Gentleman, the situation is grave. Tonight, at 22.00 GMT word reached me that the Core suffered major losses whilst on a mission in Minor. I have been told they were after a certain person of great importance within the Order. The Core failed to complete their mission. Why? Because they suck. That's why. So I have been asked to take on this job with you fine lads. We will succeed where the Core failed. We always do.
So, shut your cakeholes and listen up, the briefing starts now.
Our objective is to snatch the Isis' window washer. Intel suggests he goes by the name 'Bob'. Our spies tell us that he is often found outside the Isis, cleaning the windows. One of the Core lads, Malachite, managed to get Bob's working schedule by torturing Bib, Bob's sister after Malachite captured her. I heard they are now going out. But that is beside the point.
We now know that Bob will be outside the Isis washing its bridge windows on coming saturday from 19.00-20.00 GMT. This is the time to strike. We will infiltrate fast and hard and- 'Boom, stop that moronic laughing! it wasn't that suggestive you tosser!'
As I was saying, we will enter minor via Alaska, proceed to the Isis at high speed and snatch Bob before the Order knows what hit them. With some luck, the Isis guncrew can't even aim properly because the sooner we snatch Bob, the filthier the Isis' windows will still be.
Ok, here are the plans. 'Bang, stop doodling on my maps you bloody idiot!'
We insert via Alaska and head south east. Around D5, we will turn to East and attack the Isis head on. We catch the Order with their pants down and windows dirty.
Take a look at the situation:
As you lot can see, we will be very close to the Orderly lot's home planet. Time is of the essence: if we are too slow, Bob will enter the Isis and we fail our mission. Or the Order launches fighters and Gebs and missles and cheap marketing campaigns. Either way, we are boned then.
Our target is this guy. This is Bob on a snapshot the destroyer Ehrgeiz made before she was destroyed:
Ok. here is the final rundown:
Assemble at Norfolk in New York at 19.00 GMT on the 6th of march. Once we are all there, we head into Alaska, then Minor. There, we will attack the Isis, and abduct Bob the window washer. We then extract Bob via Alaska back into New York. There, one of the Guild's Prison liners will take him off our hands. This mission will not take longer than 30 minutes if we do it right.
so:
objective 1: enter Minor undetected objective 2: attack the Isis and snatch Bob objective 3: extract Bob to new York via Alaska.
Don't ask me what the hell old man Graves wants with this bloke, I dunno. But orders are orders. This is a simple snatch & grab. No need to much it up, even for you lot this should be a cakewalk eh?
You BHG folk are out of date, apparently. We have windshield wipers on the Isis now, all automated. Good luck finding bob, though, he's only a figment of bib's imagination used to get in the sack with Malachite.
Right gents. currently I am so pissed off that I could fill 20 toilet bowls hands down.
Let me summarize my griefs, for the simpletons among you.
1: where the frag were you all? I had to drag Bang out from under an icrecream machine and Fwosh was making love to a vacuum cleaner in a closet on Norfolk.
I don't even wanna know what the rest of you were up to...
As it stands, we failed. I just recaived a message from Gabriel Nibelung of the Core. He is the captain of the destroyer Ehrgeiz that went down during the first try to snatch bob. His message reads: 'No, U!'
suffice to say, this displeases me. Now the blooy Core gits are making fun of me. There is a chance for redemption for you lot.
Malachite informed me that he knows when Bob will be back out there again. He, again, tortured Bib. Seems she in into that sort of stuff. Oh well. Bob will be out there tomorrow, 6th of march for all you numbskulls, around 14.00 GMT. I meant 7th. first one to laugh gets shot right between the eyes. so shut yer cakeholes.
We met heavy resistance as we came into range. The Order threw everything she had at us. Fwoosh got his sorry arse shot, of course. So Fwoosh, get a new Serpent and try not to explode withing 5 mintes, ok?
Same drill as before gents. Only this time, I want some more people to show up damnit!
All I had now was a moron and a vacuum cleaner humping fool. I want at least an arsewipe and idiot to fill the ranks.
Have a sit down. or a lie down, in Poof's case. First sortie and already slotted. You have potential mate.
Down to bussiness at hand.
The mission was a succes this time around. We sneaked into Alaska unseen and- oh wait. We were spotted after 30 seconds. Hell with it. We gunned it with no alternative to us. It was now or never. Even the Order catches on after 2 times.
We entered Minor and assaulted the Isis. Bob was indeed outside, like our intel suggested. They were on alert: Bob was allready floating towards Toledo when we came in range. No matter, we snatched him up real good. He wasn't even done soaping the Isis' windows yet.
After that we extracted succesfully back to New York via Alaska. No wait, we were spotted again. Some trigger happy git in a cruiser started blasting us. No matter, apart from Poof, we all got away.
Then we retreated to Houston unseen.
No wait. We were spotted AGAIN. Some rude libertonian threatening took place. No worries.
We headed for Houston and I have just dropped off Bob to the prison Liner. I'm sure the Guild will be pleased.
We are now here, in a sleazy go go bar, celebrating our succes.
Our stealth may need work, but our awesomeness is beyond measure.
Cheers for a job crappilly done gents. I'm sure Graves will be pleased, after he and Hale are done screaming at each other like pregnant pinguins.
Bang want icecream. Crash tell Bang Bob has icecream. Bob has no icecream. Bang sad.
Bang ask navy men for icecream. No icecream. Navy men not earn enough for buy icecream ?
Admiral navy man also no icecream. Bang go make icecream machine for admiral navy man. Admiral navy man stop angry yell if admiral navy man has icecream machine for b'day present ? When admiral navy man birthday so Bang finish icecream machine in time ?
Bang now go eat cowboy icecream on planet Houston.