She watched him stand, as he spoke with his back to her she just nodded slowly, it upset her, seeing him like this upset her. Knowing that she had hurt him upset her more. Hearing he wanted to go back, and to take her back was a soothing thought, but it was one she knew she didn't deserve.
"call me stupid, I honestly didn't think that you... "
She sighed. She knew how it sounded, and she knew she was wrong. She was unable to bring herself to finish the sentence. Clearly he cared about her leaving more than she ever thought he would. She hadn't expected forgiveness.
"for what it is worth.... I am sorry."
She wasn't sure what has happened on Leeds, but she could only imagine, she had been told the stories of the refugees over the years. She stayed silent, just listening. When he stopped taking her pulse she watched him, trying to get some indication of whether she was going to be OK.
As he mentioned surgery, she looked away again. She closed her eyes as he started playing with her hair once more. She spoke quietly, as a rule, she never let anyone know her fears, as fears could be used as a weapon.
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"And afraid you should be," retorted Doc with a couple of nods. "You should be very afraid!"
He stood up and with a couple of steps, was standing by her feet. "Anyone who tells you that they are not afraid are liars. Fear is what will keep you alive because it is what keeps you alert, your head on a swivel in a crowded room or one eye on your scanner when flying."
He then stepped forward and pulled aside the sheet that covered her healing body. The cuts, the bruising and stitchings. He nodded a bit as he looked directly into her face and spoke softly but directly, "If you were not afraid before, this is why you should be and if you were, you will be more so now." He then covered her back up, "And there is not a damned thing wrong with it."
He returned to sitting beside her but was still direct. "Every time I get in the cockpit of my freighter, I am scared, especially when I fly through Corsair territory or space of the Outcasts. People who I was friends with yesterday may not like me today with so many coming and going. Whenever I send a medical crew to a Freeport, whenever I send a Med Force cruiser on a mission in hostile territory." He thinks for a second before continuing, "Freeport One and Freeport Eleven come to mind. Hell, I just ordered a cruiser to Freeport Five in the Omega 41 system which is heavily radiated and getting worse by the day......."
He took a breath and collected himself, "Fact is, no decision I make is done without fear and no one in Med Force Enterprises is forced into going somewhere they do not want to go." He shook his head a little and spoke softly yet directly, "For the one thing that John Holliday fears more than anything is going up to a family and telling them that a loved one has died in the service of Med Force Enterprises."
His eyes welled up at the thought. "I have had to do that hundreds of times already and it gets harder each time."
He then added a touch of quiet rage to it but was calm as could be when he did it. "And to add humiliation to it all, those Bretonian families that I had to tell families of a death to are now occupying the very planet with the colony they once negotiated with us Zoners in good faith." He sat back, quietly but visibly angry and NOT at her.
"So you said that you are afraid." His nods were small but there, "that is probably the best thing you have ever done for yourself."
He then picked up her file and started going through it while he let those words process.
His response was not at all what she had been expecting. She watched him as he walked around the bottom of the bed, she didn't know what he was going to do. She trusted him, but it was still concerning to her. She realised there was no question in this, she trusted him.
She knew all too well about what he was saying. Keeping alert, keeping the eyes on the scanner. She had never once put that down to fear. That was survival. Now she was thinking about it, what was survival other than the fear of death.
He pulled the covers back, it was the first time she had seen the extent of the injuries. It made sense why everything was hurting. She was still unsure how many of them had come to be. If she was honest with herself, she was afraid of the answer to that too. He covered her back up with the blanket and she just stayed silent, watching him. Listening closely to what he was saying.
As he sat back down again, she tried to sit up a little in the bed, she inhaled sharply as the pain hit and she changed her mind. She never saw him as the type to be scared, quite the opposite if anything. He had always seemed to have things under control.
She couldn't imagine having to tell the families of the deceased what had happened, it brought up some feelings of guilt from her time as a Rogue. It was a war, in a sense. The difference between the two was the Rogues expected to die, there was never a pilot who left base that knew they would come home every day. It was a different story for the rest.
As he got angry, she did the best she could to move and rest her hand on his knee. She squeezed it gently, not knowing what to say. She knew sometimes listening was the best thing anyone could do, especially in a situation such as this with no real answers.
She was silent, watching the roof as she thought about the last of what he had said. He was right, she couldn't deny that, but she had come to learn that fear was the enemy. It would take her time to process what he had said, she knew this, but she knew he had a point.
"I don't understand it... But you are right."
Was all she managed to say, still looking at the roof, still making sense of all he had just said. She had noticed him pick up the file and waited for him to finish going through it before she looked back across at him.
" I also don't understand how I got here.... Or what has happened, or what has been done, or needs to be done."
She sounded a little distressed. The fear of the unknown was relatively knew to her, before this she knew she had one thing to do: survive at all costs. Now, however, she was unsure. He had mentioned more surgery, but she didn't know for what.
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Putting on his reading glasses, he read through her file, his right leg crossed over his left. As he read the file, he answered a question.
"How you got here. I am not a tech person but your ship was detected in system, going past cruise and therefore out of control, headed straight for this hospital. No one is totally sure what condition you were in at that point but I cannot imagine it was very good. It did not help that the only way to stop your ship and save this hospital was to destroy it."
He read on the file that her body was oxygen starved when she arrived so he began to deduce. "I am guessing your life support was offline and the even short exposure to the vacuum of space did not help. You were defibbed and resuscitated upon arrival."
He read some more. "Numerous broken bones, internal injuries, heavy blood loss and another resuscitation on the table."
He looked over and smiled at her, "You are indeed one tough cookie. That tough, Rogue life style must have helped some."
He took another glimpse of the file before putting it back in its holder. "I am not the surgeon in charge for you but I am guessing he may want to address further internal injuries but.....how things heal will determine that. You lost a lot of blood so rest is your best option for now."
He looked back at her. It was obvious that he was lost in thought with the light smile on his face.
She listened to him explaining what he could about her situation. She hadn't realized she was on a collision course with the hospital. Hearing they had destroyed her ship, she wasn't quite sure how to feel. She had nothing else, and she didn't have the credits to replace it.
"it was only a greyhound. I... when they attacked... I'm surprised the ship held together as long as it did."
She nodded slightly, the oxygen. She remembered that was the new alarm. She remembered the feeling of resigning herself to death. The feeling of hopelessness, and having nothing left to fight for.
"The life support had been causing me trouble for quite some time.... I hadn't been able to get it repaired.... But I never expected that to be a problem"
The more he spoke, the more she realised she was lucky to be alive. Even the injuries from the fight wouldn't have been manageable for her. She was surprised to hear that they had indeed resuscitated her twice, again she was thankful it was here she had stumbled across. Anyone else may have left the assumed Rogue to die. As he explained why she may need further surgery, she relaxed a little, it wasn't necessarily a life or death situation. His comment about the rogue lifestyle wasn't wrong, but it was something that she wouldnt admit.
"I wouldn't give the Rogues credit for anything, least of all my survival. They want me dead, and they were offering good money for it. I deserted them and their cause, I am nothing but a traitor. It is never easy to just leave them. The traitor and whoever is hiding them is fair game. If I had died at this hospital.... There is every chance you would have been greatly rewarded....
It wasn't the Rogues, what kept me going was.... What kept me going was the thought that you were still out there, safe. I.... I kept the ring, it was the one thing I refused to sell. It was the only physical thing I had left from you."
She fell silent and looked across at him. Knowing she had said more than she probably should have, but also nervous for her reaction about the Rogues signing her death warrant. She didn't think he would hand her over, she was almost certain of that. She could see he was lost in thought.
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Most of what she had said about her ship went right by him. Doc's knowledge of a ship's system is whether or not it worked.
"Traitor or not, the Rogue lifestyle has made you resilient," he explained. "What it has not done was taken your softer side from you. I saw that on Erie."
He sat back, his fingers again finding her hair. "No one knows that you are here save those who work here and none of them will be talking."
He again started in thought. "You wanted to change your lifestyle, to get into law. I said back then that I would help you with that and the offer stands. Yes it is possible. Once you get through all of this, once you get well, I can help you in ways you would not dream possible. The thing is, are you willing to go through it?"
She managed a slight shrug. She knew he was right, she was resilient. For a moment she wondered what her life would have been if she had stayed on the right side of the law. Brushing the thought off, she knew there was no point in worrying about the 'what ifs' in life.
She had made a point in not losing who she was. It would have been easy to with the life she had. While she made a point to never harm anyone she didn't have to, she still had. She had become good at hiding the softness - it had become a necessity.
"I.... I try to be true to who I am, I always have."
She stopped again as he started playing with her hair again. It silenced her thoughts, every time. She was calm, a feeling that had become foreign to her. After a moment had passed, she realised she had forgotten about his offer to help her with school. She bit her lip. She had wanted to do that for such a long time, but her wants hadn't been a priority the last few years.
"I have been trying to change my path for a long time, John. You know this better than anyone. I could have let them get me, and believe me, I thought about it. Being dead would have been... I didn't because I know what is worth fighting for, and while there is a chance, the change is worth the battle.
But why. After all of this time, after what I've done.. Why would you still help me. "
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He felt as if he was overwhelming her. Between everything she had been through getting to Baffin, getting her ship blasted from around her and a lengthy surgery, she needed rest. So, Doc dialed it back a bit.
"Listen, Dahlin, you have been through a lot in a short time. Let us do this one step at a time. I want you to rest up and heal first. The more you sleep, the more your body heals."
The fingers running through her hair became an open hand on her forehead which ran down her scalp and hair.
"No one is going to get you here so you have all the time you need." He then smiled, "I will never be further away than my office."
Doc himself was tired. He had a long trip getting back. " I too need rest."
He leaned over and kissed her on the forehead and whispered, "I still help you because I still care."
He then headed for the door.
Again, she knew he was right. And it wasnt just the recent events either. Being on edge for so long, the numerous fights and close calls, and the restless nights- she was exhausted. After finally being somewhere she knew she was safe, she had realised just how tired she was. She knew nothing about medical, so she could only trust in the advise he was giving her.
She wanted to sleep, but even knowing she was not going to be harmed here, she couldn't quite let her guard down enough to relax enough to settle properly, after years of running, it would take her some time. Despite it being a hospital, she was worried more for him than she was for herself even though there was no need to be.
She couldn't help but smile as he kissed her forehead, even more so when he made it known to her that he still cared. As he stood and headed to the door, her smile was quickly replaced by a slight frown. She didn't want him to leave, but she knew he had to, he needed rest. She stayed silent as she recalled their first night together on Erie, how they fell asleep watching the stars.
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And tired he was. The Scotch he poured before bed was still untouched the next morning on the same spot he had left it the night before with the open bottle still next to it. Although refreshed, his morning was busy. Reviewing files, daily meetings and the chief resident's report kept him through lunch. He was headed to Ashley's room when he got paged for an emergency surgery which kept him through dinner so by the time he would arrive at her room that evening, he was again tired but not near as bad as he was the night before. He just took a seat beside her, quietly not to disturb her.
The report on her was good. Her vitals were stabilizing as her body was again producing proper levels of blood. Her bandages were changed by a nurse just before his arrival so they were fresh. Her wounds still had much healing to be done but were improving.
"Can I get you anything, Doctor?" asked the attending nurse. "Coffee, black, if you would please," he replied with a smile. Looking at the stirring Ashley, he added, "Make it two." She returned a few minutes later with the coffees and left.
Doc enjoyed that first sip as he went through paperwork.