The reason I'm contacting you is because I want you to stop living in denial, to stop living under the communist lies about how everything's dandy and how the red will never be dead. In fact your superiors are lying about the might of communism, because on the inside we are all blood, that's hard to clean, once it makes a stain (I know, 'cause I used to be a janitor), and bones.
But back on the topic, you said the oh great and mighty Havana never got shot down in your sovereign space, perhaps another lie fed by your commissars? But considering those pretty shots already earned me more then enough, I bet it won't harm to share them with you two as well, just to change your mind on the subject.
To: [color=#FFFFFF]The love sick puppy Comm. ID:Commissar Leon Mendel Priority:HIGH Subject:Take a hint, when a woman says no it's usually because your yellow teeth put her off
---Communications Opened---
Hello Honey,
Nice of you to drop me a little love note, didn't know you cared. Why, were you a hundred pounds lighter, and perhaps applied a little clearasil... not to mention a little bob and tuck operation, why I might almost take you up on your little "Date."
We could stroll around the gulag, where the countless corsair prisoners of war are currently crafting the latest series of Coalition Liscence plates, wearing a colour synonomous with Corsairs and Criminals the universe over, Orange... Why I am sure we could stop into a little boutique, Chez Troll, and have you outfitted with a set... I hear your parents were wearing similar when they were carted off to be gobbled up by their tyrannical Elder overlords.
Once we were done, we might go take in a movie or two at the Patriot's theatre, I hear they have a great one which shows the Havana taking down the OCV-Midas, the Tarantula, and a pair of Legates while under the Command of then Captain Alvarez, I think the film title was 'The Coalition's Greatest Hits, volume X'.
Of course no date would be complete without a rousing game of shoot the fascist, where you'd get to pit your wits against one of our best firing squads, armed only with a blindfold and a cigarette. Why, so many of your compatriots have literally lost their heads for that game.
Also, I'd like to thank you, pumpkin, for the wonderful photographs of the Havana. I am sure her new Captain would love to see what the pride of the Coalition Navy, hand crafted by Corsair shipwrights, lovingly shined and polished and turned back on them, means to you Corsairs. That unending shame, and sense of loss... that's right, the little bit of shame your entire race carries with you over the whole Valesco/Costello affair, yeah you know the one that gets you right above that rather fatty bit in your stomach that will soon become a sausage on Elder Espi's plate when the old Queen's found you were covorting with the enemy and making googly eyes at me.
Why the Captain would almost be flattered that it took so many of your best bombers so long to actually accomplish that task. But then, I have heard that the Black Sails were slipping, guess I see why now you're looking to marry and get a Coalition Visa, don't worry, you're more than welcome to come join your fellow corsairs who have seen the light and joined the glorious revolution.
Oh did I mention, I'd even pick up the check... now at the end of the night, I really wouldn't want you putting out. That would be presumptuous. I'd expect to have to buy you at least another meal, after all, it's not as if you'd ever eat as well back on Crete as you would on a dinner-date in the Coalition.
Dear, Commissar with a big red cape and a huge handgun to shoot deserters,
I think you got things wrong here, even if I'm flattered you're offering me such a date. I'm not a Corsair, not a starving pilot trying to eat your commies, just because communism tastes funny. So seeing the orange jacket prisoners you're using to build your glorious empire on doesn't really concern me. It's their fault for getting caught, no? Though question is, does that mean your glorious communism is build on Corsair labourers? I sure hope you're not relying on them, just because most of your local population gets executed when asking "But what if I can afford buying things?"
But let's talk more on your ideal date, "pumpkin". The movie would no wonder be interesting, kind of reminds me of the conquests of Venny and Grace, though in a communistic theme, am I right? Oh right, you probably don't know them, shame every capitalistic import is to be burned on sight out of fear for your glorious communistic regime. And indeed, your captain should be flattered he let this -glorious- ship die in the hands of 2 savages in bombers and 3 mercenaries in fighters. Such a great deed indeed, perhaps you can film it as the sequel to the "Commie Greatest Hits X", I'm sure it will be as glorious as the other movies?
As for the after dinner games? Well that game sounds interesting. But who's gonna clean up the mess afterwards? I always imagined my insides to be slippery and stainy. Then again, you commies are in love with the color red so you probably don't really care, am I right? Either way rest assured the Havana died in the name of the "greater good", in the name of my paycheck. No wait, that doesn't really make you feel better, does it?
To: [color=#FFFFFF]The love sick puppy Comm. ID:Commissar Leon Mendel Priority:HIGH Subject:Take a hint, when a woman says no it's usually because your yellow teeth put her off
---Communications Opened---
Hello Honey,
I got you some chocolates, you seem to be fond of selling yourself so I thought a bag of chocolate gold coins will get your cheeks parted faster than a boy's at a Bretonian prep school.
So you and your horde of capitalist avengers, numbering what, five? Managed to best the Havana after what, fighting across two systems? Were you drinking? Couldn't aim straight, or were you firing blanks? I mean, a couple of my pilots can bring down a lone Osiris in five minutes... it took five of you nearly twenty of constant battle, and the Havana still nearly made it to safe port... my my my, were I your employer, I'd be looking for better.
Your impotence aside, pumpkin, I must ask... Why the need to flaunt your ineptitude in this channel? I know it took forever for your best pilots to pull down the Havana piloted by a brand new battleship commander. First time in the center seat, my oh my, I think I will go give him a medal now, after all we can only imagine what he's going to do to you once he's fully trained.
Now then, run along back home and count your money, knowing that your only real accomplishment was catching the Havana without Alvarez at the helm, because the next time, I am sure, you will be the one picking up your teeth with broken fingers.
Oh and you really should work on that breath, have a smint.
I sold my soul for credits, your pilots sold theirs to the devil who tells them they won't actually die in vain for something that will never happen. Shame those MILs had to learn that the hard way, when trying to defend your glorious ship. Also, if failing to keep your ship alive is something you'd earn a medal for, I can barely imagine the celebrations that happen when you actually do return victorious.
And yes, indeed it took "forever" for our "best" pilots to catch and destroy the ship. It's really hard work chasing a running capital ship across two systems without even packing a cruise disruptor. Funnily enough, it takes little planning to actually ambush your ships properly, once they actually get out of their hideout system, the all glorious Omega-52. I hope you're all not hiding because you're scared of the Reavers, who also claim on your lovely heads?
But let's rather talk on why even in the deep bowel of your lair, the glorious Omicron Vargas, as it was recently renamed, according to one of the Corsairs who had the pleasure to scrap your Havana, there weren't any proper reinforcements? Were you all busy listening to reruns of Lenin's speeches? Or perhaps singing your anthem? And of course the other thing that kept me wondering, the lovely miss Olga, where did she go? I sure hope you didn't execute her after finding out she led us to two of your installations in her attempts to desert the battle on the home front. I'm not too good with history, but I'm sure such acts were rewarded with death. What happened to the all great "If you will not serve me in battle, you will serve on the firing line"? It was the only thing that made commissars like you something the soldiers fear.
Or maybe they don't even fear you at all? Seeing that nice suit, I wonder if they think to themselves if you really have what it takes to stare at the enemies as they get closer and closer, ready to impale you in the rain of plasma fire? Or maybe they know you're one of those cowards that hides under the office desk?
To: [color=#FFFFFF]The love sick puppy Comm. ID:Commissar Leon Mendel Priority:HIGH Subject:Take a hint, when a woman says no it's usually because your yellow teeth put her off
---Communications Opened---
Hello Honey,
You're upset that a group of trainee pilots, and an inexperienced battleship Captain didn't give you more of a fight. Oh didums, sweetie, I am sure we can muster more of a care next time... Or was it, perhaps the fact that you simply weren't all that important for our best to roll out in parade formation for you to shoot at will.
As for 'Omicron Vargas' I kind of like that, I think I will rename the toilet at the Klash that in memory of your glorious invasion that accomplished some where between Jack and Diddley.
As for medals and Olga, each come in their own sweet time. And I assure you, you will see neither do so for you. I mean, if your one great claim to fame is picking on trainees, and impotently delivering a lack-luster performance, well... says much about your prowess in the cockpit and out.
But, I mean, if you really must gloat...
well done /Clapping/ Bravo, why we should just surrender the whole revolution to you right now, I mean, obviously your ego alone has bested us.
Do you feel better now? Or do you need to go and spoon with your Corsair masters, and get them to validate your 'for-hire' existance with a tip at the end of the night, left on the night stand after they're done using you.
Interesting tactic, Commissar, letting a battleship class vessel burn to ashes just because it's assaulters weren't important enough. Perhaps we should find a group of similarly unimportant people to kill your premier if you protect your valuable assets that way? Best wouldn't need to be bothered to get there and save their great hero, just because the attackers aren't important, am I right?
Then again, considering how insignificant we are, maybe next time we should kill your vessels over 3 systems, just knowing you -just- can't be bothered with us, because we're unimportant. Is there a medal for longest flight of a wrecked capital ship, before it gets smashed to pieces? Maybe your next captain can get that medal.
As for my performance, "lack-lustering" as it was, it was all we needed to put down your glorious ship. Speaks much that we don't even need skill to kill a commie. I guess you are laying low on the tough training programs as well as the dread? Maybe nowadays you reward your soldiers with purple fluffy bears whenever they screw up? No... Probably not, they surely must be -red-!
And spooning, Commissar? Really? Are you by some chance speaking of experience, when you were just a little recruit and the tough and grumpy old Commissar invited you to his quarters? Do tell if it really was that amazing for you?
To: [color=#FFFFFF]The love sick puppy Comm. ID:Commissar Leon Mendel Priority:HIGH Subject:Take a hint, when a woman says no it's usually because your yellow teeth put her off
---Communications Opened---
Hello Honey,
Burnt to ashes, hmm? Seems quite intact to me, a few little score marks, a few dents, but it will take a great deal more than your fervent prayers for the great God almighty to burn up the Havana.
Now as for your lack-lustering, I can recommend you take your pitiful reward money and invest it wisely, perhaps in a retirement home, somewhere in the country, well away from the roasting pits on Crete. A place I am sure you are having nightmares about, after all you keep mentioning ashes. Because the wonderful thing with training, Pumpkin, is that those you beat are hungry now, they are working tirelessly to be ready for you the next time. You, however, are stalled at a rather pathetic antithesis of skill... a virtual paragon of uselessness that they will gladly exploit. No, best you go and tend to your rose garden and leave the fighting to the real men.
Speaking of real men, you seem to be awfully aroused by the thought of being taken roughly by a Commissar. I mean, your heart is all a flutter when you talk to me, at last you have the attention of the object of your obsession. Admit it, you'd rather be spooning with me after a wet, wild and sweaty night of passion, than the selfish and callous love that the Corsairs have on offer. You know full well I'd offer you satisfaction, and just in case you're wondering. I at least buy you dinner first before asking you to sell yourself. Where as a Corsair will have you for dinner after they're satisfied.
No, no, no, Commissar, you don't need to buy me dinner. Your pilots' wonderful performance ensured I have the credits for many dinners to come. In fact as long as your pilots remain so incompetent I'll be a well fed and happy mercenary that doesn't even need to work hard to get the credits. Unlike your usual Coalition citizens who work all their lives for nothing. But such is life.
Though I still fail to see what's with your obsession about Corsairs, heat and cannibalism. Are you having a rough past with them that you just can't let go of? Did a mean Corsair butcher your family and left you there for the -almighty- premier to save you? But then, you should be looking for revenge, as you claim your pilots are, not standing behind a desk.
But the Coalition is a funny thing, one die for it, believing their death actually matters, while others spend their day behind a desk fantasizing about spooning with the enemy.
To: [color=#FFFFFF]The love sick puppy Comm. ID:Commissar Leon Mendel Priority:HIGH Subject:Take a hint, when a woman says no it's usually because your yellow teeth put her off
---Communications Opened---
Hello Honey,
So I was crunching some numbers yesterday, you know, accounting... 1+1 =... oh right you never got that far in school. Anyway we will use apples.
So on the one hand we have the Havana, a nice plump juicy apple.
On the other hand we have 11 fighters, 3 cruisers, 3 battleships, 2 gunboats, we will call these the shriveled old rotten apples.
Yesterday the Havana was crippeled, one of only two losses in a battle that scored the above mentioned kills.
One battleship and one bomber, for all those.
I'd call that a shrewed investment. Of course, your grade school failed mathematics can't really comprehend such concepts as the Social Credit, and the New Economic Policy. Or the simplest of concepts for the Coalition, that the pursuit of wealth itself is not wrong, it is the exploitation of others to gain that wealth that is the issue.
Now Sweetie, Havana has proved her worth time and time again, for the people. And there, that is where she remains strong. You, however, lack any kind of substance at all, I hope your money is worth it.
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