A small-time Zoner publishing company has recently released the Hitchhiker's Guide to Sirius, an electronic book which is a complete compendium of almost everything in the Sirius sector. This is not the story of that book, but of one man whose life was completely transformed by it. This man is Dave Perks, who lives on Planet Leeds and is about to have his house demolished.
Dave looked at the time. He was going to be late for work, and a bulldozer was outside his house. He was still in his dressing gown and was hung over from the night before. He went outside to the bulldozer and talked to the large man who was looking over some blueprints and was smoking a comically large cigar.
"What are you doing with that bulldozer?"
"Well, we're going to have to knock down your house to build a defense turret. Queen's orders,"
"WHAT? You can't do that!" Dave went to lie down in front of the bulldozer. "I'm going to protest,"
"Too late. Should have complained when the plans were on display,"
"On display? I had to go down to the cellar! They were in a disused toilet with a sign saying 'Beware of the leopard' on the door!"
"Look, Mr Perks, do you have any idea what kind of damage this bulldozer would suffer if I just let it roll right over you?"
"How much?"
"None at all,"
In a surprising coincidence, 'none at all' is exactly how much suspition that Dave's online friend whom he knew as 'DonutGodess23' was on Leeds visiting some relatives and had been alerted to the fact that Dave's house was about to be demolished and also that a Kusari battle fleet was about to bombard Leeds. Also, she was on her way right then.
Meanwhile, at Dave's house...
"Look, Mr Perks, you can't lie in front of a bulldozer all day. We've got-" the crew boss began.
"Look, I don't care. I'll stay here just the same," jutted in Dave.
Just as that was happening, a tall, thin woman with black hair, pale skin and scruffy-looking clothes came up to the crew boss.
"Who are you?" said the crew boss.
"Does it matter?"
"Yes!"
"Wrong. Reality is what you can get away with,"
"You're one of those lot, aren't you?" The woman facepalmed.
"Look, I know Dave through the Neural Net and I want to get him out of here,"
"Wait," said Dave. "Are you...?"
"Yep, that's me. DonutGodess23. And there's a Kusari fleet ready to bombared the planet, so let's get moving,"
The woman picked up Dave and took him to her ship, a Spatial Super Heavy Fighter.
"Nice ship," said Dave.
"Thanks," replied the woman. "Name's Annette, by the way. Come on, let's get moving," They got in and Annette took off. As they reached orbit, a transmission came. It was an aged Kusari officer.
"Zoner, hand over the Bretonian and we will spare your life," he said.
"Am I allowed to say... no?" replied Annette.
"Destroy the ship and tractor in the escape pods!" The cruiser opened fire and the Spatial exploded. Anette and Dave had jettisoned just in time and were now in the capital ship's cargo hold. It was empty for now.
"Where are we?" asked Dave, clambering out of the pod.
"The cargo hold of that Cruiser, by the looks of things. My PDA's tranmsitting a signal now," Annette said.
"ATTENTION!" said the tannoy, "THE TWO CAPTIVES ARE TRANSMITTING A DISTRESS SIGNAL! THROW THEM OUT OF THE AIRLOCK!"
"Oh bugger." said Dave. A security guard came and loaded them into a single prisoner cell, then pressed a switch.
It should be known that there was a leak in the cell that meant they had 30 seconds before they ran out of oxygen. Just as 29 seconds had passed, an incredibly unlikely event happened. They found themselves in the hold of a Borderworld Transport, Annette's own Sinful Rose, in all its glory. Dave and Annette were alone for quite some time until a woman with white hair but who was still about 20-ish came down the ladder.
"Lilly? How did you get the keys to the Rose?" The white-haired woman thought for a few seconds then began talking.
"Well, they were in your room on Freeport 11 and the ship was docked at the same station. We haven't talked for a long time, and I was starting to miss you," she replied.
"Well," said Dave, "Anyone who saves me from dying in the vacuum of space is a good person in my books,"
"'Spose you're right. Me and Lilly have known each other for years. We're best friends, hopefully forever,"
Dave considered this, and sat down.
Annette took the helm of the Rose and sped away from Leeds. Dave barely held on to his breakfast as the ship thrusted towards the tradelane. They barely made it in time, heading towards the New London jumpgate. Everyone had settled down when Annette got out a small black box with the words 'Don't Panic' written on the front.
"What's that?" asked Dave.
"This," said Annette, "is The Hitchhiker's Guide to Sirius. Everythiong you could possibly need to know in one electronic book. I've been hired as a researcher. It's going to be a very interesting job,"
"I should think so. Getting to know the peoples of Sirius and all that,"
The woman with white hair looked up from a computer terminal. "Anyone want a drink? By the way, Lilith Gadfium,"
"Unusual name," said Dave. "Hey wait, I know you!"
"Oh really?" said Liliith. I don't remember you,"
"Fancy dress party on New London, 2 years ago. I was Bob The Man Of Steel and you were... Oh, I can never remember her name..."
"Oh, that one. If you must know, I was Queen Victoria. Earth history,"
"Right. I'd like a cup of tea, please. Milk, no sugar,"
"Right. And you, Annette?"
"You got any vodka?" replied Annette.
"Yes I have. Real stuff too, straight from Omega-52,"
"Wait," said Dave, who was not as well informed, "Omega-52?"
"Coalition," said Annette.
"WHAT?"
"I'm not even sure myself. I'll try and get a visa there for some research,"
Lilith sighed. "So," she said, "We need to go somewhere,"
"What's the best place to drop me off?" Dave asked.
"We'll head for Liberty," said Annette. I've got a friend there who'll help you out,"
"Oh God, no. Not Liberty,"
"What's wrong with there?"
"Um, Lawl's Syndrome?"
"You'll be fine!"
"I should hope so. By the way, do you have a spare copy of that Guide?"
"Yes, I do," Annette passed another book to Dave, "Here you go!"
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