Welcome to my feedback thread! We're all here to improve, so if you've got any comments; good, bad, or ugly from your interactions with my characters or suggestions on any on the role-play on the forums, please let me know! I'm largely just ducking in and out for cameos now, but I'm happy to take any feedback you'll offer. Alternately, click on any of the character portraits for more information.
Commanding Officer of the Liberty Navy's 10th Fleet during the Leeds incursion, Jane Hartman's military career has not turned out as she'd hoped. Originally a rifleman in the Marines, Hartman's unflinching commitment to the Liberty Navy saw her rise to senior officer rank, much to her chagrin. More at home on a battlefield then the bridge of a transport, Hartman resents her posting to a combat support unit and the contempt it brings from 'real' soldiers, a frustration that often trickles down to her subordinates.
A mechanical prodigy, Sparks has turned life in to a largely successful attempt to flee from responsibility. Happy as long as there’s some problem that needs fixing, she nonetheless indulges a slightly unhealthy paranoid streak. Flighty and impulsive, she simultaneously counts herself as a Rogue, Zoner, Freelancer, and Revolutionary, and maintains contacts among all four. Born Sarah McFarlen and originally a Manhattan runaway she left behind a wealthy family in favour of a life among the stars. She still carries guilt over the grief she has caused; both during her escape and in her time among Liberty’s pirates.
Evasive, snide, and utterly loyal to the Gallic Crown, Camille serves as an Officer in the Foreign Legion of the King's Navy in name only. In reality, the nature of her service is as flexible as the morality of some of her superiors, and she frequently serves in a special operations capacity. Constant postings beyond Gallia have left her with a faint disconnection from the house of her birth. Despite the tangled nature of her job, she adheres to a strict moral code, longing to return to Lyons a hero and a noble.
Once a test pilot with the Liberty Air Force’s doomed forays into space, Melanie resigned her commission in disgust over the Navy’s handling of the Normandie affair. Despite the inglorious nature of her exit from the armed forces, Melanie maintains close ties with the Bretonians she fought alongside in Leeds and, despite directions from her new bosses on Spa and Cruise’s Board of Directors, she struggles to bring herself to see the Gallics as anything more than a nation of conquerors bent on subjugating her home.
Just started reading Jane's bio. From the end though, but I must admit that this caught me. So far I've read "Visiting Hours" and "Requiem", so everything else would feel rather like a flashback into the past, but this is even for the best as it would give an extra feelings to me as reader.
First of all I am impressed with the language and style. For me, a non-native English speaker with rather poor skill in literature your stories look professional and I am out of critique here. The story itself looks well-detailed, even from the first glance as I have just started reading you. Your words are strong and evoke the feeling in me which correspond to the situation your character is in.
So thank you, please keep it up, I will be writing more as my reading progress goes on.
Thank you for the feedback! I'm just really glad that someone beside me's reading the things, and I appreciate you taking the time to drop a note here. Both Requiem and Visiting Hours have new posts now, and I'm hoping to keep the former moving reasonably steadily.
I've been keeping an eye on Liliana's biography as well. The art you've got in there is brilliant - particularly How to maintain your Decurion. Just a suggestion as far as the writing goes, but you might want to do away with the * asterisks to show Liliana's actions. It's a handy convention in-game, but on the forums it's not really required, and tends to break up the flow of the post. Similarly, I've noticed tenses can jump around a bit, which can also disrupt the flow (for example, Liliana squints her eyes and tries to block bright sunlight with her hand. As her eyes are getting used to the light after being in dark room, she finally could look around. should probably be Liliana squinted her eyes and tried to block the bright sunlight with her hand. As her eyes are adjusted to the light, she could finally look around. (if you're going for past-tense). Either way, thank you. It's great to see the effort you're putting into your characters.
I don't really have much to say, however I've always loved reading everything you write. You're pretty good at it! Do you have a job in writing or something?
Thank you for the feedback! I'm just really glad that someone beside me's reading the things, and I appreciate you taking the time to drop a note here. Both Requiem and Visiting Hours have new posts now, and I'm hoping to keep the former moving reasonably steadily.
I've been keeping an eye on Liliana's biography as well. The art you've got in there is brilliant - particularly How to maintain your Decurion. Just a suggestion as far as the writing goes, but you might want to do away with the * asterisks to show Liliana's actions. It's a handy convention in-game, but on the forums it's not really required, and tends to break up the flow of the post. Similarly, I've noticed tenses can jump around a bit, which can also disrupt the flow (for example, Liliana squints her eyes and tries to block bright sunlight with her hand. As her eyes are getting used to the light after being in dark room, she finally could look around. should probably be Liliana squinted her eyes and tried to block the bright sunlight with her hand. As her eyes are adjusted to the light, she could finally look around. (if you're going for past-tense). Either way, thank you. It's great to see the effort you're putting into your characters.
Thank you! So much! I will for sure try to make proper formatting and attempt to correct style as much as I can. And I am very thankful for your notices regarding my writing, I will consider it to improve my story.
The lack of feedback in this thread over the years is a damn travesty.
What can I say? I am a big fan, of course. I wish I could take out your writing brain and use it for my own purposes, but I'm pretty sure that'd be illegal. Your approach is clearly quality over quantity, with a very low amount of primary characters but the details, mannerisms and motivations attributed to each are sketched in painstaking detail. I enjoy the detail, I enjoy seeing where they will end up. That attention to detail probably ranks you as the best technical writer that disco's ever had, so that's a positive.
About the only gripe I have from you as a writer is your tendency to get lost in your own prose, to the detriment of plot movement and dialogue. That might just be my personal preference, but after a certain level of detail I just want characters to get on with it, and things to happen. Although you've been working past that certainly in recent posts (with some outside assistance) so if you tackle that barrier down, you'll be ready to write an original novel and I'll read the hell out of it.
What's not to love? Whether it's very arguably the hands down best roleplay written on the forums, or his innate ability to format said roleplay, Commissar's posts are always a delight to read.
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