The Chronicles of a runner

[King Owl]

So i have decied to open a thread for feedback, i can be bad it can be good, everything will help me improve

So the link to the story is here
The story

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[Singularity]

You got to check stats in your story. Lot of them are contradicting.

Plus lot of spelling mistakes which you need to rectify.

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||| Ollie's way ||| Ship Dealer ||| Code & Equipment shop |||

Low: ||| IMG ||| GMG ||| Platinum ||| Punisher ||| Kruger ||| ALG ||| RS ||| Phoenix ||| 101st ||| BD ||| ODF ||| RHA ||| _Decent: ||| Ronin ||| DHC ||| NET ||| BAF|A |||

[Singularity]

You should actually look at "the data" you have provided ... .. Its too fictitious !!!

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||| Ollie's way ||| Ship Dealer ||| Code & Equipment shop |||

Low: ||| IMG ||| GMG ||| Platinum ||| Punisher ||| Kruger ||| ALG ||| RS ||| Phoenix ||| 101st ||| BD ||| ODF ||| RHA ||| _Decent: ||| Ronin ||| DHC ||| NET ||| BAF|A |||

[Singularity]

After she opend the pod, there was an uncouncious man in his late 40

So, I guess your Rogue character is 40+, probably 45+ as he is in late forties....

Name:Monica Drews,mother
Age:38
Known As:Lyra

Nameuncan Drews, Dad
Age:51
Known As:Serpent

Basically, you are saying the Rogue's mother is aged 38 and father is aged 51.

So the father had a son with a stillborn mother when he was in his 7's or 8's !! ( // formulated by moriarty )
Don't you think thats too overrated !! ...

and if you were thinking to make the rogue character as an adopted son, then why in the actual world would people adopt a guy as their SON who is elder than his mother, and near to his fathers age.

I think the family has got some serious issues !!!
So to sum it up, we have a very unpleasant family here

Father-51, Mother-38, Son-46/49, Sister-19 and widow , Lover of Son-23 .. ( // again its moriarty here *devil he is* )
Weird !!!

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||| Ollie's way ||| Ship Dealer ||| Code & Equipment shop |||

Low: ||| IMG ||| GMG ||| Platinum ||| Punisher ||| Kruger ||| ALG ||| RS ||| Phoenix ||| 101st ||| BD ||| ODF ||| RHA ||| _Decent: ||| Ronin ||| DHC ||| NET ||| BAF|A |||

[King Owl]

So let me make this clear.. The son is a dopted , is kind wierd, but theyr are not his actual parrents. Tho thanks for puting that here on the page

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[Singularity]

So let me make this clear.. The son is a dopted , is kind wierd, but theyr are not his actual parrents. Tho thanks for puting that here on the page

Probably you don't get what I am saying to you...

and if you were thinking to make the rogue character as an adopted son, then why in the actual world would people adopt a guy as their SON who is elder than his mother, and near to his fathers age.

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||| Ollie's way ||| Ship Dealer ||| Code & Equipment shop |||

Low: ||| IMG ||| GMG ||| Platinum ||| Punisher ||| Kruger ||| ALG ||| RS ||| Phoenix ||| 101st ||| BD ||| ODF ||| RHA ||| _Decent: ||| Ronin ||| DHC ||| NET ||| BAF|A |||

[King Owl]

Ok this was never ment to be in the story yet, but i will have to spoil it out...

The father of Kalel was a rougue it'self and this is why all the love for rugues commed

Now about the familly....

Jackals dad died when he was 30 and something years old and asked Duncan to have to take care of him, later becoming their leitimate son. Now about ther mother, Jackal has nothign with her , did not come from her and Serpent did marry her when she was 19 and then aswell had Widow..Now i hope this clears all you have as understandings...


And about my misspellings ,, i will ask ou to forgive me that i learn english myslef and not had a teacher when i needed

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[Singularity]

Jackals dad died when he was 30 and something years old and asked Duncan to have to take care of him, later becoming their leitimate son. Now about ther mother, Jackal has nothign with her , did not come from her and Serpent did marry her when she was 19 and then aswell had Widow..Now i hope this clears all you have as understandings...

Now, I do not dictate your's story so, I won't be pointing it, but will be advising...
If Duncan (51) had to take care of Jackal (45+) .... do you think father-son relation was the best to enact here ?? instead of brother-brother relation, in that case, the mother(38) becomes her sister and the daughter (19) would have been like her daughter...

Anyways, your choice, your story.. I felt it weird.. even have pointed out a suggestion.. Its upto u whether you find it correct or not

And about my misspellings ,, i will ask ou to forgive me that i learn english myslef and not had a teacher when i needed [/color]

Spellings are not that problematic, So, its okay if there are few .. No worries in that, I just had pointed it out to let you know.

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||| Ollie's way ||| Ship Dealer ||| Code & Equipment shop |||

Low: ||| IMG ||| GMG ||| Platinum ||| Punisher ||| Kruger ||| ALG ||| RS ||| Phoenix ||| 101st ||| BD ||| ODF ||| RHA ||| _Decent: ||| Ronin ||| DHC ||| NET ||| BAF|A |||

[Sath]

Oyi Singularity, I need patent and recognition for that "family issue" *angry face*

Also,

Is there any background as to why a navy girl would fall in love with a rogue, who is more than twice her age, and why would the rogue actually love her back? Since its not on a daily basis I see a Hyena and Liberator making love behind Rochester, as Rogues are well pissed off at the Navy and are their first and foremost domestic enemies. A love affair suddenly out of nowhere needs some explanation though.

[King Owl]

Well her dad was a rogue and more will make sense in a two or three days when i will have more things to explain all their love...

Tho remeber they staied together for 3 months before falling in love

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