At home I looked at my hands and pictured how Aya's blood ran between my fingers. I kinda felt indifferent about it all. I also wondered why that was. I felt like the incident with Shin changed me somehow.
I stood infront of the mirror and looked at the long scar running across my belly. It healed a long time ago, but it was still very visible, like a white river running across my skin. I sat down and stared at myself in the mirror. What if I never really survived that event at all?
Did I die? Is that is why people ignore me so much? But no... I am very much alive.
I tried hard to remember what happened that day, but only flashes came back. The pain, Shin's head, the voice...
The voice.
It was a lady who started whispering to me. She was trying to comfort me.
Was she a goddess? Did she save me?
No.. she did not save me. I could not be saved. I was not worth saving.
I was just a pitiful girl that not even father cared about. And yet... she did.
No. She remade me, improved me. That is why I am different now.
I smiled. She cared about me. She must have remade me, because she cared.
In the mirror I could see a tear running across my cheek.
The days that followed I went to the library again. I had to know if there were any writings about this entity. She had started to show up in my dreams. A dark silhouet of woman. She was like the absense of everything. Like a hole in the very fabric of existence. Light did not reveil her, but she was not dark either. She just existed and did not exist.
I read dozens of books, but did not find anything about her. It frustrated me.
I started refering to her as the eternal lady, for I did understand what she represented.
And if I was her child, I would have to rise above my mortal self.
In my search for her, I did come across the book I read as a child. The book about ancient religions of Sol.
There it spoke of the Erinyes, also known as the Furies, The goddesses of vengeance that punished those who commited crimes against nature and the gods
I never saw Daisuke again.
I do not know why. Perhaps my love was not enough and he was as flawed as my sister was.
The fact that he suddenly disappeared from my presence, only proves that he is not worthy to be in it.
Now that I had even less distraction from Aya while studying, I spent even more time in the library.
I went on to read father's more complex books. If I was to improve myself beyond my mortal self, I should have the knowledge to match it.
Father, being a Samura executive, had alot of books on engineering, physics and chemistry. Knowledge that could prove beneficial in the future.
While I was trying to improve myself, father desperately tried to find a suitable husband for me.
I did not need that. I was meant for something more. Father should have realised that I died with Shin.
Even fate struggled against him.
I decided to pick up my sword training again. After the rebirth, I spent only little time practising. It had drained my strenght and stamina and I needed to regain it. The injuries no longer bothered me and I was determined to become faster and stronger than I ever was. It was surprising how much I still remembered after being idle for a few years.
Father spent less time practising his sword skill himself, after Shin's death. The impact of losing his son made him lethargic. He was still a fit man, but he seemed older somehow. Shin's room was turned into a shrine with his sword on display. No one was allowed the enter, but I did not care. I needed a real weapon to practise with this time. A stick was no longer sufficient. Also, father never made a shrine for Aya, which I found oddly satisfying.
The sword felt strange in my hands, very different than a stick. It somehow made me feel stronger just by holding it. I made a few swings and already lost my balance. I needed to catch my breath and my side started hurting. I ignored it and swung it again and again. I suddenly started seeing the blood covering the wall and Aya dead on the floor in front of me. I blinked and the image was gone.
I was staring at my mirror again. A young woman looked back at me. Someone who I knew, was myself, but I could barely recognise her anymore. I decided to talk to her.
"What is the meaning of your existence, when you do not know what you are?
As I should not exist, but exists. One who is erased, but remade.
I try to give my life meaning, but what if I died and my life is just a fading dream of death?
I feel so little...
Events that should leave a human soul scarred, barely affect me. If it affects me at all.
I keep seeing the deaths that I caused... Aya and Shin. All because of me.
Am I becoming monster...?
No I already am. The goddess that remade me turned me into a monster."
I placed my hand on the mirror. She did the same
"Or... no. Monsters are a human term. That no longer applies to me.
Whatever I am. I am not human. A human would not be like I am now...
I want to know what happened to me. Answer me!"
I punched the mirror and looked at my bleeding hand and started laughing
"My blood is still red... I almost expected it to have a diffrend color.
Do monsters have red blood? Maybe they do."
I looked up at the shattered mirror. A fractured face stared back at me.
I somehow found it more more fitting like that. Especially with the red streak on it.
Three days later I started regretting my actions. I guess I only destroyed the mirror in a fit of anger, so I decided to try and fix it.
I picked up the shards and glued them back onto the frame. When I was done I looked at the mirror. The fracture lines still ran over my face. I looked down and traced my finger along the scar on my belly.
How hard you try, you can never fix something to the way it was. You can make it better or worse, but it can never be the same.
Monster... it is just a human term. humans call things monsters. Usually they are things they do not understand.
Why do I view myself as a monster? Because I am no longer human? What does it mean to be human?
I laid awake at night, contemplating my own existence, and during the day I was reading history books, to better understand humanity. The more I read, the more I realised how flawed humans were and the less I understood them.
Throughout human history, there has been war and suffering. All caused by the one thing all humans have in common: Greed.
Their entire history is basicly the same thing over and over again, without any improvement.
Them viewing something other than themselves as a monster is pure hypocrisy...
One day mother requested my presence.
She was worried about me, worried about us. Seeing that Shin's and Aya's death was tearing her family apart.
So I sat with her in the garden. There was a warm early autumn wind and there was worry on her face.
She asked me how I was holding up following their deaths. I looked at the ground, trying to drown out the memories.
I told her that I was doing better, that their deaths left their scars on me, but I would survive.
Subconsciously I touched the scars on my own body. I withdrew my hand when I caught myself doing that.
Mother took me into her embrace and in my minds eye, I could see Aya stand behind us, seething in anger.
Murderer... Sororicide... Fratricide... Monster...
Her image faded as quickly as it came and my mother released me from her embrace. The words remained in my mind.
I smiled at her, telling her I will be alright. I just need some time to adjust. I saw my mother's eyes were wet as she looked at me.
A tear ran over her cheek and I wiped it away for her. Monster... No. I am not.
I sat next to my mother and laid my head against her shoulder, while looking at the sky.
"I am no monster..." Before I realised I spoke out those words audibly, mother looked at me.
Her face looked confused and questioning.
"I am no monster." I repeated myself, this time louder. "I really am not..."
She asked where I got that idea from, looking worried now.
"Aya told me.."
With these words I stood up and walked off, leaving mother in a state of bewilderment.
