The No Buns, No Cabbages Reports

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THE NO BUNS, NO CABBAGES REPORTS




[color=#FFCC33]A TEMPORARY AUTONOMOUS PUBLICATION









Editor in chief: Gypsie 'the Scoop' Skripto Naidrdocsid

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[color=#FFCC33]Freeport 11 removes No Firing Zone
[color=#FFCC33]What does this mean for the Zoner Community?

Honorable Administrator Marvin James Orphelia decided on May said "Untill further notice, Freeport 11's NFZ operates under my old First Decree, in which the NFZ is set at 2k."

He is not a pioneer, since other zoner stations seem to share the same view, like Freeport 9. I have been to every Freeport and there is just something you feel when you are in there, you belong to a net, based on freedom instead of power. But when you see that net dying, dude, that hurts for Eris' sake.

I do not blame no one, because we all sort of saw this coming. Zoners are tearing apart, no news. Until Verwirrung comes, no one will know for sure.

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[color=#FFCC33]SNIPPETS!

TAZ get Embassy Office at Volgograd

Freeport 1 reinforces defenses and is now run by a council

Freeport 2 suffers damage after 'Battle of Westfalen' events

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[color=#FFCC33]Interview with Malaclypse the Third, Episkopos Prime of The Church of Eris Esoteric, Polyfather in Virginity of Gold, our dear chaman, 'Mal'.

The man now known as Gypsie Skripto (that's me) left Shasta Skyhook thinking how good went last day's balance, that new apartment he got with views to the Goddess, where he could type his works while glancing at the beauty of eternity... That nice redhead who recieved him in the Department of Comparative Realities, who had accepted him on a date for the weekend... And now, the big show. The moment of his life. I would, after being accepted into the TOEE, interview recently re-appeared Malaclypse, the Episkopos Prime of the Goddess Eris and her Church in Sirius, himself, at no other place than the Kiva, at Pueblo Bonito. Hail Eris! Hail Discordia!

The ship he chose was really good too. A brand new Conference Series Zoner Gunboat. They said that if I only was moving around Sirius, it was the best choice. Safe/economy mundungus. The compatibility of the navigation log with my pineal was more than acceptable luckily, and it looked dang good. It didnt take much for me to arrive to the Erisian Sanctuary located on an odd, high orbit, above The Barrier.

The man now known as Gypsie Skripto (that's me again) entered the corridor of the station, seeking thy holy ladder. His eyes were rapidly absorbing all the information that Pueblo offers at first glance. He was amused with everything he saw. But he didn't want to make the Episkopos impatient, so he forgot about the looks of the place for a moment and focused his pineal into the search for the ladder. After a hard headache and some too many teardrops from pressing the eyes too much, he managed to grab to the ladder and started climbing.

As he entered the room he thought it resembled a mother's womb, and felt the introspective ambient. It would do just fine for the job. He soon recognized the man playing with the fire as the Malaclypse he once briefly met, but always remembered. He couldnt help but feel moved and in a stupid voice he said:

[color=#FFCC33]GP: Excuse me Sir, but I think there must be a misunderstanding, I am pretty sure I was the one who reserved this room.
Kallisti, Mal!

M3: Well now, if it isn't our new Acolyte and resident muckraker, Brother Skripto! Pull up a bench, sir. You seem to know me, sir, but we will put aside that mystery for the nonce. Begin your interview, Acolyte Skripto. Would you like a straw for your beer?

GP: Straws? Ye ill have three or five thanks. (Malaclypse extends his hand and one single straw appears suddenly from each of his fingers, he smiles)
Much time has passed since good old Lightfoot was delivered with the message of Godess. What can you tell us about the change from the person you where back then, to the Episkopos Prime you then became?
And what about the Malaclypse you are today? Have you regained some of your "lightfoot" character or are you more discordian than ever?
Also, what about the Erisian Liberation Front? Compared to TAZ, and according to what I dug up, they seemed quite more "outlawish". Is this because you changed your means or did you change your objectives?

M3: 'Lightfoot', as I recall, was rather a coarse fellow, somewhat reclusive and independent, with a tendency towards hedonistic self-indulgence and a narrow view of the world and humanity.
Hopefully over time, I've become a bit less rough, and have broadened my perspectives. We are all 'works in progress', and I consider myself fortunate to have had the same 'Employer' through various incarnations of what has now become the Temporary Autonomous Zoners.
When 'we', the Goddess and I, first got into the business of balancing the Chao, She had taken a look at the 'ledger', and sensed that the Hodge was winning, in the form of stricter House governments, larger militaries, and a lack of decent 'disorderlies' to balance the equation. Oh, there were strong Corsair and Outcast groups, but they were busy balancing their own particular Chao.
Why Eris picked the Lane Hackers for our chosen banner escapes me now; but we roamed where we could, 'throwing pies', and sundry monkey wrenches at the forces of Hodge. I believe we managed to take out some of the wobble, at least.
We also gave the Sector a sense of humor, and new things to think about; but 'pirating' back then was not the business it is today, lad. We tightened our belts, and even had 'Frankless Fridays'.
I think my first Pineal meltdown happened somewhere around there.. the time of the ELF's 'diaspora', going our separate ways as Epopts and missionaries to the various Houses and factions of Sirius, both Hodge and Podge.
Well, Eris is a sharp cookie, Acolyte Skripto. It didn't take her long to discover who the 'real' power in the Sector was. the people who could make and shake, and act behind the scenes while remaining in plain site.
From that point forward, Eris and her Followers have adopted the Zoner way. The Veranda Gang, the Free State of Fernando Poo, and finally, the TAZ.
Yes, Gypsie, I believe I have changed. I believe the Church has changed and evolved. I believe that though we must 'stick apart', we do not exist and evolve in a vacuum. Perceptions, and Realities, are created by consensus, not by individuals. I have been blessed by the people I have met, and 'shared' realities with. And, of course, there's always that snarky Voice barging in with Her opinion...
There will always be Chaos. It is the fabric of the Universe. 'Indra's Net'. What we choose to weave into the fabric of that net determines who we are.

GP: Well Mal, you say you have been blessed by the people you have met, and that leads me to another question I wanted to ask.
Are you aware of how crucial were Goddess' plans for Reg Waverly in your own life story? His search for you was at times frustrating, at times exhausting, yet he never gave up FNORD. How farther than you thought you could take it has Discordianism gone thanks to the help you have recieved from your fellow cabbages? Even false cabbages.
Also, how much do you weight Mal?

M3: One Hundred seventy five, soaking wet.
Reginald Asmodeus Waverly wasn't called by Eris. Reggie, or 'Daddy Warbucks', as he was known when I met him on Curacao, didn't have a clue about Discordianism. His calling was business, plain and simple, and he was damn good at it!
Pops' Warbucks was working for IND when we met, plying the lanes in a garish Luxury Liner. He fancied himself part 'Warbucks', a legendary Terran billionaire, and part 'Mark Twain', a riverboat gambler and homespun philosopher. It was immediately apparent that the man was shrewd, astute, and could smell a good business deal from a parsec away. So, I approached him, not with converting him in mind, but with a business 'question'.
At the time, I was dabbling in some hydroponics on Curacao, attempting to grow what later would be known as 'Kallisti Gold', the sacrament of Eris and her followers. You see, that old Cryer nonsense that 'not a single seed' survived the journey from Sol was just marketing propaganda. Cannabis is a durable weed, Gypsie, and I was able to find not only Indica seeds, but some Sativa as well. Seeds I had, but hydroponic growing took a long while, and the crop lacked potency, for some reason.
At first, Reggie was put off by the fact that there was no market in the Sector. I patiently explained that I didn't intend to market the 'drug', and that it would be used solely in Discordian rituals and meditation. I almost lost him at that point, but after another 'umbrella' drink at the Curacao Sheraton, I could sense the wheels turning in that entrepeneural brain of his.
Reggie had recently become fond of visiting a planet in the Omega 49 system. The planet was sparsely populated by Zoners and a few Corsairs at the time.. oh.. and some Coalition lads who were still valiantly trying to get revenge for being dumped on by the Alliance.. but I digress..
Gran Canaria was extremely fertile, most of it bathed 18 hours a day or more by its' hot twin suns. Reggie suggested that it might be an ideal spot for growing our sacrament; but also mentioned other 'cash crops' that the Sector would welcome.. tobacco, coffee beans, even juniper berries to put the tang back in the nasty beverage purporting to be 'gin' at posh bars.
After a few more hours, and lots of umbrellas, we had shaken hands on a partnership. I would purchase a few thousand acres on Gran Canaria, and Reggie would oversee the 'plantation'. He would also provide the means to move the current hydroponics operation from Cortez to 49.
Reg kept his job with IND for another year, helping to nurse the plantation through the first growing season. Meanwhile, he chartered 'Waverly LLC', 'Laughing Goddess Bakeries', (at the time, we were still throwing a lot of pies for Eris), and built what was to become 'Veranda Incognita', the base of operations for ELF, and its' later incarnations. Reg began studying the Holy Tome, and converted to Discordianism.
So, in an appleseed, Reggie 'Warbucks' Waverly was responsible in large part for giving the ELF the financial backing to expand and evolve. Discordianism had a home, and I had made a lifelong friend.

(Then John Henry 'Doc' Holliday entered the room and they diverted from the interview for a while)

GP: Would you expand on what you said once - He reads some notes - " The Golden Apple of Eris is merely a metaphor. A focal point. An object of adoration and meditation. It gives the Mind and Soul an anchoring port while sailing the stormy seas of Illumination", what do you refer as "anchor"?

M3: Ah, that's an easy one, Gyp.
There are generally two types of 'meditation'. One method is to clear the mind completely of all images, thoughts, and 'noise'. That would be the Buddhist approach...
More 'esoteric' Mystery Schools tend to use the 'adoration' method, focusing on some sacred object or another.
Both methods attune the mind, and serve the purpose. I prefer the latter, because I have a very hard time quieting all the 'monkey chatter' to reach a state of of total emptiness."
Speaking of emptiness, it's time to get rid of this rental swill and water the flowers. Somebody spot me on this bloody ladder, eh? Next project will be an elevator!

GP: You seem to care a lot about your sanctuary. I'm glad I was invited to know this place.
Word spreads among zoners about your supposedly solved whereabouts during your absence, but tell us oh please tell us! Where were you? Or when were you? Or why were you? Or who where you? Or what the bleep does it mean anyways? He then slips a paper into Mal's hands which reads "You must answer to all five questions or to a multiple of 5 fnord.
Oh, I also wanted you to answer this one. It is something I've always wanted to know. Where is 42 located in thy eristic numerological heriarchy?

M3: Where? That depends on which time, sir. I've left with a 'Pineal Meltdown' five times now, I believe. How's that for synchronicity?
To explain 'where' would require you to understand and believe in the existence of 'alternate realities', I suppose. I do remember some of the 'wheres', along with the 'whos'..
At one time, I recall being an Italian fellow named Sigismundo, just starting a life on an 'alternate' Gran Canaira. At another time, I was a foppish gent named 'Malhuer', raising merde in some Gallic 'Universe next door'. The most bizarre, and in some ways 'real', was my alternate life as a trader and miner named 'Kaihokohoko McIver', in a strange sector of 'alternate' space called 'Minmatar'.
The 'why'? Only Goddess knows, Gypsie. I'm sure Doc can attest to wanting to 'run away' from it all, at times. Goddess can be a harsh Mistress when She wants to be; and sometimes the exit from Chapel Perilous doesn't always dump you out on the same street you entered from..
'When' is rather a meaningless question. Chronological order seems to break apart when you visit the Universe Next Door. Suffice it to say that on each return from these different realities, I found myself back 'here' at approximately the right times to account for my 'absences'.
Is there meaning? Bleeped if I know. The more pertinent question would be 'was it real?' Quantum topology suggests there 'might' be alternate realities, branching off from ours each time we make a decision, or choose a path. Heinlein posited that such places might be created through 'consensus', through a shared belief in favorite stories or 'heroes'. He dubbed this phenomenon 'Multiperson Pantheistic Solipsism'.
Or maybe I just had too much of our beloved 'Santa Maria', the night before... who knows?
Whatever the case, it does tend to give credence to my favorite quote from the Prophet Wilson:
"Reality is indeed what you can get away with."
And the number '42' has meaning only if Heinlein was correct.

GP: What does this man, sitting here, John Henry "Doc" Holliday mean to you and your erisian mission?

M3 :I'm not sure where to begin, Gypsie. Some three years ago, rumors begain to circulate around the Omegas about a certain 'wild west lawman' who had somehow been given a second chance at life.
Being a student of ancient Terran history, I was fascinated by the rumors, and determined to seek out and meet this legendary figure. As fortune would have it, the man turned up in our 'back yard', so to speak, on Gran Canaria. When I first met him, he was an Independent Zoner with a seat on the newly formed Council of Zoners. He still had a taste for cards and drink; but he also seemed curious about Eris and Discordianism.
Our friendship grew quickly, and before long, I was priviledged to initiate John into the Church of Eris. Now, whether it was religion, his 'resurrection', or the love of a good woman, this rough, home-spun gambler cum lawman soon became a master at diplomacy, and earned the title of Ambassador to the TAZ.
John's interest in medicine blossomed on its own, and the entire Sector has benefitted from his contributions as Doctor and owner of two mobile hospitals.
But primarily, John has been there to lead the TAZ as Administrator during my various 'absences'. He has 'kept the Faith' and 'pursued the mission', perhaps even more dilligently than I myself have. And for that very reason, he continues to Administer the TAZ, while I have been directed by Eris to oversee Church matters.
John (speaking to 'Doc'), you and Reggie are my oldest, closest, and dearest friends. Without you both, the Church of Eris would not be what it is today; and the TAZ would be a ship without a rudder. Aces and Eights, sir. Aces and Eights.

GP: Tell me oh Mal! Polyfather of Virginity in Gold, Episkopos Prime of the Goddess Eris and her Church in Sirius, what can you tell us about the balance of Chao, as for today?
And last but not least, Why havent we got special masses every 5th? I want to attend to a discordian mass on the 5ths, can I hold one? Near the geode and then touring thru Hodge n Podge too? Can I? No buns. I promise. Fnord.

M3: Well, friends, we timed it just right, didn't we? Out of suds, the grandfathers cooling, the mist clearing, and hopefully we've all learned something!
Eris lives here, in Baffin. I stake my eternal soul on that belief. She guided me here. She caused me to leave a mooring line deployed, thus discovering the Scrubbies. She prompted me to follow them there (pointing to the Geode below), and to discover the magickal powers focused within it's hollow interior.
We stand at the brink of a new cycle, Popes. We will face new challenges, meet new neighbors, and face new threats to our religious freedoms. The Sacred Chao spins anew, and hopefully, with our help, it will again seek and find the balance it requires.
Gypsie, before we hold any masses for those Discordians who might attend, we need to get the word out about this special place, and about Eris.
We have been regarded as mystics, fanatics, kooks, clowns, recluses, and anarchists by the general public for some time now, and even other Zoners are beginning to believe we're somehow a 'liability' to their precious 'Zoner Way'. We may be all of those things, in fact, but it is time we dispelled the concept of 'no good shytes' associated with those terms.
To that end, Skripto, and with Doc's concurrence, I'd like to appoint you our Chief Publicist, and Editor-in-Chief of whatever Periodical you think will suit our needs.. Daily, weekly, monthly, it's your 'rag'. All I ask is that you do your best to give the Temporary Autonomous Zoners and the Church of Eris Esoteric a more public, more accessible view of who we are and what we do.
History changes, and so do we. It's time Discordians came out of the shadows, Gypsie. I trust your skills can make that happen, sir.


And thus the No Buns, No Cabbages Reports where founded. The end.





BONUS FILE

Kallisti to our sponsors:











Sophie's Gran Canaria Cafe

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