What does it mean? Does one have to put aside common sense in order to obtain knowledge regarding it, or even one's own humanity? As things were, nothing would change. The so called next step that had been put in his head was showing more clearly the more time passed. Was it because of the surroundings, those hums and vibrations in the void near their home? The Omicrons were quite a challenge to get used to at times, even for already experienced people. Something new would be revealed every now and then, throwing off one's perception. Be it personal or regarding the public in the edge worlds. In the end, one would have to make a sacrifice in order to achieve something greater. Regardless of how much he might dislike the thought of losing his humanity even more in the process, the objective was clear. He had followed his curiosity after all, but also believed that there was not much to lose. So the plan he had been forging over the last couple of weeks would begin.
The memories of the beginning were quite blurry, but it started with this virus. Something odd about it for sure, but it felt like it would ultimately lessen the burden on his shoulders in the long term. There was no sadness or regret in the process, for he had personally nothing to lose. He would still keep thinking about the past and how things will change regarding everything he ever knew about himself and 'those' around him. No matter what, though, losing sight of the objective would mean all is lost, something that couldn't be afforded. Hints would help with that, just like sightings of his former life occasionally, should it come to that. Other than that, there was not much backup apart from his will alone, for in the end it's the ultimate test. High risk, high reward was the principle that laid out the foundation for these ambitions, but at least there was some time left until it would all start...
Many things were left to be done, of which one was already completed. The people he would tell about his ambition would question his intent, but in the end couldn't question the resolve that was leading him into the lion's den. Is that what they call honor, or is it a simple way of speaking one's condolences for an inevitably dying fate? Regardless of those thoughts, the decision was made. Leaving everything behind to see further into the future. For the sake of everyone else.
It wasn't an easy line of thought to begin with. With it came a lot of feelings, including the desire to spend more time with those he could call friends. And for the time being, he enjoyed being the way he is. A simple transport captain, helping to get things fixed in the Omicrons. It was nice to just be simple for once, compared to his previous 'assignments'. He was even offered a dinner with an acquaintance of his, someone of whom he thought was lost to those he had been trying to fight over all these years. The thought itself made him feel appreciated in a way, while at the same time hurting due to the knowledge that it won't last. Regardless of how plain it was how things would go, he was intimidated at how grim everything might look to himself as well as his friends, once they find out. What would they say, think, do? Overall, he just hoped that they would eventually forget about him, merely a memory of a set of ideals that never could be realized in his current state.
Until then, the focus was on the supplies he had been providing for some time now. Things would change soon enough, so enjoying the rest of the time with his crew and friends was the least he could do...
Some time had passed since his return from Omega 49, and while the crew enjoyed themselves with the 'souvenir' he brought along, there was something deeply bothering him. Where was he really standing, and were there indeed different ways to 'make a difference'? Regardless of those thoughts, his crew would distract him, really enjoying their time while also talking about the break that was mentioned.
However, while in conversation with some of the crew members, a sharp pain shot through his body all of the sudden, towards his head. Moments later making the man drop on the ground. Why at a time like this? Was it already too late? And would he recover?
Immediately, hundreds of pictures ran through his mind, about his friends, the crew, ship, his obligation, everything. He was happy for the time being, but would that alone be enough to push through? As his consciousness faded into nothingness, there were only two people left standing around him. Those he came to call friends, how much could he actually take their words and brand them as truth. He didn't know, but despite everything gradually getting colder in his mind, the two sources he saw radiated with warm light, making him reach out for them as they extended their hands.
But it was too late. Most parts of his mind had already gone numb, in a state they've never been in before. Was this what death felt like, or was it just another imagination of him. As the last breath was seemingly drawn, the last thing he saw was his crew gathered around his body on the floor, with worrying looks on their faces as the medical officer shook him and tried to reanimate him. To no avail. That's right... those were his friends as well, after all. He couldn't help but to feel sorry...
Everything after was just a blur. Was he still alive or was his mind playing tricks on him again? He remembered the time before rejoining the Order. A state of unsorted chaos, barely alive but with a will to make amends for what he had done the past years. It was one nightmare after the other, killing all those civilians, mistaking them for the enemy in the heat of the battle. It wasn't something that could ever be forgotten. The lifeless faces of entire families would haunt him to this day, and for some reason, it was one of the first things he remembered when falling asleep.
His sense of orientation was disturbed, so it was hard to tell where he was to begin with. Yet the place itself seemed 'warm' enough to not feel entirely hostile. After all, this was where he had been revived. That didn't help with his current state of mind, as there was still a lot of confusion about what happened. Why couldn't he control it. Remembering the positive feelings he had had before the collapse. Was it worth considering that it were the emotions causing it to suddenly 'rupture' the mind. To put him into an unexpected medical condition like this was not expected after all.
During all of this, the dreams never stopped. Occasionally there would be good ones, seeing a couple of familiar faces who were willing to help, just to be burned away by the dark flood reminding him of his past. How could he even consider doing what he had originally planned? Had he fallen that low, that desperate to search for an easy way out? A lot of things happened during his sleep, remembering a lot of events that happened before. Clearly, those memories didn't help, as he kept getting pulled into consciousness briefly before sinking back into his slumber due to the strain and fatigue the latest incident affected him with, in the end quite disappointed with himself.
The 'night' lasted quite long, as his body was attempting to recover as well as regain his previous state of mind, which was a peaceful and calm one. Going from there, only time would tell when he would wake up again, as it almost reached twelve hours for the time being...
Everything went better than expected. While reliving the memories was painful during the sleep, staying calm eventually paid off. There was no reason not to, after all. Unexpectedly, however, was that one of his friends had actually believed his story, after something that could have amounted to the entire opposite. A moment of gladness overall as he was then introduced to a training ground on this ship, along with a room. It was a weird feeling, although, for the first time in years he thought he belonged somewhere. How long it would last was unknown but for the time being the feeling was reason enough to appreciate the situation.
Then there was that special day his friend had mentioned. An evening on Honshu to celebrate something of big importance. And important it was, on a deeply personal basis. While everything was still slightly blurry from the incident before, the 'meeting' turned out as somewhat of a surprise at the start, as there was not much he could had thought of apart from saying a couple of warm words. Later on, however, things changed as the food was presented. He always had a high affinity with food in general, even more so when it came to the fancier variants of it. The only thing at that time which was worrying, was the time when presents were given to the one this 'meeting' was designed for. The incident had left him shaky for the darker memories of his past, and upon seeing the gift which was a combat knife, flashbacks came pouring through his mind. The faces of countless innocents, their threads separated in the most savage manner there could be, he thought. All by just seeing that blade, a personal relation to an object of death, perhaps? No, one wouldn't need blades to only inflict death upon others, but also to defend oneself. Which didn't make anything any better.
Thankfully, the person holding it noticed the struggle and eventually put it away. It wasn't often that someone could read him like that, and for the first time in his life, he was glad for that. There was something about that person, after all. He knew from the very start when they first met, although it took some time to make an exchange to one another.
A certain other person of his previous life was there as well, unfortunately. One whom he had willingly abandoned to persevere, not someone he looked forward to seeing again, but for the sake of others, it didn't matter much that evening. All of it was more or less washed away with the dessert, which was of equally high level as the main dish. It was an unforgettable experience and opened a new view on occasions like this, regretting that he didn't have one for himself at the start of the year. However, one does learn from mistakes, and thus his confidence rose.
When everyone went to bed, he stayed outside, meditating while occasionally looking at the stars and the sea. It was a refreshing view and smell. All of this would positively leave a mark, even if the memories from before were still preventing him from even considering sleep. Eventually, due to high fatigue, his body eventually shut itself down while he was sitting on a chair facing the horizon. This was the sort of life he longed for, and thus had to protect it with his very own strength, together with his friends...