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Log Number 006
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Subject: A Child
.. Curator Firmitas called me to some ship out in the Crow Nebula, the Temple of Auge... We talked.
Hanamura told him about what I had said about him. About the others.
I never cried that much before.. in front of a man I barely know.
But.. I feel like a weight has been lifted off me. He said that I could be transferred to the Harpies after graduation, regardless of my results, as long as I passed.
I was wrong about what I said. They do care.
However.. I've been thinking about the long term. I don't want to have a future here, to be honest. Yes, Auxesia has the harpies as near Autnomous, yes, I'll be able to join them. But I.. well.. I just don't feel like I belong here. And I don't think I ever will, even if I do stop being a 'child' mentally. A place like Auxesia is somewhere Honya or Nodoka or even Alexei would belong. Not someone like me. I never was the professional type. But I don't mind being a 'adopted' child to them. Not anymore. The curator.. he actually was concerned for me. He couldn't pull many strings, but he actually at least tried to sympathise with me.
He has friends.. family. Loved ones. They're not the husks I thought they were. They really are human behind the masks.
But.. if it means being with Mark. I'll try to stick around for as long as I can. I'll pass my initiation and be with him again. But.. I don't feel like I can stay under the covenant's flag. At least, not for life, like most of the people around me. Like Firmitas said - I have the ability to leave. They all don't. I should be thankful I have that ability.
Hanamura mentioned to me tonight that.. well, she has plans for the Harpies. She wants me to meet with her and the others sometime next month. She also said Mark did this because we needed support.. did he ever consider opening up the ranks? If we needed support, get more manpower - we've got Hanamura who has her get rich quick schemes that work swimmingly with that damn Whale of hers.. It's too late for that, so never mind. Besides. Thinking on the past will have me back in the rut I was in.
Speaking of the Whale.. I haven't heard from Mercury. I hope she's doing okay. Also, IRG hasn't phoned back about those bodies for Cass and Mercury. Something tells me IRG's more occupied than usual. Tell you the truth, that has me down, but that aside.
I do have to thank them, though. Auxesia, I mean. This is a learning opportunity. A chance to improve myself. At least I have Firmitas and not that Kovic guy Hanamura said she'd send me to that night before we headed to Ismara for the first time.
Y'know.. I wish I could go back and relive that moment. It was genuinely one of the best times of my life. I got to enjoy myself, had fun.. met amazing people.
I have to learn to love this adopted family I'm in. Because god knowing, I'm stuck here for the forseeable future. There's no use in drowning in suicidally ideated self-pity.