From an early age, Bazooka Joe hated things. He hated robots. He hated goody two-shoes. He hated kittens. And puppies. And he especially hated everyone who told him what to do. So he waited and plotted and finally graduated high school before he got the guts to kill everyone like he had wanted to.
So he thought some more, but couldn't find a job in an office building so he could go on a shooting spree there.
So he thought some more and then just shrugged and figured he'd go and play some games on the neural net.
Then Bazooka Joe got restless and ate some waffles. The company that made the waffles was having a sweepstakes one lucky winner would win a grand prize of... a Starflier! Wouldnt you know it that Bazooka Joe got the winning box? So he claimed his prize and wondered what he'd do with such an awesome vessel of terrible power.
Then he ate some more waffles because he was still hungry.
Bazooka Joe launched from Eerie, his home planet, ready to unleash the fury of hell on the closest ship. However, it quickly became apparent that his ship was small. Puny. Insignificant. It was no juggernaut of power as he had imagined. So he bit his lip and figured, it wouldn't hurt to wait a bit longer I suppose. So he moved on over to the helium fields, which he had heard was a way to make money. When he tractored some into the tanks, he decided to see what it tasted like and sucked on some.
His voice squeaked for a bit.
So he went around, and stole a load of helium out from under an LPI Camara and flew real fast over to the Junker base he heard about. They won't mind about my reign of terror! thought Bazooka Joe, going on what he knew about the Junkers not caring about things like that. And they also paid more for helium than the planet, which was good.
Then Bazooka Joe flew on to New York to find new guns. The Badlands was interesting, and he flew around a bit, stumbling upon Patrol 27 wrecks (contrary to the 27, there was only 3) and some Rogue freighter wreck called Flint. Jackpot! a cargohold full of Cardamine, whatever that is, and a bunch of guns. REIGN OF TERROR HERE I COME! Only he couldn't mount the guns on his ship and Cardamine is a narcotic illegal in Liberty, which he soon found out when some Naval Carrier told him it was illegal, and a cruiser tried to shoot at him for having it.
Anyways.
He flew on up to Rochester, which he had heard about on Allentown, and doubled his credit score to 100,000 credits or so. There he found out that the Justices he had looted were locked (the hardware wouldn't equip to his ship without the proper codes, and to get an override is expensive), and he could've only had space for one of them even if he did. So he decided to just mount the Rogue lasers he got off Flint and sell all the Liberty lasers.
Then he flew over to Baltimore and got an Adv. Stunpulse, an integral part of his plan if the readings he got from those transports he saw flying around were true.
Then he flew over to the lane to Pittsburgh and cut it, waiting for his first victim. Unfortunately, all he found were Rogues that didn't like him and three Bounty Hunters. With a loud "HIYA!" and much derrydoo, Bazooka Joe was triumphant and sold the Hunters to the Junkers for some nice money. Unfortunately, the lane was unfruitful. So he switched over to the lane to Detroit Munitions and waited.
The first thing that came along was an Ageira Rhino. BAM BAM BAM NO MERCY! Haha! That'll teach him! Oh wait, it won't cuz he's dead! Or not so much; Bazooka Joe got his escape pod and sold him to the Junkers. Then he went back and got a Universal Rhino with two Starflier escorts. BAM BAM BAM (times three) NO MERCY! They, too, succumbed to the awesome might of Bazooka Joe. And again.
Satisfied with a hard day's work, Bazooka Joe retired to Rochester to eat some waffles.
Sated with waffles, Bazooka Joe continued his reign of terror at the same lane. Alas! The LPI caught on and sent a patrol down the lane, forcing Bazooka Joe to run screaming! Curse you, Officer Michael Zanero! thought he, as he fled to Colorado. However, there his luck improved. Three Navy Defenders succumbed to the awesome might of Bazooka Joe's ship.
His luck ran out when two Bowex trains and two Starflier escorts came out of the lane. Determined to vanquish them, Bazooka Joe both underestimated the strength of his foes and overestimated his firepower. Greatly. They escaped down the lane after a few minutes of scuffling, his shield batteries depleted. He returned to Rochester sad, though apparently after wasting the Navy patrol the Rogues liked him somewhat now.
With that, he set off to find Buffalo, the rumored Rogue base deep in the Badlands. His flimsy Starflier almost died on the cold asteroids, but he finally made it!
Bazooka Joe poked around Buffalo with much interest, trying to learn how the criminal underbelly worked. It worked much like any underbelly, to be honest. Bowel movements and all. At least, that's what Bazooka Joe thought.
Then he saw the cramped ship sale section and fell in love with the ship he had seen so many Rogues flying -- the Bloodhound. However, when he moved closer a guerrilla jumped him and pushed him back with a huge, meaty finger.
"You's not allowed here," he drawled, speaking through a nose that had been broken more than once.
"AWWWWW! Why not?!" replied Bazooka Joe, on the verge of throwing a tantrum that he should be allowed to do what he wanted.
"We dun sell ta civilians. Buzz off, kiddo."
With that, he flexed his hands that were the size of bear claws and bodily forced Bazooka Joe out of the ship dealership.
Bazooka Joe was upset. He obviously had a nemesis now. There was no question. The waffles were disappearing with no explanation. There must be someone out to get him. The NEMESIS. So he set off to find the dastardly fiend who was assaulting his food supply.
From Buffalo he flew to the nearby trade lane and set about disrupting it. It didn't take long before an Ageira ship loaded down with Light Arms barreled out of the lane.
"HEY YOU! DID YOU TAKE MY WAFFLES?!" shouted Bazooka Joe, not caring for once that the ship he was making demands of was fifty times the size of his ship. This was serious. Besides, this person probably wasn't his nemesis.
The Ageira captain, named Katrina, was obviously put off slightly by his demented demands. But the transport flew on to the next lane and left. "YEAH YOU BETTER RUN!" was what Bazooka Joe yelled at the receding transport. Then a DSE transport came down the lane and started shooting, so Bazooka Joe shot back, looking to steal the H-Fuel. Success! It was a lot easier than the two Bowex tranports, especially since there was only one DSE transport.
Bazooka Joe set out for the same lane once again, intent on a single goal. He wouldn't tell anyone what this goal was, not even himself. But it was of the utmost importance that he complete this goal, as people would finally stop laughing at him once he did. But sadly, that was impossible thanks to some fat pig of a cop named Zanero and a cat-lady-thing named Vixen. Before that, however, Bazooka Joe got to see the strangest sight ever, so strange and wonderful that it overcame his immediate cowardly reaction to run away...
But shortly after it dropped out of the lane, Zanero did too. Yelling and screaming, Bazooka Joe scrambled for the nearby jump hole, dropping a few countermeasures to deflect the cruise disruptors the cop fired. Success! He was safe in the Badlands, but that Vixen was telling Zanero to cut him off in Texas! Bazooka Joe jumped to Texas, only to find... MONSTERS! He ran for the nearby Junker base, yelling more. They were out to get him! They were LAUGHING at him!
Vixen wasn't far behind. Bazooka Joe docked, but she taunted him and stuff until he undocked and then she started shooting. So he ran. To Houston, first, to see if he could buzz the cop which had followed to Texas... then back over to California, where he finally stopped on Alcatraz. But the cat-lady-thing had admitted to being his nemesis. Bazooka Joe couldn't help but wonder: How many nemesises do I have? Nemesii?
Bazooka Joe smiled as he launched from Alcatraz and flew off. After awhile, he jettisoned the bodies and turned back. Let's see how much they laugh at me now, thought he.
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