Incoming Transmission
Sender Location: Planet New London, Docking Zone
Sender ID: 170582652
Sender Name: Arthur Thatcher
Eugh.
Allright, allright. I give up. I admit, I did run away. But only after being brutally attacked in my home!
That little detail aside... What was it I wanted to say? Hang on... Thatcher looks thoughtful, then, after a few seconds, he seems to give up, and he has a long drink from the bottle in his gun holster. (Probably containing alcohol, but definitely not a potent weapon against anyone but himself.)
...
(A bit later)
...
Huh what. This is still on? Oh yeah. I want a bladdy transfer. After being stabbed and stuff, I realized I have a lot to live for. All those types of alcohol I may never taste... So yeah, gimme a transfer to a less dangerous department.
Priority: Low
To: The Person Who Claims to be Called Thatcher, Arthur
From: Admiral George Richard Hall
Location: Planet Cambridge, Cambridge System
Subject: Reply
"Salutations. I am Admiral George Richard Hall of the Bretonian Armed Forces.
We have concluded that it is very likely that you are former Lieutenant... No... Wait a moment please..."
Incoming Transmission
Sender Location: Planet New London, Docking Zone
Sender ID: 170582652
Sender Name: Arthur Thatcher
The commander looks a bit annoyed. It seems to you as if he has been sat there for the whole two days he has been waiting for a reply, judging by the state of his umbrella, which can no longer perform is duties, due to the ever-falling acid rain. He also seems to have run out of alcohol.
...
G'day mr admiral bloke.
...
Aye yes, yer database is correct, commander Arthur Thatcher at your service. Yet again.
... (By now you are wondering if this is a hangover Mr Thatcher is having, or wether the acid rain has got to his brain. Either way, the emptiness of his alcohol supply suggests he probably ran out of that two days ago (the same day he sent the original transmission), at his estimated rate of drinking)
...
Anyway, where was I? He attempts to stand up, but slips in the puddle of acid rain.
(The next 30 minutes are of Thatcher grovelling in a puddle while the acid rain causes minor burns.)
...
Thatcher finally finds his way out of the puddle
...
He wipes his face with his sleeve then continues talking
Anyway, I can confirm that I am indeed the Arthur Thatcher that I was when I was in the BAF before all that stuff happened. He looks annoyed with himself for botching the sentence, but carries on regardless
...err yeah.
That's those questions answered. I think. He reaches for the camera, to switch it off, but manages to slip in the puddle again. (You decide to terminate the transmission for now, while you think up a reply.)
Priority: Low
To: The Person Who Claims to be Called Thatcher, Arthur
From: Admiral George Richard Hall
Location: Planet Cambridge, Cambridge System
Subject: Reply
"Then I am sorry to inform you that you are probably dead.
Except if you can prove one or more of the following:
1) You were banished off the face of the Earth by a God of some kind
2) You do not exist;
3) Herbert;
4) You have run or wobbled away;
5) You were banished of the Earth by the God of Gods;
6) A giant yoghurt has eaten you, not causing fatal consiquences;
7) Some new Admiral made you disappear;
8) Badgers;
9) Mongolians of old Earth came here to destroy the great wall of China -- what we speculate because of the stacks of China plates worth a fortune that mysteriously disappeared during the investigation.
Or perhaps you have your own reasons, not mentioned here?
By the way, get yourself an umbrella if you are not dead."
Incoming Transmission
Sender Location: Planet New London, Docking Zone
Sender ID: 170582652
Sender Name: Arthur Thatcher
Hold it guv. You sayin' I'm dead?!?! He slaps himself, then winces.
No, I'm pretty sure I'm alive. Unless ghosts can feel pain. Nevertheless, I'll go through your list thingy and prove them to the best of my ability.
1) Probably. I blame Avo.
2) Hmm. I'm pretty sure I do... unless this is an illusion and we're all slaves to a super-race of armadillos, but we've brainwashed to think we're dominant...
3) Nope, I'm Arthur. Are you Herbert?
4) Oh yes. That's what happened. Can't remember who my witnesses were though... that bloke aboard that city thing. The city that flies? Dunno.
5) Yeah. Or else that was a vision provided by the slightly out-of-date wine I was enjoying the other day.
6) He looks shocked by this one I was eaten by a yoghurt? This is new news for me...
7) I knew it! You admit it! I'll just have to find out which one of you it was now...
8) Argh! Where?
...
Oh. Nevermind. (He continues, but you you see a black and white furry thing behind him...)
9) Oh. They stole YOUR china too? Did they take your money aswell? I have an angry captain after me who I owe a bit of dosh to, but me cash has gone...
My own reasons? ... Nope. These ones are close enough I guess. As he reads the next line, he seems slightly annoyed
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH MY BLADDY UMBRELLA! IT'S JUST HAVING A BAD BLOOMIN' DAY IS ALL!
Jeez, why does everyone keep telling me that... (You're still not convinced, as the umbrella promptly disintegrates into dust particles...)
...
Well, that's those sentences replied to.
Ta guv.
Priority: Low
To: The Person Who Claims to be Called Thatcher, Arthur
From: Admiral George Richard Hall
Location: Planet Cambridge, Cambridge System
Subject: Reply
"Since you are not dead, please get back to work."
Priority: Low
To: The Person Who Claims to be Called Thatcher, Arthur
From: Admiral George Richard Hall
Location: Southampton Shipyard, New London System
Subject: Reply
"If you asked us before desertion, we could have transferred you to Poole or Salisbury, but now it would be an inappropriate example. However, there are always free places to fit into within our ranks. They are the following:
- Toilet cleaning;
- Floor cleaning;
- Repairs and maintenance staff;
- All related to acquisition, making and delivery of tea;
- And pottery (due to the sudden mass disappearance of China plates).
I hope that some of these can satisfy you, otherwise you will have to return to your previous position."