Feedback Thread

[Orin]

Chapter One:

It seems pretty good. Easy to read, but there's some sentence structure issues in places, places where commas should be used to connect thoughts, and some other things.


"The coalition that were left still fighting the things that attacked the
sun destroying everything just minutes before."

"I also found it funny that we just so happen to
built this ship just for the same reason that the purple thing had.
To destroy life."

Both of those excerpts sound off, rework them.

"The ship has a section in the bottom parts of the ship that allow
us to grow plant life and food. That is what he was rambling about."

Perhaps somthing more like "The ship has a lower section dedicated to hydroponics, which was what the man was talking about." What you have sounds rushed.

"Which sent a slight shiver down my spine as everyone, including
the old man. Stopped talking."

No need for a period there, a comma.

"I stood up and started to walk out of the lounge. Toward the bridge
of the ship. The bridge is basically the command center just shortened
down to one word, made life easier for me I guess."

Again, commas, but really, this part doesn't seem needed. I think everyone knows what a bridge is.:)

"She handed me a infocard with lots of data on it.

"We found it sir."

She said with a small grin."

No need to seperate here. "She handed me a infocard with lots of data on it, "We found it sir." She said with a small grin."

"From what we can tell
we weren't detected."

Tense is off, you have this story told in the first person, past tense, yet this sentence and possibly others are in present tense.


Read over the whole story again and see what you can find. It's not bad, however.