NEURAL NET LOG VIEWER
Copyright Ageira Technologies 404 AS. All Rights Reserved.
NN LOG FOR: PALE BRIDE (EXCEPTION AT 0x391481CE - BAD_NNGUID_RESULT!)
Log Number 004
Date/Time: April 26th, 825 AS | 00:40 Universal Time
Location: Ismara, Planet Elgin
Subject: None
So Seline decided to sign us up to Join Auxesia without even asking me or warning me about it. All I know is that I recieved a message telling me that it happened from someone within Aux's ranks and that a Marlin was waiting for me at Freeport 11.
... I feel like my opinion doesn't matter. I feel.. like I don't matter. I'm questioning whether or not I should continue being with Mark and the Harpies or if I should just cast them away and go home. I feel torn. I've never felt like this before. Mark said that Auxesian operatives have some semblance of freedom of movement, but I don't feel that. I feel chained to whatever Seline thinks is best for us as a whole - and Auxesia be damned, I don't feel like I belong here. I mean.. Auxesia are good people. They want what's best for Mankind, something I agree on, my sister and Hanamura included, it's just that I'm the odd one out in all this. I don't feel like I belong with them.
Honya is happy for me, but Hanamura is melancholic about it. She said something along the lines of "Everyone will leave me sooner or later" to herself. I guess she feels just like I do.. that or she feels like she's being left all alone while she searches for that Vertiga guy. I feel awful for leaving her. I feel awful for not having a backbone and telling Seline off for not considering my feelings or hers. Hell, I have half a mind to march my way straight into Naxos and hand over my credentials and ID to Hunt personally and go home.
But that means leaving Mark behind. My heart would break. I wouldn't have much reason to live. Sure, there's beating Golanski with a bat until he bleeds to death, but after that, what purpose do I serve? Why do I live?
Why do I even bother?
When people speak about how great it is to be alive.. I don't see that anymore. I feel pain, sadness.. I lack the will to continue living. It's just I don't have the will to end it.
I should be happy, some would say. "You've got the job of a lifetime - you get to be working with one of the finest organizations in Sirius, and you're depressed?" It's not that I'm working with Auxesia. It's just that..
I feel like I don't matter anymore.
I just.. I just can't admit it to them. To Mark.. To the others.. to the Auxesians. I can't admit that I feel like I was dragged into this, rather than it being something I agreed on.
And it hurts. It hurts like nothing else I have felt before - the feeling of irrelevance to all who you thought hold you dear.