05-15-2013, 08:44 AM
I wake up, at times, in the middle of the night. Calm, almost numb. I ask myself how I've gotten here. How I've gotten to this exact point in my life. In the universe. I think of so many different things. Different individuals. People I've served with. People I have lost.
Those I've lost. The ones that were under my command are the ones I remember. I remember all of them. Their names, their rank, their faces. They haunt me. But that is a fundamental characteristic of war. I've seen it in many places. In different uniforms, under different allegiances. I know its visage. I've grown in it. War inhabits my very fabric. I've whored myself to it. War is my devil, and this devil has consumed a part of me.
I tried taking the right decisions. I upheld my oath the best I could. But there is just so much one can do when the people up top work against you. I've exhausted my resources fighting these two. My constitution has buckled. My psyche folded. I would've killed them if I had stayed.
And so I wandered. In search of what, I don't know. I've visited my family in the meanwhile. My mother is well. My father died. My twin brothers are as sharp as always. Then I've wandered some more.
Now I'm inside the remnants of a planet located right next to a dead star. It is killing me. Slowly, but ever so surely. Confidently. But despite constant acute radiation poisoning, I feel good. I feel alive. To know what life beyond war is. It is tranquil here.
I long to see my friends. I hope they are still alive. I have a sinking feeling in my stomach just thinking of the possibility that they may've perished. Goodman, Bridge, Shinoda...
They appear so distant. But they have not faded. I will not fade. I know exactly how I will leave this realm. And now is definitely not my time.
I will not cease from mental fight.
Those I've lost. The ones that were under my command are the ones I remember. I remember all of them. Their names, their rank, their faces. They haunt me. But that is a fundamental characteristic of war. I've seen it in many places. In different uniforms, under different allegiances. I know its visage. I've grown in it. War inhabits my very fabric. I've whored myself to it. War is my devil, and this devil has consumed a part of me.
I tried taking the right decisions. I upheld my oath the best I could. But there is just so much one can do when the people up top work against you. I've exhausted my resources fighting these two. My constitution has buckled. My psyche folded. I would've killed them if I had stayed.
And so I wandered. In search of what, I don't know. I've visited my family in the meanwhile. My mother is well. My father died. My twin brothers are as sharp as always. Then I've wandered some more.
Now I'm inside the remnants of a planet located right next to a dead star. It is killing me. Slowly, but ever so surely. Confidently. But despite constant acute radiation poisoning, I feel good. I feel alive. To know what life beyond war is. It is tranquil here.
I long to see my friends. I hope they are still alive. I have a sinking feeling in my stomach just thinking of the possibility that they may've perished. Goodman, Bridge, Shinoda...
They appear so distant. But they have not faded. I will not fade. I know exactly how I will leave this realm. And now is definitely not my time.
I will not cease from mental fight.