cutting out as the channel closed on the Williams-Mordhauser end, giving the error message; 'A fatal error in the communications channel has occured. If you see this message, this communication channel is likely unsafe and personal information could be leaked to the other end. Please exit the channel.'*

Williams-Mordhauser Corporate Headquarters - July 26th, AS 823, 0730 Hours.

Arturo Fernando Konstantin de Malinovsky y Ruiz blinked dumbly for a moment as the vidscreen came back to life again. Maybe Ms. Convair had been right: this drinking game had been a bad idea.

Maybe the head of security should have been unsurprised when the face of the Blood Dragons' ambassador popped up on-screen. Maybe if he'd been sober, he would have been.

"-As previously stated, Williams-Mordhauser Distributing, this communication channel will now be closed and secured as you are now enemies."

"I thought they weren't talking to us anymore," Caroline Convair moaned from the other side of the room, having somehow managed to pick up a hangover in the space of about an hour. The General Secretary raised her finger accusingly. "have- have any of you been sending messages to these guys behind my back?"

At the other side of the table, Finn Mordhauser shook his head, still miraculously chipper as he downed another shot of vodka now - out of pleasure instead of obligation. "We haven't sent them anything since the haiku... unless you count the broadcasts we sent out on open channels- but those go to everyone."

"Whether you are brave enough to try and smuggle through Kusari anyways...is your choice. From now on, we will not be in contact with you."

Arturo leaned forward, squinting against the too-bright glare of office lights which had seemed so comfortably warm just a few hours ago. "I'm- I-" he stuttered as he tried to make sense of what exactly the hell was going on.

Howard Williams beat him to it. "Did the Blood Dragons just send us two messages in a row, about how they weren't gonna talk to us anymore?"

"I- I think they did," Arturo mumbled, as his booze-addled brain caught up to the impossible hypocrisy he was seeing laid out before him. "They couldn't even keep their own word."

"Blood Dragon honour, am I right?" Mordhauser remarked as he poured himself another shot.

Williams chuckled. "I'd piss on it, but no human urine deserves that level of abuse," he nodded to the still-speaking ambassador. "-and someone shut that talking head off. We've got more important things to do than listen to those nobodies yap. I've got a Brilliant Plan..."

*Again, the channel was closed. But this time by force of the console they were using to contact the Blood Dragons. 'ERROR! Data leakage! Communications automatically closed and locked down for a time: 4 hours, 30 minutes.' The screen went black, powered off.*

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