My life started off in the mess around Leeds and I've seen things no one would ever have wanted to witness. The nightmares still haunt me but at least I managed to break free from this mayhem and was lucky enough to waste my money on a smuggler who took me and a few other desperate people from the surface. We were dropped off on New London where I received my refugee status. Ever since I arrived I checked the long lists of missing people, as I wanted to find out where my parents were. They left a year before me but I didn't hear from them ever since.
Life became a bit brighter when I met this Aiden McFarlane, another refugee who had to request new identity papers as well. We heard that we'd be shipped off to one of the new refugee complexes on Sprague in Omega-3. Me and Aiden made a deal and requested that we'd be given the same housing, an apartment for the two of us. We knew it would be tiny but at least we'd have more money at the end of each month. Being this close to him created a bond as we shared our stories and dreamed about having a better future.
Aiden showed his interest in me and I felt equally attracted to him. The time we spent together in the small apartment as nice and I enjoyed every second of it. However it was time to get to work and we both had been job hunting for quite a while. We shared a similar background as we had both been pilots for different Bretonian corporations. He soon found a job with this company called ‘Ajax Solutions’ and was given the opportunity to buy out his ship once he earned enough.
For me it was a bit more difficult to find a proper job but I met someone who sponsored me a ship. With that I did some Freelancer work before I noticed Auxesia, a para-military like group. Their goals were unique as they were focused on Research development and fighting these Aliens in the edge worlds. It felt special and the pay seemed to be worth it so I signed up and got accepted fairly swiftly as well. What I didn’t foresee was that this would consume a lot of time and that meant that me and Aiden rarely got to see each other.
We did meet whenever we could and I managed to surprise him at home a few times by showing up unannounced. Again, being with him was great and helped me forget about all the things that had happened. He promised he would work hard to get his own ship which would mean he’d be able to fly with him to wherever we’d want to go. Everything went as we had planned and we managed to spend more time together, going to systems we had never seen before but first foremost we were able to enjoy each other.
Thing however changed when I got to know more of the people within Auxesia. A guy named Stacker who belongs to the high command had confessed that he had been involved in crimes against humanity, to be more specific, he claimed that he had a part in killing hundreds if not thousands of refugees that had been picked up from planet Leeds, my home. These people were used as guinea pigs for whatever sick experiments they did to them. Hearing him talk like that almost had me spill my lunch, considering that my parents might as well have been amongst those that had been led to their deaths.
This revelation made it difficult for me to move on but I have managed thus far even when it had cost me a grave sacrifice. I couldn’t get myself to act normal around Aiden anymore, I felt a lump in my throat whenever I was about to go and see him. Being with him was still nice but having to keep this quiet for him was hurting me, so much even that I can’t keep this up and I’ve told him move on without me. I told him it was just me, that I had lost feelings for him and that it would be better if we stopped seeing each other. He did send a few messages telling me he wanted to talk but so far I managed to ignore them. I just hope he’ll be alright and able to move on…
It’s weird when I read my previous entry as most of that has been made up but here I am, having written my cover story for Miri, the Leeds Refugee. Raven and Hunt had advised me to sign up for Auxesia with a cover identity. This would help me to keep my contacts in Rheinland as they couldn’t guarantee me that I would remain ‘lawful’ to them. I don’t want to get outlawed by Rheinland even when there is hardly anything to return to. I hardly have friends besides this Damian Heller, a Rheinland police officer who helped me get through some rough times. He however has been quiet for a while now.
Anyway, Rheinland. I was born and raised there. Finished college and went to flight school at the Republican academy. I passed and worked for them for two years. I just got my first apartment on New Berlin before I heard they would fire me and that this would be my last month with them. Budget cuts was the excuse they used. I don’t get it because they were already short on pilots and we had some hellish shifts out there. That doesn’t matter now, I hated them for just pushing me aside like that. I left Rheinland, bought me a ship of my own after getting rid of this Republican Eagle on the Black market. It was my first ever crime committed, one that actually had me panic and leave Rheinland, this leave had be end up being away from home for two years.
In these two years I have been making use of my time as a Freelancer. The money from the Eagle I used to get myself a Bayonet in which I spent most of my time. I took mainly escort jobs and sometimes a bounty job if I really needed the money. I’ve spent a lot of my time in Liberty and also met someone here, Norman O’Connor. He was a Freelancer too and we’ve worked together for quite some time, sharing jobs and in general just making life better for each other. Sadly all of that came to an end when he had his own life catching up on him. Enemies from his past showed up and bombed his house when he was there. I’ve not heard from him since but I have a sliver of hope that he’s still alive.
In the time I was with Norman I also met this guy named Noah Xonnel, another Freelancer who turned out be an undercover Order agent. We spent quite some time together and made some mistakes, this undermined out relationship and eventually had us break up in the most painful, a way I never could’ve imaged. He wasn’t completely human anymore as Cardamine had mutated him, it gave him an ability that he used to traumatize me with, an act that would make it impossible for us to ever be together. To this day I still have nightmares from it.
The weeks that followed were painful, I was alone. My boyfriend died or went missing and my best friend casted me out. I desperately tried to pick up the pieces and tried to get my focus on the future. This is where I decided to follow up on some friends. Friends I say but back then I didn’t feel too comfortable around them. I’m speaking of Joshua Hunt and Sapphire Raven. These two did help me through some rough times and Hunt offered me a place amongst their ranks. This is how I became Miri, the Leeds refugee.
As Miri I met Aiden and we’ve been together for quite some time and most of Miri’s story was actually the truth except for the part where I decided to leave him. I did leave but the reasoning behind it was a bit different. I lied to him about my origin as I’m not from Leeds, I’ve never even set foot on its surface. Luckily the neutral-net offered me a way out and it seemed to have been convincing enough to keep him around me.
When I learned about Stacker and his background, something snapped. I came to the realization that I couldn’t keep on lying to Aiden, he doesn’t deserve that. This is the reason I broke up with him the way I did. I feel like such a coward for not having dared to even approach him face to face. I made some loser message, telling him I didn’t have feelings anymore. This is where my stories merged.
I’m back on my own but at least I found my place within Auxesia. I am part of the family, at least that's how Hunt puts it.
There have been some interesting developments or observations. One being this Aria girl who got involved with Auxesia out of nowhere. She seems to be suffering from amnesia and can be quite emotional because of that as she can’t remember much about herself. She too seems to be unpredictable as me and Raven had to chase her down across Liberty to make sure she wouldn’t do anything stupid. She claimed she was hunting bad guys. Luckily everything worked out and no one got hurt besides a few Rogues that lived on a destroyer.
What I find curious about this girl is that Raven and Hunt call her their friend and that she appears to be fond of them as well. However no one seems to be very willing to tell me where she came from and how she ended up being their friend. Aria herself told me that Glass, one of the main doctors within Auxesia, had told her that she had an accident a stray shot had her injured. Maybe I should talk to Glass about it? Although I can imagine what he’ll tell me. At least Aria and I managed to talk a little more, be it at the cost of me breaking my cover as Miri to her but since she seems to be in the trust circles of Hunt and Raven, I figured it would be alright.
On another note, I think Raven managed to get pregnant again. The signs of it are there at least, she seems to be exhausted, more than I think she used to be. At Hunt’s birthday party she ran off to the bathrooms as well in the middle of everything, I wonder if it could’ve been her nausea. The main reason I’m thinking all of this though is because I saw her belly being a little more rounded than it used to be. I guess I could talk to her, nothing wrong with showing bit of curiosity about that right? I mean, I still feel for her about what happened the first time she was preggy. Who knocked her up shouldn’t be hard to guess either. I just wish there was room for all of this in my life as well but maybe in a few years?
Speaking about my own life, it’s a lot quieter now without Aiden. No more texting and running around to try and meet between my patrols and escorts. I’d be lying if it wasn’t fun to hang out with him and I do really miss him but it’s all for the better. My work is dangerous and shouldn’t really involve any relationships, not at this point anyway. I feel like I can take more risks out there now, not need to really worry about people being heartbroken if somewhere were to happen to me. I somewhere doubt that Hunt and Raven would even shed a tear about it, I don't even know why I am thinking this.
Back home again on New Berlin, it feels weird being here, especially after having seen him again. Noah Xonnel some guy I met a while ago and we hung out together. We had our good and bad moments. At first we had quite the arguments but eventually managed to befriend each other, something I let go too far which eventually led to everything breaking down around me. He pushed me away and the memories of that night still return to me in nightmares. I wish I could forget about it but that seems to be impossible.
Yesterday we met for the first time again after we separated and it gave me a weird feeling but I managed to keep them buried for the most part as we were at a birthday party. It was Raven’s birthday and Hunt had organized it together with Aria, we were on Honshu. It was all arranged in a large house that had been from a friend of Hunt who had passed away. The party was nice but I couldn’t really enjoy myself with Noah being around and he ignored me as well, apparently even my jokes didn’t land at the rest of the table which made it all just more awkward for me.
Hunt had also arranged for us to be able to stay there for the night, everyone in their separate rooms. I was really looking forward to the party when he first mentioned it to me but then he said he wanted to invite Noah over and my whole eagerness for the thing just collapsed. The only reason I went there was for Hunt and Raven wanting to give them their nice party and show them I’m their friend no matter what. I guess the party itself could’ve gone worse if Noah and I had actually talked and ended up arguing or worse but none of that happened so I’m glad.
Even when the rooms that were given to us were nice and comfortable I couldn’t get myself to fall asleep, having seen Noah again had refreshed all my memories about our times together and what he did to me, some of these visions returned to me when I tried to fall asleep. Very early in the morning and still not having been able to sleep, I decided to leave. I’m sorry for Hunt and Raven to walk out like this and I hope they didn’t have too much planned for the morning.
Not really knowing where to go, I went back home in the hope to find some peace but even here I wasn’t able to sleep. What was I even thinking, this place feels so tainted especially now. At least I remember him being happier in the times we shared here but there were also his breakdowns, they actually scared me. I wonder if he ever had to deal with these after he pushed me away since they always seemed to have been related to us being together or the likely hood of us getting separated.
Here we are in the morning and still not having had any sleep, I guess I’ll just go for a jog and see where I end up. I’m actually considering of getting rid of this place as I’m hardly here anyway…
Where do we begin? I’ve been feeling pretty off ever since this party happened and I saw Noah. He had this nervous breakdown in front of us at the party just as I gave Raven my gift that I had bought for her birthday. He ruined the moment for me but it also bothered me to see him like that, it made me wonder if he was still as unstable as he used to be when we were together.
None of that really matters now as he seems to be eager on trying to ruin things for me even further. Now he managed to make my two best friends distrust me. He told Raven and Hunt that I’m supposedly an agent of Rheinland. Hunt questioned me about it and the situation was tense, for all I knew he was about to harm me as Noah had when he didn’t believe what I said. It felt as if he already made up his mind and whatever I would say wouldn’t matter. Luckily I was wrong about that and Hunt did have some common sense in him.
He got his answer though even when he forced me to tell it to him. I had to say that I trust him. Not that a forced answer like that can hold any truth. I was just trying to get out of it alive. I really do want to trust him but I don’t know what lies are being fed to him by Noah. Nor do I know how much he would really believe Noah’s words over mine. He did however admit that he doesn’t fully trust Noah but it could’ve also just been him trying to make me feel at ease. Would you listen to myself, I guess Noah also managed to make me distrust Hunt and Raven…
There is that then, now I feel even more on my own as before. My two best and only friends won’t trust me anymore and I’ll have to work even harder to not lose them if I haven’t already. It was at least good to hear that he did remember the things I’ve done so far for them and for Auxesia, so that didn’t go unnoticed. I just wonder what the future will bring and if Noah has more up on his sleeve.
My trust is obviously broken and I am having a hard time to act normal when being around anyone really. To try and prove my worthy and show them that I didn’t plan on leaving even when they didn’t trust me anymore, I decided to work hard. I patrolled more even when I lacked the sleep for it, an irresponsible thing to do but I couldn’t shake the thoughts of them actually acting on the believes that I was an agent. Could it all really end like this where they’d backstab me and believe Noah’s word over mine? After all this time I still can’t properly read Hunt, would he really do such a thing?
They were right though about some things, I wasn’t always honest with them and these lies could possibly break more than I’d wish for. It was time to act on it and tell Hunt the truth about me, this hopefully would restore some trust between us and make me working for them more comfortable as the constant reminders of what Noah did to me weren’t really helping my focus. Ever since he’s been around Auxesia I keep being reminded about that one day, the nightmares returned as well but it’s something I’ll have to deal with since he joined our ranks and thus will be around pretty much every day from now on.
As for the lunch with Hunt, it went well and I was able to say what I wanted to say. He seemed to be listening and also understood my point of view. Now he knows Aiden and Norman were the same figure, I loved him and tried to be with him at all cost so I lied to everyone except for Noah because at the time I trusted him with this information. Norman had to lay low because of a personal attack against him. I respected this and went with him as he changed his name and identity. He became Aiden and a new friend to Miri while Norman was missing. It pains me that I am still responsible for breaking our relationship. I loved being with him as he appeared to be the only one I could truly trust in this universe yet I was the one to break this trust due to the events surrounding Noah. Norman wasn’t the same anymore after I confessed about what happened between me and Noah. I don’t blame him, it all was my own fault after all.
In the end the lunch with Hunt was nice, I felt relieved and able again. Yet there was still Raven who didn’t truly trust me and I could feel the tension when patrolling. She seemed to be more on edge around me, asked me where my patrols were headed and so on. Obviously they were around the bordering systems. I wonder if Noah joined the first patrol to check if I was actually following all the regulations and not making any suspicious talks or stops along the way. God, I wish they would just believe me.
Now I'm back in my bunk and probably in for another sleepless night.
Things escalated again. A few days back I couldn’t sleep and decided to go and fly again. I learned that Raven was missing. She left to Cambridge to avenge what had happened to Aria, the girl had been assaulted by someone and Raven wanted to make sure these people would pay for what they did. At first I thought it was about some groping but I soon learned it was another encounter and Aria had actually been hurt. Hunt told me he had wanted to take action at first himself but Raven had talked him out of it. Good, I thought at first because it would’ve done more harm than good if he had left to chase people because of emotions.
Now Raven was about to do the same even after she had told Hunt to do not do it. I chased her down to Cambridge as I wanted to keep her from getting herself harmed especially now that she’s so fragile as she’s pregnant. Not to mention the extra responsibilities that come with it, something she doesn’t seem to recognize herself. Once again she dropped her medicines which resulted in this irresponsible behavior. I knew I couldn’t convince her top stop chasing these people that had hurt Aria, so instead I offered my help. It still took me a while to convince her that it was better to go together rather than going alone. She claimed that she didn’t want anyone else to get hurt, a silly excuse if you ask me as she is the one being pregnant and was basically taking three living beings in danger, herself and her twins.
We spent the night in an apartment of hers after she had prepared the necessary equipment at the compound that she planned to attack. The people that were responsible for hurting Aria based some operations from here apparently and they were smugglers for the Corsairs, artifacts. Knowing this it helped my consciousness to be able to take proper action against these people. With some drones at the ready, we headed out. I would take the over watch position while Raven would trick them and surprise them. She used the cover of another identity, one that was a mercenary of sorts.
Soon things went down and I could hear the shooting inside. I kept my position as we agreed and via the comms I could hear if she would require a hand or not. These people soon had their reinforcements and I managed to take one individual out with a flurry of shots as he tried to reach the rear entrance. When Raven gave the all clear I entered the building and saw her beating up the last guy, she made sure he would never be able to enjoy the pleasures of life. It was something I couldn’t watch and instead I walked around the building. After hearing some struggle I returned to the room where Raven was but she was gone. I heard some quick steps behind me but I couldn’t react in time and was knocked out by a taser. I swear I heard him approach but I didn’t react in time for whatever reason. Something in my head was distracting me but I couldn’t quite place it. Perhaps I was just shocked to not find Raven there…
I regained my consciousness later and found myself locked in a room and stripped of my equipment. At least I wasn’t tied down. I moved around the room and listened to what happened in the room besides me. I could hear Raven and some men, they were taunting each other. It didn’t take me too long to realize what was truly happening, I felt so helpless. There was nothing I could do besides waiting. I had my ears covered to try and stop the voices from reaching me. I’d get them for this, they won’t get away with this, I promised to myself.
Quite some time later the door was breached and found an almost lifeless Raven, her injuries told the story of what had happened. With her last bit of strength she had managed to break the lock of my room using a charged sword. The men had apparently left the room which had given her this opportunity. I quickly looked after her and gathered whatever equipment I could find. I made sure she got the sidearm I acquired so that she could defend herself while I would take the sword to find these people in the compound and avenge what they had done to Raven. The sword was uncomfortable for me, it’s too personal for me and after taking the first one down by surprise I would continue with his side arm. What happened after this was just a blur but I remember killing them, their last expressions before they were stabbed or shot. Some of them showed regret but they still deserved it, no judge is required to prove their guilt, not for crimes like these.
All of them, I killed them all.
***
I carried the unconscious Raven to a vehicle outside that I managed to hijack. Wrapped gently in a blanket I put her on the back seats together with a security drone that could watch her while her personal drone that she called ’74 would sit beside me to help me navigate. I pressed the paddle to get away from this place and I probably broke the speed limit on pretty much every road we drove by.
Hesitantly I had called Hunt to inform him that we needed a pick up. I couldn’t yet mention the sheer amount of injuries that Raven had sustained but he understood that it was bad and that we needed an urgent evacuation from Cambridge. He sent some armoured group to pick us up and while we were getting Raven looked after some more hostiles showed up who apparently followed us. Tacitus, one of the armoured soldiers had a close encounter but dealt properly with them and with some covering fire from other units we managed to move Raven into the Redeemer where someone going by the callsign ‘four’ acted as a field medic and looked after Raven’s injuries.
He patched her up as best he could but it all looked grim, she was badly hurt and my own injuries from the fight were relatively minor, especially compared to hers. When we arrived on the Eidolon she was moved with all haste to Doctor Glass who operated on her for several hours. He managed to save her life but sadly and it pains me to even write this down, one of the twins didn’t make it. I can’t help but feel that I’m responsible for this as well, if I had just paid more attention then I’d have beaten this guy who cowardly hit me in the back. They should’ve taken me instead so the lives of these innocents would not have been harmed.
I don’t know how to behave around Raven and Hunt, I hope they will be able to get through this and perhaps let this event be their last and final warning to truly think about what they are doing rather than to act on emotions only. I can’t help but also feel that Raven has been responsible for this by herself, she should have known what about the possible outcomes, yet she brought herself and her children in danger and what would there be left of Hunt if more was to be lost? Doesn’t he deserve better than this?
***
Glass had patched me up as well and told me to get some rest after these events, something I myself ignored as I couldn’t stand it to be in a silent room just to end up digging in my thoughts so I picked up work again, ignoring my injuries. Nice timing from the Corsairs to show up in force, I was hardly able to get a shot out and ended up straining myself, I over extended and ended up in a medical bed myself after I was shot down. Now I’m just sitting here, bruised up even more. I guess I really am forced to take a break from work now.
I wonder if all of this was worth it, redemption but at what cost?
I’ve been discharged from the medical bay and started to fly again recently. My dislike for hospital environments was fed again. I don’t really know what was causing it, maybe it was just the events spinning around in my head or perhaps the people that were there. It was all just a little eerie and I can’t really put my finger on it. While I was there I did meet someone interesting, he goes by the codename ‘Tacitus’ and is part of a special security detail. He’s quite pretty actually and I sometimes felt like I looked at a mixture of Hunt and Raven but I guess those were the painkillers tricking me or something.
Me and Tacitus met a few times while I was recovering, he said his eyes fell on me and that he couldn’t stop thinking about me after that. He called me and asked to talk to me more to get to know me. It’s really weird and I have a feeling something isn’t quite right. He explained he never really had friends and so on and that I was actually the first he found worth socializing with. I honestly wonder if Hunt doesn’t have something to do with this because I still don’t believe he actually trusts me after what happened, no matter what he tells me. So it wouldn’t be that strange for him to assign someone to keep a closer look at me. The personal approach makes me uncomfortable however especially with all the recent events where I broke up with Aiden who was actually Norman and now Noah who has returned as well.
Speaking of Noah, I asked him be he’d be okay with a lunch. We had a good talk outside the medical bay that he visited a lot because of Raven being there and I felt it was the right thing to do because maybe I’ll be able to get things to a better level as I still feel there is a wall between us that can be broken down. Hopefully this leads to us being able to trust each other more and be able to deal with what has happened in the past. I accepted the fact that I can’t forget about it but perhaps being on okay terms with him again will mean that my nightmares will become less intense and hopefully will eventually leave me alone.
Coming back to the subject of Tacitus or rather, Derek as he said his actual name was. I admit, I don’t trust everything he says even when he seems honest but that doesn’t mean I can try and dig a little here. I’d be disappointed if Hunt really send him after me and uses him to try and find out how truthful I am. I wonder how long this accusation of me supposedly being an agent will last, be it in my own paranoia or theirs.
Just like yesterday where Raven took me on a trip around Planets to look for a place to settle. I had told her Cambridge was a bad idea as we went on this rampage there and we didn’t exactly cover our trails nor can we be sure about there not having been any witnesses. In the end it means this place is no longer safe to visit especially not for an upcoming mom like Raven. My paranoia kicked in when we went to Rheinland, I was wondering if she took me here on purpose and proposed Rheinland planets as a safe place to settle as a mom. I went with it, even offered my apartment as a place but it looks like Raven has quite a list of demands for her new place and my place didn’t seem to fit the bill. I have been thinking to cancel the rent of my apartment and just leave it for what it is, I hardly come there and if I were to go home I can already hear Hunt sniffing over my shoulder and again it probably wouldn’t matter what I’d say since a paranoid mind like his is never convinced. With that and Raven not wanting the place it might be better to just leave Rheinland completely. My place is here now, with Auxesia so all my belongings are going into cold storage somewhere, for now I loaded up my Eagle with them and I’ve yet to decide where I will lock my personal items away.
At least my life is calming down somewhat again. Derek and I are able to talk about things, be it lies or not I don’t mind, it’s just nice to spent time with him. The same goes for Raven, flying with her was nice even when my paranoid mind thought different of it. Now I just need things with Noah to settle down and I’ll be golden for the time being, I just keep flying and do my job and all will eventually fall in place, right?
Things have been nagging my mind lately, Derek who has been spending time with me, Noah who has been around which I for some reason can’t shake from my mind and then there is Norman who I’m really starting to miss now. I guess Derek is making up for it. Now there at least someone I can hold onto whenever I have a nightmare. They seem to have less of an influence on me whenever I am able to wake up next to someone. It’s weird though, they have become so much more vivid as of late, this is why I started to seek for help from Glass, hoping he would have a solution for this as Noah obviously doesn’t have a reliable one.
Me and Noah had a lunch together and everything went quite well, I enjoyed it but accidentally ruined he mood when I mentioned my nightmares and almost begged for him to take his memories that he had pushed into me back. He offered help and dried my tears by offering some ice cream. It was a simple gesture but it worked wonders. I was happy, truly happy. I guess I could compare the feeling to when he gave me a ship. Hah, weird that a ship can equal a simple ice cone.
We separated and agreed on a new meeting where he would introduce someone that could help me with my nightmares and hopefully could rid me of them. I was nervous but also looking forward to it, would this finally mean that I could sleep again properly? Apparently not, I saw Noah kiss this woman in front of me, he wasn’t aware of my presence yet. When it became apparent that this woman was supposed to help me, I became conflicted and paranoid. I wouldn’t be able to trust them no matter how much I tried. I also felt betrayed and jealous, at least the latter is what Glass told me. I left as I saw nothing good coming from this.
***
Some days later I was on escort duty together with Noah and some other pilots. Drones had located a new object in Omicron Delta. It was a simple task, all we had to do was to keep the survey vessels secure. I was fine for the most part of the mission but when Hans von Goeben and Thallia showed up. Hans is a researcher who helped me with some personal issues, perhaps a story for another time. He however didn’t recognise me as he isn’t aware of my alter ego, Miri. Thallia on the other hand might have recognised me but she kept quiet about it, something I appreciated as she is the woman that Noah kissed and I guess there is more to it than just a kiss. Who knows, maybe he called her in after we located this structure in Delta as it was obviously Nomad related.
Sure enough, after taking some scans and retrieving research material we awakened the beast. Several larger nomad creatures showed up and started to lose my focus as they began beaming their images into my had. I managed to fight it but I’ve never felt such a massive headache. I don’t think I passed out but I don’t recall much of what happened besides trying to fight off one of the smaller creatures. Noah was yelling at me to fall back, only then I noticed I was actually on my own. At least I managed to bail out and caught up with the rest but I didn’t feel safe with flying any further and thus docked on Freeport 8 to try and catch my breath. I couldn’t stop shaking as memories flooded my mind when I was alone in my room. I downed some alcohol before I passed out, I guess it worked. Sure I woke up with a hangover but at least my mind wasn’t occupied with the fear and memories anymore.
I went back to talk to Glass to explain to him what happened when we encountered the Nomads. I feel it wasn’t just them that caused me to freak out like that but that it had to do with Noah as well and perhaps the presence of Thallia too as they both have this ability to influence one’s mind. I can’t know for sure and perhaps it’s just my paranoia but what can you do…
***
Glass gave me some advice and sleeping pills to break through the nights and at least get more sleep even though the nightmares are still there, I am now able to sleep normal hours instead of the regular three or four I used to have before waking up and then being unable to catch any sleep.. Glass also offered a procedure that could possibly remove my traumatising memories. I’m not sure what to think of this, it sounds dangerous and I don’t trust him or those he works for enough to actually proceed with this. What if they removed more than just my troubled thoughts? For all I know they could brain wash me into a zombie that works for me. Ah, here goes my paranoia again.
There was something else Glass was curious about as well and that was Tacitus, he asked about my relationship with him and I was honest. We were close but I didn’t want it to actually be a relationship. His presence helps me and he makes me happy, he’s like a shelter from all my troubles, I place I can retreat to. However, he’s not really supposed to engage in relationships himself. He does push for that and it makes me uncomfortable, I tried to explain him my stance a few times now but I am still not sure if he caught on. Glass explained me that this by no means is supposed to influence our jobs, so I’ll make sure of that and I hope to keep him in check. I however do fear a painful ending but for now it feels like it’s worth it as I wouldn’t know what I would do if I were to be truly alone. Well, alone I say, before Tacitus I did go and see random guys to try and seek for this refuge I needed to handle these nightmares. It worked but it doesn’t feel right.
Surely things did break down sooner than I expected. Tacitus mentioned that he knew who I was, an agent, he said. And here I thought this was left in the past. He said he talked to Hunt and that he mentioned this to him. I became upset and pushed him away. I wanted to be alone as I felt betrayed again. Why is this chasing me? Why can’t people just believe who I really am? All of this because some Nomad once mentioned my name in which the context doesn’t even seem to make sense. Goddamn it, why I can’t my friends just trust me?!
I didn’t really think anymore when I wrote Hunt some sarcastic messages. Sure enough he eventually caught on and he tried to explain to me that it was some sort of misunderstanding. Heh, of course just a misunderstanding, I’m sure it’s just that. I don’t believe him nor do I trust him. Even now that Tacitus explained to me that it was his fault and things were probably said in a way he didn’t mean to. I accepted his apology and we made up for it. However I don’t believe Hunt or Raven casted the thought of me being and agent away. I never actually felt I could connect with Raven to begin with. We had some chats in the past but never really seemed to find common ground besides her goals, the way she executes them leaves questions, yet I feel like I’m stuck here as I really have no one else to turn to. Sitting at home or going independent feels like a waste of time to me as I wouldn’t change anything in this world. At least being in Auxesia feels like I’m having an impact on the survival of mankind by standing our ground against the Nomads.
As for Hunt, I feel a lot more connected with him. We talked quite often about very personal things and whenever I am stuck with my feelings or thoughts I always felt he would be willing to listen. Maybe listening to someone else’s issues makes him able to deal with his own better. However I do often feel that he just tells me things that I want to hear rather than being completely honest. Just like when he told me he believed me when I said I wasn’t an agent. I don’t think he meant that but he doesn’t want me gone either. It’s a difficult situation for me and I noticed I am second guessing a lot more things than I used to do.
To sum everything up from the recent weeks. Me and Noah managed to connect a little again just to have it break down again. Me and Tacitus connected more just to have that fall apart and re-connect once more at the cost of my trust towards Hunt and Raven diminishing to the point where I don’t know if I want to call hem friends anymore. It’s not that I don’t like them but I am second guessing them too much so perhaps stepping back myself and simply let them do their thing while I do mine is the best approach for now. In the meantime I have a week at least to be here on Gran Canaria to settle my thoughts and perhaps even try this meditating, who knows what that will do to me.
I’m still on Gran Canaria and things have settled somewhat but there have also been some annoyances but first the nice things of the vacation here. I adore this planet and I don’t mind the cold that they are predicting for the future, it reminds me of Berlin where I grew up. I love the freezing temperature and got a good taste of it when joining a group of hikers. We went up the mountain to walk to a Glacier, the view was awesome and the group was nice, we had some simple chats. Although I again felt like pretending to be Miri rather than Inge. The lies came out swiftly still and I actually felt content, almost jealous about Miri’s life. Sure she had a rough past but right now she was care free and with friends.
As for myself, well, to be very blunt. The thing between me and Derek isn’t working out. I really did think he was honest when he confessed his love to me but I couldn’t just say the same in return. I felt that I didn’t know him well enough yet but he did make me happy and I did my very best to make him feel at home around me as I didn’t want to just lose him to someone else. I was content with how things were for now, we met here and there and things were fun. He visited me here as well and we talked about our situation. However I still didn’t feel ready to tell him I loved him, I want to be sure about this. I explained to him many times why I was so hesitant and he told me he understood but obviously he didn’t since my hesitation made him run off with someone else.
Apparently he can’t wait for a week or month and give me the time to settle my thoughts. He was already looking for other opportunities, other women he could spent his time with and ran away from him after getting a call of this Nesrin having a seizure of sorts. I’m confident he could’ve taken a moment to at least tell me good bye but no, he had to run off in all haste. When this happened I knew I wasn’t his prime concern anymore it changed to Nesrin, whoever she is. I guess I should be glad that this ended sooner rather than later as it revealed Derek's actual interests and that they are hardly matching his words. He’s not patient at all and if he can’t wait for me now then it’s better to just let go of him completely.
Is there really no one out there that cares about me and what I say? Raven is leaving now as well so yay me, that means Hunt will be busier than ever. Not that this matters that much, we are hardly actual friends with this amount of distrust between us. I mean, I still believe that they are buying Noah’s lies about being an agent. Even Derek was convinced of that and I was pretty convinced myself that he wouldn’t believe a word of Noah, at least by how e was behaving, so it had to have come from Hunt and/or Raven.
There is that then, no more friends, no more social drama. Now I just have to focus on ridding myself of these nightmares. Oh right, I can’t even do my job straight without freaking out when Nomads are involved and considering this is one of our prime tasks.
