To the Gallic Crown and the Gallic Royal Forces

[Lanakov]

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MARINE ROYALE GAULOISE

Nouveau message vidéo.
Identifiant : Amiral Isabelle Montlaville de Chanteloup
Unité : Etat-major de la Marine Royale Gauloise
Destinataire : The defeated Crayterian rogue state

Sujet : The Kingdom opens its arms

1er avril, 741 A.G.S.
Ile-de-France

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A radiant Montaville appears on the screen. She harbours a very uncharacteristic smile... Well, she's smiling, to start with. But that smile is that of a shark having located a juicy, bleeding and willing prey. She exsudes satisfaction in every possible way.

Men and women of the Crayterian Rogue State,

She talks in a very unfamiliar booming voice, for one usually so reserved. "Thank you for contacting us ! The Marine Royale is delighted to see that the terrorists of Crayter have finally seen the light after being battered with unwavering riguour by our forces. As you lay down your arms, you will get to taste true Gallic culture, and I promise that, never again will you regret your tiny, primitive hovels. Imagine it : baths ! Hot food ! Electricity ! You have chosen the path of civilisation, elevation and prosperity. I know it to be hard decision, knowing as I do that the Crayterian decision-making is traditionally limited to picking either carrots or turnips for their sole meal of the day.

I hereby accept to cease all hostilities with the Crayterian peasantry and will send my report and recommendations to the Kingdom right as I close this transmission. Be assured that you will be treated with utmost dignity and finally given a chance to do something usef- What is it ?!" She snapped that last part like a dog's jaw would snap around a bone. An Ensign just walked hurriedly to her and whispered something inaudible to her ear, very quickly. Initially furious, her face went to a livid white as she checked the date on her PDA. Then the fury returned, her cheeks hot-red with ignominy, her face contorted in primal, bloody-minded rage. She dismissed the ensign in a flash of the hand and, barely keeping a dignified, calm composure, picked the PDA and threw it at the transmission recorder.

Unsurprisingly, the transmission shut down.

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Feedback, insults, marriage proposals and declarations of fealty

If everyone was a bit more like Lanakov, the entire world would be more positive. Including pregnancy tests.