Lissen up you rats!
I wanna know what you think of my story here.
"I've got your name on this list"
This is my first crack at a 'lawful' character, and eventually it will end with him becoming a Bounty Hunter...
...as if my Signature left any doubt.
It's definitely a work in progress, so your input is invaluable.
I'm also going for a new rhythm, well, new for me. I tend to be rather lengthy at my best...Pedantic and long-winded at my worst.
Also, if you wanna guess who I really am, I won't stop ya.
But this aint my first rodeo, I'll tell ya.
Thanks!
I like it. The tone is dark & moody, it reads like an internal monologue & I appreciate that it's all written in short scenes instead of text walls.
If it's all the same to you, Ima keep reading as you go along.
K?
K.:cool:
I agree with 'burg. The fact that its short and not walls of text may encourage more people to read it, and it is good. Only thing is the name; every time I read Hanover Fist a little voice in the back of my head yells "STTTEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNNN!" and I see an ogre wrecking a courtroom.
"Sterrrrnnnn!?! He's nothing but a low-down, double-dealing, backstabbing, larcenous perverted worm!
Hanging's too good for him.
Burning's too good for him!
He should be torn into little bitsy pieces and buried alive!"
Gotta love inspiration!
-this one ends as a 10post, one page'r. just a character bio, really. More ongoing stories on another thread (I'll tag the two together) as things move along.
Thanks for the feedback!
I enjoyed reading it a lot. Short, to the point, hits the tone really well. Sets the character up nicely, in a dark and dreary world for him.
This part seems rather odd to me.
Quote:No man is perfect.
Another two Rheinland war machines slid into range as the SS officer stalked the aisle, scanning the passengers.
---
They didn't need a name.
SS officer? I'm probably missing something, as I'm sure you didn't mean the "Schutzstaffel".
I accidentally found the story...I love it man. Hope to see more in same style.
Keep it up. Really...I'm impressed.
(<-wonders who you are?)
Thanks again for taking the time to read it guys.
I tried to keep it short and sweet and readable without boring you to tears.
I am loving the feedback, it helps me to know what to focus on as the story advances.
Thanks!
@ Sokol:
This->
Quote:...The Rheinland Secret Service didn't have my name...
is where this->
Quote:...SS officer...
came from. I wondered how to be more specific without being lengthy and losing rhythm, then said, meh, it'll do. Still, I just knew someone would notice it. Good eye, sorry for the confusion.
I had no intent to invoke the "Schutzstaffel".
@ Primitive:
Not even a guess at my secret Identity?
An inkling?
---And I think so far only 2, maybe 3 people KNOW who I am...so you guys
"Shhhh!"
' Wrote:@ Primitive:
Not even a guess at my secret Identity?
An inkling?
---And I think so far only 2, maybe 3 people KNOW who I am...so you guys "Shhhh!"
Hehe sorry I have no idea... quite like it...I like when people create mystery on disco..all I care, keep it up really, my curiosity is kicking...doesn't mean I'll discover it unless you mess it;)
And yeah..more story..I quite enjoy in it
Stumbled across your story and found it pretty creepy, must say. Fits in well with the character.
I haven't had the fortune of meeting you in-game yet, but when I do, you can bet I'll be running in the opposite direction (Pirates and Hunters don't traditionally get on that well... *Grins.*)
Good luck!