I found this picture of me today from when I was a kid... all wrinkled up...
[There stain of a tear drop that had mixed with some of the ink.]
[It had smudged some of the writing but is still readable.]
There is no one else to really talk about this... I still didn't manage to make any firneds friends... I don't know why... I think I am a likeable person infact in fact.......
I guess I just decided I am going to just write about my feelings.... I heard that helps so.... hello future me reading this.......
I don't know where to begin but.... One day though i was.... UUUUUUUUUUUUUGHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
[lots of scribbles everywhere]
The picture reminds me of a lot... I don't know if I'm ready to even write it all... I might start trembling again. I should maybe throw it away.... or... I don't know....
Pros to throwing it away:
Wont remind me of things that happened to me.
I look ugly in that one. My hair wasn't right...
I don't wana remember daddy right now....
It's damaged...
Cons to throwing it away
I look soo CUUUUUUUUUUUTE!!!!!
O.K. maybe I'll keep it...
There are always good things I can remember with this......
I'll just hide it for now.
*Note to self: Picture is in the top left pocket in my bag*
.... how do I end this....
xoxo , Katie Woods
P.S. : So I found this cute boy today..... too bad I had to leave him. After a while he became mean. Was I just ugly to him??? What did I do?
It was a fresh new morning when Katie finally woke up. She could smell the fresh air through the windows and a hint of the sent of breakfast present. She could hear someone hustling around in the kitchen down stairs. 'It must be daddy...' she thought to herself and started to look around her room some more.
Her room was a mess. Toys everywhere and cloths lying around. She had turned 8 just two days ago and had a little birthday party at home. She had finally convinced her parents it was a good idea to invite her friends over and promised to help clean as best she could.... but she had not done so yet....
'It can wait...' she thought again. Her mom was probably out at work right now and her daddy will be soon busy with his own work at home. It was the summer now so she liked to watch him do his job... as long as she kept quiet. He could get mad at times....
She sighed. 'What am I going to do now? Maybe... there is cake left over still downstairs to eat! Will dad let me...?'
She grinned to herself. Of coarse he would. It was her birthday anyway! Her cake!
Feeling happy now and giggly, she hoped out of bed in her pajamas still headed to the washroom to brush her teeth. The air smelled of bacon and eggs and definitely she could imagine there would be a nice glass of some cold orange juice waiting for her. Sparky would be there too probably, looking up at the plate with the meat and wagging his tail.
After brushing her teeth she headed down stairs. Her dad saw her just at the corner of his eye.
"Morning, Katie! Breakfast is on the table. I'll come back in a second ok?"
She giggled and ran towards him and hugged him and then watched him go off to the washroom. She went to take her seat at the table where the breakfast was laid out. Sparky wasn't around... odd... She shrugged.
The smell of it was even better as she took her fork and started to eat. She was about to take a bite of her food when the doorbell rang.
Startled, she looked up towards the direction of the door. She heard Sparky start to bark but that was usual of him. He didn't come up running straight though but barked where he was at....
Curious as she was she got up and went to the door. She took a peek outside the peek hole and saw no one was there. She reached for the handle...
"KATIE DON'T!"
It was her father. He had startled her too and she looked back not knowing what to do. She then heard the pounding.
*BOOM BOOM BOOM* "HEY OPEN UP! I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE!" said a masculine voice muffled on the other side of the door.
Katie jumped in surprise and ran back from the door and behind her father and hugging him behind him grabbing onto his legs. "Daddyy............." She said in a scared tone. "Whoo.... what is going on? ... Whaa... whhaa... why do you have a gun!?"
Her father was holding a gun in his hand and was walking slowly towards the door. He pushed her gently aside as if to stay away and she stood next tot he stars and watched. Slowly her father opened the door to look out but didn't seem to expect 2 men storm in, grab him and pin him against the wall. His gun dropped.
Katie stood frozen in shock... and then ran quickly behind a wall and peeked out. What were they doing to daddy??
"Hey so what gives huh? You not smoking anymore?" Said one of them men that was pinning him against the wall. The gun was on the floor now and the other man picked it up. "How inviting you are... trying to scare us with this? We Rogues aren't afraid of you. Now... why are we not getting more requests for cardamine from you, hmm?"
'Cardamine??? Rogues??? She had heard stories of both... but Daddy..... what did you do???'
"I dropped that $8#%. Let me go.... I've given up on it like i told you guys before... I'm done ... I wont tell anyone... I swear..."
"So what are you taking now? Stabaline? You know how we feel about that. Ruins business.... You know what is the price for that is, don't you?"
"Leave my wife out of this!"
"It's too late for that now, buddy. We warned you..."
'MOM!?!?!?' He gasped silently and bit her lip. 'What did they do to mommy!?' What the hell is going on??'
"You're not going to take her anywhere! Or I'll..."
"Or what?"
The man punched him in the face and Katie couldn't take it any longer.
"DAAADDYYY!!!!!!!"
The men both looked at her then. She could see a sly look in one of the man's eyes.
"Would you lookie here... here is a nice one too for the collection to take to Malta... Grab her!"
Katie didn't move an inch as she was stunned in pure shock. All she could do is now look at her dad lunge at them and started to fight. She wanted to help... but she didn't know what to do but scream.
Blood started to run down her father's face as he thought back. She stared at him in shock.'They are hurting daddy!!!!' She panicked inside.
One of the men then broke off and started to come at her. It was the man with the gun and pointed straight at her.
"Lets go, girly. You're with me now...."
Before she could respond, Sparky came out of no where in full charge. Before she could notice he was already between her and the man. The medium sized German Shepperd jumped in the air with its teeth blaring at the attacker.... and then she heard the shot fire.
*BOOM!*
She felt warm liquid on her... and then looked down to see blood on her PJs. She looked around and saw it all around her... and Sparky on the floor in a pool of it...
the blood starting to run more and more outwards as it seeped from the now dead dog. He made no sound.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"KATIE!!!! AHhh..GET OUT OF HE-"
The last thing she saw was her father getting knocked unconscious and collapse in some of his own blood.... the walls dribbling with red... and she turned around and in tears she ran.
"No... She ran away too fast up the stairs for me to really tell... *spit*."
They were in her room.... right in her very room.... and she was curled up underneath the bed as tight as she could and holding her breath, biting her lips not to let out a sound of her crying.
"You think she's any worth anything?"
"Yeah she'd be worth a good penny.... too bad ... Heh... look at this stuff.... " He laughed and walked over to pick up a doll and then break it in his hands and drop it on the floor.
He gasped when she saw it hit the floor. It was her favorit one! And he had ripped all the hair out! ALL of it! She held back all her emotions as much as she could. She knew if she even peeped now she would be found. She watched their feed as the walked around the messy room and open things and look through them until they both seemed to meet together again.
"You know... we should get out of here... no point in sticking around... but they might find evidence of us being here."
"Heh... you think? Don't worry.... they wont find anything."
"What do you mea-..."
"We're gunna burn the place down.... no evidence... make it look like it was the oven that was left running... and the poor house burnt down with it with everything inside...."
"Are you out of you mind!?!?"
"You wanna get caught?"
'NO no no! Burn!? Did they really say that? Burn down our house? Where am I going to live!?' She was holding back a lot of tears, trying to fight it, trying to forget what she was hearing.... and most of all... trying to figure out how to get out.
"Hey at least lets get some of this shit before we book it. Maybe the lady got some jewels or somet'in. Oh yea or some metals. Maybe the Junkers could use them eh? Something to add to their furnaces? Hehee.... Everything we can't use just give it to the Junkers! They'll take care of it!"
"Just hurry... we don't have much time...."
"Rellaaxx.....Oh and hey.... Lets drag that guy to the Junkies too... He might be of some help..." He chuckles and they walk out, messing up the place some more.
She stays in her spot for what seems like forever, listening to them bang and crash everything around the house as they look for things to steal. She is paranoid and scared. They were going to burn down her house!? 'I don't wanna die.... i really really don't wanna die... where is mommy? What happened to daddy? Whats going on???'
She finally heard silence and she relaxed a little... but in the relaxed stated she began to finally cry and sob. 'I'm going to die..... I'm going to dieee....... Whhyyy me!!!!!! I want mommy! I want daddy!!!'
It was then that she smelt the smoke...
'NOOOOO!!!!! This can't be happening! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!!!!'
"Daddy..... DADDYY!!!!"
She didn't hear anyone as she started to crawl out of the bed and start looking around. She smelt the smoke and it was spreading fast in the air and starting to rise up over her head. He coughed a little and covered her eyes, looking to find a way out.
She ran to the stairs and looked down but all she could see was smoke rising up and starting to fill the rooms inside. There was NO WAY she could get out of there! She looked around some more and then ran back to her room... her once safest place she had known... and now it started to be a burning cage.
She looked around trying to figure out a way out... There was a window... maybe she could get out from there! Quickly and hurriedly she jumped up on her bed, still in her PJs and opened the window. Smoke instantly from the draft started to rush out and she could hear sirens in the distance already blazing their horns. Someone must have noticed.... WHY DIDN'T THEY NOTICE SOONER!!??
She looked down and swallowed hard. It was a long way down....
She looked back and gasped as she saw flames behind her....
She started to cry.... and then she jumped......
A bush broke her fall. the leaves cushioned her impact but the branches under poked at her. 'OOWWWww....OWWWWWw that hurts!!!' He screamed and scrambled to try to get out. As she finally managed to undo all of the branches she looked back.....
The picture I have of myself from my childhood was taken by her. I still think she was a great photographer... well for her age even... we were just kids.
She used to say she loved my red-ish hair and wished she had it. She had brown beautiful hair. They waved a little on their own and I remember her getting frustrated by it sometimes. I always though admired it. She wore it long and had it always down. I don’t think I have ever seen her with a ponytail. Even when they got dirty or wet, she wouldn’t do it... I always thought why to myself. I didn’t like my hair so much back then... especially also because of the color reminded me of that day...
We knew each other before though. She used to go to my class. She seemed like a nice girl but I don’t think I ever talked to her... she usually stayed out of the crowd and in her own world. I can kind of tell why now... but also I guess because she was busy in her own thoughts. I guess she saw things differently than most people. Even now Lisa is one of those people I wish I had near again. She was so positive and reassuring at times. She helped me a lot. She was a great friend.
We met on The Day... and she was there looking at what was going on... taking PICTURES of the flames. My flames... My home... or what was left of it. To be fair to her she didn’t know what was going on at the time. She was just caught in the moment... I guess that was one of the things special about her. She looked with different eyes... things that were bad she could still see something good in them. Maybe that’s what artists see that others don’t really. Seeing normal things in a beautiful way and seeing bad things in a brighter light. I don’t know. She was different... in a good way.
I remember her eyes. They reminded me of blue diamonds and they were all sparkly and full of curiosity. I envied them. Even though she wore glasses I sill admired them. The way she looked at you and the way she viewed the world around... there is something very unique about that.
I didn’t really see that though when I first met her. I thought she was an idiot when I spied her out taking pictures hiding in the bushes almost out of sight. I bet she even took a few pictures of me! All covered in smoke and in my PJs still. My cheeks all covered in tears from the crying and the smoke and my hair a complete mess. I bet she’d do that... though I never really knew since she would never show pretty much anyone her camera’s ‘picture diary’.
That’s what she called it. I thought it was really silly at the time but she always disagreed and never showed anyone what she took. It was her private collection. Her private memories. Her private world. Her –only- world. I never really saw her without her camera and she usually had one eye in the view finder most of the time, ready to take a picture at a moment’s notice. I used to giggle at her saying she looked silly... but she just ignored me and then snapped some pictures of me laughing. I wanted to see them but she wouldn’t let me. Never once did she let me.
On that day we met for the first time. I could tell she was staring at the blood on me as well as the darkened clothes I had from the smoke and my hair all crazy-looking and tangled... I could have looked like a freak to her.... or not. She didn’t say a word for some time though as we stared at each other. She might have noticed my dried tears as well because as we heard the sirens getting nearer she took my hand and both of us ran into the near forest that was behind her. It was odd as we did that, looking back at it, but at the same time if the firemen and police would have seen me the way I was then bad things might have happened. Who knows... they could have accused me of doing the whole thing! Or maybe they would have dragged me into some random orphan home... or worse!
I didn’t know really where she was talking me as we ran through the forest. I at the time didn’t care. I just wanted to run away and she was helping me in that. The forest was nice and quiet though... peaceful and the air smelt fresh. A small break from the chaos that we had escaped. I didn’t know though her house was on the other side of that forest and when she led me there....
[There is a long drag of ink as if a long pause.]
She gave me cloths. Her cloths. To share. I really couldn’t believe her myself when she did that to be honest. She even told her mom just enough for me to be able to live with her family. To this day I don’t know why she did it... why would she be so nice to me? We barely knew each other. We weren’t really friends and yet she was so kind.
She was an only child... just like me... just her and her mom actually. She said something that her dad had gone a year ago and never came back... I still don’t know if that meant he left... or if he actually died. You could tell though she missed him a lot.... as if a part of her had been taken away. It seemed before she was more talkative. Her mother sometimes tried to strike up a conversation with her but she would often say short replies in mumbles. One of the rare times I heard her actually talk was when she persuaded her mom to bring me in. Maybe that is partially why also her mother let her... so that she would have company... so that she would have maybe a friend to talk to. She knew from the rare moment that this was a big deal to her daughter. She must have loved her a lot to let her have me with her.
Perhaps that was why Lisa was so quick to help me. Maybe she saw or noticed what situation I was in... Maybe she knew some things about me from before or realized what had happened to me. She would have known, I think. She would have pieced it together of what had happened in that fire. At least for the most part. Looking back I would say we both had a lot in common... so maybe she thought she could finally connect with someone that understood her.
It could also explain why she was so quiet all the time. I know me and my dad were close. Very... close... and I knew how she would have felt when she lost her dad. She didn’t have any outside help I guess... so she turned to her camera. I think I remember her saying one time when I tried to take a sneak peak at it that it was hers and her daddy’s. That only he could see it. But since he was not around... that meant she could only see it.
Quiet and alone in her world she used her camera to connect with the memories of her father that was not there. Her imagination in her own world. The camera took snapshots of what she saw that was interesting to her and what was real in her own world. It took snapshots of these things as a message in a way back to her father, to somehow say, ‘Hi daddy! Guess what I saw today! Guess what I saw!’ She must have ... well what I think.... talked a lot to her father. When that connection broke... I guess she wanted to somehow continue what she used to do... and started in a different way to ‘show her dad’ what she did and saw.
I got really curious one time about what she was taking pictures of in that camera. We got into a fight one time and I took it from her. I didn’t really care she was crying out to give it back but when she got really loud and started crying... I don’t know... I just ran. I just ran away from her and from them. I was too scared to come back. I later found an ad in some newspaper on the road that was thrown away that there was someone looking for a camera and willing to pay a good price for one. I needed the money too so..... I sold it. I sold it and got a good amount of money for it too. It was enough to keep me going and survive and have something to eat and wear the next day.
I took out the memory card though before I sold it and saw the pictures she took as well. I saw into her private world where she had been and what she saw. I saw me too and I looked pretty in a lot of them. I don’t know how she did it. I still that that memory card ... those pictures are beautiful. I bet I could have made some money off of those too if I knew how.
I lost both my homes though... for that time anyway. I didn’t wanna go back. They wouldn’t want me back anyway.
I saw once another headline in a newspaper that said something about a widow committing suicide after her daughter had died from lack of eating and depression. I wonder where Lisa is now...
XOXO, Katie Woods
P.S. So many cute boys are around... and they all chase me! But not like they like me... they were shooting at me! I don’t know what their deal is.
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