The Cop and the Coffeemaker - Part 1

[Jonas Valent]

Excerpt from the Manhattan Times "Sunbucks X-5 Review"

Several years ago, Sunbucks released in extremely limited quantities a coffeemaker designed for the ultra wealthy. The Sunbucks X-5 Personal Brewing Station was the pinnacle of form and function. The case was platinum while the coffeepot was made from a rare quartz only found in the omicron systems. The coffeemaker was equipped with an advanced AI interface that automatically anticipated the users needs and always had the perfect cup of coffee available.
However, this AI had a few quirks that rendered the coffeemaker a commercial failure. One problem was that the AI was programmed with the personality of a pepped up cheerleader and was named Cara (that's Cara with a C as she was so fond of pointing out). She also had the most disgustingly cheerful and bubbly voice that most testers found unbearable. .There was also the problem that Cara would periodically make some rather inappropriate comments about the users physical appearance. As one tester commented,"To be ridiculed about my weight by a coffeemaker led to a dark period of depression in my life from which I might never recover."

Excerpt from Sirius Gazette "Suicide by Sunbucks?"

Several Sunbucks employees testing the X-5 coffeemaker have committed suicide during the tests. This coffeemaker is equipped with an advanced AI named Cara. Few details are know about this AI as Sunbucks has kept it under wraps so far. While deploring the incident Sunbucks maintains the suicides were due to "preexisting mental conditions" and not prolonged exposure to Cara.

"That last coffeemaker was horrible," Jonas thought. After going through the trouble of installing a coffeemaker on his liberator he was crushed to discover the coffee was worse then the slime they served at One Police Plaza. Determined to have the perfect cup of coffee on the go Jonas searched throughout Liberty with little luck. Finally on Duluth Shipyard he encountered a trader who had something Jonas thought he would never see in person. As they walked to his ship the trader extolled the virtue of the machine. They entered the traders ship walked down to the cargo hold and Jonas stopped dead in his tracks. It sparkled, it gleamed. The light caught its curves and made it glow like a miniature sun. It was the single most beautiful thing he had ever laid eyes on. The Sunbucks X-5 Personal Brewing Station Jonas looked at it in a hushed awe. Finally. Independence. Never again will I run out of the finest coffee in Sirius. Never again will I have to be subjected to the horror of a bad cup of coffee while flying alone on patrol. He had to have it.
"How much do you want for it" Jonas asked.
"Well only 50 were ever made and it also comes with a pound of premium coffee, so I think 25,000 would be a fair price" the trader responded. As a low ranking LPI officer Jonas did not make much and 25,000 would put a serious dent in his finances. He debated it and finally caved in and paid the trader.
"Pleasure doing business with you Jonas. Enjoy Cara," the trader told him with a smirk that left Jonas wondering.
Jonas grabbed his new acquisition and headed for his ship.He got in the cockpit and ripped out the old coffeemaker he had installed. He threw it to the deck where it shattered.
"You will never torture me with your horrible coffee again. Die devil coffeemaker" Jonas yelled causing some curious glances from the mechanics.
He reverently placed the coffeemaker into the dash and hooked up the wiring. The machine started making soft whirring noises and a bubbly voice started speaking.
"Hey New User, I'mmmmmmm Cara. Thats Cara with a C. My job is to make sure your supplied with the bestest Sunbucks coffee around. Are you ready to begin the setup process?
"Yes I am Cara" Jonas replied.
Alllllllrighty, Lets make the bestest coffee.What is your name? Im Cara, with a C.
"My name is Jonas"
"Hey Jonas, I'mmmmmm Cara. Thats Cara with a C because C's are way cooler then K's."
"Yeah I got that. Your name is Cara. What do we need to do to setup?" Jonas asked.
"Well I'm so glad you asked Jonas. There are several steps in the setup process. First I need you inside of me", Cara says seductively.
What! What kind of an AI are you?
"I need you to fill me up Jonas. Make sure to do it slow and gently."
"Oh you mean the coffee." Jonas retrieves the bag of coffee opens it and starts to pour it in.
"Ohhhh yea That feels so good" Cara purrs. "Fill me right up to the brim."
"Ok your full Now what do I need to do"
"Now I need you to make me wet" Cara asks innocently.
"Whao. Cara do you really have to phrase it like that."
What is wrong with asking you to make me wet Jonas? I need water to make the bestest coffee for you."
"Its just its kinda dirty when you phrase it like that."
"Very well Jonas, Would you care to inspect my plumbing?"
"Unbelievable." Jonas leans over and connects the on-board water source to Cara.
"Oh yes stick it in and make me wet."Cara moans.
"Cara would you cut it out," Jonas yells. "There your hooked up are you ready to make my coffee now?"
"Not yet Jonas we have to get to know one another before I can put out. What kind of girl do you take me for?"
"You're not a girl. Your a coffeemaker!"
"I am too a girl. My name is Cara with a C. Why would you insult me Jonas. I'm her only to fully service you and make all your dreams come true."
"The only dreams I want filled involve coffee." Jonas notices the time and readies his ship for space.
"Jonas we arent done with the setup process," Cara pleads.
"Sorry honey I have to start my patrol we will continue once I get on my patrol route." Jonas wondered why he had just referred to his coffeemaker as honey but it seemed to greatly please Cara.
"Sure Sweetheart. Ill be ready for you when you need me. You just say my name and I will make you the bestest coffee." Cara replies playfully.