Feedback Needed-Lifespan Deathwatch

[Damien McEwan]

Dino asked me the same thing when I said Hi about a week ago...

btw, my bad...HI!! DuranD :)

Anyway, nope. I'm still on the fence about discord...odds are though, I'll eventually relent, as I've dumped skype and will never, ever reinstall it ('cause I'm stubborn like that) but as I told him, right now I'm in the process of rebuilding & it takes a while since I refuse to take vet aid out of general principal.

But still... HI DUDE!!! :)

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[Mr.Fabulous]

First impressions:

• I really appreciate the bite-sized paragraphs. 'Tis a breath of fresh-air to the numerous wall-of-text RP's that most people are fond of (including I, I try to dial it down, but sometimes I can't help myself)
  
• Related to the shorter paragraphs, the pacing is much better here, the strategic separation of certain sentences where lazier writers would've just included them into the preceding paragraph gives the emphasizing sentences that much more oomph to them.
  
• I like how th'art putting in a more showy than telling narrative, it makes the reader engage with the world more, to put himself into the scene faster, and with the point about shorter paragraphs it makes the transition even faster.
  
• In irony of the first and second points, some paragraphs are too short. For example:
  

  A vague thoughtform popped into Jaina's mind, and for the briefest of moments. She imagined herself possibly moving to Cambridge and starting a family of her own someday.

  It would've helped if after the second sentence, th'would've given a brief sentence on how that made the deary feel, because without the support of what the character felt about it, 'twould make the reader quickly dismiss it as a filler-sentence.
  

  A vague thoughtform popped into Jaina's mind, and for the briefest of moments. She imagined herself possibly moving to Cambridge and starting a family of her own someday.
  
  ... Eh. Probably not, too much responsibility.

  
  
• A few hooks were a bit drab, for example:
  

  Jaina woke up in the middle of the night, crying.

  'Tis in this case where a little flair would make the hook have more power:
  

  Sobbing sounds filled the night as Jaina suddenly woke up in tears.

  
  

Overall, an interesting read, might read more of it later.

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[Damien McEwan]

Thanks Mr. F...This is the kind of thing I need

[*]A few hooks were a bit drab, for example:

Jaina woke up in the middle of the night, crying.

'Tis in this case where a little flair would make the hook have more power:

Sobbing sounds filled the night as Jaina suddenly woke up in tears.

In regards to the drab lines peppered around. I agree, & I do tend to fix a things like that after re-reads when I catch them.

(I do alot of post-editing. Not just for grammatical mistakes, but I'll delete, add or do minor restructures in the spirit of improving the tempo & cadence of the posts.)

[*]In irony of the first and second points, some paragraphs are too short. For example:

A vague thoughtform popped into Jaina's mind, and for the briefest of moments. She imagined herself possibly moving to Cambridge and starting a family of her own someday.

It would've helped if after the second sentence, th'would've given a brief sentence on how that made the deary feel, because without the support of what the character felt about it, 'twould make the reader quickly dismiss it as a filler-sentence.

A vague thoughtform popped into Jaina's mind, and for the briefest of moments. She imagined herself possibly moving to Cambridge and starting a family of her own someday.

... Eh. Probably not, too much responsibility.

This is a big catch & I offer uber thank yous for pointing it out.

That mention was meant to be subtle, as it's related to something in the previous post & was intended as, not so much literal foreshadowing, but as something relevant I have in mind to expand on later...if it comes off as a filler, then I definitely need to figure out a fix.

I really appreciate the heads-up



* ::update - I took the time to snorfel over everything, and fixed some issues I overlooked...specifically the issue of the filler you pointed out to me and I added some context and detail...at the very least, what's in the posts now, better reflects the story in my head...thanks again!::

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[Damien McEwan]

I'ma do a bump nau.

Without feedback, one, (such as myself) may possibly begin to believe that what they're writing is some astoundingly epic, muthaheffin' literature.

If left unchecked, one's ego (such as mine) may overbloat like Tetsuo from Akira.

I ask you to please help us all avoid such a tragic tragedy, and take the initiative to save yourselves from...uh...myself.

This isn't about me though.

It's not about the community.

This is really about your personal sense of self-preservation.



I truly think it's ok for you to be selfish in this case.

Help me help you to save yourself before it's too late.



...Please offer feedback while there's still time :-/

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