“Remember to look up at the stars and not down at your feet.”
– Stephen Hawking
The sun, glaring febrile in a dim red, slowly descended unto the margin of horizon and beyond and left behind an orange color on the outskirts of distance that glimmered lustfully and yet ominously, as though an augur for wuthering times ahead. The vast sea stretching into infinity soon swallowed the red swollen dot, its sparks falling upon the water and seemingly setting it into motion. Further and further darkness embraced the land as the last rays of light blew out like candles in the wind, unto the sun would have made its journey through the underworld, the land of the deads, only to be reborn in the west the next day, on a circular journey forever.
The aroma of water and sludge on the shore and of recent rain on grassy planes lay in the air, swirling like mist hanging over the ground. A slight breeze blew from the land, down the hills through the stems of trees over the green meadow into the sea, making the blades of grass chuckle. They were still wet from the last shower, and so glistered in the night like a thousand diamonds in the light of the stars.
As she looked up from the pier she stood on, her hands resting in her pockets and her hair alive in the breeze that tickled her neck, she was overwhelmed by the starry, vaulted sky that rested above her. She gazed at the stars, and so the stars gazed back. All of them of different size, of different colors, but all of them so endlessly far away. They crowded the firmament anxiously. Every now and then one blinked, going out only to flare up again. Whenever she tried to fixate one, it disappeared as though to hide its presence from her. It was like a painting, a painting made by the universe, a beautiful one in every sense of the word, with inscrutable aesthetics. Every single one of them had their own story to tell, was lurking in the far distance only waiting to reveal them. And so they cast wisp of magic over the place.
It was a view she could have lost herself in, but something yanked her away. A sound from the distance. She looked back, her uptight neck yelping. In the surrounding darkness stood a house, maybe twenty steps away from her, its contours hardly to make out in the dark of night. But out of two windows of the façade shone blaring-yellow light, like a set of eyes. One of the windows was tilted, and from the inside roared hysterical laughter. For a moment she looked at it silently as a stone, then turned around again towards the sea, soaking in the fresh air and letting it rekindle her body. All the light shimmered on the wide sea, an almost sedate mirror of the starry heavens. Those glitters seemed to have their own fragrance, too.
And up her head went again, up to the unfathomable mysteries of the sky, the soughing of water in one and the laughter in the other ear. At that moment she felt so close to those distant dots to almost touch. Already did she twitch with her hands, about to try to embrace them, when she realized they were so horribly far away. Just as the stars lighted up the dark mantel of night, as it were they lighted up her soul, stirred thoughts in her. And what a yeasty medley of thoughts it was. Emotions, memories of times long past, yet felt so near. In the silence of the night she could hear shouts of delight, yells of anger and cries of sorrow alike and all of them at once.
The beauty of the stars was delusory, only there for foolish men and women who wished to be deceived. Behind it skulked the hideous, the baleful and the lethal. That was when the universe showed its true, pitiless face. The universe did not care for any of this.
But there was beauty in it all the same, even though one might have declared her insane for such imbecile thoughts. A pure, almost primordial beauty she saw there, besides feeling a yearning for the infinity and the freedom that came with it. A freedom she had known once. With all the consequences.
Once again she was interrupted, this time by the sound of footsteps on the pier. She tilted her head and saw the figure; shrouded in the black of the night, the light of the house still formed the contours of the figure and illuminated its sides. A woman with shoulder-length black hair was before her under the watch of the stars. She walked up to her, one hand in the air before crossing her arms.
“Elena, what the hell are you doing out here?” asked Monica, a friend she had known since times she could not even remember anymore. “Why aren’t you with all the others?”
She gave her a little smile and looked back towards the firmament. “Just thought I’d take a little walk by the pier and catch some fresh air.” Licking her lips, she gave it a moment. “Look up.”
Monica did as she was told and looked up. For a few seconds, they stood there, in the midst of the night, in the mist of the stars, not saying anything.
“It’s beautiful,” said Monica eventually.
“Isn’t it?”
She found that Monica was looking at her. “Sure you’re alright?” Pause. “You’ve got that – well, that kind of expression on your face.”
She did not answer.
“What is it that’s crossing your mind?”
“Nothing. I don't know, really.”
“Elena?”
She looked at her and grinned lightly. “I’m fine, promised!” And she came up to her, touched her shoulder and embraced her and would not let go of her easily.
“Alright, alright,” said Monica after a while and unglued herself from her friend. “Want to come in again then?”
She gave the house behind Monica a glance, with figures apparently dancing inside and shading the yellow-glowing windows every now and then, then looked out into the sea. “I guess I’ll stay here just a little longer. The air is really refreshing, you know!” With a smile she regarded Monica.
Monica seemed dissatisfied with that answer. “Are you sure?”
“Yes, don’t worry,” she replied. And as she saw the doubting mien on her face she carried on, “you should go back, you will miss all the fun with the others too.”
“Could say the same thing about you, Elena, but fine. Don’t step into the sea while you’re at it.” And with these words she turned around, the grass crinkling and clicking under her feet as she walked to the house and to the others again, leaving Elena alone on the pier. But not so much alone as she imagined, for the stars whispered in the silence.
Once she deemed her friend to be away in the distance, she placed her hands on her hips and looked up once more while her hair was swirling around her in the wind and strains were blowing into her face. The more she thought about it, the more her throat seemed to thin again. Something tickled in her gut. Those stars above her, looming crystal clear, had brought her nothing but pain in the long run. With one hand she stroke over her belly, not feeling the slightest raising anymore. It soothed and pained her in unisono. That was a story that belonged to the past. It was melted down with her. After all the relentless struggle to fight against it, the pictures and memories had indeed made her a different person altogether, but nonetheless: those disastrous times were gone. She was only allowed to look back at it with a bitter glance now, and with rekindled fire would she look at what lay behind the horizon of future for her.
Slowly she exhaled, only to fill up her lungs with the vague, but sweet air of the moment again. A tingle ran down her spine as she saw Aalen rise on heaven’s tent, trying to catch up with the sun. The human body had many instinctive urges – after every expiration inevitably came another inhaling, urging the body to live on. But the longer she stood out there, accompanied by earth and sea and sky, the more she felt another urge – one that was almost as instinctive as the urge to breath. That urge came from the stars.
This night of all nights was like an epiphany. The daily life she lived, out here with her friends from times that were in fact long gone, felt almost surreal now, like a bad dream, unreal, and utterly boring. This house, and the laughter inside it – no, not real. The sea was, and so was the horizon, and so were the stars above. The intangible, mysterious ones were the actual envoys of reality – and of beauty.
With the white light shining down on her face she made up her mind, cleared it of all thoughts that cajoled her, heralds of the status quo, telling her to stay where she was and that she was about to do a major mistake in responding to the prompting of the universe that tempted her. That she had not learned from the past in the slightest. She had learned, more than she had wanted to in fact. For months she had thought the lesson was to stay away. But that was only behavior of avoidance. Now she realized that could not have been the lesson at all. There were still ghosts and demons waiting out there to vanquish. She was not done yet.
It took effort to let the sight of the scenery go, her eyes bound by the endless firmament, but eventually she lowered her gaze. For a moment she looked down on her feet, suddenly aware of the cold that surrounded her. A bout of uncertainty struck her, but she chased it away as she walked towards the house with steady steps. She would embark on the journey again, as a life as ... as what it would turn out to be. Didn't matter. No turning back now, she told herself.
The door swung open almost by itself, and she entered. Pair of eyes stared fixedly on her with quizzical miens writ all over people’s faces. No turning back now.
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