10-04-2018, 06:38 PM
October 4th, 825 - Omicron Sigma
The view I had was something I didn't miss. I sat there, in the observation room, on the bench, staring at Omicron Sigma's black hole. Any astroscientist would find it fascinating to look at, and half a year ago I would have shared that view. But now, looking at the cosmic monstrosity did nothing else but reminding me of horrible events. Sometimes I wished we could just return there, to the black hole beyond Sirius, trying to sustain ourselves there for a few months. Nobody could bother us there. Nobody would find out that far away from Sirius. But what happened there was horrible. I shouldn't wish for something like that to happen again.
Thinking of these days, it reminded me that it not only was my thirtythird birthday when it happened, but also the day I planned to propose to Maren. After all we've been through, I simply wanted to do it. For her. My hand slid into the inner pocket of my leather jacket, on the left side. Next to the two wrapped condoms I had in there was also the ring. Fishing it out of the pocket with index and middle finger, I just looked at it. And it was this moment when Noel entered the observation deck, probably insecured by the view of me sitting all alone there on the bench, in the darkness of the room that was only illuminated by the stray light of Omicron Sigma, looking at the ring. Nevertheless he made a few steps closer until I turned my head to him. "Hey," I sounded, giving him a soft smile.
It was returned by him, and his right hand moved over to his left arm, holding it. He often did that when standing and being insecure about something. That means often. It was decreasing over time, though. "I, uh, was wondering what you're doing here." Noel said in his lovely young male voice. I know he was 23, but his appearance and his voice always presented him as a teenager who just switched to the adult voice. So clean. Free from any interfering alterations to the vocal cords. I liked his voice. Patting the spot right next to me, I invited him to sit down with me, and he took the invitation, smiling at me. Being close to me was something he wasn't insecure about anymore. So he sat down, scooted close to me with probably just a centimeter of space between us, placed his hands in his lap and looked out of the window. Then at the ring I held in my hand.
"Finest Molly jewelry," I said, twisting and turning the ring around in my hand. "Paid a large sum for this one. And the other one. And the other pair. They are unique. Made by Cian O'Connor, a very cool and very friendly Molly. He made these the traditional way, with all the details and such." It was something I was quite proud of to have, and I couldn't help but smirk at it when I showed it to boy next to me. "We could create incredibly precise crafts like these within minutes on the Apahanta with all the tools and printers we have in the workshop, you know, without any flaws. But here I have this one, handcrafted by a Molly. The rings he made are masterfully crafted. They are not perfect, in a sense of quality, and exactly that makes them perfect."
I looked at him, smirking, and placed the ring in the palm of his suit-covered hand. "We spent a few hours on Arranmore. The Mollys are really not the worst people out there, and hell, they can drink. Those people live inside a giant hollow asteroid. You would think it'd turn them into mad people like the Lane Hackers, but not at all. I guess it's the charme of Bretonia that turns even the revolutionaries into charismatic and jovial folks."
"It's a nice ring," Noel sounded and then looked up to me, handing it over to me again. I took it and looked at it myself again.
"Each time I wanted to propose to Maren, horrible things happened. The last time I wanted to do that, the Cult of Technology attacked Omicron Delta and we jumped over there to support Freeport 11. We got hit, took heavy damage, did an emergency blind jump and ended up very, very far outside from Sirius, for two months until we returned. And Maren thought I was dead, and fucked everything that was getting into range. Four people of two sexes, in only one week." I wished I didn't care about that anymore. But I still did. "I don't believe in karma, fate, religions or any other myths, you know, but even to me it looks like the universe warned me over and over again from being with Maren." I chuckled, while Noel looked out of the window, listening to my words.
"It always was my mantra to not go for a lasting relationship. I never wanted to stick to one woman. I never wanted to start a family. But two point five years ago, Maren stumbled into my life, helping me to escape the Core. And I made the mistake of promising her to be the father of her children. To find a way to make her a mother." I sighed, taking a few seconds to think back of these days in Omicron Lost. When I saw her the first time and took her virginity. "Never in my life I expected her to be the one to trick me like that. Like, I thought I would end up getting trapped by a very beautiful big-boobed long-haired blonde, a model with a bombastic body but not much in her head, you know. Skilled tongue, no pharyngeal reflex, one that rides you to death. Instead, I ended up with Maren. A woman that doesn't last long in bed and looks like a sweaty mess after two minutes already. Slightly chubby, dark-brown hair, puffy cheeks, addicted to Cardamine, stubborn, presumptuous. A cunt, really."
Noel looked at me, giving me a questioning glance. It was definitely not the first time I trashtalked Maren infront of him, and I certainly warned him multiple times about women. And since he didn't know about the incubus in Maren's body, he didn't know what the main reason for me was to stay and endure Maren. And I didn't want to tell him about it, yet. "But you do love her a bit, right?"
"That is the worst part about it. I do," I told him. It was not a lie. Despite hating her and sometimes being disgusted by her and beyond angry about her actions, I did love her. "And I won't leave her, you know. She has changed in the two years I am with her now. A bit less weight, a bit more enduring, a bit better at what she does. She also learned to accept me the way I am, which is a big deal. Not many women can bear to share her man with other women. She is also funny, and despite being a cunt, also caring. She even changed her diet to something more healthy for me, and doesn't eat like a pig anymore. She used to spill half of her breakfast all over the plate. Literally as if she was raised in a barn. Looking at how often she lied to me about her past, that might be the case, even."
"So are you going to marry her?" And that was the question I asked myself almost every day. I couldn't help but chuckle in that very moment. A short tossing out of air with an amused connotation, followed by my head shaking for a short moment.
"One day I'd answer that with yes. The other day I'd say no, Noel." I placed the ring in my palm, holding it infront of my face like this, staring at the inscription. Then I lowered my hand again and looked at the black hole of Omicron Sigma. "What is marriage? Practially, a piece of paper. Less taxes if I was living on some planet in house space. A bond for the rest of the life? Only if another piece of paper doesn't state the opposite. Marriage is an outdated concept, and it doesn't work with a man who is unable to reduce himself to bed only one woman. And the other way around, she just discovered the joy of sex. There wouldn't be any sort of monogamistic loyalty in that marriage." In that moment I was slightly annoyed by myself how I didn't get to the point. But I felt I needed to explain what marriage actually meant.
"Marriage is reaching a status. Women are going nuts to reach that status. Looking at it from a pragmatic perspective, I'd lose nothing from marrying her. She'd be happy to have that status, to wear that ring. I'd obviously ask her to sign a contract, as I won't give away any of my belongings to someone who didn't do anything to earn them. She would understand that. She is not dumb. It is also not as if I was afraid to lose anything. I have so many accounts spread all over Sirius, no lawyer would be able to find them all. I don't fear the law." It was the other way around. I was the one with the battleship, after all.
"Yet, and I don't know how to describe it best, Noel, there is this distinct feeling telling me not to do it. Don't do it, Ezrael! Save yourself! You will only regret it!" I looked at Noel, in his bright blue eyes. "Right now, the feeling is very strong. It was very strong when I returned to Sirius, when Maren confronted me with what she did when I was gone. When she said she built a grave for me on Canaria. That she gave up on me after only less than two months and instantly whored around. And only recently the feeling was very strong again, when I tried to find support after Aphrodite and Kapheira almost killed us all. Instead she forced a child upon me. And a puppy." I stared at the black hole again, feeling slightly angry, now that I mentioned it again.
"So blatant and subtle at the same time. She said she wanted it all the time, so why being surprised or mad about it? She said it was better like that, adopting a child rather than making one ourself. And of course she didn't ask me beforehand, because she knew I wouldn't have allowed it to happen in first place. Not now, with the Lane Hackers and the Order hunting me. Yet she didn't want to wait anymore. So she surprised me with Dinah, and expects me to become her father. Of course she didn't say it like that. She said it would be her daughter. She said she would love it if I would be her father, but knows that it is unlikely for me to aim for that. Nevertheless she will subtly try to have me spend my time with the little girl, having me bond with her. And it almost killed me when Dinah asked me whether I would be her father. I said no. I tried to explain to her, a child of thirteen years that 'being my daughter' would turn her into the perfect leverage for my enemies if they found out about her. So I told her we can be friends, but she shall never call me her father." I made a break. "She was visibly disappointed. She asked me whether she did something wrong. I really, REALLY hate Maren for that. The only pain harder than having your parents being disappointed in you is when a child is disappointed in you."
I held the ring up again in my palm, then balled the hand to a fist hiding the ring inside. "Dinah needs a father. And I hate it when people don't show responsibility when it comes to children. But if people find out about Dinah, she might get targeted by my enemies. Or Maren's enemies. It breaks my heart. But it is better for her, under these circumstances, to grow up with possible damage to her personality and her mind from her horrible past and the unsatisfying future infront of her rather than getting kidnapped, tortured or killed by assassins or agents."
I had a weak moment. I knew it. My eyes became watery at the thought of Dinah. I knew I was in the right. I did nothing wrong. I was being rational. I made the better decision. I tried to make the best out of the fucking shit Maren dragged me into, once again. But still. Noel saw it and leaned in to me, embracing me. It was what I needed in that moment, and he had a good sense for knowing what I need by now. I fought my tears and managed to not let more than two escape, but felt embarrassed nevertheless, even infront of Noel. Just infront of him. I saw him naked multiple times. I cleaned his body when he was incapacitated on the medbay. There was no shame between him and me. But having him see me that emotional was embarrassing. It was sobering, both to myself and to him. I was the man with the battleship. The billionaire. The playboy. To some people even a hero. But I was not invincible. Not at all...
Thinking of these days, it reminded me that it not only was my thirtythird birthday when it happened, but also the day I planned to propose to Maren. After all we've been through, I simply wanted to do it. For her. My hand slid into the inner pocket of my leather jacket, on the left side. Next to the two wrapped condoms I had in there was also the ring. Fishing it out of the pocket with index and middle finger, I just looked at it. And it was this moment when Noel entered the observation deck, probably insecured by the view of me sitting all alone there on the bench, in the darkness of the room that was only illuminated by the stray light of Omicron Sigma, looking at the ring. Nevertheless he made a few steps closer until I turned my head to him. "Hey," I sounded, giving him a soft smile.
It was returned by him, and his right hand moved over to his left arm, holding it. He often did that when standing and being insecure about something. That means often. It was decreasing over time, though. "I, uh, was wondering what you're doing here." Noel said in his lovely young male voice. I know he was 23, but his appearance and his voice always presented him as a teenager who just switched to the adult voice. So clean. Free from any interfering alterations to the vocal cords. I liked his voice. Patting the spot right next to me, I invited him to sit down with me, and he took the invitation, smiling at me. Being close to me was something he wasn't insecure about anymore. So he sat down, scooted close to me with probably just a centimeter of space between us, placed his hands in his lap and looked out of the window. Then at the ring I held in my hand.
"Finest Molly jewelry," I said, twisting and turning the ring around in my hand. "Paid a large sum for this one. And the other one. And the other pair. They are unique. Made by Cian O'Connor, a very cool and very friendly Molly. He made these the traditional way, with all the details and such." It was something I was quite proud of to have, and I couldn't help but smirk at it when I showed it to boy next to me. "We could create incredibly precise crafts like these within minutes on the Apahanta with all the tools and printers we have in the workshop, you know, without any flaws. But here I have this one, handcrafted by a Molly. The rings he made are masterfully crafted. They are not perfect, in a sense of quality, and exactly that makes them perfect."
I looked at him, smirking, and placed the ring in the palm of his suit-covered hand. "We spent a few hours on Arranmore. The Mollys are really not the worst people out there, and hell, they can drink. Those people live inside a giant hollow asteroid. You would think it'd turn them into mad people like the Lane Hackers, but not at all. I guess it's the charme of Bretonia that turns even the revolutionaries into charismatic and jovial folks."
"It's a nice ring," Noel sounded and then looked up to me, handing it over to me again. I took it and looked at it myself again.
"Each time I wanted to propose to Maren, horrible things happened. The last time I wanted to do that, the Cult of Technology attacked Omicron Delta and we jumped over there to support Freeport 11. We got hit, took heavy damage, did an emergency blind jump and ended up very, very far outside from Sirius, for two months until we returned. And Maren thought I was dead, and fucked everything that was getting into range. Four people of two sexes, in only one week." I wished I didn't care about that anymore. But I still did. "I don't believe in karma, fate, religions or any other myths, you know, but even to me it looks like the universe warned me over and over again from being with Maren." I chuckled, while Noel looked out of the window, listening to my words.
"It always was my mantra to not go for a lasting relationship. I never wanted to stick to one woman. I never wanted to start a family. But two point five years ago, Maren stumbled into my life, helping me to escape the Core. And I made the mistake of promising her to be the father of her children. To find a way to make her a mother." I sighed, taking a few seconds to think back of these days in Omicron Lost. When I saw her the first time and took her virginity. "Never in my life I expected her to be the one to trick me like that. Like, I thought I would end up getting trapped by a very beautiful big-boobed long-haired blonde, a model with a bombastic body but not much in her head, you know. Skilled tongue, no pharyngeal reflex, one that rides you to death. Instead, I ended up with Maren. A woman that doesn't last long in bed and looks like a sweaty mess after two minutes already. Slightly chubby, dark-brown hair, puffy cheeks, addicted to Cardamine, stubborn, presumptuous. A cunt, really."
Noel looked at me, giving me a questioning glance. It was definitely not the first time I trashtalked Maren infront of him, and I certainly warned him multiple times about women. And since he didn't know about the incubus in Maren's body, he didn't know what the main reason for me was to stay and endure Maren. And I didn't want to tell him about it, yet. "But you do love her a bit, right?"
"That is the worst part about it. I do," I told him. It was not a lie. Despite hating her and sometimes being disgusted by her and beyond angry about her actions, I did love her. "And I won't leave her, you know. She has changed in the two years I am with her now. A bit less weight, a bit more enduring, a bit better at what she does. She also learned to accept me the way I am, which is a big deal. Not many women can bear to share her man with other women. She is also funny, and despite being a cunt, also caring. She even changed her diet to something more healthy for me, and doesn't eat like a pig anymore. She used to spill half of her breakfast all over the plate. Literally as if she was raised in a barn. Looking at how often she lied to me about her past, that might be the case, even."
"So are you going to marry her?" And that was the question I asked myself almost every day. I couldn't help but chuckle in that very moment. A short tossing out of air with an amused connotation, followed by my head shaking for a short moment.
"One day I'd answer that with yes. The other day I'd say no, Noel." I placed the ring in my palm, holding it infront of my face like this, staring at the inscription. Then I lowered my hand again and looked at the black hole of Omicron Sigma. "What is marriage? Practially, a piece of paper. Less taxes if I was living on some planet in house space. A bond for the rest of the life? Only if another piece of paper doesn't state the opposite. Marriage is an outdated concept, and it doesn't work with a man who is unable to reduce himself to bed only one woman. And the other way around, she just discovered the joy of sex. There wouldn't be any sort of monogamistic loyalty in that marriage." In that moment I was slightly annoyed by myself how I didn't get to the point. But I felt I needed to explain what marriage actually meant.
"Marriage is reaching a status. Women are going nuts to reach that status. Looking at it from a pragmatic perspective, I'd lose nothing from marrying her. She'd be happy to have that status, to wear that ring. I'd obviously ask her to sign a contract, as I won't give away any of my belongings to someone who didn't do anything to earn them. She would understand that. She is not dumb. It is also not as if I was afraid to lose anything. I have so many accounts spread all over Sirius, no lawyer would be able to find them all. I don't fear the law." It was the other way around. I was the one with the battleship, after all.
"Yet, and I don't know how to describe it best, Noel, there is this distinct feeling telling me not to do it. Don't do it, Ezrael! Save yourself! You will only regret it!" I looked at Noel, in his bright blue eyes. "Right now, the feeling is very strong. It was very strong when I returned to Sirius, when Maren confronted me with what she did when I was gone. When she said she built a grave for me on Canaria. That she gave up on me after only less than two months and instantly whored around. And only recently the feeling was very strong again, when I tried to find support after Aphrodite and Kapheira almost killed us all. Instead she forced a child upon me. And a puppy." I stared at the black hole again, feeling slightly angry, now that I mentioned it again.
"So blatant and subtle at the same time. She said she wanted it all the time, so why being surprised or mad about it? She said it was better like that, adopting a child rather than making one ourself. And of course she didn't ask me beforehand, because she knew I wouldn't have allowed it to happen in first place. Not now, with the Lane Hackers and the Order hunting me. Yet she didn't want to wait anymore. So she surprised me with Dinah, and expects me to become her father. Of course she didn't say it like that. She said it would be her daughter. She said she would love it if I would be her father, but knows that it is unlikely for me to aim for that. Nevertheless she will subtly try to have me spend my time with the little girl, having me bond with her. And it almost killed me when Dinah asked me whether I would be her father. I said no. I tried to explain to her, a child of thirteen years that 'being my daughter' would turn her into the perfect leverage for my enemies if they found out about her. So I told her we can be friends, but she shall never call me her father." I made a break. "She was visibly disappointed. She asked me whether she did something wrong. I really, REALLY hate Maren for that. The only pain harder than having your parents being disappointed in you is when a child is disappointed in you."
I held the ring up again in my palm, then balled the hand to a fist hiding the ring inside. "Dinah needs a father. And I hate it when people don't show responsibility when it comes to children. But if people find out about Dinah, she might get targeted by my enemies. Or Maren's enemies. It breaks my heart. But it is better for her, under these circumstances, to grow up with possible damage to her personality and her mind from her horrible past and the unsatisfying future infront of her rather than getting kidnapped, tortured or killed by assassins or agents."
I had a weak moment. I knew it. My eyes became watery at the thought of Dinah. I knew I was in the right. I did nothing wrong. I was being rational. I made the better decision. I tried to make the best out of the fucking shit Maren dragged me into, once again. But still. Noel saw it and leaned in to me, embracing me. It was what I needed in that moment, and he had a good sense for knowing what I need by now. I fought my tears and managed to not let more than two escape, but felt embarrassed nevertheless, even infront of Noel. Just infront of him. I saw him naked multiple times. I cleaned his body when he was incapacitated on the medbay. There was no shame between him and me. But having him see me that emotional was embarrassing. It was sobering, both to myself and to him. I was the man with the battleship. The billionaire. The playboy. To some people even a hero. But I was not invincible. Not at all...
