Nice work, but to be brutal honest there are a few points you may want to change.
1: There are far too many commas in this story/biography. It is better to break a sentence into two or more separate sentences than to run on the same line with multiple commas. (Truth be told, I have been known to commit this same "crime.")
2: The time line "jumps" jaggedly. Try giving it a more gradual flow. It's not as bad as the latest Godzilla movie, but your story feels like a movie in need of better editing.
3: Minor grammar mistakes. We all do it. GC's are prone to make more mistakes due to their long nails (As she charged tward what seemed like certain doom...)
4: Kusari Naval forces, IMG fighters, and Nomands?! Oh my! (This area of your story could use quotes or italics for the radio communications between random people.)
5: She was about five systems towards Britonia. Five? So you mean Gallia space (lol jk). Try describing a "landmark" from a system you want your character to be in. People may know the systems, but you can still keep the story mysterious with using a change of view. ("She awoke in a daze and a with nauseating headache. Yet, somehow she felt safe seeing the three bio domes of Freeport 6 far off in the horizon...")
6: Long welcomed return paragraph feels rushed. As if the writer wanted to cram as much storyline as possible without giving many details, reasons, or motivation for the character(s). Take your time "Fleshing" out a story. Disco will still be around when you finish...
7: Have fun! Don't force yourself to continue writing about your characters life then if it's not thrilling! (Even good TV shows "rotate" through writers unless it is all biased on another book *cough* Game of *cough*).
I hope this a bit of advice helps. I teach at a local university for computer science majors not for [English] writing. I apologize if my input sounds harsh...
Yes it does! Thank you so much for your feedback! I really appreciate that. People always tell me how awesome it is, but never actually tell me how I can improve it. So, seriously thank you. Regarding "Long Welcomed Return" that one was indeed rushed. I just wanted to quickly say something as it's acting like a placeholder for the full story.
I've basically self taught myself with all my grammar and such. So your tips are truly useful to me. None of it sounded harsh. Again, thank you.