"Deception, Corruption. and... Love?" Comment thread

[Orin]

Okay, I was a little harsh in my last post. Sorry, I was trying to be honest, but I didn't give you much constructive criticism. I'll do that now.

First off, I think I immediately measured your writing against my own. I'm not bragging, but that might not have been a fair comparison. You're not an awful writer. You're not. But there's a few things you really need to think about, and a few things you really need to work on.

Most importantly in all this: You cannot write a story in which you control other players' characters without letting them screen it prior to publishing. If you wrote my Cretan Clayr into this story, I would hands down, absolutely want the story in full PMed to me beforehand. Writing abother player's character is a privilige. They've created a persona, and sometimes it might even be difficult for them to write them to perfection. Another player who doesn't have that insight into their personality is going to make mistakes 90% of the time is writing them. That's fine, it's natural, but you absolutely have to have permission and screening first. Period.

Next, your writing. It's not bad, you have some talent. Your writing reminds me a lot of my own years and years ago. I might have had an okay premise, but the excecution was off. This is what I think of yours. Some of it isn't bad, but detail is painfully lacking. I have a feeling you had everything in your mind's eye, then you hammered it out on paper in far too little time. Again, the betrayel scene is just not good. You rush them out into the cloud, all the sudden the tides are turned, there's an awful explanation from "Sephardi", then all of the sudden you write that he escaped. I want detail! I want to hear how Adrian felt deep inside at that very moment! That's a sad situation, he's been betrayed by the people he thought cared for him. Serious insight and reflection into his feelings at that moment would greatly add to the scene. I'd also like to more dialogue. It's like: "What?", quick explanation, runs away. It's just not believable. You need to throw that scene away, and start all over again.

I hope you take this as constructive, because that's what I'm trying to do. Help. You really need to edit out players' name right now. It would be pretty simple to just make them your own creations, and not Sephardi and the others.

Keep it up. I know you can grow.

[n00bl3t]

Though what bugs me the most about it is, that it's pretty much impossible to be half outcast (without knowing it) because you'd be genetically addicted to Cardamine.

While you're at it, flame Fang too. His character is an OC-'sair.

Simply put, it can be role-played as dependency on cardamine is only established if born on Malta, and if one is subject to the cardamine-infused biosphere of the planet.

If born otherwise, no dependency is established. The cardamine would affect Cortez's DNA, but it would only make him long-lived and give him the ability to think on a higher plane.

Edit: I feel however, using someone's name is cheap. Regardless of who that person is.

---

Anything I say is not intended as offensive, and to try and deliberately misinterpret it as such would be an attempt at trolling via misrepresentation.

It's not a conspiracy, it's localised bias. They're not intelligent enough to form a conspiracy.

[Blackstarr]

Alright...... ive read some of the critisizm in this topic and ive realized... that i am in fact.... a *ick at sometimes..... i realize that i screwed up.... and yes.... the murder scene was written as a rush because of the defection as mule said..... i am going to rewrite and rearrange the chapters because of this..

@Zelot - If you want your name removed... just say something.... ill remove it at the drop of a pin... all others who want this... feel free to say so and ill remove them as well....

and my charachter was born on crete... his mother was cardamine addictive.. . and aqquired it on a freeport.... the corsairs found out and killed her...

---

[Zelot]

It's fine, as I said, I dont mind being the bad guy for someone. Thanks for the offer though.

---

 

[Muleo]

While you're at it, flame Fang too. His character is an OC-'sair.

Simply put, it can be role-played as dependency on cardamine is only established if born on Malta, and if one is subject to the cardamine-infused biosphere of the planet.

If born otherwise, no dependency is established. The cardamine would affect Cortez's DNA, but it would only make him long-lived and give him the ability to think on a higher plane.

Edit: I feel however, using someone's name is cheap. Regardless of who that person is.

Never knew Fang, but I was rather close to Hector while he was writing that costory, and I told him the half/half thing was crap too:PDon't worry, my flaming is consistent.

From all the background RP about Outcasts, I always felt the cardamine addiction was absolute and incurable. This is also reflected by their desire to addict the world to it, if people's children weren't addicted to it at birth, this scheme would end pretty quick wouldn't it? And what about children born on ships/stations, would they all go to Malta as some weird pilgrimage to become addicted? Considering heroine addiction is passed down to offspring, I think we can assume Cardamine, the uberdrug would be addictive to children too.

Now that I think about it, hell Corsairs and Outcasts can't even have kids, If Outcasts have their DNA alterred by so much, would they even be compatible with normal humans anymore?

[Saigo.Watanabe]

Never knew Fang, but I was rather close to Hector while he was writing that costory, and I told him the half/half thing was crap too:PDon't worry, my flaming is consistent.

From all the background RP about Outcasts, I always felt the cardamine addiction was absolute and incurable. This is also reflected by their desire to addict the world to it, if people's children weren't addicted to it at birth, this scheme would end pretty quick wouldn't it? And what about children born on ships/stations, would they all go to Malta as some weird pilgrimage to become addicted? Considering heroine addiction is passed down to offspring, I think we can assume Cardamine, the uberdrug would be addictive to children too.

Now that I think about it, hell Corsairs and Outcasts can't even have kids, If Outcasts have their DNA alterred by so much, would they even be compatible with normal humans anymore?

If its any consolation, i enjoy reading your story black.

But about the fact about the children being addicted from birth, they are only so if they are born on a faction station ( or malta), because on those bases they have cardimine within the air systems ( only a small amount but enough to get addicted too if im right) but

Then again i might be wrong, and sorry if i am.

---

"Time is too precious to be idle." - Saigo Watanabe
"Death is something that is inevitable, Something you cannot run away from." - Katharina Hildegard
Now going under the gaming name: Seraxia
www.twitter.com/Seraxia

[Orin]

Writing gives you a little leeway, guys. I think it's fine to bend something that's debatable anyways.

[Blackstarr]

@ mule - The reason of Adrian's non dependency of cardi, is because his mother was an outcast, who only took enough cardi to survive. she diddnt overload herself on it like the normal outcasts. in fact... she hated the stuff. she married a corsair, and a OC with minimal contact with cardi + a corsair with no contact with cardi at all = a child with minimal effect, or a child with no effect. when you think of it, and bring it to scientific terms, when a child is born he randomly recieves traits from both his mother and his father. in Adrian's case, he recieved more traits from his father. one of those traits is the non addictiveness to cardi, therefore that is how adrian is like he is.

---