Something is wrong, seriously wrong. If I believe Hale and Defmir, then I have a sister, her name is Alycia. They've met her somewhere in California. But this can't be, I don't have a sister, she must be lying to them. Not even the database mentioned an Alycia Cahoone somewhere. This is so complicated, and I think Defmir even believes that I'm just playing with them, that I'm Alycia. Nonsense. Thanks to her I'm no longer allowed to fly a patrol on my own, no, I have to be with some other officers, they're putting me into a cage. I'm not even allowed to call somebody, god damn it, and I haven't done a bad thing.
Now I'm sitting here and stare through the window, space, how would I love to be outside right now. I miss it so much, its coldness, its cruelty, it has become a part of me, and now it was taken away from me and I was put in this...metallic beast they call the Missouri. I was asking some superiors if I was assigned to some patrols, I no longer want to be here. But my hopes were shattered every time I tried, there was no chance. Oh how long do I have to stay here?
What should I do? Minutes pass, but they feel like hours, and they're torturing me. I want it to stop. Hell, I even walk around on the battleship without a real target, people even looked strange at me, as I clearly looked as if I was lost or something like that. God damn you, Alycia, or whoever you are, what have I done to you to deserve this? What right do you have to destroy my life? I'm sick of people like you, those who are sticking their noses in my business, even though they can't imagine the consequences. Trust me, I have unlimited possibilities, I can quit this Navy life whenever I want if I have to. I won't hesitate to kill you if I get the chance to do it, I don't fear the consequences, I've already killed enough so one more or less won't make a difference.
You're the same like those pirates, a filthy creature, which doesn't deserve the right to live, and it's my holy duty to send you back to where you came from, this world doesn't need you. There's no escape for you, show yourself and we can end this.
Finally some chances for me to fly patrols again, it was about time, I couldn't stand it any longer. But something was happening that brought questions into my mind. I don't know how, but somehow I had lost memories about the past days. It's strange, I couldn't remember what I did, or where I was. That happened before but the timeframe was only a few hours, six were the maximum if I remember correctly. And now it's something like two days maybe. Really strange, and it didn't really help my situation, it was better to not think about it.
Hale told me that not even he was able to find some information about Alycia, she's like a person, who never existed. I talked to some people, and tried to find something out, maybe they had met her or at least had heard something about her. Well, most of them heard her name for the first time, but some were able to tell me something. They've met her in California and New York, where she actively hunted Navy ships, or some Hellfire pilots. She was piloting a Rogue Eagle, and whenever they met her, she spread rumors about me. They told me those rumors and I was shocked. How the hell does she know that I collect blood diamonds? Stuff like that, which shouldn't reach the ears of the other Navy members. Of course I denied everything, but how the hell does she know all these things? Is there somebody who constantly follows me, and I haven't noticed it?
This is making me angry, really angry. And it scares me, I began to be more cautious, whenever I walk around on battleship Missouri, I quite often look around if somebody was following me, I was hoping for a sign, maybe there really was somebody who spied on me, and delivered information to Alycia. If there was I'd kill that person right there, and I wouldn't care about the consequences. I swear, something is terribly wrong, it's like an invisible threat that surrounds me, it's always present but I can't fix it. It's slowly eating me up. If there were some people I could trust, it would be better. But there aren't any left. I don't really trust Hale, and Defmir, well I won't start about her. I'm alone in this chaos. At least I was allowed to fly some patrols, that was something I really needed. Surrounded by death and only seconds decided if I'd survive or if I'd die. I love that feeling, the constant danger and pain.
But apparently I was acting strange, I didn't notice it of course, but others did. According to them it was surprising for them to see me that silent, they also mentioned that I wasn't really cautious on the patrols. I always tried to invent some excuse to get me out of that situation, not all of them should know about my problem with Alycia. So far only Hale, Defmir and those who had met Alycia, know about it. I don't know the exact number, but I hope it's a small number of people. Sometimes I think I really should just go to Malta, maybe that will solve things...
I'm starting to lose my mind in this cage. I'm sitting in the corner of this room and type this diary entry, but I can't remember how long I'm already sitting here. It could be minutes or hours, I just can't remember. I don't know how much time it is at the moment, nor do I know what day it is. I remember the floor was usually cold, but I no longer feel that. Like so many other things, happiness for example, I can spell the word but I can't remember its meaning. I walked through the corridors of the Missouri and looked at the other people, some of them were happy, and even laughed. Somehow I was jealous, I can't describe how much I'd love to smile again, and if it was only for one second.
I haven't slept for two days? Or was it only one, I have no idea. I can't remember the last time I slept properly, most of the time I'm plagued by nightmares, I'm tired of them. I'm getting chased by my suffering, when I'm asleep and when I'm awake, it's never-ending. I can't remember the times when I had a normal life, a life in which I wasn't dependent on some painkillers, the times in which I was able to sleep properly. There were no nightmares, there was no frustration, no sadness. Hell, I miss the times when I lived on Houston, the times when I was really poor, how much I'd prefer that situation again, it'd be ages better than my current situation. I really hate it, seriously. I regret every single decision I did in the past months, the worst one was joining the Navy, I should've stayed a damn greedy Mercenary, and then my ship would have been my grave long ago, yes, but now I'm here. All my thoughts are mostly about her, Alycia, my so-called 'sister'.
Alycia...I actually like that name, a shame I can't say the same about the person. She's my invisible enemy, always hiding in the shadows, ready to attack once her enemy doesn't expect it. Smart little bitch. I'd actually love to meet her, I wonder how she looks like, so far nobody has seen her face, they only know her voice, and that's about it. She has created a web to catch me, and once I'm caught there won't be a chance for me to escape. That will be my death. Heh...when I think about it, that would erase all my problems and I'd no longer be a part of this rotten world. I guess that's what she wants, my death, somehow I start to believe that I earned it and she's some sort of a death angel who makes sure I pay for my sins. Heh, now I'm really sounding silly. But I'd still be interested to know her reasons for her actions. Maybe one day I'll find out, or maybe I won't...
Sometimes I was talking with myself, when I was flying a patrol or when I was just walking around on the battleship, it was strange, because I didn't notice it, others did of course and they asked me if everything was alright. Of course I'm alright, how dare they to ask such things, if I could I'd just kill them. Morons. Rarely have I met so many useless people in my life, they should be thankful that I have so much self-control and kept my hatred hidden, but soon that'll be over, and nothing will save them. I'm going to end this...
"That's the last entry, right? It looks like you didn't finish it..." Maria asked, while she read some paragraphs again. "Yes, that's the last one, and you're right. I was too angry to finish that one, and you see I didn't get around to write more entries." Natalie replied and somehow sounded worried about something. "Well, you really went through chaos. Say, how did it all end? The Navy? Alycia? What happened?" Natalie sighed and stayed silent for a minute before she replied. "That's a long story, and I don't want to talk about it right now. I can tell you some other day..."
