Hope.Citadel Feedbck!

[Hope]

http://discoverygc.com/forums/index.php?...pic=102191

^ So this is my poorly written story. Please give me your thoughts and constructive criticism! Thank you!

EDIT: Someone said I went to fast when I wrote it. I think they're right. < Your thoughts on this too would be nice.

If you think my story sucks just tell me, I have a Liberty Idea in my head that might be more effective
for my character(The avi and the sig).

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[Jeremy Hunter]

Other than some grammatical erors, its pretty good imo.

Its a pleasure to read.

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May you ever walk in the Light, Shizune.

[Hope]

EDITED the entire thing, should be better now.

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[stewcool]

Sorry about the delay. I do like the read and cant wait to see where it goes from there. I mean it seems as though you said everything about her life but I'm going to guess I'm wrong.

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[Hope]

I added another section to it. Hopefully y'all enjoy it!

This is how I RP in-game too!

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[Hope]

Updated the last portion had some sleeping issues.

PLEASE give feedback yall. I want to know how successful this story is.

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[SoF]

I read all of it... Nicely done...

I am not really good at RP stories but I like your story and want to help, so...

How about giving some life to the cyborg girl... Make her more personal?

Give the story some psycological side and she will become the heroine we will love. Either make her a cyborg that has feelings or give her a sidekick who is affected deeply by her.

If I am right by assuming that the main theme is "Hope and Despair", we have to feel those. Create a scene for us made of "Hope and Despair". It will feel empty with a "goes there, does that" story.

The girl is an entity with no knowledge of her origin, capable of human feelings yet not human, despairs with a destiny of a lonely life but still hopes that one day she can form her a life she can be happy. That's at least one thing she can be.

After all, even though she is a machine, she still is in the pursuit of happiness, ultimately.